◤ chapter nineteen ▸ the idea of him ◢

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         ONCE UPON A TIME, Tessa thought of herself as a princess – a damsel in distress waiting for her knight in shining armor to come and rescue her. She watched the princess movies and dreamed of living in a castle as beautiful as theirs, to have a doting prince by her side who was always there to help her and rescue her. She thought of how he would whisk her away from her sad apartment where she lived alone and transported her to a large castle with a beautiful garden, his parents – the king and queen – there to replace her own, and servants to dote upon her and comply to her every wish.

Then, she wouldn't be the sad brunette child from apartment B12 but a beautiful princess who would never be alone again. She imagined herself talking to the animals, going to the large balls in the finest dream with pixie dust flowing from it, a tiara on her head. And when she met Caden, she imagined his face as the one upon her prince's. Her own knight in shining armor, even if he didn't bring her into a large castle.

She dreamed of being apart of a fairy tale, of having the happiest ending anyone could achieve, and never being sad every again. She wouldn't cry again because there would be no reason for her tears – she wouldn't be lonely again because there would always be someone there for her. Tessa Cormac would be a beautiful princess with a graceful smile always present on her face; she would be the queen they talked about for centuries, her name never fading into the stars.

But when she placed Caden's face upon her prince's and their little fairy tale turned into a horror movie, so did her dreams. It was a call to reality, the final reminder that she would never be apart of this wondrous dream with a beautiful castle and the finest gowns one could buy; she was just Tessa Cormac, the brunette turned blonde, the sad girl turned sad teenager.

Happy endings didn't exist for her. She was a force of destruction; she was an attraction to it, and everything around her always got bit by the flames. For Tessa, there were so many goodbyes but not as many hellos. There was the dream of a princess without the reality, and she could never be that happy queen in her dreams.

Tessa drank her hot cup of coffee, not caring that it was burning her throat in the process, and avoided making eye contact with Rylie who was across from her. She knew that her eyes were still puffy from all the crying and sobbing she had done the night before in the girl's arm, not clearly explaining why she was crying so heavily because she didn't want to talk about it; she just needed someone to hold her.

It was a selfish thing to ask, she knew that, and while she didn't like to think of herself as selfish – she would give away anything from her friends – she was. At least, in this moment, she was so selfish, calling upon Rylie in the state of their relationship because she just needed someone there. Anyone.

But her options were limited, seeing as her best friend was in juvie, her fling was the center of all her crying, and she didn't exactly have any other friends besides Rylie who she wasn't currently speaking with. So, she had to go with Rylie and she felt bad for dragging her into this even though they weren't exactly speaking but she just really needed someone last night.

But Rylie's eyes were trained upon her, like a predator stalking its prey, and they wouldn't go away. Eventually, she had no choice but to look up and face the music; to give Rylie the explanation she wanted but was kind enough not to force out of her. Well, she knew she didn't owe the girl anything, but she felt like she did considering the circumstance between them.

"You alright?" Rylie asked her sympathetically when she did lift her head to meet the Jacobs' girl's eyes.

Tessa nodded, though she wasn't exactly sure if that was the truth. She was so incredibly happy for Flash; he was finding someone who could mend his soul and help him move on from his past, but at the same time, Tessa was losing her connection to him. This was the person who knew what she had been through and held her gently, never pushing her because of it; because he understood. How was she supposed to find someone else who understood just as well as he did?

She wanted Flash, but at the same time, she didn't. She was in love with the idea of him, in love with his gentle touches and never commanding persona around her. She wanted the image that she fell her, wanted that version to become reality for her. But Flash was not just an idea; he was a person, and not the one for her. She loved him, in every sense she could love a friend, and she craved the intimacy they shared with the image she loved so very much.

Flash was a burning supernova in her eyes; whereas Finn was a star, burning forever, Flash was an explosion. One day the spark would explode and leave behind so much dust – maybe this was the explosion. He was quick, fleeting, and not a forever in her life. Temporary for her, but not others.

"Yeah," Tessa answered. Because she was happy for him, she was, and she could move on as well. Caden was a burnt part of her past, a mistake, and Flash was the flower that bloomed over the grave. But she didn't have to stay in the cemetery, she could move to the park and find someone much lovelier for herself. "It's just...well..."

"It's about Flash, isn't it?" Rylie finished up for her when she couldn't find the right words. Tessa blinked before nodding and Rylie's eyes flashed more sympathy for her. "Betty told me that he and Sabrina Montgomery were going on a date."

Tessa swallowed.

This was the center of her sobbing; him going on a date. Him finding happiness and moving past his tragedies so much quicker than her. She wanted to leave the cemetery but she was stuck, trapped, and yet he was free. He left; he was leaving, and her foot was still caught in the grave.

"He called me last night to tell me about it," Tessa told her, "End our arrangement and everything because of her."

"I'm sorry."

Tessa shook her head, "You shouldn't be. I'm happy for him, really."

Rylie raised an eyebrow at her. "You spent the night crying into my shoulder, I don't think that means you're overjoyed," she disagreed.

This was the thing; she was right, yet so wrong. Tessa was over the moon that Flash was healing and not letting his father define who he was anymore, not letting him have an influence and going past that, but at the same time she wasn't ready to do the same. She still wanted the life that Caden gave her; she still wanted the parties, and because of that her foot was still caught in the terrible grave. She could never escape it, and she wanted to selfishly drag him down with her.

But that wasn't right. She loved Flash, he was her friend, and he was moving on to something better than her. Better than anything she could give him, and that was better than alright. That was what she had always wanted for him, but it also meant giving him up and being locked in the cemetery alone.

"I want him to stay with him and have him, but it's not good for either of us," Tessa said, "We're not good for each other because we bond over bad past experiences and because of that, we can't move on together. I'm so fucked up in relationships – I mean, with Caden and with my parents...I don't know what a healthy, real relationship looks like and I can't be with him. I just – I can't."

Rylie nodded, "But if you could, would you?"

That struck Tessa, stunning her. She had never thought about, if she took away Caden and Flash's dad, they could really be together. In another universe, in a different life.

But eventually, all she could do was shake her head. "I love him as a friend, and I love the idea of him – I love his qualities, but I could never be in love with him. We just, we don't connect in a proper way and if you took away everything that held us together, there would be no glue between us."

"It's alright to be upset," Rylie eventually said after a beat of silence, "You don't have to smile and pretend that you're happy with everything."

Tessa smiled at her, a weak one but it was still there, and let out a sigh. "I know, but I like the validation. Thanks."

"Anytime," Rylie said to her sincerely, "I'm always here for you, no matter what. You're my friend."

"Even though I'm a fucking mess who ruins everything they touch?" Tessa asked her.

Rylie gave her a pointed look. "You don't ruin everything you touch; you haven't ruined Flash. I mean, like, you could, couldn't you? Isn't that a possibility? But you're letting him go and not ruining him. And you haven't ruined me either."

Tessa frowned, "But I lied to you, I kept secrets from you."

The blue-haired girl nodded. "You have, there's no point in sugar coating it, but doesn't everyone? I think I overvalued myself in our relationship because you're my best friend, and I'm just not yours. So it hurts, but I'm processing it and I'm alright. You didn't ruin our friendship."

It felt like a plunge to her heart to hear who Rylie so downplayed her existence in Tessa's life. She could never overvalue herself; she was so important in bringing Tessa back together after the trial had left her broken, how could she see herself otherwise? Rylie was her friend, one of her best friends, and she was up there in the stars with Finn – she was an angel just the same.

"You are my best friend – I can have multiple, and you're one of them out of two," Tessa frowned, "You didn't – I love you, I just, I'm so fucking scared of ruining everything that I do it anyway."

Rylie smiled at her. "Yeah, I love you too," she said, "And it's because I love you that I need you to know that you don't ruin everything, so stop being scared that you will and just let go, alright?"

She didn't think she could. She had held onto this fear for so long, it was what kept her so silent some nights with Caden, why she never spoke up, why she never questioned him. She was so terribly frightened that if she asked one too many questions he would leave her in the dust and she would have no one by her side. She would be alone forever because he made her feel so utterly worthless that no one else could ever love her besides him.

She wanted to let go of the feeling, because maybe it would be like lessening the grip Caden had gained on her life. Even though he wasn't present, he was always there, always manipulating her actions. She thought she had freed herself from him, but he was still there. He still held her by the foot even in the grave, chaining her to him and all that he had done to her.

But still, she nodded, and she relaxed her shoulders. Maybe she had been viewing it the wrong way; she had been so caught up with the notion that because she and Flash suffered abuse, they were in the cemetery together, but now he was freed because of Sabrina; someone close to him who had the keys to let him out. But what if she had the keys herself this whole time? What if she could free herself?

All she had to do was let go; all she had to do was move on. She couldn't keep holding onto people, clinging onto them and their approval of her, she couldn't keep freezing up and stopping herself from being honest and open because it would wreck relationships.

And while she wasn't anywhere close to leave the graveyard, she took the key in her hands and began to unchain her leg from Caden.