Joshua O'Brian

September 5th, 2018

These past couple of weeks have been a rollercoaster of emotions. From seeing Danielle for the first time since we broke up to having sex with her the following week, I was sort of at my limit. Not to mention I had an actual girlfriend the entire time named Jessica. I had been avoiding her these past few days. I knew the next time I saw her I was going to have to break up with her. I could've easily done it over text like Danielle wanted me to, but I always dealt with things like this in person. It's a shame because Jessica deserved better than to get dumped by me over my ex-girlfriend. Some part of me wishes if I just avoided her long enough she would just break up with me instead.

I was currently in my living room laying down on the couch, waiting for Alice to show up. With all the stress and anxiety I had been getting from my current situation, I needed someone to talk to about it besides Danielle. Because just bringing up Jessica made her furious and that ruined my mood most of the time. I was looking at my phone going through some of the old photos I had of Danielle. Some of them went back as far as 2014. Danielle and I had always been friends but it wasn't until 2017 that I asked her out. Maybe that's why it was so hard to let her go. My life itself just felt so different without here there. I passed by a photo that I had taken back when we first started dating. I think it was from our third or fourth date but either way that was the date that we shared our first kiss. I almost thought I had deleted it when her and I broke up, I'm glad I didn't.

I got up off my couch and walked over to my fridge in the kitchen. I opened it to find the remnants of what was my dinner last night along with everything else a college boy would have. So I let my hand go right pass the bottled water and grab a refrigerator tempature beer. I normally wouldn't drink during the day but with all that was going on, I needed it. I walked back over to the couch and sat down. As soon as I sat down there was a knock at the door. I groaned and stood back up to open it. As to be expected there was Alice wearing one of her cardigans that she used to rock back in highschool. This one was yellow but I was used to seeing her in all black.

"You look like shit." She said.

I winked at her. "It's nice to see you too."

"You know one of these days you're gonna realize that you can't play with girl's feelings the way you." She said walking past me into my dorm room.

I shut the door and walked back over to the couch. "I'm not playing with anybody's feelings. I just made some mistakes, now I'm paying for them."

"Did you tell Jessica yet?" She asked sitting down on my couch.

"No." I sat down next to her and sunk into the couch. "I haven't found the right time yet."

"There never is a right time to tell your girlfriend that you cheated on her." She said hugging her knees on the couch.

"Can we just....can we not talking about them." I took another sip of my beer. "The reason I invited you over was to just....look I just need a friend."

"I get it Josh." She said kicking her shoes off and laying down her head on my lap. "Not much has changed with you all these years."

I shook my head and took another sip of my beer. "I don't think I've ever had a situation like this before Alice."

"Of course not. But I've been there for you during some rough times." She said smiling up at me.

"You could say that." I looked down at her and smiled. "What are you doing down there?"

"Getting comfortable." She said closing her eyes. "I'm used to your shit by now, might as well relax."

"Do you want a beer?"

"Isn't it a little early to be drinking?" She said opening one eye.

I shrugged. "He it's five o'clock somewhere."

"You have any coffee?" She said sitting up.

I pointed over to the kitchen area. "There's a coffee machine on the counter."

"Still can't believe you have a kitchen." She said walking over to the kitchen.

I followed her with my eyes. "What's so hard to believe?"

"Not all dorm rooms on campus have them." She said messing with the coffee machine.

"Shaun and I are lucky like that."

"Of course you are." She said glancing back at me before filling up a cup of coffee.

I stood up and walked over to her. "Do you want cream and sugar?"

"Things have changed Josh. I prefer my coffee black." She said blowing on her cup.

"Yeah apparently not your men. Isiah? Really?"

"What?' She said shrugging her shoulders. "He's a good guy and he treats me well."

I leaned against the counter and placed my beer on it. "I never took Isiah for a romantic."

"Oh he's such a romantic." She said rolling her eyes back. "I mean he's so sweet, nice and thoughtful. But......."

"But what?"

"I don't know it's silly, forget about it." She said taking a sip of her coffee.

"Alice?"

"Yes?" She said looking at me sideways.

"What's wrong with Isiah?"

"Between us?"

I nodded. "Between us."

"Sometimes I just wish he had a little fire in him. You know? Like he's sweet and I know he's no bitch but....just forget it." She said waving it off. "It's stupid."

"No I get it." I crossed my arms and sighed. "Have you brought this to his attention?"

"Pffttt are you serious?" She said looking at me wide eyed.

"Yeah, I think you should tell him."

"There's no way of framing that question without coming off as a bitch." She said taking a sip of her coffee. "What am I supposed to say? Oh hey Isiah, I know you're a sweet guy and all but do you mind maybe slapping me on the ass every now and then?

I covered my mouth and chuckled into my palm. "I think you're being a little unreasonable. I mean you guys have been together for a few months. Who's to say he's not holding out on you?"

"What does that mean?" She asked.

"It means that when a guy gets with a girl, for the first few months, our brains our telling us 'don't....scare her.' It makes perfect sense why he's being so soft, it's because you react to it."

I sighed and shook my head. "Maybe if you start sending him signals that you're ready to kick things up a notch, he might respond."

"Respond how?" She asked taking another sip of her coffee.

"I don't know, every guy is different. He might come right at you or he might take baby steps. You won't know until you try." I shrugged taking a sip of me beer.

"So what you're saying is we should have sex?" She asked.

I nearly spit out my beer and coughed a few times. "No! I'm saying that you should just talk to him. If you want him to be all over you like some sort of alpha. Then you have to let him know that's what you like."

"So what? I should maybe come on to him harder then?" She asked.

I hit my chest a few times and coughed. "Yes. See how he responds. He might just be holding out on you."

"I'll try that." She said with a smile.

I walked back over to my couch and flopped down on it. "How's your sister?"

"Rose?" She asked leaning over the couch.

I looked up at her. "Yeah."

"She's good, she just came back from England last week." She said.

"Yeah, I heard about her birthday party." I held up my hands. "Where was my invite?"

"Would you have gone?" She asked hopping over the couch and sitting down next to me.

I smiled and shook my head. "No probably not."

I grabbed my tv remote to flip through the channels when another knock came to the door. Shaun said he'd be out all day, my heart starting beating a little faster as I stood up from the couch. I walked over to the door and opened it to see......Adrian. Out of all the people I thought I'd see, she was at the bottom of the list. After our first meeting at Josie's I knew I'd see her again eventually, just not this soon. She had on something different compared to when I met her. Short shorts with a bomber jacket on, definitely not typical in Florida. I mean she was Jessica's sister after all. Then I remembered that Alice was here. Fuck what if Adrian told Jessica about her? What if she Jessica thinks I'm cheating? The sad truth, I was.

"Josh right?" Adrian asked.

I scoffed. "As if we haven't met already."

"I'd like to forget our first meeting if that's ok?" She asked holding her hand out.

I shook her and smiled. "Fine by me. Why are you here?"

"Jessica left something of hers here and I offered to get it for her." She said.

"What exactly?"

"Her books." She said.

I snapped my fingers. "That's right we were studying together a few nights ago."

"Who's that?" She asked looking over my shoulder.

"Hi!" Alice shouted across the room.

"Oh that's just Alice." I looked back and motioned her over. "Hey Alice come meet Jessica's sister."

"Alice?" Adrian asked.

I looked back at her and held my hand up. "Yeah and before you ask, Alice is a good friend of mine. Jessica knows all about her."

"Does she?" Adrian asked squinting her eyes at me.

"Hi!" Alice said stepping up next to me. "Oh my god it is so nice to meet you."

I nodded. "She's actually dating Quinn's brother."

"She's dating Isiah?!" Adrian asked.

I let out a chuckle and felt Alice bump into me. "Surprising isn't it?"

"I'm right here." Alice said scoffing.

I stepped back and moved out of the way. "Come in."

"This dorm room has a kitchen?" Adrian asked.

"I know right?!" Alice asked.

I smiled and nodded my head. "Yeah it does fortunately."

"Where's Jessica's books at?" Adrian asked.

I pointed to my bedroom door. "Right in there, should be on my desk."

"This is such a boy's dorm." Adrian said before walking into my room.

"She seems......." Alice said before blowing a raspberry.

I walked back over to my window and opened the blinds. "Tell me about it."

"It's hard to think her and Jessica are sisters." She said with a slight giggle at the end.

I stared out at all the people moving around the courtyard. "I only remember her slightly because Quinn and her used to date."

"Really? Her and Quinn?" She asked bumping into my shoulder.

I turned to her and chuckled. "Yeah believe it or not they used to date a long time ago."

"That does not seem like the girl Quinn would go for." She said crossing her arms.

"They were both different then." I sighed and closed my blinds. "Much different."

"Wait but Adrian has a bit of an accent." She said placing her finger on her lips.

"Ok and?"

"Well why doesn't Jessica have one?" She asked.

My eyes flickered for a moment as a lightbulb went off in my head. "I haven't the faintest fucking idea."

Right on cue Adrian came walking out of my room with Jessica's textbooks in hand. Alice and I both suddenly turned our attention to her.

"I heard my name." She said with a slight smirk. "You guys talking shit?"

I shook my head and pointed my finger at her. "Why do you have an accent and Jessica doesn't?"

"Also Jessica is white." Alice added.

"And?" Adrian asked.

"You're not." I answered.

"But yet you're sisters." Alice said.

There was a moment where I could tell Adrian wanted to answer. But for the sake of being difficult she shook her head and waved it off. Instead she walked over to my door, which was still open, and glanced back at us.

"Some questions require long and complicated answers. Maybe another time." She said with a wink before walking out of the room entirely.

I placed my hands on my hips."Jessica has a lot of explaining to do."

"She's not the only one." Alice said before laying down on my couch.

That's when the reality of my dilemma hit hard. In the end of the day I had to tell Jessica that we were breaking up. I had to make up some bullshit explanation to avoid the real one. The reality that I had cheated on her twice with my ex-girlfriend that I told her I didn't like anymore. I walked over to my front door and slowly closed it before leaning my head against.

I closed my eyes and rubbed them with my palms. "You know for a moment I almost forgot."

"Forgot what? The truth?" Alice asked.

"Yeah. No matter the outcome, I fucked up regardless."

"Yeah you did." She said with some sass in her voice.

I opened my eyes and looked back at her. "Can you just....be my friend and not captain obvious."

"Well it's the truth Josh. No point in hiding from it." She said sitting up. "You're better off telling Jessica the full story. Not the one you're making up in your head."

I walked over to her and leaned against the arm of the couch. "If I do that....I'll lose her."

"You'll lose her anyway. Especially if she finds the truth out for herself. The least you can do is be a man about it and tell her yourself." She said.

I grabbed my shoes off the livingroom floor and sat down on the couch. "Don't talk to me about being a man about anything. We both know a man would never cheat on his girlfriend and I've already done that."

"Do you hear yourself?" She asked. "You know as well as I do that you're better than this. You lie to Jessica.... you're no better than your father."

That stung. That stung pretty fucking hard. It was no secret that my dad cheated on my mom multiple times before their divorce. All my close friends knew about it. I hadn't really thought about him ever since the divorce. I was young, twelve years old to be exact. I didn't know at the time of course that he was cheating piece of shit. I only found out as I got older, my mom did a good job of shielding me from the reality of it all. She didn't want me to hate my dad, she still wanted him to be apart of my life. It didn't matter, I hadn't talked to him in years. Alice was right, I was really turning into him. Making all the wrong choices and denying the reality of what I was.

I put on my shoes and looked at Alice. "You're right. I am no better than him. But unlike him, I can make things right."

I stood up and walked over to my front door before stopping. I looked back at Alice, who hadn't said a word, before leaving her there in the room alone. I left the building and walked across campus to the girl's dormitories. I had to see Jessica, I had to tell her the truth. That I'm no good for her, that she deserves a lot better than me. I could be happy with Danielle, but not with the guilt of Jessica looming over me. I had to make things right.

I walked into the girl's dormitories and went upstairs to Jessica's room number. I stood outside her door pacing back and forth for a good five minutes. I had no idea how to tell her, I could've been straight forward, but that would crush her. Fuck it was going to crush her regardless. She had her doubts and she was right, I cared more for Danielle than I ever did for her. There was no beating around the bush on this one. I looked at her door and held my hand out to knock on it before it flung open. I was met with Jessica's stunning blue eyes before I could even collect myself. She looked as if she had the same idea of coming to see me instead. Her outfit surely didn't scream anything special. A pair of grey sweatpants and a black crop top.

Everything I had thought about saying completely left my mind. All I could do was stand there and stare into Jessica's ocean blue eyes. I took a step forward and so did she. Her eyes were telling the whole story even though she hadn't spoken a word.

They were saying "Come closer."

So I did, I took another step forward and just like that our lips collided with one another. In that moment I had completely forgotten all about Danielle. I had forgotten about the promise I made to break up with Jessica. All I could think about was Jessica's lips against mine. The way she was aggressively forcing her tongue into my mouth. She had missed me, more than I had missed her. A huge part of me wanted to just pull away and tell her the truth. I really wanted to just tell her the truth. But how could I? How could I do that to her?

I only hated myself more for closing the door behind us and pinning her against it. My conscious had all but left me at that point. I wasn't thinking, I wasn't being reasonable, I wasn't being honest with myself. I only did what I felt Jessica wanted me to do. Her hand has found its way to the hem of my sweater and pulled it halfway up chest. In that moment I wanted nothing more than to tear our clothes off and spend the rest of the night in bed together. But Alice's words came back to haunt me.

"You lie to Jessica.....you're no better than your father."

I pulled away from Jessica and moved her hands away from my shirt. She seemed confused and she had every right to be. I took a breath and walked over to her couch before sitting down on it. I cupped my hands together took another deep breath. I felt her sit down next to me and that's when I knew I had to tell her. I turned my body to face her and I saw tears already forming in her eyes. Some how, some way, she know what I was going to say.

"Jess.....there's something I have to tell you."

"I know." She said closing her eyes and wiping her tears away. "I know about you and her."

I closed my eyes as well and reached for her hand. "You....are an amazing girl Jess. Any guy would be lucky to have you." I opened my eyes to see her bright blue eyes inches away from me. "You deserve so much better than me."

"Why? After all the things you told me, why did you still end up going back to her?" She said grabbing my hand.

"Danielle and I have known eachother for so long. I should've known better than to get together with you. In my heart I knew I wasn't ready to move on." I placed my hand over hers and tried my best to form a smile.

"I want you to know that the moments I've shared with you, I was happy in all of them. You're not the problem Jess, I am. I just want you to know that I'm sorry for everything I've put you through."

"So that's it then?" She asked. Her tone growing more furious with every word. "You get to go off into the sunset with your ex and it's like we were never together?"

"I don't want to lose you Jess." I pleaded. "I know you'll need time but.....I still hope we can be friends."

"Fuck....you." She said shoving me back before standing up.

I held a hand up to shield from her throwing any punches. "Jess come on!"

"NO! FUCK YOU!" She yelled grabbing a pillow off the couch and hitting me with it.

I stood up and backed away from her. "This isn't how I wanted things to end. But it's better this way, I can't keep pretending that my heart doesn't belong to someone else. It's not fair to you or me."

"Get out!" She barked.

"Jess."

"GET OUT!" She screamed.

I ran my palm across my face before turning and leaving her room. I closed her door behind me and heard the sounds of her crying. I didn't want it to come to this. In a perfect world Jessica and I would be great friends and Danielle and I would be together. But I fucked up and dated Jessica. Now I had to deal with the repercussions of breaking up with her.

I ran my hands through my hair as I walked downstairs and outside of the building. I found myself walking towards building B where Danielle was staying at. When I got inside and up to the third floor I found myself standing in front of her door. I had been in this same exact spot so many times this past week. More times than I care to admit to myself. But this time was different, I had to make things right. Not just for Jessica or for Danielle, but for myself. I wasn't good enough for either of them. The truth was in another life I could see myself with Jessica for a long time. I could see us growing old together, she was that special of a girl. The only problem was I was too attached to my past to see it. That led me to the girl on the other side of the door I was standing in front of.

Danielle Peterson.

I loved her, I really did fucking love her. But I don't think I could ever be with her without thinking of myself as I complete and udder asshole. Sure I could be with her again, sure it could be great. But it'll never be what it once was. I knew that and I believe Danielle knew that too.

So what was I to do?

Stay with Danielle and feel guilty for the rest of my time with her?

Or do I leave?

Leave like I always have?

Like my father?

I pressed my head against the door and knocked on it a few times. I heard some scrambling on the other side before the door opened. There she was, wearing my hoodie that I still haven't gotten back. From the look in her eyes she could tell that I had done it. That I had officially ended things with Jessica. I didn't have to say anything, I just took her lead and stepped inside her room. I took a few steps before I felt her arms wrap around my waist. I also felt her head press against my back as her hands works their way my belt.

"Do you wanna go to my bedroom?" She asked in a soft tone.

I grabbed her hands and pried them off of my waist. I turned around and pressed my forehead against hers. I reached down and held her hands in mine. I felt her breath hitch when I leaned in and planted a kiss on her lips. For a moment our lips stuck together like glue before I finally pulled away. I watched as we both caught our breath before giving her my answer.

"Nothing would make me feel better."