Of course, I stopped by the club on the way home, but it was getting to be routine by that point. The weather was still unpredictable as the weather tends to be in Toronto and the days were already getting longer, so some mornings I cut it really close getting home, but I was getting the hang of it and knew that I still had at least until 8 AM for the sun to be any proper threat. In summer that was going to be a different story, but for the time being, it was just becoming part of my routine as a vampire.

I'd wake up to my darkened apartment around 11 AM, either from my stomach demanding that I put some proper food into it or from my bladder threatening to spring a leak and flood the bed. I caught myself having one of those dreams one morning. You know the dream I'm talking about. The one where you dream you're peeing and then have to jump up and run to the bathroom because you suddenly felt the rush of hot liquid on your leg or stomach. In my case, I was dreaming that I was peeing into an abandoned swimming pool and it was such a good feeling of relief, the kind of epic pee you could only have in a dream. It was also the kind of pee that required me to have to take an immediate shower. I, of course, had to strip the bed and desperately hope that I hadn't gotten any urine on the pillow and that it hadn't soaked through the mattress cover that Jaime had insisted so long ago that I just had to buy.

I vowed to myself that nobody would ever learn of my shame, even though I was fairly sure other people have had near misses. I'd have to ask Sammy about it sometime and see how badly she made fun of me.

It was while I was slipping my shoes on in the kitchen, my soiled sheets in the hamper in front of me, laundry card in my hand, that I realized there was no way I was going to be able to do laundry during the day. The laundry room was across the courtyard, and that was way too much sunlight for me to even begin thinking about.

Fuck.

This is the point all pretense of normal drains away, the point where the panic that has been lurking in the shadows of your mind and fears throws off its horrible disguise of bravado, idiocy or lunacy and wraps its arms lovingly around you in an embrace that only death will break.

Since we've established that I'm going to be honest, I'm just going to keep going with that theme. I pretty much lost it.

I don't know where the tears came from, or even the desperate sobs that forced their way out of my chest and surprised even me. I'm an ugly crier, so it's not something I do very often. I mean when I really let go of myself and actually allow myself to cry, it's really fucking ugly. There's lots of snot involved, and my crying face is nothing you want to take home to your mother. Some people will say "Hey it's okay for men to cry," but they will take one look at me crying and instantly change their minds. It's not pretty is what I'm really trying to drive home here.

It got pretty embarrassing, so I'm just going to skip that part and get to the point.

I was at my absolute lowest, lying on the cold floor in my apartment with a half-finished bottle of moderately pricey whiskey. I was swearing both at my inability to get properly drunk or to do my laundry, both because I was a fucking goddamn vampire... and then the phone rang.

Nobody calls me anymore. It's all text messages these days. The only calls I ever got were usually from my mom or from the phone company threatening to cut off my phone, but even they have switched to text messages. So I wasn't expecting anything good when I fumbled the phone out and saw all it said was UNKNOWN NUMBER.

Beep.

"You've reached the line of someone who doesn't give a fuck. What the fuck do you want?"

"Bob?"

The level of concern in Claude's voice shocked the shit out of me. Wait, that's a lie. Just hearing Claude's voice shocked the shit out of me. I sat up immediately.

"Dude! Are you back?"

"Are you okay?"

"Definitely not. I'm actively losing my shit."

"Did the Russians get to you yet?"

Russians?

"What Russians? I'm having an existential crisis and losing my shit on my own. No Russians are involved."

"Well, an existential crisis is better than Russians. Kills you slower anyway. Is your crisis because you're a vampire?"

"Something like that, yes."

"Can we skip all of the self-doubt and get to the part where you agree that you're still alive, would like to remain alive, are not mythical and that you're looking outside to make sure nobody Russian-looking is watching your place?"

"Can we spend a little more time on my self-doubt?"

"Are you ugly crying?"

"I was until you called and interrupted. I was really getting into it too. Had a good rhythm going and everything."

"Then you're definitely over it. Wipe your snot and look out the window."

"No. Don't want to."

"Why not?

"Because, according to you, there might be big mean Russians outside of it!"

I was already at the window and slipping my sunglasses on as I climbed onto the back of the couch so I could see through the window. Oh, the joys of a basement apartment. The window was covered with a couple of heavy-duty black foam-core board panels, and they overlapped in the centre, only held together with a strip of black duct tape. It was a simple matter of peeling the tape and then carefully and slowly sliding one panel to the side so I could peer outside. Of course, it was only while I was doing this that I remembered I had promised not to be a complete bum and invest in some heavy curtains, especially before summer came.

There was an unsurprising lack of Russians outside my window, scary or otherwise. I relayed this information to Claude.

"You sure?"

"Not really, but I'd prefer not to scorch my retinas any more than I have to if it's all the same to you. It's the middle of the day man."

"Okay. Fine."

I pulled the panel back and looked away from the blazing light of outside, aware that black spots were facing across my vision like vengeful sprites. I slumped onto the couch and tried to avoid looking at the overturned laundry hamper on the floor that was taunting me with its very existence.

"You gonna tell me what's going on?"

"Can I tell you that when I get back?"

"Well, are you likely to get killed? Because if you are, you should tell me now and I can be oh so sad at your funeral instead of being pissed off."

"I'm in Belize."

Oh. Damn.

"What the fuck are you doing in Belize?"

"Crime. Don't ask details. But somehow the Russians are now involved..." Claude paused, and I instantly dreaded whatever he was going to say next.

"Don't say it..." I said.

"I think at least one of them is a vampire."

"Seriously? You think it's a coincidence, and you just know what to look for now, so you're more likely to see vampires?"

"There are no coincidences in this business. You really should keep your eyes open for any Russians. I have a feeling that your new friends make a habit of playing dirty and that somehow they know about me. I'd like to get out of this with my head attached, so please don't piss off anybody."

"Yeah, about that..."

Silence from Claude, then: "I'll be back in a week. Please don't piss off anybody else. You can do that, right?"

Of course, I promised to stay out of trouble. I even meant it when I swore that I would keep my head down. I spent a few hours moping around the apartment, which turned into me reading stupid status updates from my friends on Facebook, with their photoshopped selfies of their perfectly happy and ordinary lives, far removed from vampires, Russians and best friends who were in Belize and not there when you needed them. I got particularly spiteful and just unfriended anybody who had posted pictures of their babies, or any baby for that matter. Then I just gave up in disgust, letting that edgy anxiety, that hunger creep up on me again until I could take it no longer.

Of course, I still had to wait for the sun to go down, but that's one of the good things about maybe-but-not-quite-spring: I didn't have to wait too long.

But first I did the laundry. No amount of restlessness was going to make up for not having clean sheets to sleep on, especially when it was already as cold as it was.

******** AUTHOR'S NOTE **********

The book is now AVAILABLE in Hardcover, Paperback and Ebooks. It's going to live here free on Wattpad, but if you love the story and want to support your awesome author (me), grab a copy from one of the lovely retailers below. Who knows: maybe it can become a bestseller with the help of you lovely WattPadders

Amazon - http://bit.ly/Amazon-SIMBAV

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Check out the website: http://www.bobthevampire.com