***now***

Witty
     I can't breathe anymore. The thought of you is in my mind and I can't think of anything else.  I can still smell the campfire on your hoody. We spent the entire day at the old lake house.  Everyone smiling, joking. Having fun. We took a walk, just the two of us, to the gazebo. The one in the hidden glade? Do you remember? I do.
     It was there you told me everything. Your dreams, your fears. You told me how we'd be together for a thousand years.

You told me you loved me.
Do you remember?
I do?

You were mistaken.

--

Life is Messy, capital M, messy.

There are times when we would like the entire thing to just stop.
To just go away.
Maybe we would find some peace.
Some solitude form our troubles. 
What follows is just my own version of the  mess that is life.

So dear readers, I give this, my tale to you, my only true friends.
Know now at this outset, there will be times of pain so intense, you may wish that you had never picked up these pages. I give you fair warning, dear traveler, for some, these words may trigger sorrow in your soul. My story contains items of intense pain, sexual situations, and suicidal moments.
If you wish to continue, this will not be a pretty, happy tale. There is no Happily Ever After. However, there just maybe a brief intermission from the madness and pain.
Hope is a state of mind.
And Love, blessed love can defeat most demons.
Dreams. Dreams. I wake in the night to dreams of my past. These demons do not scream at me. They whisper in my ears. The words are never quite

There is this quote from  Nietzsche. I am sure you have heard it. Our parents, our teachers, even our peers,  bring it forth in low times. They use it as some kind of mantra. As if, with its mere utterance, we would Magically say,  "Oh my YES! I understand now! I am just silly to think otherwise.
"That which does not kills, makes us stronger."
Is there really any functioning adult, that truly believes this? I do not.  Yet, they keep pushing this thought onto us. They keep pushing u toward the ideal set of circumstances that would be, that could be, that SHALL BE, the perfect life.
I do not believe in the perfect life. I believe that we can make the most of what we have. Maybe, just once we can have a glimpse of happiness. We can bask in that moment for just the finest bit, and that alone is enough to keep us moving to ward the light that is the truth.
What is the truth?
Or, at least what I think is the truth?
I do not know. I do not think that anyone one of us can truly know until the end.
What I believe, is a different matter.

I believe in balance in the universe. Forever good thing that happens, there must be an equal bad thing. This is the only explanation for the entire "God has a plan".
You would like an example?
The day I was born, my mother died.
Quite a melodramatic way to start my life? Yes. I know but I think this set the tone for my entire life. But, really, I think the universe was trying
to tell me something right from the start.
With my first breath,  it was telling me l needed to fend for myself in this
life.
Life is filled with moments that will mold us into who we are to
become. Was it my fault mine happened the day I was born?
From that very day I could o t get a break.

My father and mother met in a foreign country and felt the pull of love at first sight. They never left each other side willingly until the day she died. So very happy and so very true to each other and to the universe ?
So this is the good? Ok , so enter the next phase of happy and goodness to their lives, me. Such a great blessing,  he's so beautiful, (babies always are). Well there is all the good side.
The universe needed balance.
Time moved on.
The universe was in balance.
My father was sad.
Until my father met a new person to share his life. That was when I knew with out a doubt the universe was out to get me.