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SHALL WE RISE?

act three.

(chapter fifty-two, they both fell down into the darkness)

training centre / victor's village, 2313.

(tw: mentions of suicide)

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THE SCREAMS HAD STOPPED. The screams stopped the moment Valencia crawled onto the bare mattress. It was either because she realised no-one was going to give her the sweet feeling of death anymore or because her voice was so worn out that she physically couldn't scream. 

When she realised no-one was coming and she was to stay in the room, Valencia started to wonder why they put her in the Training Centre in the first place. Surely they didn't think she was in on the plot to kill Coin. Maybe they did because of the votes, or because of the nod, or because of her loony behaviour. And then she realised the band labelled 'mentally disoriented' hung around her wrist and she knew why. With her screams, her suicidal wails, and her rash behaviour, Valencia was seen as mentally disoriented, traumatised, and beyond repair. The thing was, they weren't wrong. 

By evening when tears had completely stained her face, Valencia pulled herself up from the mattress. Her body was stiff and shaky as she slowly placed her feet on the carpet ground. She was alive and she didn't want to be. 

With this in mind, Valencia slowly made her way to the shower and pressed the most gentlest program for the water that didn't have any soaps or products. Laying on the shower floor with water spraying onto her back, Valencia felt hot tears roll down her cheeks. She could drown herself. No, that wouldn't work, not in a shower. 

Valencia didn't spend long in the water, slowly standing up as she stepped out onto the mat, the hot air making her raw skin go dry. The clothes she had torn off had disappeared and was instead replaced with a paper robe, a meal with medicine laying next to it. Shivering, Valencia slipped the robe on and began to eat her simple meal and swallowed the pills down with her water, which soothed her throat. 

With a groan and a wince, Valencia laid back down onto her mattress, the paper robe rustling. It wasn't the most comforting piece of clothing, but Valencia supposed that was the price of being insane. And then as she looked down to the empty tray, it dawned upon her that she was a stubborn person. If she did not eat, she would die. If she did not take her medicine and morphling, she would die. She would rot to death on the mattress. 

And that was what Valencia did. She laid on the bed for days without eating. And as she did, her body became thinner and thinner until Valencia could see the very outline of her ribs. The hunger was sending sharp rounds of pain in her stomach that it had her curled up and wincing. But what was worse was not taking the medicine. 

Back in Nine before the Quell, Valencia was a morphling addict, yes. But then she got clean because Nova forced her to be. Then she got stabbed in the abdomen by Enobaria (Her head went toppling off as her cannon echoed around the arena). The doctors gave her small amounts of morphling in Thirteen. But here in the Capitol, they must have given her a large dose of the drug since Valencia could feel herself go through the effects of withdrawal. Tremors, shooting pains, and a shivering cold hit Valencia when she laid on the bed. It was so bad that she flung herself onto the floor and crawled to the morphling tablets, swallowing them all in one go. No morphling was out of the question and so no food was the only reasonable solution to death. It wasn't like she could jump out of the window or tie a noose. 

There was no point to life, she thought. There wasn't. Surely those watching her could see that. Everyone that Valencia loved was either dead or hated her. Antares was dead. Nova was nowhere to be seen. Her mother and father were dead. Commie was still above and beyond angry at her. Finnick had to have been hurt by her voting yes for another Games and for her actions at the execution. But surely he had to see reason in it. Finnick was always reasonable. He was not stupid. 

Her Finnick. Oh, how she loved him. But now, he hated her. They had such a good thing going, Valencia convincing herself that they were going to be all right, that her heart would not be broken in the process. But it was. Her heart was broken beyond words. She was right on that rooftop, the rooftop that was only four floors above her. Her heart would not allow her to love. Valencia should have never allowed her heart to love. But she did and look where it got her. 

Days later, Valencia had multiple food trays built up on each other, the mashed potatoes spilling onto the carpet. She had no interest in eating them or drinking the water that was in the cup. She would normally take the morphling, but her body was in so much pain, her body was so weak that she just couldn't. She was on the brink of death. A week or so had to have passed. It took her a week to die. And then the familiar feeling of death began to fill her up again. Her inhumane chuckles filled the room as she felt herself slip away. This was it. A week she had been waiting for death. And now, she had it.

That was until the alarms started going off. The rapid, sharp sounds echoed in her ears, causing Valencia to go hysteric as she heard the door slam open, a crew of doctors rushing in with med kits. How cruel of them. They had let her plan her suicide for days and only did they save her when she was about to die. 

"No!" Valencia screamed as she tried to push away the doctors. "Let me die! I want to die!"

The last thing Valencia saw was the panicked faces of the doctors before a needle jabbed into her and she fell into a dark abyss. She joined Silas only temporarily in those few moments. She felt how he felt when he fell down into the abyss, a freezing sensation that filled her up instead of the feeling of death. Side by side, both Valencia and Silas fell down into the foggy abyss. They both fell down into the darkness.

Valencia did not see light for days. For days, she fell continuously down the abyss with Silas. She watched his death on replay. (The fog was still rising and as Silas pulled himself up, the ice broke and fell into the abyss, taking him with it) She wallowed in her self-pity as she fell. All she did was fall. Fall into the abyss. No voices were heard, not even their screams. Everything was mute. Everything was dark except from the green puffer jacket that Silas wore and the paper robe that hung loosely against her body. Both died in the darkness. One physically, one mentally. 

And then finally, light began to seep through her eyelids as her and Silas did one more dive before she fluttered her eyes opened. The bright white walls were the first thing that she saw, the smell of medicine and disinfectant hitting her nose. A Capitol hospital, the same one she was in prior, she concluded. Tubes and wires were imbedded into her skin where it wasn't raw, a beeping sound echoing around. A man was coughing as he sat in a chair beside the bed. Commie.

"You're lucky, Lennie." He scoffed as he looked at her pain-filled face. "You were on the brink of death when the medics got to you."

"Has it crossed your mind that maybe that was what I was aiming for?" Valencia told him, her throat feeling like it was on fire as Commie moved forward, his eyebrows furrowed as he handed her a cup of water. "How long have I been out?"

"You were in that room for about a week and a bit." Commie sighed. "You've been out for a week in here. The sedative they gave you was strong."

"And what have I missed for the past two weeks?"

And so, hesitantly, Commie began to fill her in. After Katniss shot Coin and the chaos stopped, they found Snow's body still attached to the pole. Some say he died by the crowd, some say it was because he choked to death while laughing. No-one cared and soon, an emergency election was put together and a rebel leader from Eight called Commander Paylor was voted as president. Plutarch was apparently appointed secretary of communications, setting the programming for the airwaves, something Commie scoffed at. Apparently, the first big televised event was Katniss's trial where she was said to be a hopeless, shell-shocked, lunatic by someone called Dr. Aurelius. One condition of her release was that she would be watched under his care and was to be confined to District Twelve until further notice. Commie told Valencia that Katniss left with Haymitch a few days ago. Nova was already back in Nine and had been there for a few days.

"All of the Victors' have been given free therapy," Commie said. "We all need it... they're still all here in the Capitol, in the president mansion. Well, except from Nova, Katniss, and Haymitch."

"Free therapy?"

"Precisely." Commie smiled at her. "You have been assigned that Dr. Aurelius guy. He's also helping Katniss, but we all know she won't answer him and so he's also been assigned to you. To keep him on his toes." Valencia could hear the anger in his tone.

"You're angry," she concluded. "Why? I understand, but why?"

"Maybe because you made me think that you and Nova voted for another Hunger Games when you were actually helping Katniss kill Coin. Don't worry, you weren't put on trail because you're too 'mentally disoriented' and was immediately excused," Commie snapped. "And also, in the span of about a month or so, I have lost Terry, Daniel, and Anita. Nova's left and is back in Nine. And then I hear that you had been wasting away in a room trying to kill yourself? The only family I have left? You know how hard it is to hear that you were trying to kill yourself?"

"I don't want to live anymore, Commie!" Valencia chuckled. "I'm in pain... I don't want to live in this stupid world anymore. There's no point in living. You're mad at me, Finnick is most definitely mad at me. Nova's gone. Everyone else is dead. Nothing matters."

"Lennie, don't you dare do this!"

"Well, I am!" Valencia shouted. "I am giving up! I have lost hope, Commie! I can't live like this, I can't."

"No... no!" Commie snapped. "You won the Hunger Games. You went through nine years of hell. You survived a knife to the abdomen and the Quarter Quell. You survived a rebellion and a war and when everything is over, this is where you end it?"

Valencia looked at him with wide eyes. Give up? Valencia was not giving up. She was in pain, couldn't Commie see that? After everything that had happened in her life, all the trauma and anxiety, Valencia finally had enough. But she wasn't giving up. She wanted to rest. That's what she always wanted, to put her feet up and lay down. But the world did not give her that. That was until she decided it would. If she left the world now, she could get the rest she wanted.

"Lennie, you have people that love you," Commie said more quietly. "Do not think otherwise."

"I loved and trusted people... look at where that got me." Valencia sobbed as tears began to rapidly fall down her cheeks. "I do not want to be alive anymore, Commie... please, understand that."

"And me?" He asked. "You're just going to leave me? After everything we've been through together?... you know, I thought I lost you back when I was in Thirteen and you were in the Capitol, I thought you died in that apartment fire. I've never felt that pain before."

"I'm guessing you've never felt the pain of watching your brother die." Valencia gritted her teeth.  "To have his flesh on your skin."

"I have, actually." Commie snickered. "I've told you Snow killed my family... I've seen the corpse of my brother and sister, the body of my parents. The decaying, rotten remains of the girl I loved... we've all seen stuff, Lennie, and it's not a competition. We all went through different types of pain. But am I giving up? I want to, trust me, but I'm not. I'm not for you. Because you're my daughter, Lennie."

Valencia did not know what to say. In the near ten years that she had known Commie, he had barely spoken about his blood family. Ever. But Valencia could imagine a sixteen-year-old Flint Commie coming home to five dead bodies on his porch. She imagined Flint Commie's reaction to the Capitol declaring all of Star Squad dead. She imagined his reaction when he heard Antares was dead. She imagined how he felt when he saw the burns that blistered all over her body. His reaction to Anita and Daniel dying. And somehow, despite all of that pain, Commie was still standing. But Valencia was not Commie and she shall never be. 

"I'm not you, Comm." Valencia shook her head. "I'm not strong like you... I've lost my anchor."

"I'm still here," Commie told her. "I'm still here, Lennie. Even if I think you've made some rash decisions... I'll always be here for you. That's never going to change."

Valencia spent another week in that hospital as the staff tried to fill her up with food to hide her ribcage. They gave her less morphling and more food and water. No-one visited her except from Commie and the Dr. Aurelius that was supposed to be her head doctor. The two had sessions every day for one hour.

Valencia did not mind the doctor. If she did not speak in a session, he would fall asleep in his chair and catch up on the sleep he lost during the war. When she actually told him something, even if it was small, he would not write it down and would rather nod at her whilst telling her the best advice he could give. And he wasn't like the other therapists who told the other Victors' that they were completely safe and nothing could hurt them anymore. Dr. Aurelius was truthful with his words and his advice. 

"Don't be fixated on the past and future," he had told her one session. "Focus on the present. That is what matters most, Valencia."

One afternoon after Valencia had lunch with Commie, she began to realise why she never got any visitors other than him and Aurelius. Nova was in Nine. Beetee was sent back to Three. Haymitch and Katniss to Twelve. It was only Valencia and Commie, Finnick and Annie, and Johanna and Peeta in the Capitol. They were all confined to different parts of the president mansion, apparently something to do with mental states of each other. Commie had told Valencia that everyone knew of her attempts and said that no-one was surprised. Apparently, Finnick was the first to cry.

"He's not that mad at you," Commie told her. "I mean, he was mad when you voted yes, but I think he's calmed down now. You can ask Aurelius to see him."

"No." Valencia shook her head. "It'll be too different... I wouldn't know what to say."

"If that's what you want."

But it wasn't what Valencia wanted. She wanted to jump into Finnick's arms and live happily ever after. But that was not a luxury she had access to. And that fact was something Valencia could not live with. She still wanted to die, yes, but she stopped trying. She still had thoughts and was desperate for everything to end, but she stayed alive for Commie. That was something that was exceptionally hard for Valencia. 

Another week passed by and Valencia had just finished her breakfast when suddenly, Aurelius, Paylor, and Plutarch came walking into her room. Valencia had never seen Paylor before and she thought that the woman looked remarkably young. Commie, who was beside her, told her she was in her thirties, which made Valencia raise an eyebrow.

"Ah, Miss Barlowe." Plutarch waved as the three walked to the foot of her bed. "How have you been?"

"Been better," Valencia responded as she nodded at Paylor, who gave her a warm smile back. "What's this about?"

"You're being released from the hospital," Dr. Aurelius told her. "And you're going back home to Nine."

Valencia had to blink numerous times as she stared at her doctor before adding, "I thought Nine was still on fire?"

"It was." Paylor nodded. "But with help from the troops, the fires had ceased and now, the people just need to rebuild. The Capitol will be assisting them with the project. But you can go home, Miss Barlowe."

"Though there are some conditions with that." Plutarch winced. "You have to be watched by both Flint and the doctor over here. You can't be left by yourself, not in your case."

"And what is it to you, Plutarch?" Valencia snapped. "You don't care if I die. I am of no importance to you."

"Oh, but you are," Plutarch told her. "You were a massive help with the rebellion and in return, we want to give you a long, happy life, Miss Barlowe."

At this, Valencia scoffed, but Aurelius narrowed his eyes at her and so she coughed into her hand as she said, "Well, thank you, Plutarch. What a lovely offer... when do I leave?"

"Right now."

Valencia did not get a chance to say goodbye to the other Victors', but Plutarch said that he would give them her love the next time he saw any of them. And the moment Valencia was discharged, Aurelius told her that whenever he called, she had to answer so the two of them didn't get in trouble. With a snarky comment that had his eyes rolling, Aurelius set her off into the hovercraft with Commie, who was silent as he sat in the seat. He did, like the good person he was, force her to eat a bundle of sandwiches before pretending to go to sleep. 

The pair of them did not want to go to Nine. Not with the memories. But where else would they go? That was a question left unanswered as the hovercraft landed on the green of Victors' Village, the moon high in the sky as the owls hooted. Only three houses had their lights on. Valencia's, Commie's, and Nova's. They were all that was left for District Nine. Only three out of six survived. That fact that made Valencia walk quicker to her house, leaving Commie behind to limp back to his own house at the end of the Village. 

Someone had lit the fire in her house, the warmth immediately hitting Valencia's muscles and bones. A rich, savoury smell hit her nose that Valencia raised a brow at. She didn't have a knife on her, of course, and so silently, she crept around the corner of the house. When she heard someone singing in the kitchen, she stood frozen in her tracks. A little girl's voice followed, being drastically out of tune. 

"Oh, hello!" Billie Solace exclaimed as she caught sight of Valencia in the doorway. Athena was propped up on the counter, Nova O'Malley beside her with a smirk, a radio beside her as it blared out some tune that Valencia didn't recognise. Something was cooking in the oven. 

"What are you doing in my house?"

"Well, Nova told me about you coming back and so I decided to cook you a roast chicken." Billie smiled, her eyes going sad when she saw the scars on Valencia's face, but she tried to keep up her joyfulness for Athena. "How... how are you?"

Valencia had a snarky comment on the tip of her tongue, but Athena's eyes were looking at her interestingly and so she said, "Could be better... how did you get here from Thirteen?"

"A hovercraft." Billie nodded. "We got here right after the Capitol fell." Billie's eyes went sad again as she walked closer to Valencia. "Lennie... I'm so sorry about Terr—"

"Mummy!" Athena squealed. "The chicken is done!"

"Oh!" Billie snapped right back into mum-mode and rushed to the oven, taking out a golden, roasted chicken that was covered in herbs. Valencia could practically feel herself drooling. "I got the chicken from Jessica. Apparently, she's seeing this farmer and he has good connections with people in Ten."

"She's given up that job, then?"

"Yes." Billie narrowed her eyes at Valencia, nudging her head into the direction of Athena. "She's given that up ages ago."

"What job did Auntie Jess have?" Athena babbled.

"Nothing important, dear." Billie cooed at her as she walked out of the kitchen, the chicken in her hands as she strode into the dining room. "Thena, Aunt Lennie will help you down."

"Aunt Lennie?" Valencia scoffed, but Billie waved her off as she got busy in the dining room. Sitting on the counter, Athena's big eyes scanned over her, Nova furrowing her brows. Valencia was not the type to be intimidated, but as the girl judged her, she cleared her throat awkwardly.

"Why do you have pink swirls on your face?" Athena asked her, pointing at the burns that were on Valencia's cheeks. "Did you paint pink swirls on your face?"

"Yes, I painted pink swirls on my face." Valencia rolled her eyes.

"Well, wipe it off," Athena told her. "You look silly with it."

"Your face looks silly."

Instead of pouting like any regular child would, Athena actually started giggling as she continued to stare at Valencia, muttering a, "I like you."

"Well, I don't like you," Valencia teased, a small smile playing on her lips. "Now, off you trot. Your mum is in the dining room."

"I need help getting off the counter, silly."

"Oh... right."

"Well, now we know that Athena Solace is a judgemental brat," Nova murmured. "Just like her Aunt Lennie."

"I am not a judgemental brat."

"Agree to disagree."

Valencia looked at Nova with sad eyes, Nova's filling up with tears. There was so much to say, but they didn't know how to say it. Valencia had tried to kill herself and if she had succeeded, Nova would be left without her sister. Nova would be left alone with Commie. That fact alone made Valencia want to try.

Valencia had an odd feeling in her chest as Billie forced her to sit down beside Athena for dinner. It was something that she couldn't place. Valencia had just gotten back from the Capitol just after she tried to kill herself and yet Billie was here in her house with Athena and Nova, handing out slices of roast chicken. The Capitol had told Nova and Billie to keep an eye on Valencia, of course. That didn't surprise her. Nothing surprised her anymore. And whilst Valencia was forced to put on a teasing demeanour for Athena and Nova, she was absolutely dying inside. She had fallen down into the darkness again, Silas falling beside her. Together, they both fell down into the darkness. 

⇢ ˗ˏˋ matz 🎧 !

— it's sad bc there's 4 chapters left and i don't want to let lennie go