◤ chapter twelve ▸ dream
families ◢

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     SOMETIMES, TESSA THOUGHT ABOUT her morality. Her mind wandered to the age old question if she was a good person or not. She was corrupted by evil, by the sin in the world, or was she still an innocent flower? She most obviously wasn't the latter, she wasn't pure in the sense of sex nor in the wickedness of the world.

        She had partaken in many sins, she had dated the devil himself, so she was not innocent. Tessa Cormac was no angel, no pure being from above born on earth. Yet, she didn't think that she was a demon either.

        She knew devils. She knew their wickedness and was used as their pawns, she rose through the ranks trying to become one for acceptance once. She knew their evil games and she used to love them, she would feed into their darkness and take some away from them to have for herself. She knew this too.

        But Tessa wasn't either. She was not a truly corrupt human being. Purity had been taken from her in many aspects, she had been corrupted like others who roamed the earth, but she didn't think enough to leave her without goodness. But she wasn't a true good being either.

        She was in between. A mix of an angel and a devil; someone with morality that wanted to help the world but had also helped in the destruction. She had seen devils and she had worshipped them, helped them, but she also knew angels and she adored them. She looked upon them and wanted to join them even if she was too far gone for them.

        But she had no one to guide her. Children usually had their parents leading them down the right path, gently nudging them to take the hand of the angel instead of the devil. They had someone else there to help them, to lead them into the light and not let them stray into the darkness. Tessa, however, did not have that.

        Tessa was left alone, her parents only paying the rent so that she would have somewhere to live and wouldn't go out to look and disturb them. She was left to her own devices, thrown out to find her own course throughout this dilemma without any help from an older being.

        She had friends but they were just like her; strayers. But they had people to reel them and help them, they had older beings to guide them whereas she had nothing. Tessa Cormac had herself the crumbs of her friends. She had to learn from experience and ask herself if she was truly good or if she was the wicked witch of the west.

        But she wanted to be good, and that had to mean something. Even if she did not reflect it in her actions, she wanted that. She wanted to join the angels even if she would never have a place among them.

        She closed her eyes, sinking into the scene happening around her. There was loud music, deafening enough that she wouldn't be able to hear in ten years. There was a can in her hand that she gripped tightly so that no one could take it from her. She didn't trust others enough to relax like that.

        Her back was against the wall and when she opened her eyes, the first thing she saw were two people making out. Diverting her eyes quickly because it was weird to just watch someone or be the person having someone watch you, she couldn't help but think about how she wanted that. Not the quick fucking; but someone kissing her. Making out with her.

        She wanted a relationship. Tessa missed having someone to call her boyfriend, to love forever, and she wanted that again but she didn't know if she would. At least not right now. Tessa could have the sex, the meaningless acts of pleasure that she loved and hated at the same time, but she couldn't have the person. The human being beside her, holding her hand and loving her.

        That would be perfect. The dream of having someone to love her forever, to hold her tight and never abandon her, to kiss her cheek and whisper sweet nothings into her. Who would stay when things went rough, to stay when she made them mad, to stay even though he could leave whenever.

        She wanted that so badly but she knew those were just pipe dreams inside her head. She would never have that again. But she could have the sex, and maybe one day that would begin to fill the void.

        Chugging her beer, she walked into the crowd. She could call Flash, giggle into the phone and tell him to pick her up so that she could bring him back home and ravish him, be ravished herself, but she didn't want that.

        It felt weird to have sex with him since she told Rylie. To see him and know that Rylie didn't like it because she didn't believe that it was strictly sexual between them. Tessa couldn't see herself in a good relationship with Flash, it would never work.

        She needed someone new, a stranger. So she danced and found a guy who was good looking enough. She brought their lips together and he didn't refuse, only kissing her back and then...then it all went blurry. She didn't remember his face or anything about him but she didn't need to.

        It was intoxicating and soon she woke up again in her bed alone. He was gone and she was naked so she fell back against the sheets. The details of the night were a mess but she didn't need them to be clear, this was enough.

        She had gotten what she wanted and therefore she didn't need anything else. Rolling over, she found her phone on the ground and she picked it up, clicking it on to find a text from Flash.

Can I come over?

        It was from last night and guilt pooled inside of her. She was having sex with another guy that she didn't even know and Flash needed her. Flash had texted her and she hadn't even known it. Hadn't even seen his text when she had been catering to her own pleasure. It felt wrong to respond now, during a time when he wouldn't be able to come over anyway.

        But she could text him tonight and make things right. So, she would.

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        "Sorry I didn't get to you last night, I was, um, busy," Tessa apologized to Flash as he walked through the doorway and into her apartment.

        He looked jittery, so incredibly nervous and Tessa felt both confused and sad. They had done this before, there was nothing to be nervous about, but also sad that he still felt so uncomfortable around her. She had thought they had gotten past this, into a comfortable where they trusted each other. Guess she was wrong.

        "It's fine," Flash told her as he went to sit on the couch. She took the seat beside him and looked at him as he sighed, bringing his hair into his hands. "It's just – I need to talk to you."

        Oh. Tessa's heart dripped as she realized what was happening. There were two ways this could go; one, he was ending this because he found someone else and didn't need her anymore. Two, Rylie told him that she knew about their agreement because she had told the girl and now he was mad at her.

        She didn't know which was worse. Probably the anger and yelling. Tessa hated being yelled at.

        "Okay," Tessa nodded, knowing that she couldn't distract him or stall for time. She had just to go through, "What's going on?"

        "I just...I haven't told anyone else this because, well, I don't want them to think anything different from me," Flash began, "And I-I was so scared to say anything. I mean, no one would believe me even if they knew..."

        "Flash," Tessa cut him off, looking at him with concern on her face, "Calm down. Just, breathe. Okay? Now, what do you wanna tell me?"

        He stayed silent for a moment, looking at anything but her before finally sighing. "My dad's going to jail for spousal and child abuse," he finally got out and she froze.

        Oh, no.

        She knew she had seen that look. The understanding, the fear; she knew that he had some connection, some time with abuse and understood exactly what she had been going through. But she hoped she was wrong...she wasn't.

        "Oh my God," Tessa breathed out, mouth agape as she looked at her hands in complete and utter shock before flashing back up at him, "You – you're dad abused you?"

        He nodded and she felt sick. So terribly sick because it had to have been so much worse for him than anything that Caden had done to her. Flash had lived with his abuser, there had been no escape for him like there had been for her.

        "It was always worse for my mom at first. Then...then I started standing up for her and he hit me, started going after my younger sister next," Flash confessed her, "He got caught before and was in jail for a couple years before being let out...but now he's going back."

        "Shit," she muttered, shutting her eyes as she hands clasped together. "Why are you telling me this? Why – you can tell this to Betty. Or – or Rylie. So why me?"

        "Because you understand. You've been through this with Caden, or something similar. But they...they don't know what it's like and I really don't think they'd believe me," Flash told her.

        Tessa frowned. "Why not?" If they were his friends, they would understand. She could get feeling like they would be angry, she thought the same and decided not to tell Rylie about how much she missed being with Caden at times for that anger. But Flash had known them longer, their friendship was better than hers, so why was he so scared?

        "Why would they believe that a bully is being abused?" he rhetorically asked, "I know what I am, I know how I look. Betty would never believe me, that I give others nicknames and knock them down sometimes just because I'm being abused."

        "But isn't there some kinda study that proves that abused kids are more likely to become bullies so that they can feel some control that they don't have at home?" Tessa asked before realizing how it sounded, "Shit, sorry."

        "It's fine," Flash said, though he had to force it out. "I just – there's this kid named Peter –"

        "Wait, Peter Parker?"

        He frowned, "Yeah, why?"

        "My friend, Finn, dated him," she said before scowling, "The fucker broke his heart. Broke up with him because he...never mind."

        Flash blinked at her, obviously wanting to ask about Finn but after seeing her reaction to the topic shook it off. It wasn't his business and if she didn't want to tell him, then he would leave it alone.

        "Well, Peter...he's so smart. Effortlessly and I hate it, you know? Because my dad always compared me to him, always asked why I wasn't better than him, why I wasn't as smart as him. And I just...I couldn't take it. I'm not better than him. I try so fucking hard, I give school my all and it's not enough, so you know, I call him Penis sometimes and I fuck around with him," he paused then.

        Tessa looked at him expectantly but he had to take a break before looking at her again, "So why would they believe me when I tell them that my dad's being put away from child abuse when I do this shit?"

        "Because they're your friends," Tessa answered him, "Because they should believe you and know you better than to lie about something like this to them."

        "But they won't," Flash insisted, "They won't and then I'll be alone."

        "That's not true. I'll still be here even if they leave. I'm your friend, Flash," she gave him a weak smile and he returned it. "You'll never be alone."

        "Thanks," he told her and she nodded.

        "Any time," she said back to him, "You're still here with me even though you know about Caden. Rylie still wants me around after Caden. So I'll do the same for you and so will Rylie. I know she will."

        "Maybe," he said, not believing her any more than that, "Hopefully."

        She nodded. "Hopefully. And hey, if you ever need to talk more about this, I'm always here."

        He looked at her and he smiled, her returning it. She wished that Flash had a dream family, amazing parents who loved and adored him no matter what. Who didn't compare him to other kids but loved him for his own skills and talents.

        It was the wish she had for herself. She would always wish to God for it as she blew out the candles of the cake she bought for herself on her birthday. Always to have her parents, always for them to love her unconditionally and never leave. But now she wanted that for Flash.

        It was worse for him to be abused by his father than her to be left alone. At least her parents never continually hurt her every day by their constant actions. At least they left her alone and didn't tease her by dropping in and out and pretending that they would stay forever.

        But she would stay with Flash for as long as he needed, until he abandoned her like everyone else. She would stay as long as he needed her around, and maybe that could be forever. In a dream, she supposed, always in a dream.