song rec: "growing up" by a l e x - i listened to it while writing, and it's super calming and kinda fits the vibe of the first part of the chapter.

"well."

"well?"

rain pattered lightly against his window, a haunting sound in the eerie darkness of his apartment. taehyung's mind went back to his childhood for a few moments.

"my mom had me when she was sixteen," he began. "i was a mistake, i guess. my dad left as soon as she had me, and she just... turned to drugs and prostitution to get by. i remember how she would starve for days, drinking and smoking her damned cigarettes instead, and... and cuts on her wrists."

taehyung went on. "she was kind of abusive, i guess. my worst memories of her have to do with cigarettes. she'd burn them out onto my skin, and that hurts a lot more than a few slaps and kicks, you know?"

he stopped. did he want to continue? did yoongi want to know the rest of it - the tragic ending, the death and despair?

"where is she now?"

taehyung cracked a pained smile. "she killed herself. i found her body in the bathroom when i was sixteen." his eyes were welling up with tears again; the memory always made him cry. "you know what the worst part was? the night before, she had told me how worthless i was, burned out another cigarette on my arm, and kicked me out of the house. she reminded me of how much she hated me the night that she died. and even worse, she had a cigarette in her hand when she died. that's how i found her: covered in blood and alcohol with a cigarette in her hand."

"jesus, that's... that's awful. you were sixteen."

"weird hearing my sob story over the phone, isn't it?" taehyung laughed lightly.
"it's not much to me anymore. i guess i'm just kind of sick of it."

"sick of what?"

"hating myself, crying over someone who hated me for the whole sixteen years she knew me, living."

"you're sick of living?"

"yeah."

"well, you're in good company."

taehyung smiled. "nice to know." he breathed, deciding to open up just one more door for yoongi. "by the way, there's one more part of my sob story that you don't know yet."

"yeah? what's that?"

taehyung rolled up his sleeve, just to look at the cuts along his arm before he spoke his sins out loud. every cut was one sin; he supposed he was more of a sinner than his mother had ever been.

"i've got scars like yours."

yoongi was silent for a moment.

"do you really?"

"yeah. cutting is one of the bad things i picked up from my mom."

there was a light chuckle on the other end of the line. "i picked mine up from an old friend."

the rain outside continued to fall. it was comforting, odd juxtaposition to the seemingly bleak conversation occurring between taehyung and yoongi, but to them, it was nothing special.

"i should sleep now," taehyung said. "you should too. it's a little late."

"yeah, probably." yoongi shuffled a bit. "good night, tae."

"night."

* * *

the next morning, the rain had stopped but left the city damp, moist, and a bit duller than usual. taehyung ambled down the sidewalk, lightheaded and feeling constant hunger pangs in his frequently empty stomach but choosing to ignore them as he continued walking.

he found his way to work, skipping the cafe and planning on going later that night. he went into the kitchen of the diner, greeting seokjin.

"hey."

"hi tae," seokjin said. "you're a little early."

"yeah. i walked a faster than usual."

taehyung looked weary, seokjin noted. he looked small and a bit fragile, wearing baggy clothes to cover his thin frame. he looked like he had a lost more weight; was he eating properly?

"have you been eating?"

the question came out surprisingly blunt.

"yeah. i'm eating just fine."

"then why aren't you eating lunch anymore?"

"i'm not hungry."

taehyung looked too calm, too composed, too indifferent about the harm he was clearly causing himself. how could he care so little? he obviously hadn't been sleeping either, and seokjin briefly worried that he might collapse.

"yes you are," seokjin said. "why aren't you eating?"

"i'm eating just fine." he bit out the last two words, an edge to his voice. seokjin pushed one more time.

"you need to eat, taehyung."

"i don't need to eat!"

taehyung's composure was gone. he seemed alarmed at the sudden confrontation, and seokjin wished he had approached the subject a bit more slowly. "what do you mean, 'you don't need to eat?'"

taehyung smiled cynically, the action seeming painful. "i'm leaving. tell boss that i wasn't feeling well."

"taehyung!"

he left.

* * *

"so you're going to tell me that you stormed out before your shift, but you're not going to tell me why you left?"

"yep."

"okay, that's the worst thing you could ever do," yoongi complained. "you don't tell me something that happened and then refuse to give the details. better off not telling me what happened."

taehyung shrugged nonchalantly. it was nighttime again, and yoongi was playing soft music from the cafe speakers. they had closed up, and hoseok and namjoon had left already. all taehyung could smell was wood and coffee beans.

"want to ask each other questions?" taehyung suggested. "one person asks, the other person answers, and then we switch. and you can ask anything. doesn't matter how personal it is; the rule is that we never talk about it again if the other person doesn't want to."

"sounds fun. you start."

"when did you start cutting?"

yoongi smiled. "starting straight from the deep shit, aren't you?" he thought for a moment. "i think i started after one of my friends committed suicide in tenth grade. what about you?"

taehyung hesitated. "i was fifteen. i decided i wanted to die, and i wanted to test the waters - see how close to death i could get without actually dying." he nodded slowly to himself. the music was white noise, blending in with the silence of the cafe. "what was your family like?"

yoongi leaned back, taking a piece of the pastry that taehyung had declined to eat earlier. "my mom was just never there," he said. "my parents were divorced, and she just never came to see me. my dad was nice; i actually love him a lot. i just haven't talked to him in a while since... since my second suicide attempt. he was so heartbroken after that, and i couldn't bear to see him look like that again, so i've just... isolated myself." he bit his lip. "that was depressing. what's something you like?"

taehyung pouted as he thought of something. in all honesty, the only things he really liked were starving and cutting; he had nothing else that he had committed himself to, nothing else that made him truly feel in control and even somewhat happy. he settled for a half honest answer, something he neither loved nor detested. "i like listening."

"listening?"

"like... just listening to people talk. i'm a good listener."

yoongi smiled. "that's simultaneously the most boring but softest thing i've ever heard come out of your mouth."

"so i'm usually fun but mean?"

"you're a potty mouth with depression," yoongi said. "of course."

"i am not mean," taehyung protested. "also, how the fuck are depressed people fun?"

"i'm depressed, and look at how funny i am," he said. "i'm the human embodiment of absolutely hilarious."

"that's bullshit. sorry, but your sense of humor is complete shit."

yoongi laughed lightly. "see? you are mean. but also funny, so it's okay."

he got up, taking the plates that had carried pastries for both him and taehyung that only he had eaten from.

"you really need to try a pastry sometime," he said. "they're so good. i've been eating them for three years, and i'm never sick of them."

taehyung nodded slowly. "maybe," he said. "maybe later."

probably not, though, he thought.

yoongi turned off the light and started out the door. "want to walk together again?"

taehyung smiled. "yeah."

a/n:
my stories always get so far into the eating disorder aspects of things lol. i write to let things out, so i guess things just come out like that?

i can literally feel my life slowly spiraling to hell lmao. i've been restricting a lot again, kind of against my will, like it just happened lol. crazy how shit goes down like that. i hOnEsTLy jUst reALLy haTe mY bOdy and tbfh i don't think that's ever gonna change lmfao.

well, sorry i vent to you guys so much haha. i'll update again soon! thanks for reading ;)