"Are you going to Portland this weekend?" Jesse asks me randomly on Wednesday as I'm cooking dinner for myself.

"Yeah," I confirm without giving him any other explanation because it's really none of his business. Lately, I've been doing pretty well with ignoring my brother around the apartment. I don't know if that's because he's been spending most of his time with Clayton or if we've just found a groove where we don't have to see each other very often.

"Why?" He continues to ask me questions as he joins me in the kitchen. I'm making chicken with a pesto sauce and fried tomatoes. It's a new pesto recipe that I've been excited to try but I've been so bogged down with the pregnancy and my classes lately to make it happen. My classes have hit a lull now, and I can't do anything about the pregnancy until this weekend so it's a great time to try and cheer myself up with some fancy pesto.

"Why not?" I question him back. "I want to see Brianna's new dog, you know that they just adopted that boxerman from the pound and I've seen pictures. He's really cute."

He leans against the counter and gives me a curious look. "You're not a very good liar, you know."

"Makes one of us," I mumble while I flip over the chicken in the pan.

"Wren," He says my name, sounding very exasperated. Like me being angry at him is just so inconvenient to him that I'm still upset. "I'm really trying to make things better. I've stopped bringing Clay over, I've given you space, you can tell that I'm trying, right?"

"Too little too late, Jess."

"I know this isn't going to justify the way we've treated you, but we are terrified of getting outed," Jesse says to me, his voice wavering and I know he's going to start crying soon. "People are murdered for being gay. Matthew Shepard, Jason Gage, Paul Broussard, Charlie Howard-"

"I get it, Jesse," I interrupt him. 

"There are a million different ways that we should have handled the situation better, I know that," He tells me. "And you're right that we've been cowards. I'm trying my best and I know that it doesn't look like it to you, but I swear to god I am. I never wanted to hurt you."

I don't know how to respond to that, because I do know that there's a serious danger to Jesse and Clay if they get outed before they're ready. But that can't excuse how much they've disregarded my feelings. I can't imagine what it must feel like to be in their shoes, and maybe if they would have talked to me earlier, I could have been more understanding but now, I feel like so much damage has already been done.

"Can you please tell me what's going on?" Jesse sounds pleading now, his eyes large and watery. Like he's pleading for me to let him in, to be his sister again despite the fact that he hasn't acted like my brother in so long.

It's been killing me not to tell him about the baby because although it has been over a month now since I found out about him and Clay, I'm still so used to having him around. Before last month, we were so close that I'd tell him everything that was going on in my life. And this is a huge thing that is happening that I'm not telling him about.

Maybe if I wasn't terminating the pregnancy, I would tell him about it because he'd obviously find out eventually. The fact is that we aren't close anymore and I don't want to share this big thing that is happening to me. I'm not going to let him into my life on that level anymore. It's sort of a punishment for him, I guess, but I'm also realizing that it's punishing me too because it absolutely sucks not to be able to tell him things.

"Nothing's going on," I assure him again. I might not sound convincing but I don't care if he believes me or not. He'll eventually realize that I won't tell him no matter how much he tries to figure it out. "Just want to see the new dog."

"You haven't really gotten along with Brianna since the anniversary party so I know that you wouldn't go visit her unless something was happening," He explains his thought process to me. "But fine, if you're just going to see the new dog then I'll go with you."

"No."

"Why not?"

"What makes you think that I want to spend six hours in a car with you?" I turn away from the stove to give him a glaring look. "Even if we decide to fly there, I wouldn't even be able to stand to sit by you for an hour that it takes to fly. If I'm going away for the weekend, what on earth makes you think that I want to spend it with you?"

"Wren-"

"You ruined my life," I inform him loudly, but even as I'm saying those words I know that they aren't true. He hasn't ruined my life, he's just ruined this semester or maybe this year for me but it's definitely not my entire life. He actually hasn't ruined anything, I've done all of the ruining myself. I'm not in this mess because Jesse decided to sleep with Clay, I'm pregnant because of how badly I reacted to it. I still blame him a lot for this but I know that I have to take a lot of responsibility for where I am right now.

"I'm sorry," He tells me. "Wren, I've apologized like, a thousand times now. I'm sorry for what happened. I wish that I could go back and change how this all went down but I can't. I mean, we used to tell each other everything and now, we barely even talk at all. I want to go back to how things were."

"If we told each other everything, we wouldn't be in this mess in the first place," I remind him, returning to the stove to make sure that my chicken isn't drying out. 

"I know," Jesse sighs and he stays in the kitchen. I wish that he'd just get out and leave me alone so that I can actually enjoy making my dinner. Cooking is the one thing that I really enjoy right now and he's totally ruining it for me. "I should have just been honest with you from the beginning. I fucked up."

"That's an understatement."

For a long time, he doesn't say anything. I'm waiting for him to back to his room or go cry to Clay that I'm being so stubborn, but he doesn't move and eventually, he says, "I'm going to end things with him." His voice is quiet and chokes up two separate times while trying to get the words out. 

He sounds devastated by this revelation and I almost ask him why he's making this decision when he clearly doesn't want to. Instead, I just say, "It won't help anything. I don't care if you're with him or not."

"It's not just about that. I don't like who I've become with him," He says. "We've become the worst versions of ourselves just to be together and at some point, it has to stop being worth it, right?"

I hate to admit it, but I can relate to Jesse. I became the worst version of myself when I was with Clay too. "He said you were going to break up with him because I wouldn't forgive you," I tell him. "Guess he was right."

"He said that? When?"

I nod. "He came over last week while you were in class. Crying about how he coerced you into the whole thing and it's all his fault."

"I wasn't coerced," He says, crossing his arms over his chest as he leans against the counter. "He said he was going to talk to you and I told him not to. I mean, yeah I tried to get him to come clean and I'm upset that he never listened to me, but that's between me and him. I still stayed with him though, I was still a shitty person. It's not all on him."

"I know that." I turn off the stove and start plating my dinner. "But I know how persuasive he can be. Breaking up with him is going to be useless."

"What do you mean?"

I really hate that I'm about to give relationship advice to my brother about dating my ex-boyfriend, but that's just where I'm at in life right now. "If you're still under Mom and Dad's thumb, in this area, you're going to have to lie about who you are. With or without Clay in the picture. You should just pick up and take him to San Francisco or Chicago or someplace where you can just be together without all the deception."

"So you... want us to stay together?"

"I don't give a rat's ass, Jesse. I'm just saying that cutting him out isn't going to solve anything."

He doesn't know how to respond to this, chewing pensively at his lip while I eat my chicken.

"Tell me how it started," I blurt out when the curiosity gets the better of me.

"How it started?"

"You and Clay," I elaborate. "It was Jenny Richardson's graduation party I know, but how?"

"Why do you want to know?"

I don't give him an explanation, I just go to grab my plate and head for my room because if he's not going to give me the answer that I asked for, I'll end this conversation.

Ever since Clay told me they hooked up at that party, I've been replaying it over and over in my head. Bella was flirting with Jenny's older brother and everybody was celebrating big time. I was eager for the end of high school, to get some breathing room away from my parents.

"We were really drunk," He answers before I've even taken two steps. "You went off with Bella somewhere and Clay and I were in the kitchen playing a drinking game with some of the guys. Um, I spilled some beer on my shirt, so Clay went upstairs with me to help me get it out and then one thing led to another."

I remember going with Bella to dance in the backyard when Clay and Jesse had started playing beer pong. In the morning, I woke up with Bella in my room because she'd spent the night but I didn't talk to Clay or Jesse at all that day because we were all so hungover. Bella and I just watched movies in bed all day. After an entire month of reliving those couple of days, I can never recall either one of them acting strange. It absolutely baffles me how he could go through something like this without giving off a vibe that something had changed.

As far as I can remember, nothing changed for Clay either. The sex stayed the same, our conversations were still comfortable, we still spent a lot of time together. He's a much better actor than I ever gave him credit for. That, or maybe I was just so dense that I didn't notice the change.

"We didn't talk about it for months after that," Jesse continues. "But then we were left alone together in the apartment. You had to go to the store to buy something for dinner, I think, and I... I couldn't help it."

That clicks a little bit more for me. I do remember that day, I realized that I was out of garlic to cook Clayton's favorite shrimp dish so I had left him in the apartment while I ran to the store. When I got back, Clayton was acting weird. After dinner, he would barely touch me and I don't even mean sexually. I mean that he wouldn't even hug me or kiss me. He could barely even look at me. When I asked him what was wrong, he had told me that he was just tired and not feeling well.

I believed him because I didn't think that he would ever lie to me. I didn't think that the reason he wouldn't kiss me was because just minutes before, he had his tongue down my brother's throat. 

"You still didn't tell me though," I remind him slowly.

"Wren, I was so afraid of hurting you," He says quickly. "We both were. Not only that, but we were afraid of how you would react. I should have known that you wouldn't out me, I know that I should have known that you would understand."

"I would have," I agree. "I would have been so supportive. I mean, I would have been hurt because I loved Clayton but I would have been okay with it if you had told me when it first started happening. I would have pretended to date him so that he could hang out here without people getting suspicious and I could cover for you with Mom and Dad. I would have been the best wingman for you two."

"I know," He sighs and then his jaw starts clenching. "I know that now. For the next eighteen months, I was caught in this cycle of insisting he break up with you, he wouldn't, I'd walk away. I'd hook up with other guys and go on dates with girls, but I always came back. I should have forced him to end things. I should have given him an ultimatum. And then after a while, I started getting numb to it. All the lying and cheating felt so normal that it didn't even feel that bad anymore. It sounds fucked up, I know that. And it is fucked up that it was normal for us to be betraying you and lying to you all of that time. But that's it. That's the whole story. Does it help at all?"

"There's a lot of 'should haves' in your story," I realize out loud. "You should have told me, should have made him break up with me, should have, should have. I guess things are clearer now, that we've been through this mess. I should have stood up for myself more. I should have had more confidence in myself, to know that I deserved better than Clay all of this time. I shouldn't have let him get to me all of those years. I should have bitten off his dick when I had the chance."

"It's easy to say that you should have done something," Jesse tells me. "But it's harder to know what the right thing to do is when it's happening, and then to have the guts to do it."

"I shouldn't have slept with Shaw just to feel pretty again," I mumble as I stare down at my barely touched dinner that I don't really have the stomach for anymore. "But you're right, it's hard to know what the right thing to do is when it's happening. I'm so fucking tired of the 'should haves'."

"Me too."

"I'm done making stupid mistakes because I have so many regrets right now that I'm going to lose my mind. I'm doing things right the first time, starting now," I inform him.

"What kind of regrets do you have?" He asks me curiously. "You know that none of this was your fault, right? You can't blame yourself for what's happened with me and Clay."

"I don't blame myself for that," I assure him. "I was a really good girlfriend to Clayton, I know that it's not my fault that he never loved me. I regret how I dealt with it."

"What's going on, Wren?" He asks me, coming back to that topic.

I guess our little conversation here has softened me up because I kind of want to tell him now. I also don't, just to spite him for never telling me that he's gay until I found out on my own. 

"Wren, you can tell me anything," He assures me in an attempt to get me to tell him why I'm acting weird. "You know that I'm here for you, always. Things have been completely fucked lately but I'm always here."

"It's not Clayton's," I hear myself saying. I guess that if I'm really going to tell him this, I don't want him to start panicking, thinking that his boyfriend is going to be both an uncle and a father to the same child.

"What?" He looks at me in confusion.

I take a deep breath and look up at the ceiling so that I don't have to face him when I say this. "I'm pregnant, Jess."