◤ chapter seventeen ▸ liquor lips ◢

━━━━━━━ ✧ ━━━━━━━

         DROWNING HER SORROWS WITH a red solo cup full of beer, Tessa moved around the house with bags under her eyes and a resting bitch face so that no one would dare to approach her. She was not in the mood to fuck and forget; she just wanted to drink, to sip at her terrible, cheap beer in the cup and watch all the happy people. Or, probably more correct, the unhappy people who were trying to mask that with alcohol and dancing.

Not that she was judging them, she was one of these people, and if it were any other day she would masking her pain in the same format, but today she just didn't want to lock lips, taste the liquor, and go home with a stranger she would never see again. It wasn't because she thought she was above that, God no, she was dirt in the hierarchy, but she just didn't want a meaningless relationship.

Tessa had tried that; she had done that and it sucked. Feelings sucked. They were confusing and vague, yet so intense and drowning, and sometimes she wanted the nothingness of a stranger – a blank slate – but right now all she wanted was a friend to hold her as she cried because she knew she could trust them. She wanted friendship, nothing else.

It was sad to say that she didn't have many friends. Really, right now she had Finn (who wasn't there), Rylie (who wasn't speaking to her), and Flash. There was Betty and she supposed that they were friends, but not really. They didn't hang out alone and Betty never texted her; Betty only talked to her when they all met up as a group. And that was fine with her, Tessa didn't need a lot of friends, she just needed some more that were there.

And she wasn't blaming Finn or Rylie. Finn didn't have a choice in the matter, he was locked away and she knew that if he had a choice he would be there right by her side always, so she wasn't bitter about him not hanging out with her. And Rylie was her fault; she's the one that lied, who kept a secret, who didn't trust her. It reminded her of Caden, how he kept secrets about other girls and relationships, and even though she wasn't cheating on Rylie, it still almost felt that way.

That same stinging betrayal which made her want to cry. Because she felt like a horrible friend for not saying something sooner, for telling Flash before her when she had known Rylie longer. When Rylie was her best friend and Flash was her fuckbuddy which she was sure she was going to end soon.

Tessa knew that even if she wasn't sleeping with Flash anymore, he would still be around. They would still hang out and talk about their traumas and watch romantic comedies while laughing about the ridiculousness of them, but it wouldn't be the same. She wouldn't be able to reach over and grab his hand so carelessly, wouldn't be able to kiss him just because she felt like it, or call him at night when she was lonely or bored.

It would be better for him, she knew that, because Flash would have someone who was a million times better than she could ever be for him. Sabrina – this girl – would hold him, help him, and recreate him into a better man. She would teach him the ways of a healthy relationship that Tessa didn't know, and she would truly kiss him because she loved him and hold him close to her and never let go.

He would be better off, and she would just have to find someone else. But she didn't want someone else. She felt so selfish to admit it, but she didn't want to start a new relationship with someone who would either keep it to just sex or want a true relationship with her, because she wasn't ready for another emotional fuck buddy or a true boyfriend.

Tessa didn't want a relationship, that was too much commitment and she was terrified that it would trap her in the same place she was before and this time she wouldn't be able to leave, that this time it would hold her captive forever. And she didn't want just sex; someone who would leave without care after they finished and only saw her as a sort of relief.

She thought she wanted that before but then feelings got involved between her and Flash and she liked him. Because it wasn't just sex; it was friendship and more. It was something beautiful and chaotic and she loved every minute of it but it was going to be over.

He wouldn't need her anymore and the relationship would change and morph into something that would only hurt her. Tessa wanted so desperately to be selfish and tell him that Sabrina would never love him, to manipulate him the same way Caden used to do with her, but that was wrong. She knew that was wrong and the guilt would eat her alive if she tried to do that.

She couldn't deprive Flash of happiness just because it hurt her. She had to let him go and be happy and find someone else. She'd be alright; she always was.

So instead, she sipped at her drink and watched all the people pretending that they were so happy to be alive. It was entertaining, if anything else. With them here as distractions she didn't have time to feel bad for herself or moan about how she was going to be left alone. Instead, she could watch as people kissed and danced and lost themselves as they drank way too much because it was fun and she didn't feel connected to her own life anymore. She felt almost free, yet so terribly chained still.

"Hey, blondie," she heard beside her, a yell over the music. She turned to see a guy looking at her and smiling, "Wanna dance?"

She shook her head. "Nah, I'm good," she yelled back at him, watching the guy shrug before asking another girl who agreed and pulled him close to her.

Tessa almost scolded herself for saying no when obviously it could be another distraction, but she didn't. it wasn't right; it wasn't what she wanted and then it would lead to somewhere she didn't want to go. And she knew she could say no later, but she would rather stop it right in its tracks.

And suddenly, the music was becoming too loud and the dancing that was once memorizing was now a dull and the beer on her lips wasn't so intoxicating. She sighed before leaving, going outside in the back and just squeezing her eyes shut.

She didn't want to forget, didn't want to distract herself, she just wanted a friend. She just wanted someone who was there to hold her and hear her cry, who she could complain to and talk to without boundaries but they were always there. She fucked up and now she had no one like that; she was the fuck up.

"Fuck," she swore to herself, wishing that the guilt pumping through her veins would stop and she could just feel good about herself. She wished that she could go back inside and dance without a care and not feel so lonely and stupid for ruining everything good in her life.

"Hey," a soft voice came up from behind her, causing her to suck in a breath and jump out of her skin for a second. "Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."

Tessa looked behind her and was almost at a loss for words. "Rylie?" she asked, hoping that it wasn't just a cruel dream but the real girl.

The girl offered her a smile. "Yeah, it's me," she said, "I saw you come outside so I, um, I followed you out."

"Oh," Tessa said, knowing not what to say or what to do. She wanted to plead and apologize but she also wanted to turn and walk away. Because then they wouldn't have to talk and maybe Rylie wouldn't yell and cry and feel so betrayed again and it would maybe be fine.

Rylie didn't respond right away as she walked further down and sat on the stairs, beckoning for Tessa to do the same. She did, taking a seat right next to the Jacobs girl and staring in front of her so that she didn't have to make eye contact.

"So, how've you been?" Rylie asked her, awkward silence surrounding them that never seemed so suffocating before now.

"Okay," Tessa told her because she didn't know anything else to say. She couldn't come out and tell her that she cried herself to sleep and that she threw a pillow against the wall out of fury, or how she was dying inside because Flash was leaving her and she couldn't handle it even though they were never actually together in the first place. Couldn't tell her that she was just dying on the inside at all times because her life was in shambles and she had no one to turn to because that was too much and she wasn't sure where she stood with Rylie.

"That's good," Rylie nodded, "I've just been thinking about everything lately. It just...I was so hurt, you know? You're my best friend and I've told you, like, everything about me but you never said anything to me? It hurt me a lot to know what you thought of me and why you never said anything."

Tessa turned away, blonde hair becoming a barrier between her and Rylie.

"I know that I've been vocal about my hatred to Caden and that's because he's an asshole who hurt you. You're my friend and he abused you – of course I'm going to hate him and his friends. But Finn didn't hurt so you so why did you think I wouldn't like him? I don't care about the drug dealing, so what, that was never what this was about."

"Finn was friends with Caden," Tessa interrupted her, "You hate all his friends and Finn used to be one of them."

Rylie scoffed, "Yeah, but the way you said he got locked up it doesn't sound like they were friends at all then. But it's just...you didn't trust me. I trusted you with so much and you couldn't do the same and it really fucking hurt me, alright?"

"And I never meant to hurt you. I was just protecting me because I always will," Tessa told her.

"But in the process of doing that, you did hurt me," Rylie reminded her.

"Well, I'm sorry, alright? That was never how it was supposed to go. I didn't tell you at first because it was fresh and I couldn't handle it. Then as time went on, you just talked so much shit on Caden and everyone he ever used to hang out with that I got scared. Finn's my best friend ever, he helped me through so much shit and never judged me for not leaving Caden sooner, and now you're my friend and I couldn't handle you ever hating him," Tessa explained herself in a fast fury.

She already felt terrible and miserable and now she felt worse and taking a sip of her beer wasn't helping any.

"You explaining yourself doesn't make me feel any less hurt," Rylie told her.

Tessa sighed, "I know but I just...I want you to know why I did it. I need you to know why."

"I'm still not over it," Rylie told her then, "I'm still hurt and trying to figure out everything."

Those were not the words she wanted to hear. Tessa wanted to hear a miraculous it's okay, we're fine nowbut that's not how life worked. It took time to heal wounds and this one needed just a bit more.

"Then why are you here?" Tessa asked her, finally looking into her eyes, "Why are you torturing me by sitting here and talking about all this shit when I could be getting drunk."

Rylie's eyes flashed hurt from the harsh questions. "Because you're still my friend," she said painfully, as if it were obvious, "And I still care about you no matter what. We're working through something but that doesn't mean I'm gonna let you wallow and sit by yourself when I'm here. But if you wanna be alone, I can leave."

Rylie stood to move up but Tessa stopped her by grabbing her arm. "No, please," she willed herself to say, looking into Rylie's eyes hoping to convey her message. "We don't have to talk, I just...I really don't wanna be alone right now."

She didn't say anything, but she nodded and sat down, and Tessa didn't feel as miserable as she had before.