Season 5 Episode 19

I got hit in the face with a racecar.

The text notification lit up the phone that was in Penn's lap. She had been peacefully enjoying her day off work and had settled into her living room to watch reruns of New Girl. Evan Buckley, her best of friends, was working an extra shift and had been sporadically sending her updates throughout the day. Last they talked, Buck had mentioned the 118 being sent to one of L.A.'s infamous racetracks. She didn't know the details, but it took one Google search and seeing Buck's ex-girlfriend, Taylor, on the news to find out that a car show went awry. News stations had images of some pretty cool cars, all of which were on fire. Penn chuckled inwardly and thought, never a slow day at the 188.

Upon reading the message, her hand slapped over her mouth. Penn didn't know whether she should laugh or cry. Buck was known for over-exaggerating his near-death experiences (and completely minimizing his actual ones). She shot him a text back.

Of course you would.

She waited for his response, picking absentmindedly at her bottom lip. When Buck's reply came through, Penn felt her heart sink in her chest.

Haha, real nice. But I'm not kidding, we're at the hospital right now.

Without missing a beat, Penn grabbed her purse and keys, cursing as she ran out the door. In the elevator down to the parking lot she found out exactly which hospital Buck was admitted to. Sweat was beginning to form on the back of her neck as her mind cycled through all the worst-case scenarios. She drove like a maniac through the streets of L.A.. The traffic on a good day was enough to make any sane person want to jump off a building, and today was far from good. She got stuck on the on-ramp to the freeway and found herself honking at a poor old woman in a red minivan. Eventually, Penn pulled into the parking lot of the hospital emergency room and hurried inside.

This was not her first rodeo inside this hospital, or any hospital for that matter. Penn headed straight for the receptionist's desk and demanded (as politely as any worried friend could) to know where Buck was. A familiar voice calling her name interrupted their conversation.

"Penelope! Over here." Penn looked around the corner and saw her father, Captain Bobby Nash, along with the other members of the 188. He waved her over and embraced her with open arms.

"Is Buck okay? Is anyone else hurt?" Penn asked. Her fingers had found their way back to her bottom lip.

"Buck is fine, no one else is injured," Bobby replied, his voice even and calming. He nodded his head to Penn's lip. "And stop that." Penn closed her hand in a fist and stuffed it inside the pocket of her sweatpants. She gave her father an embarrassed smile. It didn't matter how long Bobby had been her boss, or how old she got, Bobby would never stop being her parent.

Penn breathed out a sigh of relief. "What the hell happened? I saw on the news there was an explosion?"

"There was a collision at a racetrack that resulted in a pileup. Multiple injuries but thankfully no fatalities," Bobby explained. "Two of the cars flipped and caught fire on top of a fuel line which led to the explosion."

"Oh God," Penn exclaimed. She could only picture the kind of state Buck must be in to land himself in the hospital. "What about Buck then, what happened to him? You said he was okay!"

"Penelope, take a breath." Bobby put a hand on his daughter's shoulder. "The driver in one of the cars got out, but the other was stuck inside his vehicle. Buck was nearby and wanted to go in to rescue but it was too dangerous with the fire being so close to the fuel line. I gave him direct instructions not to go closer, but you know Buck. He was lucky. He managed to get the driver out and get them far enough away. But when the line exploded, a piece of shrapnel hit him in the face, and the impact sent him flying. He's got some road rash on his left shoulder and a gash on his cheek that they're stitching up as we speak. He's going to be fine."

Penn needed a moment to absorb all that Bobby had just told her. Scratch that, she needed about a million moments. She wiped a hand over her mouth and tried to focus on her breathing. The cyclone of worst-case scenarios had turned into a raging wind storm.

"Can I see him?"

Bobby nodded. "Of course." He pointed in the direction of the trauma room Buck must have been in. "The doctor is in there with him now. Are you alright?"

"Yeah," Penn said with a tight-lipped smile. "I'm good. Thanks, Dad."

Bobby gave her shoulder a squeeze. She closed her eyes and prayed for the patience to wait until she was home to strangle the living daylights out of Evan Buckley. She walked into the trauma room and took in the sight of Buck in a hospital gown. A surgical intern was busy stitching up the open gash that spread from Buck's temple down to his chin. Penn could see the white bandages peaking out under the sleeve of his hospital gown. Buck's eyes fell on Penn as she entered the room.

"You came." He sounded surprised. Like he didn't expect her to drop everything and come rushing halfway across downtown Los Angeles just for him.

Penn's lip curled. She stared Buck down with a cold expression before turning to the doctor, ignoring Buck's comment completely. "What's his status?" She asked.

The doctor looked between Penn and Buck with a quizzical look but answered anyway. "Mr. Buckley has first and second-degree road rash covering about a third of his upper arm, and the wound on his face required twelve stitches. But, he should be released and ready to go home in the hour. As long as he keeps both areas clean and dry and applies proper rebandaging, he should be back to normal in the next two weeks. And he'll need to come in ten days to remove the stitches."

"Oh, I'll make sure of that," Penn said with a stale laugh. "Anything else?"

"We gave him a head CT and have been monitoring him but he's in the clear for any potential brain injuries, although I would recommend he not drive home, at least for tonight."

"You got it. Thank you, doctor." Penn smiled sweetly at the doctor as he left the room. The second he was gone, she brought her attention back to Buck.

"Put your clothes on and meet me outside. I'm taking you home," she scowled.

She waited outside the room for Buck to get his things together. A glance around the waiting room told her that the rest of the 118 had gone home. Any trace of anxiety had completely abandoned Penn's body. Anger took its place and her face was getting to be as red as her hair. After a few minutes, Buck walked out into the waiting room. Penn didn't even give him a second look before beelining to the parking lot, leaving Buck to follow her like an injured dog.

Penn refused to say a word the entire drive back to their apartment building. Giving Buck the silent treatment was nothing out of the ordinary, although the circumstances that might bring on an all-out mute war varied over the years. Sometimes it was because he absolutely throttled her at Mario Kart and she refused to talk to him until he let her force him to watch all the High School Musical movies (in one sitting). Other times she would ice him out for months, like during the ones that followed after Buck sued the city. The car ride was beginning to feel more like the latter.

Once they finally pulled into Penn's underground parking spot, the sparks exploded. Penn got out of the car and slammed the door behind her. She marched directly to the elevator. Buck tripped over his own feet to catch up to her. She considered letting the elevator close on his hands, not that it was within her power. If she had any sense of self-preservation, now was the time to use it. Now was the time to hit the third-floor button and let Buck saunter off to his apartment alone. But her first-born-daughter instincts and spite wouldn't let her. Penn practically pushed Buck into his own apartment before dragging him into the bathroom.

Call it Penn being on a paramedic high-horse, or the fact that she knew his bandages had been sitting for a few hours now. Either way, she felt like it was her responsibility to change them. Why? Who knows. Once again, it had to be narcissism or spite, or at least that was what she was telling herself.

She knew exactly where Buck kept his medical supplies. As she pulled the bag out of the bathroom cupboard, Buck took a seat on the edge of his bathtub. Penn took out some antibiotic ointment, a clean washcloth, and new bandages and laid them on the counter. She scrubbed her hands in the sink and took to changing Buck's bandages. She hiked the sleeve of his T-shirt up over his shoulder with more force than she needed. He hissed as she did but she paid him no mind. The bandages from the hospital were put on sloppily, in Penn's opinion and she started muttering about it to herself.

"You know, I can take care of myself," Buck said as Penn started to apply the antibiotic ointment to the raw skin on his arm. Without batting an eyelid, Penn grabbed the package of bandages and whacked Buck upside the head. Buck stared at her with his jaw slack. "What the hell?"

"You. Are. An. Idiot!" Penn yelled, landing smacks in between each word. They looked like two fighting cats. Buck finally got ahold of Penn's hands and forced them down into his lap. She stops, but only against her will. Penn was glaring at Buck, and she could see the vein popping out of his forehead.

"I am a firefighter," he stated firmly. His voice was low but his tone carried a severity that made Penn's defenses falter.

"What you are," she began. "Is lucky. You're lucky that the fuel lines exploded when they did. You're lucky that you weren't two inches closer to the fire, you're lucky that the only thing to hit you was a piece of shrapnel and not the entire fucking car! You're a stupid, lucky, idiot and if you don't start shaping up soon then one day..." Her voice cracked. She darted her gaze away from his for a moment and used all her strength to maintain a solid composure. "You have to start thinking more."

"I am good at what I do," Buck snapped. Penn reeled back, as though he had just spat at her. How dare he think that she devalues him?

"I know that!" Penn raised her voice. "Don't you ever think for a second that I would underestimate your abilities as a firefighter. You are damn good at your job and we both know that. You save people every day. But you never stop to think about the people who care about you, Evan. The ones who love you, who need you. What happens to them when one of your lucky calls goes wrong?"

"It won't." Buck bites.

"You can't say that! You have no idea what's going to happen to you when you go running into open fires because you don't think."

"Stop calling me stupid!"

"I never said that you were, I said you don't think."

"That's the same thing, Penn."

"No, it's not!" Penn yelled loud enough to startle them both. "You don't get it. You aren't the one who has to watch you do stupidly risky things. You never listen to Cap when he gives you orders you don't like. You always have to have the last word, always have to be the hero, be the best. It is going to get you killed one day I don't..."

Penn was starting to lose her cool. She rubbed her temple with a shaking hand." I cannot watch that happen."

All the fury in Buck's face sank as he watched Penn. She was shaking her head at him in defeat. The night had taken its emotional toll on her, and she finally broke down. Buck was quick to catch her, pulling her towards him by the arms and cradling her head with his hands. Broken sobs escaped past her lips, wetting his blood-stained shirt. But he didn't care.

Penn slowly came to and calmed down. She pushed herself up and away from Buck's embrace, sitting beside him on the bathtub's edge. She looked at her best friend with sad eyes.

"I can't lose you," she said. Not after everything they had been through, not after all the times she already almost had. Penn had spent the better part of five years fighting tooth and nail to keep Evan Buckley in her life, even when she really didn't want to.

Buck's expression had shifted from concerned to...something Penn couldn't place. He wasn't crying but his eyes were wet, and he looked like he was trying to find the right words to say.

"What?" she asked. Buck's mouth opened and closed, and then over again. He shook his head as if to say never mind. "You know it's not healthy to shove it all down, right? Tell me."

"I can't," he says quickly. He motions to stand but she puts a hand on his arm, effectively freezing him to the spot.

"Yes you can, you tell me everything?"

"No, I really can't. It's not fair, I just broke up with Taylor."

Penn was confused now. "Taylor? What does she have to do with anything?"

Buck waved his hands in surrender. "Just, forget about it, Penn, seriously."

"Evan, please tell me. What did you do to Taylor?"

"What? No, I didn't do anything to Taylor, this about her-"

"Then why did you bring her up?"

"Because well, I didn't...you," he stuttered.

"Buck just spit it out!"

"I love you!" He blurted out."Damnnit, Penelope. I love you."

Penn loses her breath momentarily. That was not where she thought this was going to go. Hearing Buck confess was the last thing she wanted to hear. Ironic, considering she had spent the two years silently pining over him while he was falling in love with Taylor. To anyone else, this was the perfect opportunity.

But it wasn't anyone else. It was Penn, and it was Buck. And they had been here before, years ago, after the tsunami almost took their lives. And they had tried to be together but it just didn't work. Even if Buck hadn't sued the department and broken all of her trust, Penn was certain that they were doomed to fail from the start. They both cared too much, too hard. It didn't matter if he loved her, or if she still loved him. The risk was not worth the reward.

"I care about you too much to go down that road with you again, Buck."

Buck shook his head in disbelief. "I don't buy that."

"Buck, I'm sorry."

"I'm not! This is right, you and me, this is what always should have been." Buck pulled Penn's hands into his own. Although the motion brought butterflies to her stomach, it also sent rocks plummeting through her heart. All Penn could do was shake her head slowly.

Buck was not ready to give up this fight. "Tell me you don't love me. Tell me you don't love me and I'll drop it right here, right now."

"I did." Penn forced herself to look Buck in the eyes. "I did love you. But I worked so hard to push those feelings down so that we could still be friends, so that I could be your friend without it killing me. And now they're buried so deep, I'm not sure I could dig them back up if I tried."

Buck pulled his hands back away from her. He looked down at them in his lap. "Is it me? Am I not...good enough anymore?

Penn breathed in and cupped Buck's face in her hands gently. "Oh Buck, no. Not at all. If anything you are too good for me. Too good to lose. I can't let myself love you, not the way we want because I can't lose you."

"You can't love me...because you love me?" Buck scrunched his face.
Penn laughed. "Something like that. I'm sorry, I know it doesn't make a lot of sense.

"I get it," Buck shrugs, leaning his face against one of her hands. "I think. I'll try."

"Thank you," Penn whispered. She leaned her forehead against his. They stayed like that for a little while, safe in their own little world. Eventually, it was Penn who pulled away.

"Friends?" She asked.

"Friends." He smiled.

Best friends.

˗ˏˋ ★ ˎˊ˗

a/n: im actually so upset about this you guys have no idea. this slowburn is agAINST MY WILLLLLLLL FREE MEEEEEEEE. 

also they are my jo and laurie thanks bye.