-2-

Things might have gone a little differently for Jimmy if he'd had some bacon with him. Of course since it was Beatrice he was dealing with and she already knew about bacon all bets were off. With Beatrice, all bets are off; it's just the way things are.

"Tell me where you were going just now Jimmy," she said almost conversationally. Anyone listening wouldn't have heard anything out of the ordinary because there really wasn't. Beatrice had already glammered the fuck out of Jimmy to get him to do exactly as she wanted and she had been considering which random driveway she was going to have him pull into so she could have a bite to take the edge off. If he was lucky, she would actually leave him alive, but the mood she was in at that moment did not leave much chance for survival.

In any case, Jimmy answered truthfully and very openly. He might have done the same if he hadn't been glammered to cooperate with the beatuful creature in the car with him, but he never got the chance to prove it.

"This guy Claude sent me on a mission. It's like I'm some kinda secret agent and stuff, you know? There's this house up on highway seven, big old mansion and this lady lives there, some duchess--"

"Madame Vera," Beatrice said, and her interest had been piqued.

"Yah that's the one. Madame Vera. You know her or something?"

"Oh we're old, old friends. I was actually just coming from there," Beatrice said, all wide-eyed and obviously lying. Jimmy didn't notice. She could have made a jerking off motion to him and he would have thought it was the funniest thing in the world. The side effect of the glammering was that Beatrice could do no wrong in his eyes.

"Really? How about that, huh? Small world."

Beatrice considered him for a long moment as if trying to decide where she was going to bite first. Then, "Aren't you going to tell me about your mission?"

Jimmy pulled out the iPhone from his pocket and handed it to Beatrice.

"Claude wanted me to drop this off to Madame Vera, which I'm going to do as I get you to where you're going. It's really important and I might be saving the lives of everyone in the diner where I work."

"What am I looking for here?"

"It's a video," Jimmy said, reaching for the phone. Beatrice slapped his hand away and tapped at the screen.

"You drive, I'll handle this. Safety first after all."

***

The phone records from the booth in the diner, propped up on the table as a slightly awkward angle to get a bacon munching Hester in frame.

"--and how many is a billion? How many thousands would you say?"

"All due respect, I'm not helping you wipe out the human race."

"How about just the continent? There can't be that many of you here."

"Do you even know what continent you're on?"

"It matters not. There shall be a great cleansing and the rivers will run red with blood as you mortals quake in terror at the might of Hester!"

"Do you know we went to the moon?"

"Impossible. If someone has been to the moon, then why didn't they bring it back?"

"It's bigger than a country. Kinda hard to fit in your pocket... plus it turns out it's very difficult to get to. Do you know anything about astronomy? You know, planets and stuff?"

"We had many magicians and wise men to consult with, so my knowledge is limited. I have forgotten huge amounts of things I should have known."

"Maybe you should have written it all down somewhere."

"I seem to remember remembering a book of some sort. I believe I called it 'Die Human Scum', but I may be remembering that wrong."

"What happened to the book?"

"I may have... forgotten. I have forgotten lots of things in my long lifetime..."

"The reason why we were able to go to the moon is because we never forgot anything. This world out there is nothing like the one you remember. People have learned about so many different things and one thing that we've gotten really good at is finding new creative ways to kill each other. If you start a war with us, you can be damn sure we're going to be ending it, especially with the way they're arming police departments these days. Believe me, the cops will be more than happy to give you some civil rights so they can violate each and every one of them, just to say that they did. They've got lots of destructive toys they've all been itching to use, so please don't give them an excuse. And remember there are literally billions of us out there now."

"I'm beginning to hate the sound of that word. Billions."

"It's a big word."

"How about I start with wiping out one tiny city? Surely there cannot be more than a thousand of you here."

The video cuts to Claude behind the bar, speaking quietly.

"That was Hester," he said. "I'm sure you've heard the name before, so I'm going to get right to business. As you can see, Hester is no longer contained in his sepulchre stasis thing that somebody rigged up for him. As much as I'd like to say Beatrice was responsible for that, that really doesn't make sense. What I think is that someone higher up, someone in charge, who actually runs things, was entrusted with the care of very old vampires like Hester. Maybe there are more like him. Who the hell knows, because I don't but I know that whoever gave it to Beatrice was an idiot. I think she's been either experimenting or just plain drinking his blood, but with Beatrice, who can tell, right?

"The bad news is that he's out of the vault and he's a little pissed off. I'm only human so there's just so much I can do to make sure he doesn't kill everyone in town and we know how much of a disaster that would be for you guys. So what I propose is this: I'm going to bring him to you guys and you have to be ready for him.

"Also can you make sure that Jimmy goes directly home? And thank him for me."

"What language was that?"Jimmy wanted to know. "I thought Hester spoke perfect English with a bit of accent. That didn't sound anything like him."

Beatrice looked at the iPhone for a very long time. A range of emotions ran across her face and Jimmy wisely kept his mouth shut and just concentrated on driving. There was an air of psycho coming across that even he in his glammered state did not dare to disturb for fear of being literally bitten.

When Beatrice, after a moment, grinned at him, he didn't feel any more relieved and in the lizard part of his brain, the part that's all instinctive and has been screaming at him this whole time to "run goddamit! why aren't you running?" there might have been a bigger sense of doom at the hook that was clearly coming.

"So you're some kind of hero aren't you? I mean look at you, all manly and strong!"

Jimmy liked the sound of that. It sparked something in him and he actually sat up a little straighter in his seat as the idea caught fire in his mind. A hero! That's exactly what he was goddamit! He didn't know why he hadn't thought of if before in all of his life but he could see now how it could be, after all, the best heroes laid low until they were needed and then they stepped up without a second thought to sae the world, and if his life was any indication, he had been deep in hiding and now was his time. That time he had crushed on Jenny so hard and had decided to become her friend so she could see what an awesome guy he was, why he had valiantly stepped aside when she had fallen deeply in love with that thug Simon, and sure he was still waiting for Simon to break her heart, but that would happen eventually and he would be there waiting to comfort her as always... and he had never ever called it the friend-zone, so he was a hero and a goddamn feminist, goddammit! Why he even worked the shitty job at the diner, just like a certain neighbourhood spiderman. Well not exactly like him, but it was the perfect place to blend in and be normal. Nobody would ever look at Jimmy and suspect his secret identity. It was amazing how Beatrice could see right to the core of him just like that. It was like she was his soulmate or something--

Jimmy gave Beatrice his best cocky smile (not very good) and his best bedroom eyes (even worse) and was careful to make his voice a little deeper.

"I've been working out a little, yeah."

"Ooh baby," Beatrice said and rubbed his arm seductively. The old Jimmy would have practically creamed his pants at this kind of touch from the gorgeous angel of a woman in his car, but this was Hero-Jimmy and Hero-Jimmy didn't play that way. Yes he got an instant chubby, but that was just the effect that Beatrice no doubt had on every man around.

"Listen Jimmy," Beatrice continued. "We've known each other for years now right?"

Part of Jimmy wanted to scream at him that he's only just met her not fifteen minutes ago at the side of the road, what the hell was she talking about? But another side was kicking that part of himself in the nuts and forcing into a locker and telling him that of course Beatrice was right! After all, there she was in that memory of college where she'd smiled at him in the dorm room corridors, and she'd sat behind him in two of his classes. In fact if he thought back, he'd known Beatrice longer than that, like back in High School when she'd been the one to tell him to keep it in his pants with Jenny and just be the better guy, and he'd listened because Beatrice was so nice and perfect and she'd let him see her boobs, the first pair of boobs that he had ever seen in real life and they were so prefect--

"Years," Jimmy murmured. "We've known each other for most of our lives. We're like best buds and you're always there for me, the perfect wing-man--"

"Right! And that's because of Bob, your best pal in the whole world, right? I'm Bob's girl and you'd never do anything to hurt Bob, right?"

Beatrice held up a selfie of her and a trapped looking Bob, a Bob who did not look too thrilled to be taking a picture with Beatrice, a Bob who clearly did not appreciate Beatrice. Jimmy felt annoyance at Bob and not more than a little jealous, which wasn't very heroic, but of course he was still human, not perfect, so he was allowed to be a little jealous, right? Maybe Jimmy was a flawed hero...

That was right! That's why he and Beatrice could never be together like that, even though he knew they were perfect for each other. Jimmy was an honourable man even though Bob was a bit of a bastard at times. He could even remember how Bob had always been so cocky in college and high-school, how good-looking he was and how he always seemed to get everything he wanted, especially Beatrice. But he had admired Bob because they'd had such adventures... it's just that he couldn't think of any at the moment...

It's because they never happened you dummy!

"Yeah... Bob. How's he doing? I haven't seen him in a long time. Why hasn't he called me? You know my mom's been sick right? You would think he would have called. Mom always liked Bob. She never liked you though, but you know how she is with blondes."

"What was it she called me again?"

Jimmy didn't even have to think about it.

"Vampire. She called you a vampire. Said I should keep far away from you."

"Well she is right you know. I'm a horrible blood-sucking vampire. Can't fight your mother too much Jimmy. You're a good son, such a goddamn hero."

"You're goddamn right. A goddamn hero is what I am."

"A goddamn hero," Beatrice agreed enthusiastically and she put a hand on Jimmy's leg. He tensed at the touch his first thought that her hand was so close to his touch his junk, his second thought that there was no way he was going to stop her if it's what she wanted, Bob or not. Bob didn't deserve this fine, beautiful woman dammit. Jimmy tried to focus on what she was telling him. "I need you to help me Jimmy. Bob's gotten himself into trouble again and I need you to follow him for me. Can you do that?"

"Of course I can! Of course! What kind of trouble is he in this time? Is it drugs? Is he cheating on you?" Yes that was it wasn't it? She'd finally find out that Bob was no doubt cheating on her and Jimmy was going to get his chance with Beatrice from the way she was looking at him.

Beatrice covered her mouth with her hand,

(laughingsheslaughingatyou)

and Jimmy wondered if he had upset her. He was suddenly desperate to keep her happy, keep her smiling.

"Nothing to worry about Jimmy. You just keep an eye on him for me. I have to go find your friend Claude, so I need to know that you're okay to keep an eye on Bob for me."

They were driving into downtown by this point and Jimmy guided the car onto the offramp that would take them down to Front Street. He glanced over at Beatrice, sure that he had pissed her off.

"Whatever you want Beatrice. I'll keep an eye for him."

"Be my goddamn hero Jimmy, but remember how much Bob means to you. He's always been there for you, remember? You'd kill for him if you had you, right? You'd die for him..."

Jimmy was nodding as the memories came flooding back to him and he felt ashamed that he had ever been so jealous of Bob, after he's been the one who gave him loan to get the new car after his mom had gotten into that accident a year ago. Bob had been there like he always had, always when he was needed. Now it was Jimmy's turn to step up and be the hero because Bob was in trouble and he need him goddamit!.

"I'll be your goddamn hero, I promise. You bet your sweet ass."

Beatrice beamed at him and breathed a deep sigh of relief, her pale blue eyes cutting deep into his soul. He felt a burst of pride and happiness and was glad he could make her happy.

"I'll show you where you'll be able to find him, but you have to just follow. Do not engage and do not let him see you. Be a ghost."

"Like a goddamn ninja!"

"I'm counting on you Jimmy!"

"I love you Beatrice!" Jimmy said and he could feel the tears streaking his face as his will was stripped away, but all he could do was smile because he was flying now, his mind was open and full of love, love for Beatrice and she was the goddamn sun, but he was going to be the best goddamn hero even if it killed him.

###

The effects of glammering on a human.  I realized it was something I had never really explored and was yet so crucial to the vampire mythology.  Let me know what you think, what you hated or what you liked, just leave a comment below.  COMMENT, VOTE & SAHRE!

You can follow Bob's Twitter @bob_the_vampire for more zany happenings (no spoilers) or join the Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/BobTheVampire.

Support the mainstream publishing of SO YOU MIGHT BE A VAMPIRE via the Inkshares Imprint.  250 Orders gets it published. 750 gets an editor assigned and they market the book. Maybe even the BestSeller lists, and you guys can help.  https://www.inkshares.com/projects/so-you-might-be-a-vampire