A few days later

Shey and Luka's schedule had faltered slightly after Lace had left. I had a feeling that without the rigid and nearly militaristic female that it had definitely easier to slip out of the it. However we had maintained that schedule as best as we could without Lace there, it was a bit difficult but we had stopped the faltering and that was enough.

There were still times when Shey wouldn't want to get out of bed but Luka was there for her, as was May. It was hard for her, she felt like she was at fault for Amelia's death, that she didn't do enough for her. It was hard for her to get through but she was working on it. I truly understood how she felt, having guilt after your loved one died. I had dealt with that when Catherine and Bethany died and to this day I still felt guilty for their deaths, so I doubted that the feeling would ever truly go away for either of them.

Luka was having just as much difficulty as Shey, even though he showed it less. He would get out of bed, push himself through his schedule but late at night I would find him in the study, doing his best to drink it all away. I didn't blame him for it, for trying to drown it all out, but I also knew that it wasn't healthy. So I tended to slip away from my bedroom when the moon was high in the sky to be there for him. At least if I monitored him I could control how much he drank and make sure he didn't over do it. Once he hit the limit I had set I would take him to his room so he could sleep it off.

I knew that if I kept a close eye on his drinking that I could help him limit it and if it got too out of control then I would get May involved. It was best to keep an eye on him and I knew that if he was pushed to stop right now then it would end in disaster. Luka did not like being pressured into things, especially when it came to his own ability to cope with what he was feeling. Luka could be very stubborn when he wished to be and this was a very delicate situation to be in. It was best to monitor him and make sure he didn't drink himself into a coma rather than try and force him to stop.

"Unca Mikey." At Heidi's call I looked over from my place on the couch. Luka and Shey were down at the dining hall and I had just come up to the office to sort out of the paperwork for when they got done with the pack.

"Yes, Eidi-oh?" I watched as she pushed open the door wider, swiping at her eyes as her bottom lip trembled. My heart twisted in my chest as I watched her come towards me, her little shoulders shuddering.

"I miss Ahmee." She croaked it out and I gave a small sound of comfort low in my throat as I held out my arms for her. She swiped at her glassy eyes as her bottom lip trembled. I grasped her underneath the arms and pulled her onto my lap, wrapping my arms around her. "She's gone for so long. I want her back." She pressed her face into my chest and I closed my eyes with a pained sigh.

"I'm sorry, Eidi-oh, but Amy died, she can't come back." I wondered when this would end, her continually asking for her sister. I wondered when it would fully sink in that Amelia was gone and would never come home.

"But I miss her." Her little voice trembled and I kissed her temple, stroking her hair gently.

"I know you do." She missed her so much that it made my eyes burn. You could see it in everything that she did. She looked for her constantly, no matter what she did or what happened she always turned to share it with Amelia before confusion would sink in because Amelia wasn't there. I knew she would reach out for her when she was sleeping and wake up terrified because Amelia wasn't there to grasp onto.

"She needs to come back. Mama and daddy are sad. I'm sad." With that she burst into tears. I looked up at the ceiling and blinked rapidly to try and get the burning in my own eyes to stop. I rubbed her little back and held her close as she sobbed out her confused pain over not understanding why her twin wasn't with her anymore.

"Sometimes we lose those we love. It hurts us but no matter how bad it hurts we can't have them back. We have to live with the pain of them not being there." It was hard for me to say because all I could think of was Bethany and Catherine and losing them. Previous to losing Amelia, there were moments I almost forgot about them both, true they were always in the back of my mind but there had been days when it wasn't pulled to the front of it. Now it was like every time I turned around they were there, everything reminded me of them and I felt so guilty.

It was especially worse when I was around Lilith because I would forget about it all for a brief moment and when I remembered it was like taking a solid hit to the stomach. It hurt and left me gasping for air before the guilt would saturate my entire body. It was so hard for me to not blame Lilith, to not let a heavy resentment for her grow inside me. I knew that Catherine wouldn't blame her and that she wouldn't approve of me resenting her. Despite knowing that it was still difficult to not blame her for it. I didn't want to but I knew there was a part of me that did blame her.

Heidi shifted in my arms and I turned my attention back to her, shaking off the previous train of thought. "I know you miss Amelia. I miss her too but this is a hurt we can't take back." It was so hard for me to say it because she didn't truly understand but it was something that needed to be said again and again until she grasped it.

She picked at the buttons on my shirt as she wiped at her eyes with the back of her other hand. "Okay, Unca Mikey." She gave a sombre nod and I hugged her tightly as I kissed the top of her head. I could hear the approach of others and within a few moments Mari came inside with Shey and Luka following close behind. I wasn't quite sure when Mari and Bennett would be leaving but Mari seemed intent on staying to help Luka and Shey. As for Bennett, he was where Mari was and he didn't much care otherwise. That wasn't to say he was cruel or cold in the face of Amelia's death, he wasn't, he just didn't seem to care where he was located as long as Maricella was beside him.

"Mama." Heidi croaked it out as she pushed off my lap and ran for Shey. Shey's eyes immediately watered but she bent down and picked Heidi up as the little female burst into a new round of tears. "I miss her!" It was nearly a wail and I could see Shey starting to crumble at it as she clung to Heidi.

Luka wrapped an arm around her lower back and pressed a kiss to both of their temples. His hands shook but he was doing his best to stand strong for them both. "It's okay, baby, it will be okay." Heidi muffled her sobs into Shey's shoulder before she looked at her dad. He reached out and cupped her face with his free hand, brushing his thumb against her sticky cheek. "We will get through this." His voice trembled and he swallowed hard before he looked towards Mari as if silently pleading for help.

"Your daddy is right, it hurts now but it will get better. It's okay to hurt, to miss her. It's natural." Maricella walked towards them all and rubbed Heidi's back. "So you go ahead and cry out the hurt. It needs to come out and you can cry as long and as hard as you need to because it is okay to be hurt." She brushed Heidi's black curls away from her face, a look of pained sympathy crossing her face as she did so. "It will get better. It might not be today or tomorrow or years from now but you will get there." She reached over and grasped Luka's hand in her own, giving it a comforting squeeze.

"Now we need to do some paperwork, Heidi, so why don't you go with Uncle Mike to find Uncle Benny so you and Jackie can play and have some fun." At the statement Heidi shook her head rather viciously.

"Wanna stay." The words trembled and Shey shushed her softly as her arms tightened around her.

"She can stay, we can sit on the couch with Luka." She hastily wiped at her eyes before she looked up at Luka. There was a heavy sort of desperation to her look that made my chest ache. She was so terrified of losing more than she already had. I didn't blame her but it was hard to see, hard to witness such a strong female look so fragile and half a second from crumbling into pieces.

He gave a nearly imperceivable nod before he gave her a soft kiss. "Go sit down, we will get the paperwork." He leaned down and pressed his forehead to Shey's his eyes closing as he murmured her in a voice that was too low for me to hear.

Mari stepped back, flicking her eyes towards me before she gave her head a small jerk. I caught the intent of the action immediately and stood up. I moved towards her as Shey carried Heidi towards the couch and Lua headed for the desk for the rest of the paperwork. I gave Mari a small hum of questioning and her expression pinched together. "I didn't see Lilith in the dining hall. She might have wandered off."

At that I gave a half hearted smile. "Oh, Carrie is watching her." She was probably just in the kitchen picking at whatever food the tenacious old shifter had placed in front of her.

Mari gave a short shake of her head as she watched Luka walk toward the couch, a handful of papers in his hand. "Gamgam was in the dining hall, Lilith wasn't. You know that she can get a little scatterbrained when it comes to serving the pack meals. Lilith might have slipped away in the chaos." Mari glanced up at me and I narrowed my eyes in slight frustration before I rubbed between my eyebrows, trying to rub the frown away. "She might not have but she wasn't around and I couldn't scent her out in the house. Just giving you a heads up."

She gave me a tight lipped smile before gently pushing me towards the door. "I have everything in hand here, Ainsley and Kiel will be coming up, you can go figure it out. We will be fine." I glanced at Luka and Shey as they settled on the couch, nearly curled into one another as Heidi lay across both their laps.

I gave Mari a small nod. "Thanks." I bent down and kissed her cheek before I left the office, the frustration bubbling up in my chest. Gamgam, where is Lilith? I needed to check in with her just to be sure she wasn't where I had left her.

Was just going to let you know that she has wandered off. I would go and find her but I have to ensure the pack doesn't destroy my kitchen in their attempts to put leftovers away. Her reply was snappish and I bit off an agitated sound that had grown in my throat at it. It was really hard for me with Lilith, it was. I had my duties as Beta and that meant I couldn't watch her every moment of every day and I could barely rely on anyone else to keep an eye on her because without fail they always lost track of her. It was frustrating for me and I didn't know what I was supposed to do with it, with her.

I didn't even bother heading for the kitchen as I hit the bottom of the stairs, I went straight outside, holding the door open for Kiel as he came trotting over. "You see Lilith out in the trees?" He huffed at my words and I rolled my eyes as I gritted my teeth together. He brushed up against my legs as he moved by, sending me reassurance over the mindlink. I patted his side absently before I let the door close behind him.

I pinched the bridge of my nose and reached out towards Sean. Have you or the patrols spotted Lilith?

If any of them did they would have let you know. I made sure they would. After the little incident with him had had been very clear on letting every single person in the pack know to not approach her and to get me to go and get her. I appreciated it, despite how it was agitating for me to have her wander off at all, I did appreciate the effort the pack was putting forth in ensuring she would be safe and somewhat corralled.

Thanks. Can you let me know where everyone has been patrolling so far? If I at least knew where they had been that let me know that she wouldn't be there. It narrowed my search radius by a fair margin.

Sure thing. Within a few moments he sent me a detailed mental image of the patrol map and what areas had been patrolled at what times. Don't worry, you'll find her, you always do. With that the connection broke off and I let out a heavy sigh. That was part of the problem, I shouldn't have had to worry about finding her at all but I was stuck wasting my time trying to track her down when I should have been helping my Alphas through their loss.

That was something that made the resentment really hard to push away. I felt like I was spending so much time on her and nothing else was getting done. All of my time was being spent on her and it was frustrating for me. I couldn't understand why it was so difficult for her to simply listen to what I said. I heaved out a sigh, knowing it was pointless to question her about it, she wouldn't know how to respond and wouldn't even understand what I was talking about.

I mentally studied the map Sean had given me and headed for the treeline. I had to find her and bring her back because as much as I hated having to find her, having her out in the wilderness like she was, was worse. I had to protect her, that is what Mene had asked of me and I couldn't tell the goddess no, one didn't tell Mene no. That wasn't how it worked in this world. If Mene told you to do something, you did it. There was no questioning or bowing out when it came to that, you did it regardless of how you felt about it.

I started moving through the areas that hadn't been checked by the patrols, trying to scent out Lilith despite knowing it wasn't going really work. Her scent blended in too well with everything else, it just wasn't the right time of year to use that to find her. I had to rely on sight and hearing to find her which felt like stunted my abilities a fair bit. What was worse was that she never followed a pattern, I never found her in the same spot so I never had a place I could start looking for her. I just had to pick a spot and go from there and hope I ran into her.

I just hoped it didn't take me over an hour to find her like it had the last time. I had been borderline frantic by the time I had found her. She had climbed up a tree and had talked about pompous popinjays before she attempted to throw pine cones at me. I didn't really understand what was going on but I figured she was stuck in some type of energy and was acting something out rather than really meaning to do what she was doing.

She had this tendency to get stuck in these pockets of energy where she seemed to recreate things that lingered within it. Almost like she got stuck in pockets of time. It was really strange to see but all I could do was try and bring her back to the present. I was just happy that she didn't get stuck in them often and once she got stuck in one, it never reappeared again. So that was something I was thankful for because if they did we would have needed to avoid a lot of places within the territory.

I walked through the trees, carefully listening to see if I could hear her speaking or talking but there was nothing but the rustle of wind through the trees and the faint chattering of squirrels. I frowned but continued to trek through the trees, shoving my ragged hair back from my face. It needed a cut but I didn't want to say anything because Lilith had a strange fascination about cutting my hair. I had a feeling if I mentioned it then she would take scissors to it while I was sleeping. I really didn't want to wake up to that so it was better to keep quiet about it.

My wolf perked his ear up, tilting his head to the side. I didn't even question the action as I turned towards the direction of whatever it was that he heard. I had spent too long as a wild to not trust his instincts when it came to tracking. It wasn't long before I could hear what he had. Faint little grunts of exertion that had me frowning slightly before I came to a small clearing underneath a weeping willow tree where Lilith was pushing a rather large rock around. It seemed like she had been fairly busy because there was another fairly large rock situated right in front of the weeping willow truck that I could tell had been pushed there.

She gave another grunt as she pushed the large rock. Her hands were dirty and I could see she had abandoned my sweater next to the other rock. "Lilith, what are you doing?" I asked it evenly as I crossed my arms and leaned against a nearby tree.

She didn't respond as she gave the rock another push, moving it a few inches across the ground. "I'm helping them." She nearly grunted it out as she managed to push the rock just a bit further.

"Who is them?" I tilted my head as I watched her. I would have helped her but when she got like this it was better to just let her work it out herself.

"Them." She gave another heavy grunt and managed to get the rock next to the other one. She sat down, brushing her hair from her face and managing to smear dirt across her forehead as she did so.

"That doesn't answer the question, Lilith." I didn't think I would get an actual response but sometimes it was just so difficult being around her when nothing made any sense.

"I keep hearing them, their voices. They told me to do this." She glanced at me before she wiped her hands on the jeans she was wearing, as if she had just realized they were dirty.

I gave a heavy sigh. "I still don't know what that means but you should probably go back inside." I just wanted her back where I could keep an eye on her. I didn't want to be mad at her, I really didn't but it was so hard when she didn't seem to understand the consequences of what she did. Wandering off was dangerous and no matter how many times I told that to her it never seemed to sink in.

"But I need to finish." She looked towards the rocks and I shook my head before I pushed off the tree and walked towards her.

I grabbed the sweater off of the ground and tied it around my waist. "You can finish later, when someone is with you, but not right now." Once I reached her side I held out my hand for her to take.

She looked at the rocks in a rather forlorn and longing way. "Okay." She reached up, taking my hand in hers and I helped pull her to her feet. I kept her hand tucked firmly in mine as I led her her back through the trees and towards the house.

"You can't just wander off without someone with you, Lilith. It's not safe." I hated how many times I had to repeat myself but at the same time I couldn't stop myself from repeating it towards her.

"Okay, Micheal." She swung our hands slightly between us and I gave another sigh.

"Do you know what you just agreed too, Lilith?" I knew what the answer was going to be but just like with telling her not to wander off, I couldn't stop myself from asking it.

"What are we talking about, Micheal?" At her response I stopped, my chest clenching slightly. It really wasn't her fault she was like this. Everything that I was dealing with was because some piece of shit male had decided to abuse her like he did. He broke her, he utterly destroyed her and that wasn't her fault. Yes I got mad and irritated and frustrated and resented her a tiny bit but that wasn't her fault. She didn't understand what she was doing, she never asked for any of this, and she couldn't control it.

I knew I needed to keep that in mind more often when I started to get irritated with her. I knew it would be difficult but it truly wasn't her fault. She had that choice taken from her the moment that male had taken her from her home. Everything from that point on was beyond her control. Even Mene putting me as her protector and guardian was beyond her control. Lilith was stuck in a world where she had no choice in anything anymore.

"Micheal?" Lilith gave my hand a gentle squeeze as she tilted her head. I just shook my head before pulling her my hand out of her and giving her a hug. I held her tightly, giving another sigh as I silently berated myself for feeling so agitated with her all the time. It wasn't her fault, she didn't have a choice. "This is nice. I like hugs." She wrapped her arms around me and I nodded.

"I like hugs too." It did feel nice and I had forgotten what it was like, hugging that one person you were to spend the rest of your life with. It really was nice, almost comforting in a way. It was like everything felt right and okay in your world. I figured I needed that.

If there was anything I needed to make sure my world was right and okay it was a bit of chemical reinforcement of the bond to make me feel better about everything that was going on. Lilith nuzzled my chest, giving me a tighter squeeze. "I like you, Micheal." Her voice was muffled and I couldn't help the faint smile I found growing on my face at the words.

"I like you too, Lilith." Despite everything that I found that could irritate me or agitated me or make me so mad and frustrated that I wanted to scream, she was a sweet and kind female to her core. It was hard not to like her when she was like that. She just wanted to make others laugh or smile and it was just so sweet to watch her. For a female who had been so abused and so traumatized it was amazing that her one thought was to bring the love and positivity that had been denied her while she was with Adam. I slowly let her go and took her hand in mine once more. I gave her a lopsided grin as I gave her a hand a squeeze. "Let's go back to the house, okay?"

She rapidly nodded at that and gave me a sweet smile. "Okay, Micheal!" She gave my hand a squeeze in return and we turned and headed towards the house. I looked down at her and made a promise to myself to be more understanding with her. It wasn't her fault, she was stuck in a world where she had no choice. I had to remember that and I am sure if I did then our lives would be a lot easier to live.