The LSATS aren't until June and yet, they are already stressing me out. I have to study for them now but I also have my actual classes that I have to study for. My brain is going to explode. Not to mention the fact that I've just been in a bad mood all day.

I blame that on the fact that my classes are so dull that it feels like my brain is actually dying at how boring my classes are. I guess the statistics course isn't awful but I also had environmental law today and although I do respect the environment, I do not care one ounce about the legality behind it.

On a Thursday night, I have absolutely no plans. Bella knows that I have to study my ass off on Thursday nights so she doesn't even try to hang out and now that I'm not really talking to my brother, I'm all by myself and I'm getting this done no matter how miserable it makes me.

In my first two years of college, when I was dating Clayton, this didn't seem so bad. He would come over, massage my shoulders or kiss my neck while I was studying. Or if he wasn't touching me, he'd at least just be there, whether it be lying on my bed just watching me work, doing stuff on his phone, or helping me study with flash cards.

Being around him was so easy. He understood how to handle my stress, make me smile in the middle of the worst study guide. We were always laughing together at inside jokes and just existing so well together. kjkiI didn't realize how easy he actually made things until this year, when I don't have him here to make things easy anymore.

I'm now realizing just how awful law is and it just makes everything so much better knowing that this is what I'm going to be doing for the rest of my life.

At about eight at night, there's a knock at my bedroom door. I know that I have to keep studying but my headache is begging me to take a break, even a few seconds, so I get up from my desk and open the door to see Shaw standing there.

"What are you doing here?" I ask him curiously, letting him into the room before I shut the door behind him.

"Your brother let me in. What are you up to?" He looks over at my desk and notices all of the books and notebooks open where I've been hard at work all night.

"Just some Thursday night torture," I mumble, going back to my desk. "I don't really have time for anything, I really have to study. I have an environmental exam on Tuesday and a poly sci paper on Wednesday so I'm kind of drowning here. Did you let me know that you were coming over? I didn't hear my phone."

"Nope, just surprising you," He shrugs and leans against the bed. "I was bored and decided to stop by. Are you sure that you can't take a little break?"

"I took a break an hour ago to eat," I mutter as I go back into the books.

"How long has it been since you've taken a break to breathe?" He wonders.

"Five weeks," I sigh as my headache is growing worse. I've already taken so many Aspirin tonight that I feel like I might overdose if I take any more. "You can stick around if you want but I'm not going to be much fun tonight. You'll just have to watch me study."

"Isn't this stuff for your major?" Shaw asks me curiously. "I mean, I know that college is stressful but if this is what you're majoring in, I feel like it shouldn't be making you miserable. You should like this stuff."

"In a perfect world, yeah. I guess that I should enjoy what I'm studying," I agree with him but I'm mostly focused on the text book and my notes, hardly paying attention to what Shaw is even saying. Usually, I do really like seeing him and I like spending time with him but right now is just a bad time.

On Tuesday, after Bella left, he spent the night and that was great so we saw each other yesterday morning. It's pretty strange that we're seeing each other two days in a row because that usually doesn't happen very often. Not that it's a bad thing but I worry that he'll distract me from the exam studying that I've been doing.

And considering how much I just do not care about environmental law, it's pretty easy to get me distracted from it. That's why I've been in here alone with no music, not even my laptop open on my desk. It's just the text book, study guide, and my notes so that I won't let myself get so easily distracted.

"You should take a breather," He suggests.

I've been in a bad mood all day so I'm also not really in the mood for his carefree attitude about everything. "I can't just not study for this exam. It's worth a third of my grade."

"How much does that class really matter though?"

"It matters," I assure him. "Even if it didn't, a bad grade would still tank my GPA. Maybe we should hang out tomorrow instead of tonight. I always arrange my plans so that I get most of my studying done on Thursday nights so I don't have time to stop."

"You sound like a crazy person, Wren. It won't kill you to take just half an hour to relax," He insists.

"In a way, it kind of would. I take a break tonight, I fail that exam, my GPA plummets, I don't get into law school, my parents murder me," I explain to him. Shaw and I are complete opposites when it comes to this. When his parents gave him their ultimatum, he went against them. Said no thanks to their money and left. I did not, I just did what they told me to do.

He's probably happier than me, clearly he's care free and I don't think that I've been that carefree since elementary school. But he doesn't have any money, he lives in a dirt hole of an apartment and he barely gets by.

Whereas me, I have this nice apartment, I go to a nice school, and I live comfortably. But I hate all of my classes, I hate studying for my classes, and I absolutely dread the future. I also dread my parents' disapproval though, which is why I keep going. Shaw just doesn't care what anybody thinks about him ever. So I'm not surprised that he doesn't understand why I'm so stressed and why I feel like I can't stop working now.

"Wow," He exhales. "You are one mental breakdown away from Britney in 2007."

That reference would have made me laugh in any other situation but right now, I'm just not in the mood.

"Okay, seriously, if you hate this all so much then why are you doing it? Just so that you don't piss off your parents?"

"Yeah, pretty much," I confirm without looking away from my text book.

"You should just quit," He informs me. "Fuck what they think, just do what makes you happy. All of this is bullshit, you know."

"It's not that easy," I mumble. "Please, Shaw, I'm really not in the mood for this. I have a lot of work to do."

"Why don't you quit?" He asks me, sounding very serious about this very stupid question. "You're miserable, you want to be miserable for the rest of your life? Just because that's what your family wants? Haven't you had enough of being walked on by everybody around you?"

"Shaw, I really don't need a motivational speech right now," I inform him, trying my best to hide my irritation but I'm sure that I'm failing pretty badly at it. "I'm sorry that you came all the way over here but I'm just really busy and I don't have time for this conversation right now."

"Sure. I'm just saying that if you weren't so strung out, you'd have time for conversations. Even on Thursdays," Shaw informs me. "I know what you're going through, you know, my parents were the same way. It's possible to say no to them sometimes."

"And end up like you?" I ask him. I know that it sounds mean but I have mentioned a few times now that I'm in a bad mood, I'm irritable, and I think that I'm PMSing a little bit so that doesn't help the situation at all. I just want Shaw to leave, I want to get back to studying without interruptions, and I want this night to be over.

"Like me?" He repeats for clarification.

"That's what I said."

"What exactly does that mean?" Shaw wonders slowly.

"You live in a shit apartment, with barely any money, and you make money by beating people up and stealing," I explain to him. I can't focus on my study guide but I don't turn around to look at him either. "And you talk to people like shit sometimes which I don't know if that is a symptom or it's just how you are. You don't have anybody in your life that you really care about, or that really cares about you. Anyway, that's what I meant when I said that I don't want to be like you."

"You think that your life is any better?" He snorts out incredulously and I can tell that this is not going to end well. He's getting irritated at me and I'm thinking that he should have just left when I asked him to politely. This is definitely going down a bad road. "I mean, sure, you have this nice apartment but you share it with your shit brother, down the hall from your shit ex-boyfriend. You can probably hear them fuck through the walls because you just let everybody walk all over you. And so you're going to graduate this fancy school and you're going to be miserable for the rest of your life. You think that this Clay and Jesse thing is just a onetime thing? Everybody in your life is going to cheat you and fuck you over because they know that you won't do a goddam thing about it."

"I won't be living on the streets," I add.

"No, you'll have a nice house with a husband who's sleeping with the maid. Or, I guess maybe the pool boy," Shaw informs me. "I'm not controlled by anybody else. I can live whatever life I want because I have a fucking backbone."

"Until it's broken in one of your stupid fights," I respond quickly. "Listen, we aren't going to agree with each other and we're just pissing each other off so can you please just leave? You're not going to change my mind about my decisions and I'm not trying to change your mind either. I'm in a really bad mood so this conversation is not going to get any better."

"Yeah, whatever. I'm leaving," He grumbles as he starts to head for the door.

"Maybe you shouldn't come around for a while," I add before he leaves. He really pissed me off with everything that he just said so I don't think that I want to see him any time soon. I know that I said it about him first but he persisted and he wouldn't shut up about how I should just give up. It was his fault. "I've sure had my fair share of crazy by now and you've definitely gotten laid. We both got what we wanted out of this."

"You're right," He agrees with a nod and then without another word, he slithers out of my room and a few moments later, I hear the front door slam shut.

I wait a few minutes and then go out front to get a bottle of water from the fridge. I need to calm down from whatever the hell just happened with Shaw.

Did I just break up with him? I mean, we obviously weren't actually dating but we broke up as friends, I think. It was just in the heat of the moment though, we both said some mean things about the other. If he would have left when I asked him to the first time, none of that would have happened. He instigated me and he probably could tell that I wasn't in the best of moods.

It was just so random though, him coming over here and instigating whatever that was. So maybe it wasn't for real, one of us will call the other one in a few days and figure it all out.

"Trouble in paradise?" Jesse comes out of his room as I'm fishing through the fridge full of food.

"You think that I'm in paradise?" I ask him with my head still stuck in the fridge. "Really? Sleeping with a stuck-up asshole and watching my brother fall in love with my boyfriend, that's paradise?"

"I just heard you fighting with Shaw."

"Probably because we were fighting, Jess," I respond sarcastically. "Thanks for keeping me updated on your observational skills."

"Wren," He stops me from walking away after I've gotten my bottle of water and I start to head back to my room. Hopefully, I can get over what just happened with Shaw and get some more work done. "What happened?"

"It's none of your business," I snap at him, still reeling from my argument with Shaw, feeling riled up and angry. After so many weeks of blinding rage, being angry is painful now. Like over-exercising the same muscle over and over. "Nothing that happens in my life will ever be your business again, so stop asking."

And then without my permission, I start to cry. Because I want my life to be his business. I want to be able to rant to Jesse about my problems like I used to and he'd pat me on the back and tell me that everything would work itself out. He'd make us popcorn while we binged Kitchen Nightmare reruns and start imitating Gordon Ramsay until I forgot why I was upset in the first place. That's the only thing I want in this moment, but I can't have it. 

"I can help," Jesse offers me, his voice light and feathery, as if talking to a scared puppy. "I think we have some popcorn in the cupboard."

I lean against the wall by my bedroom door, putting my face in my hand to hide my tears. It's such a strange feeling to mourn a person as they stand in front of you. But this Jesse isn't the brother I grew up with and I would never have him back in the ways that I need.

"There are so many times in the last two years that you could have chosen to make the right decision," I tell him with a sniffle. "And I think we could have made it through this, if you ever just once decided to choose me. When you started getting feelings for him, when you started screwing him. Even after I found out, if you had started choosing me then, maybe we could have worked through this. But even in the last couple of months, you've always chosen yourself. You've chosen to hurt me and it's done its damage. So no, Jesse, you can't help."

I look up just in time to see him wiping a tear from his own cheek as he stands in front of me, watching me mourn the person that he used to be. Or at least, the person that I thought he was. "Wren, please."

"He told me that what's happened between you and Clay is my fault, because I just let people walk all over me. That's why we were fighting."

"That's insane of him to say. He shouldn't talk to you like that."

"He's right though," I mumble with a small shrug. "I guess that's why I got so pissed at him for saying it."

"No, he wasn't right," He objects just for my benefit. "That prick wouldn't understand anything—he's never cared about anybody else in his entire life."

"You don't know him."

"I know that you'll find somebody better."

"He cares about me more than you do," I tell him as I cross my arms over my chest. "You've been acting like a fucking psychopath. We're supposed to have each other's backs, we're supposed to be partners in crime. And now you're the thing I need protected from. It feels like the world is upside down.

Jesse is crying almost as hard as I am now, his face read and his chest heaving with quiet sobs as tears glisten on his cheeks. "Wren, I'm sorry."

"I don't believe you. I found an apartment to move into next semester and I'll get a job to pay the rent so that I won't have to ask Mom and Dad for money. I'm signing the lease next week and the second I'm out of here, you're dead to me. More than you already are."

I grab my door handle and hear Jesse behind me saying, "Wait, Wren. Please wait," but I go into my room and shut the door between us before my entire body breaks down. From the fight I had with Shaw to my brutal talk with Jesse, it all hits me like a tidal wave.

Right now, it just feels like everything hurts. And it feels like it won't ever stop hurting.