◤ chapter twenty ▸ letting go ◢

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CLOSURE – THAT WAS ALL she needed to move on from Flash and focus on herself. There would never be closure from Caden, she knew that, he was the core of all her insecurities and doubts, the mold of herself with all the aspects of things she hated or grew to hate. There would be no talk with him that would lead her to feel better about herself, so there would never be closure, but at least she could have some with Flash.

         She had to admit that she hadn't had a lot of closure for many things in her life. When her parents left, there was nothing. She went to school and when she got back, they were gone. No note, no call, no nothing. She didn't even think anything of it for the first week until a letter came with money for all her expenses. That was when she cracked; that was when she realized they were gone for good.

         Ever since then, she hadn't seen her parents and all letters they sent only included money – nothing else. They never called even when she sent her phone number to them, never texted, never emailed. All these waves of communication they never used because they didn't care. Little Tessa Cormac of 12B was all alone, no one to hold her at night, to spray away the monster under the bed, or to congratulate her on any of her accomplishments. Not that she had many anyway.

         But she needed now, because she could have it. She wasn't sure how she would feel when she gained it, if it would be a weight lifting from her chest as she truly let him go and moved on, or if the same feeling she had right now would stay forever. They were fleeting; they were gone. Hers for now but not forever; not even now anymore. He belong to someone else, not her.

         Then again, did he ever belong to her?

         Did she ever belong to him?

         They were dynamite; quick exploding and gone so fast. They were never theirs to keep, never truly together. They were brought and bound for some time but the chains were gone and they were separated. Tessa didn't have Flash anymore, but now she was questioning if she ever had him at all.

         Tessa brought the cigarette to her lips, looking around the park at the other families. They looked so happy; the shiny figures of the trademark family, perfect in every way on the surface but so terribly rotten underneath. Still, they looked happy. Tessa remembered when she was the paper figure like them, the happy child giggling with her parents, brunette hair fleeing in the wind, nothing bringing her down from cloud nine.

         She remembered coming here with them, swinging from their hands, having her father throw her up in the air before catching her. She could remember coming and sharing this place with Caden two months into their relationship when she thought she had found her forever, when she expected that they would get married, have their own family, and grew old and grey together. It was a beautiful dream at the time.

         The dream faded, though, and she was left peering onto the paper families with bitterness wishing she was them again. If only she could go back and time and make her parents stay this time.

         "Hey," Flash announced his presence, sitting beside her on the bench, "What did you wanna talk about?"

         She blew out smoke, turning to him and looking at his face for one last time. It was beautiful, it was something she could chase after, but she couldn't. She wouldn't. "Just wanted to talk."

         Flash snorted, "At a park? We have never hung out at a park before, so if you just wanted to talk we'd go to that diner place you keep talking about or something."

         Apple's Eye Diner. The thought of the building make her chest heart, remembering how Finn used to bring her milkshakes and she would cry over Caden prompting him to comfort her. She hadn't been there since before Finn got arrested. It hurt her too much to even think about stepping foot into that building knowing that Finn wasn't going to be there with his smile, his annoyance at work, and calming presence. She couldn't bare it.

         "My parents used to bring me here," Tessa told him, "Every Saturday during summer we'd have a picnic here. It's some of my favorite memories with them. And I brought Caden here. You know, I used to fantasize about doing the same thing with our kids."

         She huffed out a laugh at the thought, the ridiculousness of her to believe that Caden would last that long, to think he was forever. To think he was her prince in shining armor, that he was her savior. He was her destruction, but she was phoenix; he could never kill her.

         "And now I wanted to bring you here," Tessa finished.

         Flash frowned, "Why?"

         "To say goodbye," she answered him. Maybe she couldn't face her parents head on, maybe she couldn't have the conversation she wanted with them, couldn't yell at them and ask them why, ask why she was never enough for them...maybe she couldn't do that, she could say goodbye to all her past pains here with their memories and Caden's, merging them with Flash's, and move on.

         This was where she would place them, so she could leave them in the past, and focus on herself instead of them.

         "Goodbye?" Flash questioned, "Wait – you aren't leaving, are you? And-And you're not ending our friendship just because we aren't sleeping together anymore, right?"

         Tessa laughed. "Of course not, you mean more to me than that," she told him honestly, "But I think we do need to say goodbye to that part of us. At least, I need to."

         Flash peered at her, confusion written over his features, and she shrugged. "I haven't really gotten closure with anyone else," she told him, "I mean, it's not like I can just call up Caden to talk about us and then end it pleasantly. It's not realistic."

         "So you're left with me," Flash concluded and she nodded.

         "Yeah," she repeated, "I just wanna say goodbye."

         "Alright," he agreed to her easily, looking at her face on, "Do we need to give an eulogy or something?"

         Tessa laughed again, this time fuller and more authentic. She was happy, she was, she just needed so say goodbye. "No, I don't think we need that. I just – I wanted to thank you. I mean, I know we didn't have a conventional relationship, but it helped me. You helped me process things and get through all the shit Caden did to me and you never judged me. So, thanks."

         "Of course, I'd never judge you," Flash told her before sighing, "And, well, you did the same for me. I mean, you're the only one who knows all the shit with my dad and it's nice to talk to someone who understands. Glad it's you."

         Tessa smiled at him. "Thank you for always being there when I needed you."

         "Same to you."

         "And I hope that Sabrina will be everything I can't," Tessa said, "I love you, Flash, but I don't think for a moment that I could be in love with you. We're too similar, I don't know how to be in a healthy relationship and even if I did, I don't think I ever could right now. But you deserve that happiness; you deserve someone who teaches you how to be that. I can't. I never could. I've put all my value into Caden and I can't do that again with someone else, even if I think they'd never use it against me like him.

         "I need to focus on myself now, I need to truly confront all my fears and insecurities instead of pushing them aside, and you need someone who can focus on you. It's good that we're ending this, we don't need it anymore," Tessa then paused, "But I'm glad that we're still friends. I love you and I don't know what I'd do if I lost you. I still need you around."

         Flash looked at her, sadness coming from him though he didn't apologize to her or act on any sympathy he had for her, to which she was thankful for. "I love you too, Tessa, so don't hurt herself. Love yourself."

         "I'm trying," she gave him a sad smile, "And one day, I will. It's just not now."

         She brought her cigarette back to her mouth, looking at the paper families and watching as they crumbled before her. The illusion was fading and she saw the arguing parents, she saw the unhappy expressions on the kids, there was rose-colored glasses before her eyes; she saw the truth. And she found that she didn't feel so yearnful to her parents, to wanting them back, she felt better.

         She said goodbye, and now she had to move forward. Her foot was still in the grave, but she was digging herself out. She was her own knight in shining armor, she would save herself. She didn't need a man, didn't need a great love, all she needed was herself.

         There was no great conclusion for her with this, there was no golden ribbon to wrap everything up, but there was a promise that one day everything would be fine. And that was enough for her. She didn't need to find somebody else to save her, didn't need a knight in shining armor, because she couldn't put all her worth into someone who fixed her up. She would save herself; she would be worthy enough for herself.