d a m i l o l a

My mom's back in America, but obviously she ain't back in the house because I only see her come in late at night since four weeks ago. Damn, I feel like those annoying wattpad characters that don't have parents sometimes, but I understand that she has important deals to secure right now-besides, Mrs. Anderson always checks up on me so I don't die by accident or something.

Today she came home early though, and she's grilling me like I'm some criminal as we prepare dinner.

"How many tests have you had so far?-go and bring more oil from the store, this one is not enough."

I do as told and hand her the jug of olive oil, laughing. "Mummy, if I start counting the amount of tests I have, we will not sleep today."

She raises a brow. "Why are you saying it like it's a bad thing?"

"Did you like writing test in Secondary school?"

We stare at each other for a long second, then we burst into laughter.

"The only time I even bothered to read was when I wrote WAEC and JAMB." She tells me laughing. "I cannot come and go and kill myself because of exam."

I don't want to say "i know right" because I know my mom will start lecturing me about the importance of school like a hypocrite. So instead I laugh along, glad that she's here and she's happy.

"What about NECO?" I raise a brow as I help her pour the pepper into the pot.

She laughs again. "Please abeg, what can NECO achieve for anyone!"

My chuckle is drowned out by the sizzle of cooking oil. Goddamn, how long is she going to let those onions fry before she pours in the pepper? It's beginning to choke me.

"I'm sha studying for SAT." After a while of us just cooking together, I speak up again.

"Good girl. You know your exams are important." She says...like she just wasn't calling exams a waste of time five minutes ago.

Just as I'm about to make a mistake by calling her out, the doorbell cuts me off.

"I'll get it." With a couple of long strides I am at the door, looking through the peephole to see...Jungkook?

"What the hell are you doing here?" The door isn't even completely open by the time I start whisper yelling.

Said boy wears a smile and the sexiest skin tight jeans I've ever seen-no, Damilola, do not get horny in the vicinity of your mother.

"I came to see you." He whispers back playfully. "Your house smells like chicken and pepper, and why are we whisper-oh."

I don't even have to turn to know my mom's behind me. I can sense the looming presence of ass whooping.

But I guess I won't be getting whooped today, because I hear her exclaim. "Ah han! is it not my favourite boy?"

"Good evening miss." He bows, and I'm taken back to the time when my mother first fell in love with him bc he was "the only person in America who knows how to greet".

"Good evening Johnny." He smiles amused at the nickname. "I haven't seen you in a while! Please come in, have a seat." She beams.

I'm trying so hard to hide my smile because this is so unusual that it's funny. She doesn't smile for any of my other "friends" when she sees them. Actually, she tells most of them to leave before she brings out her slipper. But here she is, talking to Jungkook like we've known him for thirty years.

She's more whipped than I am, and that's saying something.

"Ah, I'd love to miss, but I'm in a hurry." I blink at him confused. "You see, we have an urgent assignment that just came in and is due tomorrow, and we need to go to the library now."

This kigga did not just-

'What kind of nonsense opuro [bad liar] is this one?'

My mom can't possibly buy this; he's not even in the same grade as me for fuck's sake so there is no way-

"Okay my dear. Sha don't stay too long, one cannot die because of small assignment."

My face must be so shocked right now because Jungkook looks like he's trying to hold back the fattest laugh.

Then he further cements his deceit. "It's half our grade."

"Oya oya oya," my mom switches gears completely and rushes to grab my slippers, then shoves them into my hands. "Be going, be going!"

I'm pushed out of the house and the door is slammed shut before I can even let out a word.

I cannot believe this.

"You dirty liar." I turn to look at Jungkook, who has the slyest smile on his face right now.

"Hey, I didn't exactly lie." He shrugs. "There is an important assignment that's half my grade...due next month. And we are going to the library, just, not to study."

"You're horrible."

"I know, you're welcome."

I roll my eyes and bend down to tie the laces of my sneakers, but before I can Jungkook has beaten me to it.

He looks up at me with his adorable bunny smile and asks. "Wanna go read stupid wattpad fanfictions then make out till we're caught?"

I laugh. "Yeah, that'd be great."

: :

"Harry's a dick."

The local library is quiet this time of the day, probably because people have better things to do at 5 : 30 in the late afternoon. Jungkook and I are sitted at the back of the library, reading an old wattpad fanfiction on his laptop. I don't know what the name is, I think he said something about Aftermath?

"I can't imagine anyone doing that shit to me." I can actually. A lot of guys have tried to bet on getting into my pants, but Jungkook doesn't need to hear about that.

"I'd probably kill them if they did." His kisses my shoulder, lips as light as a feather. "Harries don't deserve you."

His sweet words make my insides soft and I'm about to turn and kiss him on the lips, until he says.

"And neither do Taehyungs."

I pull away from him, turned off by the mention of his name. "What?"

Guess he wasn't expecting my reaction, because his expression sours a bit. "Did you think I didn't know about you and him?"

"You didn't need to know because you and I weren't together."

"You know I didn't mean it like that." He's so close his breath fans my face when he sighs. I turn away. He sighs again. "At first I was happy for Taehyung and you-a bit weirded out and worried- but happy anyways. But then...that happened."

There's underlying anger in his voice, and it makes me wonder just how much he thinks of Jessica.

Does he...think about her as much as I think of Taehyung?

"Do you miss her?"

I don't even realise I asked the question out loud till he replies with, "What?"

We slip into silence, the sounds of the librarian's movements echoes in my mind. I focus on that instead of the awkwardness of this conversation and the feelings I've been unable to make disappear no matter how much I want them to.

Then he catches my attention by shrugging, like that will take all the emotion out of his eyes. "I don't know."

That answer should make me mad, but all I feel is the blinding sense of de ja vu.

I press forward. "Why did you choose her?"

"Huh?"

"Why did you choose Jessica?" I say her name and he stiffens. "She's the exact opposite of me in every way possible." I'm afraid of how he'll answer my next question.

"Did you...hate me that much?"

This is it. This is the question that's been at the back of my mind ever since I saw Jessica hanging off his arm. Why her? Why did he deliberately fall for someone who was the exact opposite of me?

Was I never good enough?

"You broke up with me, remember?" Jungkook murmurs, voice devoid of any emotion.

But his eyes look so tired.

I avert my eyes to the laptop screen in front of us, wanting to go back a couple steps to when Harry and Tessa weren't stuck in their destructive cycle.

"Why?"

"Why what?" I don't want to look at him. I want to go back.

"Why did you break up with me?"

The dreaded question is out, and I don't know how to tell him the truth without sounding completely stupid.

But I try. "You know those days when you feel like you don't deserve anything?"

It's like I can see him scowling. "You dumped me because of a bad day?"

"No you fool." I snap, then sigh. "I mean, what if those days were weeks, and what if those weeks were months of you feeling like you didn't deserve someone no matter what you did?"

He says nothing for a long while, as if he's taking my words in-or planning to cuss me out for what I've said. It would be nice to hear him reassure me, to tell me that I'm all he'd ever want and need and that we're perfect for each other regardless of what anyone else says.

But, somehow, I know that if he actually says it, it won't be the truth.

(Sometimes you just want to go back.)

"What about now? Do you think you deserve me now?" Instead he directs it back at me, and I wonder if he agrees too.

(But you're too stuck in the cycle to even try.)

"I don't know."

I have come to realise that's the only answer we all keep giving.

: :

Author's note.

I need y'all to understand something. I am a writer, I am also an artist, a graphic designer, a fashion designer, a contest host and a contest judge-these are things that take a considerable amount of my time and energy

And that's just my online life. Irl i have other things to do as well with school and home and shit.

I also have another account, that has two other complicated books that takes time to write, even more than this one.

So please understand that I am not a daily updater and I don't think I can ever be, because writing this chapter alone was hard for me even though it's filler-I kept going through everything, deleting stuff, etc etc. Writing does not come easy to me, it never has and it never will-it takes me time to do this stuff.

I know waiting for updates sucks especially when the author (me) doesn't have a track record for updating books early, but coming to me with "update pls" will not make me update faster, it just further increases my anxiety and I already have enough of that.

Please understand.

Thanks for reading and stay safe!