CHAPTER SIXTEEN.
( future death. )

SHADOW DIDN'T ARGUE WITH THE CONCLUSION JASPER HAD DRAWN.

  In fact, she was more than eager to seek out Carlisle and lay all her fears bare. The idea that it might breathe them into existence was only a secondary thought. She had to know what it all meant. If what she'd seen was something to fear or something she could avoid altogether.

The Swan girl went to lift herself from the couch, only to collapse against it as her knees gave way beneath her. Her head swam with the effort of keeping herself upright. The thrum of her blood becoming a pounding headache that nestled itself between her temples. She hadn't realized how drained the scream had left her.

With the fits coming and going so often now, it seemed to be a reoccurring after-effect. Sheer exhaustion borne of the weight of Death's message. It wasn't as if running around the forest had helped her, either.

However, resting wasn't an option. Not when the mere memory of that dream seemed to drag invisible fangs down her neck— an urgency she couldn't shove down. It would have seemed laughable before; that a mere figment of sleepless imagination could be so important. But Shadow felt the importance settle in her like a weight.

  If there was one thing that Shadow was beginning to understand, it was that ignoring her instincts was hardly ever a good idea.

Once Shadow felt more composed, she looked over to Jasper with a sheepish expression. "I don't know if I can walk."

Jasper gave a smile. "You might've went at it a little too fast," he agreed, reaching out and offering his hand for her to take.

  Shadow gladly accepted the help, not exactly keen on the idea of falling. She opened her mouth to say something more, but found herself closing it as she caught Jasper's expression. The solemn look on his face worried her.

  He didn't appear to notice her prying eyes as he pondered something. But, before Shadow could question him on it, she found herself being lifted gently off her feet. Shadow made a sound of surprise as she was then carried bridal-style towards the stairs.

  Her face warmed, anger quick to follow. Mostly because she couldn't bring herself to fight back. "I have legs, you know, and I would feel a lot more dignified if you would let me walk on them."

"Are you sure you're okay to walk?" For as much as he tried to keep his facade genuine, Shadow could see the small tug at the corner of his lips. Clearly, he was enjoying ever second of their current situation.

Shadow pinched the unbreakable skin of his ear, "God didn't give me two feet and a heart-beat for nothing."

"Yeah? Well, God doesn't seem inclined to let you use them right now. So, I think I'll be the judge of that." His reply was quick and Shadow couldn't help but smile at his accent.

She immediately decided she liked it. "Honestly, it's like you want me to make your eardrums explode," she said with a sigh, feigning exasperation.

  Though, the amusement quickly faded as she realized how casually she'd wrapped her arms around his neck. The Swan girl hastily folded them across her chest. Jasper smiled, but nothing more was said after that.

  Shadow felt comfortable in the silence that ensued. Her curious eyes wandered as they made their way up the stairs, taking in the beauty of the Cullen's home. She hadn't been able to explore much of the house before.

As they came onto another set of stairs, Shadow found herself staring up at a large piece of artwork. A dozen graduation caps had been neatly arranged against one another in a multitude of shades and hues. Shadow couldn't help but laugh at the hidden joke within the piece. It was odd, but amusing no less.

"Okay, now that's impressive," she said, looking at Jasper with a grin. He paused as he glanced at it and a faint smile appeared on his features. Together, they stared at the art piece for a few more moments, admiring it and the memories each cap held.

Despite it being made out as a joke, Shadow could clearly see the sentimental value the artwork had. After another minute of debating which cap they liked best, the pair continued. A couple more steps later and the two finally came across a door. One that Shadow knew would lead them directly into Carlisle's office.

Jasper set her down, but the Swan girl found her hand lingering on his arm. She couldn't help but feel a little nervous as she stared at the entrance. It seemed as though, with every return to the Cullen household, she was being dragged deeper and deeper into the depths of their world.

Not only was she making new discoveries about herself, but everything around her was changing as well. It was all happening so fast. In less than two weeks, her whole life had been flipped. An entirely new world now lay at her fingertips.

  Not that Shadow was unaccustomed to life's drastic changes. She'd felt it before; that up-turning of a world she only thought she knew. Not once, but twice.

Shadow bit her lip. Maybe she was nervous about what she might be told once she entered. Or, maybe it was simply because she didn't want to find out that she was right and make herself any more different from everyone around her.

  Even through childhood, Shadow had always been separate. Whether it be because of her hair, her attitude, or the manner in which she seemed to arrive in everyone's lives; a force to be reckoned with.

  Shadow pursed her lip. She didn't want to feel any more estranged. Hell, even in the supernatural world she was a rarity. Banshee's were a dying species. She wanted somebody to understand, but there was no one.

  No one but the Cullen's.

Jasper and his family had exposed their secret and their lives to help her. Was she really so hesitant to accept that help that she would choose blindness in her desperation to feel normal? Shadow paused, thinking it over as her hand took hold of the doorknob.

Danger lurked everywhere, regardless of what form it took. Be it fangs or the grill of an on-coming semi-truck. She could do nothing about it. Nothing, save for bracing herself against the worst of it and hope to come out on the other side. It was either that, or lose herself to the fear before the impact could crush her itself.

  So, Shadow turned the knob and stepped inside.

→

The dream was the easy part to explain. It was putting her feelings about it into words that was the hard part.

  Shadow couldn't meet Carlisle's eyes as she spoke. "I know it doesn't make sense. I know it could have just been a nightmare. But, there's no explaining the bruise and how real it felt," she said, forcing herself to look at him.

Carlisle said nothing, but Shadow didn't want to risk his stare being one of scepticism. She pushed on, even when the words became harder to speak. "I know what a nightmare is. I see them all the time. This wasn't it."

  Maybe it was the dozen or so therapists that had come before him that made her so defensive. But, Shadow had gotten so used to being shut down. It was hard to bury the desperation for someone to understand— even when Carlisle had been nothing but understanding.

  She swallowed down the shame as she realized it. Her embarrassment could wait. Apologies could wait.

"I'll be honest," Carlisle began and Shadow watched as he carefully shifted in his seat. "I don't know that I can tell you anything definitive about your dream. If it's an ability, it's not one I've ever heard of."

  Disappointment crippled something in her chest, even as Carlisle continued. "We know that you can identify supernatural creatures, but this? I don't know if I can truthfully tell you what it is."

Shadow tried not to show her devastation. Though, the question still lingered; was this another ability, or simply a dream that she'd overanalyzed? A part of her knew how improbable the latter was. Convincing Carlisle of it wasn't the problem— their lack of answers and the inability to find them was.

  Carlisle rested his hand against a worn, leather-bound book on his desk. A journal, she quickly realized as he began to speak, "From what I've learned, the most common abilities among your kind is the one you have now and the ability to see imitations of future deaths. Though, it only seems to..."

  Shadow could clearly see Carlisle's lips still moving,  but no sound followed. Not an echo of it could reach her in the yawning abyss that seemed to open up beneath her feet as cold realization dawned on her. She couldn't hear him— didn't want to hear him.

  The truth that crawled its way up her spine made her want to gag. She dug her nails into the sides of her chair. Choked on her grimace and swallowed down her fear. If this was what was meant for her, then so be it.

She'd faced Death before, but this time she would meet him prepared and unafraid.

  "Carlisle," Shadow spoke softly. She tried to keep the terror from her voice. The resignation.

  The Cullen man stopped speaking as he looked at her. His confusion only seemed to last a moment before it dissolved into realization.

"No," he breathed, in a voice that made Shadow want to curl up in a ball and cry.

  Still, she strengthened herself, even if it was false courage. Too many times had she let herself give into her emotions. Shadow wouldn't do it again; she wouldn't lie down and give in to her pain.

The supernatural world was complex and completely unpredictable— dangerous.

And she was being given the chance to see it, to encounter all those possibilities for the impossible to exist. There were still so many things she didn't understand about herself. Shadow didn't doubt that there was still more to discover, but she would be ready to face it head-on now, with no fear or trepidation.

  How could she pass that up?

If there was one thing she could promise herself wholeheartedly, it was that she wouldn't let her death be meaningless or empty. She would make this new world her own. Death had laid ruin to the fragile, mortal reality she once knew, but he had shown her one that was stronger; untouched by his hand.

Shadow wouldn't let him destroy her again. She wouldn't give him the satisfaction of her grief. The mourning she would surely endure for all the lost possibilities. She was not that girl anymore. When Death came for her, she would not be afraid.

  Shadow drew in a deep breath. She didn't want to say it. Shadow had purposely skirted around that part of her dream for a reason, because she was scared. She didn't think it was the fear of death itself, but simply of what that death might mean for other people. The pain she would leave in her wake.

But, she had to know, even if it terrified her. She had to prove that she could hear the truth and still stand. Shadow had to.

  "What if I did see a death, but one that was my own?" The words came out so quietly, but her voice no longer shook and the Swan girl took that as an improvement.

  Still, she could feel her heart racing as she waited for his reply. But, all she received was silence. One so complete that it seemed to resonate all throughout the house. Shadow stilled.

  Jasper, she realized, panic seizing at her throat.

Shadow inhaled sharply and Carlisle seemed to mistake it for fear. He opened his mouth to speak and she abruptly cut him off, noting the look in his eyes. She didn't want lies or niceties.

  "The truth, Carlisle, or nothing at all." She hated the demand in her tone, despite its necessity. There was no time for false assurances.

Carlisle deflated and the distress on his features made something in Shadow ache. Without thought, she reached out and grabbed his hand. Carlisle froze. The restless movement of his fingers drumming against the desk ceased. He stared at the place where her warm hand rested upon his cold one.

Judging by the furrow of his brow, it was clear that he was expecting a different reaction. But, the one he sought could have only come from a different girl. This one was prepared for the ugly, honest, reality awaiting her.

"It's okay," she breathed, urging him to speak.

Carlisle looked up. His eyes seemed to search hers then, looking for some moment of weakness. A fracture in her bravado. But, Shadow had spent a long time perfecting her facades and this was one she wasn't letting go of.

  She was going to weave this mask into something real.

"It is possible," he finally admitted.

  Shadow ignored the way her stomach turned and nodded once. Her next few breaths came shakily, but she forced herself to take them in more slowly. She couldn't let the mask break.

  "Would you like to go home?"

  Shadow could only nod once more. Any other function seemed foreign to her. She was sinking deeper and deeper into that abyss. One she couldn't pull herself out of.

  She rose numbly from her seat. Is this what it took to be strong? Shadow didn't think she liked this; the way every movement required all her focus and every emotion felt too distant to hold onto.

She said nothing as she made her way towards the door. Though, she paused once she reached for the handle. She couldn't leave it at this.

  "Thank you," she whispered to Carlisle, turning to give the Cullen man a genuine smile. At least she could show him the honesty of her gratitude, even if her strength was false.

Shadow turned away and finally stepped out of the room, her tense muscles relaxing only after the door closed behind her. Her heart felt fragile inside her chest as she went through the careful motions of breathing. She refused to be scared, but the more she thought about it, the more she realized that it wasn't the act of dying that scared her.

It was the idea of never knowing when it would be and regretting every instance before then.

Shadow wondered, had she lived a life she was proud of?

  Her thoughts were drawn back to her mother's funeral and the way she had shoved down and buried the grief deep inside her. She hated how she had brushed her pain aside in an effort to claim she was strong. That wasn't strength at all. It was cowardice.

Shadow thought about the way she had cut ties with her friends when they reached out to help. She hated how she'd lost them to her own, selfish pride. How many of them had known her mother just as well as she had? They'd all grown up with her, had walked her home like it was their own.

  They all felt that loss.

That was how the Swan girl knew—  if her life ended right then and there, she wouldn't be proud of the years that had lead to it. Shadow drew in a deep breath, her back pressed against the door. She made a silent vow; no matter what, from that moment, she would make every second worth it.

Nothing else mattered, so long as she was proud of herself in the end.

Shadow stepped away from the door and embraced the fear she felt, because she knew it wouldn't last forever. Not unless she let it. Shadow made her journey down the stairs, keeping her pace unhurried. She knew who would be waiting at the bottom and she had no idea what she was going to say when she finally faced Jasper.

As she turned the last corner, Shadow came across a window looking out at the front yard. Her heart stuttered in her chest as the Hale boy's figure came into view. He was still, with his back facing her. The Swan girl knew it was intentional. He wanted space and she knew why.

Some part of her had hoped that maybe he hadn't heard, but as he began to walk towards the forest, she knew better. Shadow quickened her pace as she hurried to the door, slipping on her poor excuse for shoes without so much as a goodbye to the rest of the Cullen's.

  Shadow raced down the steps, wincing as the door slammed behind her. "Jasper!" She called out as she stepped onto the grass. He stopped walking, so she did too.

  She saw him turn. Then, suddenly, he was an arms-length away. Her heart was sent galloping, but the Swan girl knew better than to let her surprise show.

  "Can you save the theatrics for later?" She snapped, annoyed by his antics. The reaction she knew he was searching for.

She immediately regretted the words as his expression grew pained. Clearly she wasn't the only one that her fate concerned.

  "Jas," she said softly, but the rest of the words died in her throat as he grabbed her arm and carefully lifted her onto his back. She had enough time to gasp in surprise before the world became a blur.

Shadow closed her eyes, arms wound tight around his torso. The world seemed to howl at her ears, angry and frightening, but she knew it was just the wind. Shadow buried her face in Jasper's neck and suddenly her heart was racing for a whole new reason. His grip on her arm softened, but he didn't let go.

A few more moments passed. It was only when the wind died down that Shadow lifted her head from the crook of Jasper's neck. She found herself staring up at the side of Charlie's house.

  Gently, the Hale boy eased her off his back, but Shadow let her hand linger on his shoulder.

"I don't regret it," she started to say, but Jasper wouldn't meet her eyes. Shadow frowned, trying to ignore the way it made her chest ache.

  "Even if that's what my future becomes, I don't regret meeting you at all," she repeated, needing him to understand. Jasper said nothing.

  The silence continued to pass and Shadow slowly withdrew her hand. She was quickly stopped as she found Jasper reaching up to wrap his fingers around hers. The cold feel of his skin drew a gasp from her lips, but Shadow quickly snapped her mouth shut. Jasper didn't seem to react as he bent his head to kiss her knuckles.

"I'll regret it," he whispered, "I'll regret it every day until I'm ash on the wind."

  And then he was gone, leaving Shadow with the realization that it wasn't her chest aching, but her heart.

Edited 02/18/2016 @12:20 PM
Edited 12/01/2016 @12:03 AM
Edited 02/20/2018 @2:54 AM