A lore piece for a story of mine. It was supposed to be the first I wrote, but I have big plans for this one and need to polish my writing skills more before I attempt it. It is based on the same character as my poem 'A Confession for God...'.

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I remember the gentle flow of the creek by the cliffs; the befuddling paths of the forest and the chirrups of the birds; the growls of the predators and the muffled breath of the preys.

I remember the cave: dwelling to the wise; sanctuary to the lost; and an ambition of the brave. I can still feel the ivy curtains that hung on the entrance, the chiming of the bells and soothing hymns uttered in languages long-lost to time. I can smell the tantalizing aroma of the stew made from fruits freshly plucked from the millennium old trees.

The laughter of the children and the revelry of the dryads and the gossip of the druids that still ring in my ears. The boisterous marketplaces where one could find wands of the wizards and robes of the witches, sweet paradises to savoury treats, basics of living to the most elaborate luxuries imaginable, books for the fools and books for the wise, games so real that you wondered if you were still truly there, movies so entrancing you would never truly forget them, and most of all, a community so diverse that you could not possibly explore or explain it in mere words (for to do so would not only undermine their true beauty but also gloss over so many important details that can only truly be felt by being there).

I remember the schools in which youth was taught not by men but by nature herself; the home where the goddess did dwell and the arena where the best of Warriors did fight....

The clashing of swords and the banging of shields, and the sounds of flesh hitting the flesh. It is almost ridiculous how well this violence manages to blend into a background of such serenity.

Serenity, such a beautifully deep word... but not truly deep enough to describe here.

How can you truly describe this myriad of colours and sounds and feelings in just one word?

These pictures that the fire elves burn into the night sky ; the riches the fairy dust offers; the melodious racket of the bugs; and the murmurs of the Dark Shadows; the stories of death and defeat whispered by the white women; and songs of life and love sung by dark winged angels.

The creepy chattering's of the chained demons slithering around maybe plotting something sinister or perhaps just having a friendly chat.

These wild lands with the promise of adventure and the meadows giving assurance of a peaceful existence.

How can you describe this as serene?

The unheard mysteries that this universe whispers through its unheard songs are not serene: for they speak of cruelty just as they speak of love; of superiority just as they preach equality; and of battles just as they sing of temples.

No, serene is definitely the wrong word to describe this; and yet every time I think of it, serenity is all I can feel.

There is a strange soothing in the Chaos that goes on here: the beautiful tale of man and nature; animals and intelligence; civilizations and extinctions.

"They say that good things never die, they merely pass on to a higher, better place", and if this is not the higher, better place mentioned then I doubt anything else can be.

Where else would you find the priest blessing the blood stained warrior, the educated respecting the illiterate, experience understanding youth and youth listening to experience, not because they have to, but because they know and appreciate their true value.

Maybe this is what enchants me about here .... or maybe I'm just lying to myself .... for deep within , I know the reason I came to love and not just respect this place is you.

I remember running in the grasslands and galloping on through the valleys. I can still recall the strong yet silent steeds and the lightning fast winged beasts and the dragons and the drakons and the sirens and the mermen and the elves and the nymphs and the spirits, but most of all, I can remember you.

I remember leaving behind everything just to listen to your melodies, spying on from hidden perches on the tallest trees for I couldn't imagine you stopping to come there because of me.

I remember seeing you and your friends making merry and wondering if I would ever have the courage to be that bold.

I remember you standing up for what was right even when no one else wanted to.

I remember you noticing me for the first time . . . . looking into your eyes was just like looking into the Cosmos . . . . so alive and yet forever shrouded in mystery.

I remember you telling me that I was a mystery even though you were evidently the same, for no matter how cheerfully you conversed with people I could see that your soul sought after a higher, deeper meaning.

But to me, you seemed like that deeper meaning.

For the tales that your songs told me reached out to me in ways I never thought possible ... replacing my symphonies of silence with the blazing waltz instead.

I remember the first words we exchanged... so polite ... so guarded and yet so aware of our search for the truth.

I can still feel the tranquillity that you seem to exude.

I remember your smile... so charming... so beautiful... so divine.

I can still recall how you pulled me along to the gatherings I didn't want to attend... you taught me to understand and handle my emotions. Happiness, sadness, amusement... it's like I only truly started accepting them once I met you.

I remember the feel of your hand on mine, and the mischief in your eyes; I remember your gentle smiles and playful teasing; I remember your animal skin robes and unsophisticated nature; Your uncouth and yet graceful behaviour. I remember seeing you meditate in the most isolated corner of the woods... it was almost like you existed on a higher plane, somewhere I could only hope to reach.

You are the one who gave purpose to my existence. You were like a beacon of hope and light in the dark prison of my mind. You taught me to read social cues and carry myself confidently in public.

Why did you do that?

Why did you help me learn the art of masking my emotions even better? Even though I was already a master at it?

I can't tell anyone about emotional Chaos within without feeling like I'm betraying all that you ever taught me. I don't wish to burden anyone with my problems, and yet there are days when I just want to break down... Destroy .... annihilate all that gets in my way and that let loose the rage within. Those days when the shallow water of peace are not anywhere near enough to drown the desire to raze the world to oblivion....

Why did you teach me to feel and then just abandon me?

You made me everything I am today and yet all I feel is a void within, seeking you... I hope not to ever be your equal, I doubt I ever will. All I seek is to be with you.

Is it really so unreasonable to seek solace in the realisation that there's someone out there who cares, not because of what I can do or achieve, but simply for me, for my soul... and not my mind or my body.

I can live without ever meeting you again for you forever live in my heart, your memories are enough for me and yet you are robbing me of those too.

Every day I remember something new, learn something new and yet everyday I forget something about you. It's like every step I take trying to reach you leads me away from you.

I can now only remember your smile but not your eyes, your form but not your graceful steps as you danced to the tune of the universe herself... or perhaps you were the universe and I was too blinded by physical forms to realise that.

Maybe your physical form was a mere illusion; maybe I never knew the real you... but I want to.

I can no longer imagine my existence, without you being a part of it. I now know that the body I had come to revere could in no way possibly describe you and that this place I'm stuck in is probably just a test... a challenge I have to clear before returning to you, the real you, a formless, nameless existence I can now seem to feel all around me.

And yet there are days when I just want to let it all go, forget you ever existed, forget I had ever been there and just live here... in the moment... giving myself up to material pleasures, to oblivion.

But I always seem to return to you. For no book or sport or relationship can ever live up to you.

I can't let go of you... because despite me forgetting more about you with each passing second, I keep learning more about you every day.

That's perhaps what keeps me going. The realisation that I'm getting to know you better. To let go of old memories for new ones seems like a great exchange, but it isn't. Not when you are not here, beside me, talking, laughing, singing and dancing. Some days, it feels like you're right beside me whispering something that I just can't seem to decipher and on other it feels like you've forgotten I exist. I know, I know, so much for believing in you... For trusting that you would never abandon me. I know I should look forward to all this could turn into; the various scenarios that flash in my mind are just as beautiful as our past if not more.

And yet I can't let go of what we have had: those days, that place, I have to see it again, I have to... no, need to be there again and get some proof that I haven't gone crazy, that you were not just a figment of my imagination.

I need to give some validation to this obsession, for though I understand that I need to believe in you, I can't help but question if I'm not just a narcissist chasing after something that makes me feel superior.... like everyone I ever told about you tells me I am.

Am I?

Yes, being with you is a special and unique feeling that can only truly be understood by those who have been with you. I would never trade what we have for anything in the world. And yet the world keeps pulling me back, the responsibilities and darkness and envy and anger of all around me just seem to seep within me, making me forget you, forget me, forget everything but the Chaos of this world around me, and the darkness that surrounds it even though it is cloaked as light.

Isn't it amazing how darkness is always associated with evil...

It's hilarious really; that I associate the dark night's peace and tranquillity with you and yet haven't stopped using the term darkness for the more desolate parts of life. Perhaps I have yet to truly understand what you stand for to me or perhaps my vocabulary is merely insufficient to convey my true feelings without repetition of words and ideas.

Ha.... Either way, I am tired of everyone around me trying to control me, tell me what I should do, how I should behave; that I should marry because a women's true place is at her husband's feet or that a woman without a child is incomplete.

That's why I left; I was tired of it all. I needed this. I needed to be alone to sort out my feelings, to think about you, to think about me, to think about us.

I don't need anyone as long as I have you. One day I'll find you or at least find me....

It's close to 2 years now since I left. The first year was mostly spent shedding off the shadows of this life and only in the past few months have I truly come to the realisation that perhaps you were not the goal I was supposed to strive for, my goal was never you.... it was to become worthy of being with you.

I have come to realise that beating myself up about not being worthy of you isn't going to help me, I can't live without you and I refuse to try.

You are my memory frozen in the icy shackles of time and if the melting of the ice signifies your departure, then I will not hesitate to bring forth an eternal winter on the world.

You are my world, and even though I know that the needs of others deserve more consideration than my own I shall never let anyone come in the way of our relationship.

I have given up a lot as it is, I gave up on my research because the senior resident needed, or rather wanted it, I gave up on my dreams so as to not inconvenience others. I've never really sought anything for myself that would compromise the desires of others, but with you, I won't compromise, I refuse to compromise. Let me be selfish this one time, for you, just for you.

I left the world for you, I left myself for you, I left all my desires for you, and there exists nothing that I wouldn't give up for you... no, this is no blind psychopathic obsession. I know you, indifferent as you may seem, you are just like me. You strive for what you want but would never hurt others unless they are on the wrong side, and even when you punish evil, you show mercy to those who deserve it. I've never had any qualms about devoting myself to you because I know that you would never subjugate me, only set me free from all the shackles that bind me. I know that I have no rights to be a judge of character and to decide who is evil and who isn't, but I have long chosen to believe in you. Believe in your judgement.

I spent so long wishing to be with you that there's no way back. I have spent so long thinking about you that parts of you now exist within me.

I have chosen to believe that you are not wrong. I have chosen to believe that this is not just a sick game the universe is playing on me, that my mind isn't the victim of some crazy experiment. Because every time I think of you... heavens, I can't even describe my thoughts and emotions in words anymore, not when it comes to you.

I lost myself to you, only to discover that I found myself with you, in you... better and brighter than I could ever hope to be. So no matter where I am, or what I become, I am never letting go.

You made me who I am, you define me and I never intend to change this definition.

I am like a fly trapped in Amber. Too lost in the divine taste to care about anything else. I care not if this is a trap, for if the trap is you, then I volunteer to be a tribute.

All I know is that I love you, and I am in too deep... way too deep, to ever hope of getting out.

But then again, calling this love is undermining the sanctity of our
relationship. You are my companion, my spiritual companion, my soul mate and everything beyond...

And that is why it's time for me to return... to go back and face the world while not forgetting all that you stand for to me. It's time to prove that you are not my weakness or a chain that binds me from being all that I can be, but a torch that lights my path ahead.

I had never believed in idolizing someone, for doing so means limiting yourself to what they are, but I can't help but look up to you, to try and be a fraction of who you are, who knows maybe someday I'll even go beyond that.

There is no saying what I am or will be, all I know is that you'll always be a part of me, my anchor to reality even though being with you feels anything but real.

After all, to quote Winston Churchill, "We're all worms, but I do believe I am a glow worm".

Now that I think of it, it sure is laughable that I hate the idea of being dependent on anyone and yet I can't seem to let go of you.
But then again, that's why you are my memory frozen in time, the one I could never let go of, the one I hold on to through tough times and happy times... but all this aside, it's time I went back and did my job, I gave them the means to become what they are and I shall be dammed if I am not the one to destroy them. So promise me, promise me that you'll be there for me.

Hahaha... maybe I have gone crazy after all, talking to you when you are not even here.

But how does that matter, you're mine just as I'm yours, my beloved.... My agape.

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(Written in early 2021)

Note: The word Agape has many meanings, one among them being an open mouth. That is not the one used here. below is the defenition I used copied word for word from the source I used, it can easily be found through a google search.

"Agape, Greek agapē, in the New Testament, the fatherly love of God for humans, as well as the human reciprocal love for God. In Scripture, the transcendent agape love is the highest form of love and is contrasted with eros, or erotic love, and philia, or brotherly love."