t a e h y u n g

.

It's a Tuesday and I'm still avoiding all of humanity.

I straight up told my brothers I wasn't going to school yesterday, that facing everyone was something I wasn't ready to deal with yet. Of course, they understood and didn't push me, allowing me to wallow in despair under my comforting duvet.

I spent my day watching Netflix shows instead of doing any of my due homework–and even though I'm regretting it, I don't really care enough to stress about them anyways. I have other problems to worry about, like what Jungkook's going to do when he sees me, or how I'm going to apologise to Dami, or when Jimin's going to stop spamming my Snapchat.

Those worries hover over me for a couple of hours, but ounce I'm done watching "To All The Boys I've Loved Before" part 2, the worries fizzle away and all I can think of is how stupid these main characters are.

Now it's Tuesday; 5 : 12 a.m. to be exact. I'm laying shirtless on my bed watching the ceiling fan go round and round–and it begins to bother me. Because they chase each other in an infinite loop, always searching for what's in front it them and never noticing the other that's chasing them from behind. They spin and spin and spin and never meet because if you think about it, they're not actually getting anywhere. They're just spinning.

And there's nothing else they can do. Except stop, when I turn the fan off...

Fuck, it's too early to be so elevated.

I sigh loudly, placing a hand over my forehead. By 6 a.m I usually start preparing to go to school, but right now I don't feel like it. I will miss a lot of class if I skip school for the second time–but if I go I know what's going to happen.

But it's not like I can hide under my duvet forever. I wish I could, though.

My phone buzzes on the nightstand drawer and I groan; I thought I muted that shit completely.

It surprises me that the text's not from Jimin but instead from a random girl from school. I think Dami hangs out with her from time to time.

Dami.

I curse at the unwanted images of her yelling at me and Jessica, of us sharing our family history with each other–then me going down on her shortly after. I think of all of her conversations, of how she was always herself when she was around me, and the way she would laugh when I said something stupid.

"Lola means nothing to me."

I didn't mean that. Of course I didn't. I just–made a mistake because I was so focused on Jessica that everything else went to shit.

I wonder if Jessica's ok.

I wonder why Lola posted that video on social media.

And I wonder if I have the right to be mad.

sashaye : here's a rundown of all that you missed on monday baby boo

sashaye : --tap to open--

Sasha comes into view, doing that thing that girls do on camera where they play with their hair and pout their lips slightly.

"So right now, it's a fucking warzone." She says simply. "Look–"

The camera moves, and I see Jessica and Jungkook at the school entrance–at Dance club. Some other kids have come out to watch as well, with cameras in their hands because we're gen z and we fucking suck.

I suck in a breath when the camera focuses.

Jessica's crying.

She's crying so hard I think she might fall down and just break. I hear her say "please" a couple of times, which only makes Jungkook shake his head. His fists are clenched so tightly that they're as red fire–he's angry. He's so damn angry.

And it's my fault.

"I can't do this anymore, Jessie." He chokes out. It's when he looks at her that I realise he's holding back tears. "Go to fucking Taehyung for all I care. I'm fucking done."

And then the video ends.

I throw my phone back on the bedside table, burying my head deeper into my pillow for some sort of comfort.

Deep down, some evil part of me has always wanted Jessica and Jungkook to be over. Everytime I saw them together I wondered what it would be like if I were in Jungkook's place, with Jessica. I wonder what would've happened if I had snatched her heart first and we had fallen in love. This dark part of me would think, "she doesn't belong with him. She belongs with me."

For the longest time I harboured those feelings, praying that Jungkook and Jessica wouldn't stand the test of time.

Now they're broken up, Jessica has admitted her feelings for me, and there's nothing stopping us from being together.

And now that dark side of me doesn't want this.

No part of me wants this actually.

I've thought about the things Jimin said a lot, and he was right; loving Jessica was just a habit.

And now that the habit's broken, I don't know what I want anymore.

: :

I decided to go to school to face the inevitable, and now that I'm here I want to fucking zoom back home.

People are whispering–fucking loudly if I may add–as I walk down the hallway. Some guys even clap me on the back for "getting Jessica", and a few guys tell me to watch out for Jungkook because he's gunning for me. Which I already know, because there's no way this won't end in a fight.

Honestly, I'm too drained to even care anymore. Jungkook can break my neck and I can die alone like I was destined to from the beginning–I sound so extreme, but that's genuinely how I feel.

As I'm grabbing my notes for first period I hear loud clanking of heels, and I already know it's Lola and her "friends".

And I make the mistake of turning around.

There she is, head held high like nothing ever happened. She walks down the hallway like a model in a runaway, so fierce that students stop whatever they're doing to stare at her.

She doesn't look like me. There's no signs of bags under her eyes, she's not dressed in ugly sweats like I am, and there's no sense of sadness surrounding her.

Something gnaws at me and I don't know what it is.

Dami's eyes flicker to mine for a split second before she's out of eyesight. I sigh. Not even a "hello" huh? Then again, I don't think I deserve that either.

I have to keep reminding myself that all this is my fault.

The sound of a locker slamming resonates through the hall and I jump in fright.

"Wha–"

Someone punches me right in the cheek before I can even blink.

The force so brutal that I stumble and crash to the cold tile floor. My hand goes to my cheek, which feels like it just got crushed under a tractor right now.

What the fuck?

Before I can scramble to my feet a kick is sent to my sides.

Fuck that hurts.

"You fucking son of a bitch."

My eyes widen in shock and fear when I see who looms above me.

Jungkook looks fucking livid.

I'm so fucked.

The sounds of students yelling and cameras clicking fades into the background as Jungkook sends another kick my way, and I yell in pain.

"Get up. Fucking get up and tell me why you did it!"

His voice is so loud it makes me flinch, and I want to cover my ears, to shrink  into the floor and hide, to be anywhere but here.

But I have to keep reminding myself that this is what I deserve.

I'm still hissing in pain, eyes shut tightly, and in no headspace right now to give Jungkook the answers he wants.

"Get up or I swear to god Taehyung–"

I think another kick is about to be sent my way, but time passes and I feel no pain anywhere.

I finally get the courage to look up, blinking away the tears that had been building up.

"For God's sake, Jungkook, stop it before the teachers show up!" Jimin is blocking Jungkook's leg with his, glaring at him with the same level of ferociousness as Jungkook.

Part of me wants Jungkook to continue his assault, but I know that's just the stupid talking. If Jungkook didn't stop then who knows what would've happened to me? Besides, they might've suspended–even expelled him if the teachers came and caught him. 

"Jimin." Jungkook squares up to his senior. "This doesn't involve you."

"You're my friend and so is he, so best believe it involves me." Jimin seethes. "Now fucking stop this and let's talk about this."

"He had all the fucking time to tell me he kissed my fucking girlfriend." Jungkook tries to get to me again, but Jimin pushes him back with a hand on his chest.

"Stop." Jimin stands his ground. "We can talk about this during lunch–"

"I don't want to fucking talk to him!" Jungkook shouts. "He went after my ex and my fucking girlfriend! What kind of fucking friend does that?!"

"Ex girlfriend." Jimin blankly corrects him.

With that the anger fades from Jungkook, and I see a moment of recollection happen in his eyes. He whispers, "fuck," before tugging his hair in frustration.

"Yeah, fucking ex girlfriend." Jungkook mumbles. Then he looks down on me again, the anger coming back to his eyes a little. "Are you happy now? You and Jessica can go fuck each other for all I care."

In all the haziness I feel I still manage to spit something out. "I'm sorry."

Jimin and Jungkook's eyes widen when tears finally fall from my eyes.

In the halls, for everyone to see just how fucked up I am.

"I'm s-sorry." I choke. "I'm so sorry."

---

If Jungkook had set aside his pride then, we would've talked it out–and of course, the trust wouldn't be there anymore, but we could've built it from scratch all over again.

But he didn't set aside his pride, his anger, or his ego. He grabbed Jimin by the arm and walked away from me, leaving me to pick myself up from the ground alone.

I don't blame him. After all, his anger and pain are understandable. I was his best friend–a brother, even, and I stabbed him in the back not once, but twice.

And now I'm in this library, face to face with the girl I've been avoiding since the day of the fight.

Jessica looks distraught. Her hair is a mess, there's deep bags under her eyes, I can tell she's been crying a lot, and the usual sparkle and glitter I felt whenever she was around is gone.

When we both look at each other; sad, lonely and lost, there's this unspoken aura of understanding. Unlike when I saw Dami, my heart doesn't drop in the realisation that someone's doing better without me.

It sounds fucking morbid, but it's just nice to know that someone else is still crying from the wounds.

The fact that we're both hurting and wallowing in guilt brings a bittersweet smile to my lips.

"So..." She looks down at the table like she's lost in another world. "Do you want to talk?"

Author's note

Is anyone still here? If you are then i love you xx

I'm really sorry for being such a bitch and not updating. I genuinely don't have a good excuse now it's just that having two accounts was a fucking mistake lmao

I haven't written anything in a long while so that's why this chapter is...not really good.

I know the Jessica hate is justifiable, but please remember that pretty much every one of the main characters have done stupid shit that have hurt other people. It's fine to hate bc like they're not real lol but don't be afraid to understand too 💗💗

Thank you for reading. I will be updating more frequently bc of quarantine ❤️❤️❤️

stay safe ❤️