d a m i l o l a

The thumping in my head wakes me, and I groggily shift to my side, trying to get it to go away without actually getting up. My body's really warm, and it takes me a moment to notice a thin duvet covers me. I can't help but yawn, snuggling further into the soft pillow though I am supposed to be trying to sit up. The comfort disappears however, when the smell of paint makes me realize that I'm not sleeping peacefully at home.

I rub my eyes open and sit up, letting the memories sink in one by one. There's so much to unpack in those last few minutes before I kind of blacked out, but the last thing I remember is the sound of the engine as I was driven away from school.

Then I look around at the books sprawled out on the desk, the antique magazines, the half finished painting in the middle of the room, and the realization dumps on me like cold water.  I'm in Taehyung's house.

Well I'll be damned. 

All symptoms of tiredness leave me as I spring up and off the bed. My hand subconsciously feels up my body, and relief washes over me when I'm sure that all I did in Taehyung's bed was sleep. But that relief is short-lived when I hear muffled voices outside the room, reminding me that I am not alone.

I need to get out immediately, but I don't want to face him.

Just as I'm about to take the coward's way out and jump out through the window the door creaks open, and if he heard me curse fuck please no  as I face him, he doesn't comment on it.

Instead Taehyung asks, "How're you feeling?" 

Like shit. I want to say, but the words are lodged in my throat. 

His eyes search mine, and  I have no idea what he's looking for but whatever it is I don't want him to find it. So I break his gaze, averting my attention to the painting behind him. Despite the abstract feel of the colours, the inspiration he got it from is as clear as day.

"What are you...oh!" He rushes to pull a sheet over the canvas, blocking his art from me.  "Pretend you didn't see that please."  

But I already did. "Pretty eyes." 

My eyes. 

"Tha...thank you." His hands rub his nape, shoulders, then his sides.  "Jin hyung's making samgyeopsal ...uh pork belly in English. I-I don't know if you're hungry or anything but if you want-"

"No."

He sighs. "Understandable."

Silence follows, and my eyes drift from his fidgeting hands to the floor, wishing it would swallow me up. I remember a time I used to think we could never be quiet around each other. Things were less complicated back then, and I wish I could go way back to before I even came up with that stupid plan.

That's not how it works though, now I'm here in Taehyung's room with so much I could say. Finally, I could do everything I've wanted to do since he hurt me and I hurt him back. I could yell at him, curse, tell him that I stopped caring about my plan in those moments we were alone. 

I could hug him and feel the comfort of his arms one more time.

Instead, I ask, "Why?"

He blinks twice, "Why what?"

Don't say it. Don't ask that question, Damilola. Just leave this damn house and call Jungkook.

I ignore the voice of short-sighted reason. "Why did you do any of it? Kiss Jessica, come on me at the party, ignore me, make a scene in the school driveway." Technically we both made a scene, I know. "Why did all of this have to happen?"

If I met Taehyung first, and Jungkook met Jessica before he dated me...would everything be different? Would Taehyung and I have fallen for each other in a healthy, romantic way, instead of dousing our story with gasoline and going up in flames? 

It's nice to imagine that would be the case, yet it's sad to think that could have been the case. 

"I don't know, Dami." That nickname makes me suck in a breath. "I...fuck it, that's a lie, I do know." 

He slowly walks to the couch next to us and flops down, and I follow suit. "I was caught up in it-the drama, I mean, with my head so far up my damn ass it was hard to see things from a ...sensible perspective." 

"I know what that's like." I chuckle at the irony; we really are two peas in the pod. 

"I was so sure I was in love with Jessica." He tells me, clasping his hands together. "So damn sure. There was a lot I couldn't control, and a lot I didn't understand...but that?" He laughs humourlessly. "That was the one thing I could bet everything on."

I nod. My feelings towards Jessica haven't changed, I still think she's a player hiding behind a mask of made up goodness and purity,  but the animosity I've had towards her has been growing shorter. I don't know, I'm just tired of being angry. 

"Then you came along." From the side of my eye I see him glance at me, but I keep my gaze trained on my sneakers . "Between having to deal with Jessica and Jungkook, you were like a breath of fresh air to me. I felt myself around you, like...I don't know, like all that other shit didn't matter.  But at the same time you were chasing Jungkook, and I was chasing Jessica. So I just felt like-"

"Like none of it even mattered anyways." I cut him off. "Us, I mean." 

"Yeah."

"It did matter though." He continues after a beat of silence. "Dami, I want to tell you I'm sorry, for stringing you along, for kissing Jessica, for everything. You didn't deserve any of what happened to you, you're worth so much more."

There's that thing again, the dammed tears. 

"I'm sorry too."  I choke. "You're worth so much more than how I treated you." 

So much more. 

I bury my head into my hands as the tears take over once again. Everything hurts, my life is a goddamn mess and it's all my fucking fault. A familiar arm wraps around my waist and pulls me in, and I let him stroke my braided hair until my sobs die down and my tears soak his shirt. 

It feels so nice to be comforted.  

I don't know how long he spent running his hand up and down my back, but it's long enough for me to reach an epiphany. "I'm gonna break up with Jungkook."

His head snaps to meet mine, surprise lacing his eyes. The hope in them makes me want to burst into tears once again.

"But I'm not doing it for you."

It disappears. Any slither of hope he had for this, for us, fades into a blank face. 

"Taehyung, you hurt me." I state it simply, pulling away from his warmth. " And I hurt you."

"Yeah," He smiles, juxtaposing his teary eyes. "I get it." 

Once I'm at the door, something in me naively stops me in my tracks, reminding me of all I could lose if I walk away. 

But then I think of everything else I've lost already by staying, and the answers I've been desperately searching for, is so clear to me.

"Goodbye, Taehyung."

Author's Note 

art at the top of the chapter is mine (if u steal it it means you're not only a hoe but also a dumb one bc lol why tf would u want that)

look man i'm tired trying to wrap things up so I can leave this account with a smile and I also lost many writing skills ok so uh yeah DHHCDUHV

After sum planning I've decided there's two chapters left for this book and an epilude (these two chapters will be longer in comparison to this chapter I promise)