Monday goes by in a blur and then on Tuesday, I sleep all day until I have to get up to go to my doctor's appointment. This appointment is the only thing I can think about and it's making me sick to my stomach. Or maybe that's the pregnancy. I don't know. Clayton wanted to go too since he's apparently feeling very guilty about it. I didn't even entertain the idea and instead, opted to go with Bella instead.

She rides with me to the health center but stays quiet. I think that she's just as nervous about this as I am. Well, maybe a little bit less nervous but still freaking out.

I mostly just want to get this over with now. It's been a few days, I know what I want to do if it turns out that I really am pregnant, so I just need to hear it for sure so that I can deal with it.

At the doctor's office, I sign in and I have to fill out some forms but I don't have to wait too long before a nurse comes into the waiting room and calls my name.

"Do you want me to go with you?" Bella offers me as I'm standing up.

"No, I've got this," I promise her. I want her to go back with me but I just feel like I should woman up a bit and do this part on my own. I got myself into this mess, I need to deal with it without piggy backing off of Bella's support.

"Okay. Good luck," She calls to me as I disappear into the back with the nurse so that she can take me to an examination room . I'm not sure what to expect at all—I don't know if I'm going to be put into a gown or if they're going to look at my downstairs area. The nurse doesn't give me any instructions, she just puts me in the room and tells me that the doctor will be here soon.

There's no gown, no stirrups, so I just sit on the seat covered in a noisy paper slip while I cluelessly wait. Clayton texts me, insisting that I keep him updated on what's going on. I haven't gotten any texts from Jesse yet so I think that Clayton really hasn't told Jesse about what's happening. He definitely would have talked to me about it by now if he knew.

I don't message Clay back though because I don't have any new information for him. I know that he's only so worried at the thought of him being a father. It feels nice to believe that he's so worried about me—it almost feels like old times—but I know that he's only worried about himself.

"Good afternoon, Wren," A doctor finally comes into the room. She looks friendly but I'm still worried that she'll judge me for being pregnant at my age, in the middle of my college career. I should have been more careful. I should have dealt with my breakup in a healthier way. I shouldn't be here. I'm a good person, a good kid, I shouldn't have gotten myself into this situation.

"Hi," I mutter under my breath.

"So it says that you think you might be pregnant? Have you taken any at-home tests?"

"I took like, ten, and they were all positive," I inform her as she sits down on her rolling stool with a clipboard. She flicks some of her short brown hair over her shoulder and then prepares to start writing.

"Are you having any symptoms of early pregnancy? Nausea, morning sickness, food diversions, anything like that?" She asks me.

I answer her question and then there are a few more questions after that. I answer all of them, blushing when they get personal like talking about my sexual activity and my last periods. I know that they're necessary questions that need to be asked, so I answer them as honestly as possible.

"Okay, so what we'll do today is take a blood sample," The doctor informs me in a gentle voice. She doesn't sound nearly as judgmental as I was expecting. I bet she's probably dealt with pregnant college kids many times before. I think that knowing that I'm not the only person who has ever found myself in this predicament should make me feel better, but it doesn't. "The blood sample will confirm that you're really pregnant and we'll also know how far along you are."

"Like, how many weeks?" I ask her with wide eyes. I didn't know that they'd tell me how many weeks I've been pregnant but I quickly realize that if I know how far along I am, I'll be able to find out who the father is.

"Yeah, it'll be a pretty specific time frame," She confirms with a nod. "Have you ever had your blood drawn before?"

I nod in confirmation. I'd passed out during a soccer practice in high school and after that, they had taken blood samples to run tests but I was just dehydrated. It's not the best feeling, getting blood drawn, but it's not my biggest problem right now so I'm not too worried about it.

"Great, so we'll get started. And then, if it turns out that you really are pregnant, we'll have a talk about your options. Do you have any questions?"

I shake my head at her.

"Alright. Just remember to breathe, Wren. We'll take care of you," She promises me as she's preparing the needle for the blood.

I don't know what to say to that so I just sit silently while I hold my arm out and let her take my blood with the syringe. It stings and I wince but after a moment, it's finished.

She takes my blood out of the room and tells me that she'll be back soon with the results. She can clearly tell how panicked I am and I think that instead of judging me like I thought that she would, but I think that she feels sympathetic which is not much better.

While I'm in the room alone, I text Bella so she knows what's going on. It's Tuesday, which means that it's Shaw's fight night. I know that we've stopped talking ever since the outburst in my room about how we're both wasting our lives in different ways.

If it's his baby, I don't know what I'll do. If it's Clay's, I'll have to tell him because he already knows that I might be pregnant but Shaw has no idea that this is happening. Even if it is his baby, I don't have to tell him about it. I'm not going to keep it no matter what so it would just make things more difficult.

Not to mention the fact that everything about Shaw was a bad idea. And I've recently decided that I'm done with my bad ideas. I need to get back to my life before I've permanently destroyed it. I don't' want to talk to him again.

I also don't want to have to deal with Clay so I guess no matter what, I could just tell Clay that it's not his and that way I won't have to deal with either one of them. It's probably not the most ethical decision to not tell Clay or Shaw that they've fathered a child just so that I can deal with it myself. Clay hasn't really put ethics first during our relationship anyway and Shaw isn't the most ethical person either.

I think that this way makes everybody's lives easier anyway so is it really wrong?

I don't think that either one of them would really appreciate being a father anyway.

Shaw might call me tonight, before his fights, and I'm not sure what I'll do if he does call. If I would go with him, ignore the call, or tell him the truth.

Maybe it depends on the results of the blood test. I don't think that I'd go with him but I guess I need to figure out if I would even answer the call.

When the doctor comes back into the room, she has the clipboard that she had before and that's it.

"Okay, Wren, we have your results back," She sits back down on her stool. "You are definitely pregnant. Three weeks along now."

It's Shaw's baby. We spent the night together on top of and inside of my car after meeting up at a party. We were watching the mountains together.

"Have you considered your options?"

"I want an abortion," I decide quickly. I have thought about this a lot. I've weighed the pros and cons of going with adoption. After days and hours of research between cost, legality, and things like that, I've decided to get an abortion instead of giving birth to the child and then giving it up.

"Alright," She goes with it. "In Idaho, you must go through a counseling session at least 24 hours before getting the procedure. Here is a pamphlet from Planned Parenthood with contact info for the center. Would you like to talk about your other options like adoption?"

"No. Thank you, I know this is what I want," I promise her as I receive the pamphlet. "Do you know how much it will cost?"

"It really depends on your health insurance. They aren't required to cover abortions but some may. However, since your pregnancy is not life threatening to you, it's unlikely that you'll get much financial aid. You should call the center with that number in the pamphlet for more detailed information."

I thank her again and she shows me the way back to the waiting room where Bella is still waiting for me. When she sees me, she eagerly stands from the chair and rushes to me. "So, any news?"

"It's Shaw's," I mutter. We walk together out of the building to my car. "And I can't afford the abortion on my own."

"I can lend you some money," She quickly offers. "Or... well, I can't. My mom just bought a new car so money is really tight right now. I know that it's about $800, that's what I saw online. I can maybe get you 200 or something."

"Don't worry about it, Bell," I promise her. "I have a plan."

"What's your plan?"

"It's not a good one but I think it'll work," I mumble as I start the car and we head back to the apartment.

"Are you going to go to Shaw?" She asks me. "You think that he'll give you the money?"

"I'm not sure. I have to try though. If I absolutely have to, I'll just take the money out of my account and just figure out what I'll tell my parents later."

"How do you think that he'll react when you tell him?" She asks me curiously.

"I don't know. I don't think that he'll really care that much, he'll just give me as much as he can just to get me out of his hair and then I'll go and that'll be that," I say with a small shrug.

"Really? You don't think that he'll be at least a little bit concerned?" She wonders. "I know that you two had that dramatic argument over basically nothing but I think that you like each other more than you're letting on."

"He was bad for me. Obviously, look at where it's gotten me," I remind her. "I'm done making bad decisions, I'm going to get my life back on track. I can't let Clay just ruin everything for me, you know? He shouldn't have that power. I'm getting my shit together."

"Alright," She gives up. "You just do what feels right."

"I will do my best," I sigh.

I still have classes to go to and as I sit through those two classes, I'm starting to second guess going to Shaw about this. I really don't want to tell him that he got me pregnant. I don't know what else to do though. Tell my parents that I decided to buy something for $800 just out of the blue? And then what would I do when they ask to see this expensive thing that I don't actually have?

Clayton won't help because it's not his baby and Jesse won't help because why would he? I don't want to tell him and it's also not his problem so I can't imagine that he'd be much help either. My sister could help but she's against abortion like our parents so if I told her that I was planning on aborting this fetus, she'd just tell our parents. And that's the last thing that I want.

It'll be a quick conversation with Shaw. I'll tell him that I'm getting an abortion, ask him for some money, and then I'll be on my way. If I need to, I'll offer to pay him back. If I just get the money out of the bank in twenty dollar increments every monday or something like that, I can pay him back.

If he opposes to that, maybe I'll remind him that this one lump sum payment for an abortion is insanely cheaper than eighteen years of child support.

I'm still dreading his reaction when I tell him that I'm pregnant with his baby. I'm not sure if he will get angry or sad. He might be pro-life like my family and be totally against me getting an abortion.

No matter what though, I have to try because I'm not seeing many other options here.

I have to wait until after his fights but when it's time to go, I grab my bag and head out of the apartment. I'm wearing a pair of leggings and a hoodie with sneakers, not really caring about how I look. My messy bun of hair really finishes off the suffering look that I'm pulling off right now.

I drive to his apartment building and park on the curb before heading inside. I knock on the door just in case he's back yet but there's no answer. I decide to just sit down in the hallway while I wait for him to get back and hope that he doesn't take all night.

I amuse myself with my phone for a while until I hear footsteps coming up the stairs to the left of me and when I look over, I see Shaw emerging into the hallway. I'm suddenly regretting this decision. I should have just sold a kidney or something.

He doesn't see me sitting there because his face is suctioned to another person's as they exit the staircase. He pushes the girl against the wall of the hallway as they are making out, his hands on her butt and her fingers start unbuttoning his pants. I guess he's had a good night.

I hoist myself up so that I'm standing and then awkwardly clear my throat to get their attention. They both snap their heads toward me, breaking their kiss but they don't step away from each other.

"What are you doing here?" Shaw asks me, now out of breath and he slowly starts to inch away from the girl but she continues to drape herself over him, glaring at me.

"We need to talk," I am regretting this more and more with every passing second. I thought that I was done with the bad decisions but this one is pretty awful.

"I'm busy right now," He informs me, motioning to the girl. "Call me tomorrow."

"It's important," I insist.

He opens the door to his apartment and the girl starts to walk in as he follows. "We'll talk tomorrow," Shaw tells me again.

He's about to shut the door in my face so I impulsively just blurt out, "Alright, just wanted to let you know that you gave me gonorrhea," I say quickly and loudly just before the door shuts all of the way.

"What?!" I hear the girl shriek, sounding very disgusted. And then just as quickly as the door shut, it's swinging back open and the girl is hurrying down the hallway and disappearing back down the staircase.

Shaw returns to the doorway, leans against the frame, and gives me a hard look. "No, I didn't."

"No, you didn't," I agree with him. "But how busy are you now, hot shot?"

"The fuck do you want, Wren?" He's definitely irritated now. I see that he has a split lip and a black eye, probably from his fight, but he doesn't look too beat up.

With my arms crossed over my chest, I walk passed him and invite myself into the apartment. "Like I said, we have to talk."

"You'll have to be more specific than that," Shaw shuts the door with a bit of an angry slam and then walks farther into the studio apartment. I lean against the wall of the dirty apartment, keeping my distance from Shaw.

"I need some money," I say quickly. "A lot of money. I'll pay you back later but it's important."

"Are you fucking kidding me?" He asks me slowly with raised eyebrows. "You were the one who said that we shouldn't see each other anymore, do you remember that? And now, you're coming over here asking for money? Who the fuck does that?"

"The kind of person who's pregnant," I inform him, getting irritated at how irritated he is at me. So I cock blocked him for one night. He'll get over it, I'm sure. It's not like he doesn't get enough action, he'll be okay without having sex just this one night. "And can't get the money out of the bank for an abortion without her parents finding out."

"You're pregnant."

"Yep."

I give him a moment to let it sink in for him. My fists are clenched nervously in my hoodie as I brace for his reaction. His eyes go wide and his mouth slacks a little bit before he gets it together again and loudly decides, "It's not mine."

"It is," I confirm.

"How do you know?" He questions me. "You've been going insane since before I even met you. And it was so easy to get into your pants, you know. You've probably fucked a lot of people lately so how do you know that it's mine?"

"First of all, fuck you," I begin as I narrow my eyes at him. I know that he's kind of right but he makes it sound like I've had a different guy every night and every morning since my breakup with Clay. I know that I've been going a bit crazy but I've only slept with three guys lately. Not even lately, but in my entire life, it's just been three guys. Not that he has any right to judge me based on who I sleep with or how frequently I sleep with them. "Second of all, I went to the doctor today and the timeline says it's you. Believe it or not, you are the only guy that I slept with three weeks ago. Third of all, fuck you."

"No," He shakes his head at me in denial. "No fucking way."

"Trust me, I'm not thrilled about it either," I assure him. "But fine. Alright, if I don't get the money for an abortion now then it'll just pop out in nine months, we'll get a DNA test and instead of just giving me the $800 now, you can pay child support for eighteen years."

I start to leave the apartment but he beats me to the door and holds it shut so that I can't leave.

"Wait. You need 800?" He asks me in a quieter, calmer voice.

"Yes. I'll pay you back, I just can't get it all out at once," I explain to him, relieved that he's calming down now. I know that it's a lot to process.

"How sure are you about this?"

"One hundred percent," I answer him quickly. "I've thought about it a lot. And especially since you're the father, I think that I'm doing the world a favor by not replicating your DNA. So do you have it or not?"

"Yeah, just give me a second," He mutters as he walks away from the door and toward his mattress. "When are you doing it?"

"As soon as possible."

"Do you have somebody to go with you?" He continues asking me questions as he digs under his mattress for what I assume is a stack of cash. That's a brilliant place to hide his money—note the dripping sarcasm.

"Don't worry about it," I stay near the door so that I can get out of here as soon as possible. Not really because I want to get away from him but because the longer I'm in this room with him, the more I realize how much I miss him. I know that he can be a jerk sometimes but there are some off beats where he can be really sweet. He's beautiful too, and always an adventure.

I need to snap out of that though, and get out of here because he's a bad decision for me. The fetus growing inside of me is proof of that.

"Wren," He says my name very smoothly. I can't fall into this trap again. I have to be stronger than that. "This is my problem too. I should be there with you when it happens."

"Bella is going with me," I assure him. "It's just the Boise Health Center, it's like a ten minute drive from here."

He pulls out a stack of cash and counts it up before handing it over to me. "I have 650 right now but I can get more next week."

"I can get the rest, don't worry about it," I take the money and stuff it into my purse for safekeeping. "Thanks."

"Let me know if you need anything," Shaw offers me.

I offer him a humorless half-smile and say, "I think you've done enough. I'll let you know when it's done. Sorry that I ruined your night."

Before he can say anything else, I hurry out of the apartment to get away from him and all of my bad decisions.