"Love ain't never been so close, but so far away
Like your mind is telling you to just back off
And your heart says just stay
What's a love that doesn't keep you up all night and all day
If it's not too late, yeah you realize it one day"
Down for You-Kehlani

Thinking and Feeling.

Two very different processes.

That seemed to never want to hold hands.

It felt surreal, when he saw the news on his phone. On his tv.

Celine had told the world of the injustice that occurred.

Jimin wasn't sure what he felt, as he had sat on his couch. Staring at the tv screen, feeling tears brim along his eyes.

So many things had changed, within this year. Seasons came and went, friendships as well.

Maybe it was relief.

That he didn't have to lie anymore. Have to pretend he was some savior sent from heaven to guard everyone.

Maybe it was love.

For Celine, being brave enough to speak out against the evil that took her sister's life.

Maybe it was fear.

That something terrible would happen to him, to her because of it.

It was finally over, this torment. So it seemed. But Jimin had a feeling this whole situation was far from over. And he needed to be ready for whatever was to come. For whatever he had to protect.

The more Jimin thought, the more he wanted to feel.

And the more he felt, the more started to think about things.

Yet the two never aligned. What he felt and thought existed in two separate universes. One that contained his heart, and the other was as desolate as Mars.

When he thought about things, they often showed a side of himself he liked to cut away.

His family not caring about him was their fault. Not his. Mr and Mrs Park were just the type of people who shouldn't have had children. Jimin couldn't blame them for that.

Jeongguk getting outed to the world was good. Finally, Jimin would lift the weight of the world of his shoulders. His ex-best friend would officially leave his life forever. Finally getting what he deserved for killing Mia by driving drunk.

Celine hurt him deeply, but Jeongguk had hurt her worse. She was on a sinking ship, and Jimin had barely been a float for her to grab onto. Not understanding the weight of her and him both would eventually cause them to sink too.

He wished everyday he'd done more. That he had ended this all, the day Jeongguk was violent with her right in front of him.

And instead, he broke Celine further.

Jimin had many regrets.

Yet his feelings spoke a different truth.

He let go of Jeongguk as a friend. But as a brother? Those bonds do not fall apart easily. Jimin wasn't sure whether he hated him, or wanted to protect him long enough to see the monster he had become.

Jimin couldn't let Celine go. He would, if she wanted, but never from his own mind. Where her beauty and radiance haunted him like a cliffhanger at the end of a story. Golden irises falling like molten dew onto his cheeks as tears.

Jimin missed her.

It had been two months now, away from her. The only thing left, was the smell of lavender on his pillow case and the dreams he shared. Of them in an open field, yellow daisies propped in her brown hair.

He missed her so much. He missed the smell of her skin, the movement of her lips against his. Soft giggles that would caress his neck as they laughed at each other. Braiding their hands together like silk ropes, tied together by warm spring and summer winds. Her words that came out, carefully polished like gems and as beautiful as poetry.

Their love had been a fairytale.

The relationship fake. The thoughts fake.

"We're only made to be together at night."

The feelings real.

"But I love you in the morning too."

But slowly, Celine and Jimin together were becoming more and more real. Less transparent and juvenile every second.

He still needed time.

He didn't know what to call the things she'd been doing for him. They weren't gifts, in the material sense.

The little pieces of him and her, combined to show every feeling ever word she spoke to him was true. It had been enough to prove that to him. Every since that first day he walked into the bookstore.

He had forgiven her.

It wasn't Jimin's anger that kept him away from her anymore.

Jin had met with him the other day, for lunch. After apologizing about Namjoon. Jimin had said that he didn't want to be right. That he was sorry.

Jin said he understood how Jimin was feeling now. How all you want in the world is them, but you know it's wrong.

The younger explained that he had forgiven Celine now. That he regretted everything that he had done. That was he said was completely false and terrible to say to the person you loved. No matter what, you never demean them. That's what Jimin criticized Jeongguk for, and that's exactly what he did.

"I feel so disgusting Jin, I shouldn't have said those things. I had Celine, I had her. That was all I wanted. And then I threw her away." He said, head falling into his lap. Gripping at the silver hair that was slowly dulling, growing out past his ears.

His appearance had been the least of his worries lately. Something strange, for the boy who always needed to look perfectly groomed. Afraid of judgmental eyes and the same comments he received as a child, of not being good enough. But slowly, the thoughts slipped away.

Celine had loved him for his heart, he knew that now. For that was what shined through in her painting of him. She had said, "I like the way you look at stars."

Jin sighed, placing a comforting hand on the boy's shoulder. Lucky in love, was an expression neither could understand at the moment. It seemed like the emotion caused more harm than good.

"Jimin, you needed to say them. Or else they would have always been in the back of your mind, tiny insecurities trying to breach their way out. For you guys to be truly trusting of each other, Celine needed to hear it. Think of it, like a Phoenix being reborn in it's own ashes. You both will come back stronger than ever."

"H-how is she?" Jimin asked, stuttering as he looked at Jin.

Wanting, needing to know his little angel was alright. That was most important. Even though it would hurt him, to know she didn't need him. Selfish but true.

He had so many regrets. So many, that he could lie awake a thousand years trying to fix them all. He could paint the skies with his emotions, cover it with a sad purple and fiery red. It would in turn create a palette of broken hearts and dreams. Left for all the people in the would who had tried with love, and had sadly lost.

"Celine's doing good. Great actually. Now that she's not being thwarted by Jeongguk, or distracted by you, she's truly learning who she herself is. Before she always was stuck in a hard place. Trying to survive, all at the same time balancing who everyone expected her to be. Now she can truly be herself and flourish." Jin said, a smile on his lips. His statuesque shoulders facing his friend, who seemed to shrink.

The fair skinned man had a smile on his face, a genuine one. But their was also sadness in his crinkled eyes. Eyes more glassy than a turquoise lake in the summer.

"Is she better off without me? Is that it?" The younger asked, words filled with a deep regret. His voice was caught in the lump in his throat. Breaking off at the end, as if he had made some irreversible mistake.

That's what it felt like. Celine moving on without him. A ship leaving the dock, Jimin left behind.

"God you're an idiot sometimes. She wants you back just as much. But you need to give it time. You need to let her process some things. You as well. You both need to fully love yourselves before you can properly love someone else." Jin responded, saying it loudly to cause a few people to look their way.

Jimin cringed, lips pouting out as people began to stare. His creamy cheeks were tinted with red. His worst fears mixing with the fact that nothing else mattered in that moment to him. But the chance to be with her again, after all the mistakes they had made.

He still wanted her.

"I'm afraid I've waited too long. I don't want the moment to pass, for her to figure out I'm not for her. To fall out of love with me."

The brunette gave him a reassuring smile, one that calmed the other. Jin had always been the guiding light house between the two lovers. Who, though lost at shore, would always find their way back to each other. Jin would make sure of it.

"If you're meant to be together, you will reunite. When the time is right, and the stars align."

"I know we belong together." The silver man said, conviction finding his voice.

Deep in is heart, he knew it was true.

Each minute he spent away from her, the more he was drawn to her. The more he felt connected. Because he was figuring himself out, and how Celine fit right in like a missing puzzle piece.

Yet without her, he felt a little lost. A little lonely. Afraid the whole back lash of the Jeongguk being outed would get to her, without the support of her family.

He had to trust that Jin, Yoongi, Hoseok, and Taehyung would be able to support her for the time being.

The man had to live on right now. No matter how much he wanted to call her. To just hear her voice saying his name. To caress her skin, to make sure she was real.

Jimin decided the best way to cope with his mess of a life, was to visit Hoseok's dance studio. It was the only way he could release his demons, without possessing everyone else with his own darkness. Jimin never liked to admit it, but he had a lot of it in him.

The 21 year old walked into the desolate building, feeling like he was at home. The life of this place already breathing into him. Hoseok said he could choose whatever room he wanted. The man of course chose one of the largest, at the end of the long corridor. The one he had danced in with her.

It was the same as before. The large floor to ceiling windows that over looked the city. Bathed in a orange light from the autumn haze. Even though he was inside, he could still feel the cold that threatened to bite through. A large bar hanging across it's with. The mirror reflecting body movements on the other side. The man attached his phone to the stereo, choosing a playlist of his favorite piano pieces.

He walked to the middle of the room, staying in the center. Shoulders relaxed, face determined as he stared at his reflection. Two arms, two legs, one torso all ready to move in the river of music that loudly flooded the room. His shadow in the warm like, just an extension of his soul.

Jimin looked forward, finally starting to move

Carried like a butterfly, his wings erupted. Crossing the floor in smooth, simple steps. Feeling instead of thinking, cutting the tie between the two. He lifted his arms, turning as his right foot came out to the side, hands falling like raindrops as he lowered them. The music filled him, controlled him, like a puppet and a puppeteer, they moved as one.

He let go of everything, all the anger. All the lust and the hate. All the regrets and misfortunes. Every bit of emotion that prevented him from reaching his true potential. His true purpose.

He had to remember who he was, and what lovely people he was surrounded by.

Because if those great people loved him,

did he also deserve to finally love himself as well?

He continued to dance, something between a grimace and a smile on his face.

The piano notes, pulled at his heart strings, making him lift his head to the ceiling. His arms opened wide, as he placed himself in 4th position. The little key sounds, stringing together like Celine's laughter on a warm spring day.

Why does everything remind me of her?

And the pain came back. But it was not a bad feeling. It was welcome.

An inward pirouette, falling out of it. Landing harshly against the cold refined glass right in front of him. His sweaty body sticking to it, as his chest rose harshly up and down, trying to catch his breath. Swimming in a pool of fatigue and nothingness.

He looked forward, his own dark and brooding eyes staring back at him.

Jimin stood, at the edge of nowhere. His head, resting against the thick mirror that resided there. His breath hit the glass, like a kiss as it remained there. His mouth open with a feeling of ache and need in his chest. Something felt so familiar, so strong.

His hand pressed up against the glass, his mouth curling into an aching smile. He let the coldness sink into his palm.

It was as if he could feel a heartbeat.

*****

Celine stood, facing the transient mirror, breath fogging the glass. Standing so close, only the sound of her heart beat could be heard.

She had no idea why she stopped dancing. Why she ran up so close to the mirror, like she was sang to by a siren. The pied piper playing the flute, so that she would break the glass. Shatter and walk through it, to end up bloody and broken on the other side.

She couldn't explain, why her heart was beating gently. Relief and wanton, singing out to something.

Celine lifted her hand, running along the glass like forgotten skin. The smooth surface, like smooth skin she could never forget. Feeling the energy underneath her finger tips pulse.

There was no noise. Just a feeling, that she should stop at the center of the room. The girl walked faster, hand still tracing the glass. Breath and heart quickening at the anxious feeling of what she could possibly discover.

There. Celine was in the middle of the room.

The brunette stopped, staring at the mirror again. The feeling had not left her, as she looked forward.

Hoping to find another face staring back, but just seeing her own.

The small girl let out a hallow breath, that she didn't even realize she was holding. It was the strangest thign she had experienced now, almost entranced.

It made her wonder what was on the other side.

But walls were built for a reason. To keep things within their specific place. And mirrors, weren't meant to be seen through. They were meant to reflect the exact person that dared to stare into it. Walls and mirrors, word and eyes. All limiting and freeing at once.

Could she break through them?

Or would they crumble to the ground around her?

For the girl, always had been in the crossfire of destruction.

The girl placed her right hand, fully against the glass. Again, the cold material feeling warm. It felt like a hand was there, pressed fully against hers as well.

She spoke the words, she felt the urge to say out loud. The tenderness of her voice echoing around the emptiness of the studio. Her heart clenched, throat feeling tight.

"I love you"

The girl waited, in silence. Until it was broken.

Celine strangely thought she heard "I love you too," back.

She smiled at her own reflection again, almost breaking into laughter. Feeling like she had finally gone crazy.

For the voice sounded like his. And her heart had reacted just the same. But it couldn't be true.

Because her happiness was fated to die.

Yet she couldn't ignore the burst of hope, that maybe

just maybe,

it could live on.

********

Namjoon never had it easy growing up.

It was embarrassing to admit why.

Why he would come to school, with bruises running up and down his spine. Cuts littering up and down his face.

His friends, they would ask why.

He would say the same lie every time, "I was playing with my brother. It was nothing serious."

When he really wanted to say, "My dad thinks I act to much like a girl. That I am too weak. He's afraid that I will grow up to be gay. He wants to toughen me up. Make me fit to be his son."

It was why he had such a strong reaction, to Jeongguk throwing Yoongi in the pool. He had been told by Yoongi himself what happened. Had created a bond with him because of it. To see Jeongguk use that against the blonde man...

It was terrifying.

And just exactly what the purple haired man needed.

The thing is, Namjoon never wanted to hurt Jimin. He had grown to love the man. Just like he had grown to love Celine. Everyone, Yoongi, Hoseok, Taehyung, and...

Jin

His father never really accepted him. His father had conditioned him to hate himself, for what he couldn't help.

And Namjoon, grew to never accept himself either.

The man, had somehow convinced himself it was okay to have casual relationships. That he was "bi" if he had sex with men and women, despite only being truly attracted to boys. One day, he would settle down with a wife and kids. Let go of himself, to finally be a son that his father would love.

That romantic love for another man, would inherently make him unworthy.

He had felt the first signs with Jin. The wanting to stay around him all the time, to settle down. Namjoon had gotten comfortable.

Though it was terrible and wrong, he used the situation with Jeongguk to end it. Because Namjoon, didn't have the self control to end it himself.

Now that he had lost Jin, he realized who's love and acceptance he really wanted and needed. Who he truly deserved. And it was all lost, because he couldn't bare to different. Namjoon was angry. He was sad. And it all seemed to be getting worse.

For he had received a call.

The talk with Mrs. Jeon seemed like it came from hell.

She said that if he didn't do as she asked.

He would receive the same fate.

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(A/N): so...

What did y'all think of the CelMin moment? I personally believe in soulmates, so I tried to write this part like that. Like idk, they love each other beyond a physical level. Like even on a spiritual one? Also it showed that Celine loves herself now,  since she said I love you to the mirror and how she "heard someone say it back". It was supposed to be a metaphor for that as well.

Idk, I feel like this chapter is me again. It is the essence of this book. It is about love and heart ache and why good people do terrible things. It just feels like Silk Sheets, in this chapter idk idk ignore me.

BTW I'm partly writing all of the next chapters rn. One of them is gonna make y'all cry frrrrrr. mawahahahahha