After Jesse finds out that I'm pregnant, things start getting weird.

For a while, we'd just stayed out of each other's way but now, he's trying to be helpful. He offers to buy groceries that I'd usually buy on my own and he's letting me watch TV in the living room even when his favorite shows are on. He asks me how I'm doing all of the time and he just seems to be really worried about my well being. I don't know if he feels guilty or not for the part that he played in making me lose my mind or if he's so concerned because I'm his sister. Either way, it's weird.

I know that it sounds terrible to say, but by the time that Friday rolls around and it's time to go to Portland, I'm kind of excited. Not necessarily to get the abortion but I'm just excited to get away from Jesse hovering over me for the past few days. The trip will probably be a bit awkward, considering Shaw insists that he go with me and we haven't really spoken that much lately.

We talk about the fetus and this trip to Portland but that's it. We used to have the best conversations with each other but when we got in that argument about what we're doing with our lives, things haven't really been comfortable. We're only talking now because of this fetus growing inside of me. I think that he's being really sweet about it though, offering to go with me for the procedure and making sure that I'm not going through this alone.

Granted, even without him, I wouldn't be going through it alone because Bella has been completely awesome and if I asked her to, she'd go to Portland with me too.

The plan is that we'll get to Portland tonight and then I have an appointment at the Planned Parenthood there tomorrow for the procedure. We will stay until Sunday and then we'll be back for my Monday classes.

Like nothing ever happened.

Shaw is meeting me in my apartment and then Jesse is going to drive us to the airport. I was going to ask Bella to do it but when Jesse heard that we needed a ride, he insisted that he drive us because he just absolutely has to feel helpful, I guess.

Even though we're not really together anymore, I still want to look presentable when I'm with Shaw so I check my outfit in the mirror of my room to make sure that I look alright. I'm just wearing jeans, comfy boots, and a long sleeve t-shirt with my hair down and straightened. I have an overnight bag that includes some clothes and my electronics.

I'm ready to go.

Brianna knows that we're coming but she doesn't know why. I just told her that I needed a weekend away from school and she was eager for me to visit. It'll be weird, having to introduce her to Shaw but I'm hoping that he'll be able to manage the situation. I know that he can be an asshole sometimes but I think that if he wants to, he has the capability of being a nice, decent person.

That's what I'm hoping for, anyway.

"Are you ready to go, Wren?" Jesse asks me from the living room. "Shaw is here."

"Yeah, I'm coming," I grab my bag and open my bedroom door. Jesse and Shaw are standing near the front door. They still don't like each other and it shows in the tension on their faces. "Alright. Let's do this."

We all go down to the car and I sit in the backseat with Shaw. The plane tickets were kind of expensive but I was able to pay for them with my credit card since I can tell my parents that I was just going to visit Brianna. I'll have to explain to them why I'm hanging out with a boy with so many tattoos (they definitely wouldn't approve) but that's nothing compared to how uncomfortable it would be if I had to tell them that the boy with so many tattoos got me pregnant.

"Call me when it's done, so that I know that you're okay," Jesse says to me in the car, breaking the uncomfortable silence that had formed.

"Yeah, Jess. Sure."

"What did you tell Brie? About why you were coming to Portland?" He asks me.

"Just that I wanted to visit. I told her that I was bringing a friend so hopefully, she doesn't give me a hard time about that friend being Shaw," I inform my brother. 

"Why would she give you a hard time?" Shaw asks curiously. "I'm very charming."

"She's not going to like your tattoos," I tell him. "And she overheard me talking about you last time I was home. I'm going to try and convince her that we're just friends, but I don't know if she'll believe it."

"This is the same sister that confronted you in front of your entire family? I'm not her biggest fan either."

I remember that I used to like him getting all protective of me but now that we're not together, and we're not really even friends, I don't want him to think that it's his responsibility to stand up for me or worry about my problems. He's only here because his DNA is inside of me but once that's gone, we're going to go our separate ways, so he doesn't have to worry about this.

"Okay, here we are," Jesse announces as he pulls into the drop off lane in front of the airport doors. "I'll see you in a few days."

"Thanks for the ride," I tell my brother as I get out of the car with Shaw.

"No problem. I love you, Wren," He tells me as I'm shutting the door. Even if I wanted to tell him that I loved him too, I didn't have the chance.

It takes a while to get to the terminal but it helps that we don't have any baggage to check. The security lines are irritating and then I have just enough time to grab some herbal tea from the Starbucks in the airport before it's time to board the plane.

Once we've found our seats, we sit down and buckle up. I'm not exactly sure what we're going to talk about during this short flight but I'm definitely not looking forward to it. I'm not even sure what we talked about before, when we actually got along. I just remember talking about his fighting, going to the fights, and having great sex. We talked about my problems a lot and sometimes, his dysfunctional family. Other than that, what did we ever talk about?

"Are you nervous?" Shaw asks me curiously while we wait for the plane to fill up.

"A little bit," I admit to him.

"Are you having any second thoughts?"

"No," I answer easily. "I know that this is what I want, that's not what I'm nervous about. I'm nervous about the pain, and the people judging me. I already know that I fucked up, I don't need everybody else knowing it too."

"Nobody else is going to know why you're there." He makes a good point. "And don't they give you medicine for the pain?"

"I guess. What I read, it said that it depends, so I don't know," I shrug at him and that silences him for a while.

"I'm sorry that this happened, Wren," Shaw blurts out randomly just as the plane starts to take off. "After everything that you've been through lately, I know that this is the last thing you need."

"You don't have to be sorry, it's not completely your fault."

"It is," He insists. "You were obviously not in a good place and I shouldn't have taken advantage of that. I took advantage of you."

"No, you didn't."

"I did," He disagrees. "You were probably drunk that night too and I just didn't care. I could tell that you were going to be easy to sleep with so I made a move even though I knew that you weren't in the right state of mind."

"I wasn't drunk," I assure him. "And yeah, I was having an emotional meltdown but that doesn't make you responsible for my actions. Even though I was breaking down, I'm still responsible for myself. You didn't force yourself on me, you didn't make me do anything that I didn't want to do. You're overreacting."

"I just feel gross about this whole thing," Shaw admits to me.

"I do too," I say to him. "But we'll survive it. I don't regret that night, so you shouldn't feel bad about it."

"Really. You don't regret it?" He looks very skeptical about that declaration.

"Really," I look up into his eyes so that he knows that I'm not lying to him just so that he'll feel better. "Before I went to that party, I felt like shit about myself. All that I could see when I looked in the mirror were my flaws. Bella tried to help but it didn't work that much. I just felt like shit. And yeah, that's why I was so easy to sleep with but I'm glad that I did it because it made me feel wanted. Which I hadn't felt in a while. And I felt like more of a person, and more beautiful, than I've felt in a long time. I forgot what it was like to even feel good about myself. I wouldn't give that up for anything."

"Having sex with some douche bag off the street isn't the only way to feel good about yourself," He tells me slowly.

"Why are you getting so emotional right now?" I ask him with a stifled laugh. "Aren't I supposed to be the hormonal one?"

"Just trying to be a good person."

"How's that working out for you?"

"Well, you're making fun of me, so not good," He responds.

"I think that it's a good effort though," I say with a smile emerging on my lips. "Maybe fathering a fetus has matured you."

"Oh God, could you even imagine how terrible I would be at being a dad?" It makes Shaw laugh just thinking about him becoming a father.

"Like I'd be any better at being a mom," I snort. "We're awful role models. But I think that if you had to, you could step up to the plate and be a really good dad. We'd learn together, I think, at how to fuck up our child the least amount."

"Who would change the diapers?" He wonders.

"Both of us. You don't really think that I'd let you make me do all of the diaper changes, do you?" I ask him with a curious look. "No, that's a team effort there."

"I can't even imagine what it'd be like," Shaw mutters. "Holding a baby and knowing that it belongs to me, like I made a human."

"Well, I'd be doing all of the human-making," I say to him. "You fertilize and then I make it, that's how that works."

"You know what I mean," He shakes off my sarcasm. "Just the thought of having a baby, it completely freaks me out."

"I think that it freaks out most twenty-year-olds," I add. "That's why we're not actually having a baby, because we're not ready. We could do it if we really had to but it'd mess everything up for both of us."

"I don't really have much going for me anyway. You said that yourself," Shaw reminds me. He probably shouldn't bring up that fight that we had because it really got out of control fast and right now, we don't have anywhere else to go if we do start to argue.

"Yeah, I think that we've both said a lot of shitty things to each other," I tell him. "And I think that it was all pretty much true, on both sides. It was all just said the wrong way and for the wrong reasons. We're not good together."

"Maybe you're right," He mumbles. "We both really need to get our shit together."

"I think that when we get back home, we could work on that," He suggests. "To get our shit together."

"I'm already getting it together."

"Really, you're changing your major?" He looks surprised.

"No. I'm getting this thing out of me and then I'm going back to work, I'm going to stop acting crazy just because of what happened with Clay," I explain to him. "I think it'll be easier at the end of the semester when I get a new apartment, but I'm working on it."

"So you're just going back to normal," Shaw says. "That's not what I meant."

"What are your plans for when we get back then?" I ask him curiously.

"I don't know. Maybe I'll get a real job or something. I've taken so many classes for students that I practically have a degree, so I'll just put that on my resume and I don't think companies would fact check it. I don't know what I would go into though."

"Are you being serious?"

"Yes, I'm being serious, Wren," He confirms with a small laugh. "We're going through all of this trouble, you're getting an abortion, so that we can live our lives. I feel like it'd all just be wasted if we went back and wasted the lives that we just scrambled to save. This all can't just be for no reason."

"So just like that, you're going to get your life together?" I'm still skeptical but he looks completely sure of himself.

"Well, I'm going to try," He claims with a shrug. "And I think that you should too. I think that you should stop studying pre-law and go do something that you actually want to do. This is what you'll be doing for the rest of your life, you know. You really want to be miserable going to work every day until you're sixty?"

"I'm not miserable," I object. "I don't hate every part of studying law, there are some parts that I like."

"You're making excuses now," Shaw says. "I get that you're parents are scary but I've been in the same spot as you are so I really get how scary it is. But you can't live your life being afraid of your parents, doing whatever they want you to do. This is your life and it's stupid that you're letting them control it for you. So I say that you tell them where to shove it and we do this together. I mean... I don't mean together. I just mean that we'll be in it together, as friends."

"Let's tackle one mission at a time," I suggest because I don't know how to answer his proposition. He made it sound so enticing to go on this adventure with him, blowing off our parents and finding out what we really want to do with our lives. I'm not sure that I'd have the guts to actually go through with that though, so I don't want to get his hopes up. "We need to get me un-pregnant before anything."

"Yeah, okay," He relents but I'm sure that he can tell that I'm only stalling the conversation because I won't go through with his very optimistic plan. I'm glad that this experience has inspired Shaw to get a legitimate job instead of remaining a street fighter and petty thief forever.

I don't think that it had the same effect on me though. I'm not inspired to do what I love, I'm just tired and sad all of the time. I'm not trying to have any life changing revelations, I'm just trying to make it through each day as it comes. And even that, right now, is seeming nearly impossible for me.