◤ chapter fifteen ▸ judgement calls ◢

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MOVING ON WAS A slow process for her. In some ways, it was almost instantaneous. Where she lost friends, she gained them so quickly sometimes it was like she had never felt alone at all. Where she felt confident in her decisions, she was also so completely insecure. Where she was braving the past and embracing the future, sometimes she could only crawl into a ball and wish for those times back. Wish for her life back and the friends that were there.

         Letting go was hard when all she wanted to do was cling onto parts of her past, even though she knew in doing this she would never be able to really be present in the now – become a different, better person. Because she was different. The new Tessa Cormac wasn't a big drinker and she didn't let herself be nothing, she embraced her flaws and allowed herself to be loved and knew that she deserved it instead of being graced with it.

         The new Tessa Cormac cared about the future, wished for it. The old version of herself never thought she would get anywhere so she didn't strive for it. Never paid attention with class, didn't do her work, it was really a wonder that she even passed her classes. She was content with being a lowlife forever, a forgotten shadow that nobody would look twice at. All they would say was that it was a shame someone so beautiful never amounted to anything – no one would never comment that she ever had potential.

         And those were the things she wanted to leave behind. She wanted to be someone, to prove to everyone who thought that she was nothing that she was truly everything. She wanted to be big – wanted to be known, amount to something. Her life wasn't just drinking the days away anymore; they were living them and creating memories, having friends surrounding her and not turning from her past, but looking and learning from it.

         But there were still things that she couldn't leave behind, people and actions that she wanted to cling onto. Tessa couldn't leave Finn in the past, she couldn't forget about him and leave him behind so that she could further herself – he meant more than that. He was her best friend, the first person to love her without berating, unconditionally. She didn't have to be in his good graces for him to love her; he just did.

         He was her knight in shining armor in many ways and she couldn't just discard him so that she can fully take on the potential of the present. That was unfair, for her to move on while he was stuck in juvie because of what her ex-boyfriend did. He deserved more than that and she couldn't just leave him.

         And she couldn't leave her longing for something more, for an emotional connection with someone like she had with Caden. She wanted him back in so many ways and wanted him gone in so many more. She wanted to have someone there for her, someone she could just be with and who loved her. Even if it was fake, even if it was never real for a moment, it felt real for her at times and she wanted that again. She wanted him back again, but she couldn't have him. She couldn't do that to herself again.

         Her life was better, but at the same time, still stuck in the past. Her apartment was still the same, her room was still covered with magazine clippings that she had taken out when she was a preteen who wanted to decorate her space. The master bedroom was still unopened, as it had been for so many years. The water pressure still left much to be desired and the floorboards still creaked all around the place and half the time the sink faucet didn't produce any water.

         Even though she was mentally in a different place, her physical world stayed the same. And at times, it felt like she hadn't changed at all – that was still Tessa Cormac, the fake blonde in a bad situation that she couldn't bring herself to leave. Because, as Caden said, she was weak and could never just muster enough strength just to go.

         "You should do a face mask at least once a week," Rylie said, applying the sticky substance to her cheeks. "It really helps with acne and gives a great glow."

         "I have plenty of face cleansers, thanks," Tessa said jokingly, though with a smile as she also applied the substance.

         Rylie rolled her eyes, "Those can only go so far. Plus, face masks are fun and allow you to relax. You know, just taking me time and everything."

         "Doesn't me time imply that I'm alone and not with another human being?" Tessa questioned. At Rylie's huff, she giggled, unable to contain herself.

         "You're insufferable," Rylie declared, washing her hands once she was done applying the goo to her whole face, "I really don't know why I put up with you."

         If it were Caden who said those words, she would've been struck with fear and insecurity. She would've done anything to share that she was worth his time because he always told her to be grateful that he had taken her in and loved her – that his love had to be earned and yet he was so freely giving it to her. She would've cried herself to sleep that night, berating herself for talking back or whatever she had done to initiate that reaction from him, never wanting to disappoint.

         But this wasn't Caden and it had been months; she was healing mentally from his scars. This was Rylie and she was joking because Rylie would never mean such a rude thing to her. Rylie wasn't even annoyed at her questions and comments, Rylie loved her because they were friends. So Tessa laughed, she laughed along with the joke because that's all it was; a joke, and she knew that. She wasn't hit with fear or disappointment in herself; she felt good.

         "Because you love me," Tessa said in a funny move, puckering her lips before breaking out into a large grin (which was probably the wrong move while wearing the face mask) and laughing, which Rylie joined her in after only seconds.

         "Whatever," Rylie dismissed once they were finished laughing, "Oh, so Betty wants to go to the movie theatre this weekend, you in?"

         "Uh, yeah? Of course I'm in!" Tessa replied, rolling her eyes. There was no question that she wanted to hang out with them, these were her friends.

         "Thought so, just wanted to make sure before I definitively said anything to her," Rylie said, "Also I have a date on Thursday."

         "What?" Tessa shrieked, "Why didn't you tell me that you were seeing someone?"

         Rylie rolled her eyes, "That's because I'm not. This is our first date and we were only kinda friends before. Like, more acquaintances really until we met up again at Atlas' party like a month or so ago."

         "And I didn't know about him?" Tessa asked.

         "Well, it wasn't really leading anymore. We were just being friendly and when things got flirty, I didn't wanna say anything unless I jinxed it. And, like, he's the party type and I wasn't sure if it was just a casual flirt thing or if he actually liked me," Rylie explained, "But I guess he really likes me, so..."

         "I'm so happy for you!" Tessa said, wrapping her up in a hug before squealing.

         Rylie laughed but joined in on her excitement, "Okay, okay, but it's not a big deal. He might still be a guy who just wants to fuck."

         "Then why is he asking you on a date?" Tessa asked her, "If he wanted to bang, he'd just ask, but he's asking you out – that has to mean something."

         Rylie tried to stay expressionless, but a smile broke through, "Yeah, I really want it to be an actual date. He's been so cute and sweet and I'd hate if it was all just a ploy to get in my pants."

         "Well, let's hope for the best," Tessa said optimistically, "If you really think he's that great, he has to be."

         Rylie brightened at the compliment. "He's taking me to Olive Garden, but I don't know anything else," she mentioned.

         "Ooh la la, how fancy," Tessa teased, giggling when Rylie hit her arm lightly and blushed, "But you still haven't told me his name."

         "Oh, right. His name's Colton – Colton Pride. He goes to Midtown but we were never close. I mean, it's a big school so of course I wasn't going to know everyone there, but like, I knew of him and I guess he knew of me," Rylie then snorted, "I mean, I did dye my hair and get expelled, so it kinda causes a scene."

         "Kinda?"

         "So it causes a big, gigantic scene – whatever," Rylie rolled her eyes as she corrected herself, "And, like, we went to the same parties – he's friends with Atlas and everything and huge alcoholic in the making, kinda, but I guess it's fine for now. He's just really sweet and I don't wanna mess anything up."

         Tessa softened, reaching over to hold Rylie's hand, "You're not gonna mess anything up. I mean, I get it. I was always so scared to mess things up when I was with Caden. In the beginning it was because I didn't wanna be alone. Caden gave me Finn and all my other friends, without him I knew I'd be alone again. And as our relationship continued...well, the reason changed."

         Rylie frowned, eyebrows furrowing. She turned to better look at Tessa. "Wait – you met Finn through Caden?"

         She froze. She didn't mean to say that, to give anything away about Finn because while she looked and saw an angel in Finn, pure white wings and a halo on his head, others looked at him and saw a drug dealer, a stoner, a bad guy. So she never said anything about him because she didn't want Rylie to think badly of him, to reprimand her for having a drug dealer of a best friend.

         But she was already caught. There was no turning back, no taking back her words, so she just nodded carefully. "Yeah," her voice cracked, "Finn used to be friends with Caden, it's how we met. But, well, obviously their friendship ended."

         "Right," Rylie said, still staring intently at her, "Tessa, what exactly happened to Finn? Where is he?"

         Tessa looked at her guiltily. This was what she always feared; telling the truth. Because she loved Finn, he was her best friend and her number one – he came before anyone else in the whole world. She would die for him because he had already saved her on so many occasions. He was utter perfection in this world and she never wanted anyone to think ill of him because he was the best person Tessa had ever encountered.

         And Rylie saw the world differently. She hadn't been through what Tessa had. She looked at Caden and could only be disgusted, she didn't know the hurt and anguish, she didn't know who he used to be – who he could pretend to be. She didn't know the memories, wasn't as accepting. Rylie would see Finn so badly, she would look at see someone who deserved to rot but that wasn't him.

         That wasn't him but she would never know that. Not until she met him and grew to love him the same way Tessa did. But her judgement would cloud her perception of him; she would see him as an ex-drug dealer, she was see him awfully and Tessa didn't want that. And she knew that it was wrong to think so ill of Rylie, the girl was her friend, but she knew this was in the truth.

         "In juvie," Tessa confessed, watching as disgust and anger took over Rylie's features, "But it's because Caden framed him – Finn hadn't done anything wrong. He shouldn't be in there."

         Rylie remained quiet, looking down at her hands instead of at Tessa and she grew guiltier. Then, "Your friend is in juvie and you didn't tell him?"

         "Well, we met like the day after he was sentenced," Tessa explained, "It was just too fresh, and I didn't – I didn't wanna talk about it or even think about it. I felt so guilty because it was my boyfriend who put him in there and then Caden tried to twist the situation and say that he was doing this for us."

         "But why? How did Caden's plan work? Why – What was he covering up?" Rylie spat out the questions.

         Tessa sighed, "Caden's a drug dealer – like I told you before. And-And Finn used to be, but he stopped months before he was arrested. Then Caden was arrested but offered a bargain; he rat out like five guys and he wouldn't see a day in juvie. He threw in Finn's name and because of his last arrest...he was put in juvie."

         Rylie huffed out a small laughter, "Figures that he used to be a drug dealer."

         "That was my life. I partied, I drank, I did pot. Those were my friends. But Finn grew out of it, he got clean and got a new job. He was starting a new life and our friendship grew more real. Finn became my best friend and he tried to help me so much...I just, I never took the help because I thought I loved Caden and that he loved me and I didn't wanna leave. I didn't wanna feel like I was nothing again like I did before I met Caden, so I stayed," Tessa swallowed.

         "Finn never made me feel like I was nothing. He made me feel so loved and appreciated. He-He put up with me when I said that I wasn't being abused and my relationship was fine and he was always there for me. And I repaid him by being the girlfriend of the reason he's in juvie, but he still forgives me. I love him and I was scared about what you would think of him if you knew who he used to be,"

         Rylie stayed silent after her confession, though her eyes were painted with hurt about her assessment. It made Tessa feel even worse about keeping the secret.

         "You thought I would hate Finn for his past," Rylie stated, not accusatory but definitely not void of pain, "You-You assumed that I would never like him."

         "It's nothing against you – you just view anyone who's friends with Caden as the devil and Finn used to be that," Tessa rushed to explain herself.

         "Yeah, because he's a dick and so are his friends, but you could've just told me the truth before. I don't think Finn's a bad person, and – and I never would have. I never did," Rylie said, "But you still thought that and-and you were still my friend. How?"

         Tessa nodded, "Of course I'm still your friend. I know that you care about me and you think that because of what he did to me. It's your way of showing that you really care but I was scared that it would go so far to also hate Finn and I just – I wouldn't be able to bear that."

         Rylie swallowed before nodding, "I think – I think you need to wash off your facemask and leave. I need some time alone."

         "Rylie, please, don't do this," Tessa pleaded, "Look, I'm sorry for assuming this, but please don't. Finn's my friend but so are you. I didn't want you to be hurt and think differently of me for having a drug dealer as my best friend."

         "I didn't think of you differently after learning about Caden," Rylie defended herself.

         Tessa nodded, agreeing. "No, you didn't, you're right. And I should've have assumed that you'd hate Finn. I'm sorry, just please forgive me."

         "I need some time, Tess, I just – I need to think," Rylie told her again and this time, Tessa just sighed before nodding.

         She stood up and went to the bathroom, looking sadly at Rylie who was pointedly not looking at her before washing the mask off. When she went to the living room, passing through to the front door she said, "I really am sorry," but didn't receive a response. At that, she left the apartment, tearing up as she walked away from Rylie.

authors note

Hi, I just want to explain why this is such a big deal. I know it may seem like "oh, Tessa didn't tell her the truth about this thing, why is Rylie getting so mad?" but it's not that Tessa didn't tell her, it's about how Tessa didn't trust her or her reaction. Rylie feels like Tessa doesn't trust her and thinks of her as a bad person and is hurt by that because that's not who she is. She's hurt that Tessa thought she would instantly hate someone because of who they used to be instead of seeing past that and that hurts when it happens. So of course she's upset and needs some time so don't go hating Rylie.

But don't go hating Tessa either. Yes, what she did was wrong but not trusting her friend, but you have to understand that she met Rylie right after losing Finn so of course she didn't want to spill it all so soon. And then she got to know Rylie and was scared about her reaction because Tessa loves Finn more than anything and would do anything for him; she doesn't want another friend of hers hating him, that would kill her. So she didn't say anything because she was scared of the reaction.