that night, taehyung found himself stumbling towards yoongi's cafe at ten o clock, praying that he was still there.

his hands were shaking, and his legs could barely hold up his body; he needed someone, god, he needed yoongi. he needed yoongi to look into his eyes with a knowing gaze and tell him that he truly wasn't broken - that he was still whole and just needed to find himself.

he opened the door to the cafe with weak arms, smiling with relief because the door wasn't locked and that meant yoongi was still there. he leaned against the opened door.

"tae? what the hell - you look like death, jesus."

yoongi stood from the table immediately, rushing to taehyung's side, stabilizing him.

"i needed you," taehyung murmured. "needed someone. you. needed something to... to ground me. i can't do anything anymore."

yoongi furrowed his eyebrows, helping taehyung to a table to sit him down. "what's been going on? spill."

taehyung smiled. "it's just the same as always," he said. "it's all the same. just... it's piled up and i can't hold it all together anymore."

yoongi nodded slowly. "is that why you look like you're on your deathbed? because taehyung, god, you're scaring me." he clearly couldn't find it in himself to smile, too worried and concerned. "do you want anything to eat? drink?"

taehyung shook his head, and yoongi sighed, exasperated.

"this is getting out of control, taehyung."

"it has always been out of my control," taehyung bit back. "i've been breaking, dying for so long that death is like a second nature to me. i hate living, hate breathing, hell, i'm scared of it all! i'm fucking terrified of waking up in the morning and knowing that i have to survive another day." he took a breath, hiding his trembling hands under the table. "yoongi, i can't do it anymore. i need to stop, but i can't. and it's killing me."

"do you want me to be honest?"

yoongi's voice was soft. taehyung nodded.

"i honestly think you need to go see someone about this." yoongi looked reluctant, he was reluctant, repeating the words he had hated to the boy in front of him. "there's no getting better on your own, and you're obviously just getting worse and worse, and it's scaring me, tae."

taehyung looked away, gaze falling.

"i'll... i'll think about it."

* * *

taehyung rushed to his apartment, legs weak from exhaustion as he sped down the street and up the stairs to his floor.

he unlocked the door, went inside, and headed for the bathroom, hands shaking uncontrollably as tears threatened to fall from his eyes. falling in front of the toilet to his knees, he leaned forward and put his fingers down his throat, an ugly gag ripping through his lips as his entire body convulsed. nothing came, only slimy bile sitting on his fingers. he tried again, crying out when it didn't work.

water. he needed water. if he drank a lot of water, it would be easier.

he went to the kitchen and downed a glass of sink water, heart pounding, head clouded with only the need to purge, to feel the calories he had consumed leaving his body with the bitter taste of vomit and acid.

when he knelt back down in front of the toilet with a toothbrush in one hand and tried again, it worked, and he did it over and over again until nothing came up. his throat was aching, tired of being scraped and prodded with thin objects and brittle fingernails. the revolting smell of vomit filled the bathroom, and taehyung retched again at the strong scent. he coughed into the toilet, tears streaming down his face and adrenaline pushing through his veins like a drug. this was his drug. this was what grounded him. this was his escape.

suddenly, he heard his door open and cursed himself for forgetting to lock the door. he never bothered with it, and he had especially forgotten in his anxious rush to the bathroom.

"taehyung?"

was that seokjin? oh right.

seokjin had made him eat a sandwich, and taehyung had run off after eating half of it because of the sickening realization that he had just eaten carbs and meat.

taehyung quickly flushed the toilet just as seokjin appeared in the doorframe of his bathroom; in all his hurry, taehyung also hadn't closed the bathroom door, let alone locked it, so seokjin stood there, grimacing at the smell of taehyung's vomit as taehyung attempted to get rid of the evidence of his god awful sins.

seokjin knew immediately, however; maybe he had already known when taehyung left. maybe that was why he had followed him to his apartment.

"you threw up again, didn't you?"

taehyung looked away.

oh how sad he looked, standing with his head hung low, wearing baggy clothes that hung off of his bones. a toothbrush lay on the floor beside his feet, wet bile still on it and visible. bits of vomit were also on the toilet seat and the floor, and taehyung slowly knelt, took a wad of toilet paper, and began to clean it up.

seokjin looked devastated, pity filling his eyes like a flooding river washing away the ruins of a once bright city. taehyung was on his knees, thin fingers and thin wrists clear to seokjin as he rolled up his sleeves to clean the floor.

"really? you're going to ignore me?"

seokjin was angry, but he really wasn't. he was scared. he was worried. he was so incredibly concerned that he couldn't even express his concern without seeming angry.

taehyung glanced at him once, then directed his attention back to the dirtied floor. he gently picked up the toothbrush and set it down on the sink.

"throw it out. why do you keep two toothbrushes out?"

taehyung didn't respond, taking a second wad of toilet paper and wiping away the vomit on the toilet seat.

frustrated and completely terrified, seokjin walked into the bathroom to take the toothbrush. he needed to throw it out. taehyung would probably just get a new one, but this was the only thing seokjin could think to do right then and there. this was the only immediate thing he could do to stop taehyung from killing himself. just as his fingers grazed the toothbrush, taehyung slapped his hand away.

"leave it! why are you touching my shit?"

taehyung's violent reaction only furthered seokjin's concern. he reached again for the toothbrush, flinching when taehyung slapped his hand away again. "god seokjin, why are you doing this? get out! leave everything the way it is and get out of my fucking apartment!"

"no, jesus taehyung, throw out the damn toothbrush! stop doing this to yourself. it's killing you and i can see it."

"i never wanted you to see me like this!"

taehyung took the toothbrush and thrust it under the faucet as he turned on the sink. quickly, he washed away the bile and put the toothbrush beside his other one. the toothbrush he used to brush his teeth was green. the one he used to purge was blue.

seokjin merely watched for a bit before he spoke, now softly. his voice was forced, trembling with every word he spit from his lips.

"can we talk for a minute? in the living room?"

taehyung hesitated, then nodded. "y-yeah. just give me a second to... to rinse out my mouth."

seokjin grimaced, but otherwise solemnly left the bathroom.

a/n:

lol i'm angsty.

haven't purged in a while but there are so many times when i want to lmao. the only thing stopping me is my family being upstairs and the possibility of getting caught tbfh. i also had this awful bingE incident after a 24 hour fast and now i feel disgusting lol --- it makes me feel especially guilty since i did it right after a fast?? i also gained a pound recently and that sucks ass hA. hope you're all doing okay ;)

also i feel like this story is dragging a bit? like i enjoy writing it but idk if you guys enjoy reading -- is it okay? lol.

anyway thanks for reading especially if you read my ramble of bullshit lmao -- next update should come around next week!!