Two weeks passed and I finally regained some control over my body. I was able to do simple things now, but my limbs remained weak and it took a lot of effort to get most of the things done. Though, I believe that it was already a huge improvement as compared to the condition I was in when first brought into the hospital. Dr Jansen was encouraging enough to tell me that a few more month's of physiotherapy would be enough to get me almost recovered. 

With the help of the speech therapist, I was also able to talk now. At first thought, I had assumed that being able to speak would make it easier to communicate with Mom and Leon. Yet, I just realised that it had made everything worse between all of us. 

I couldn't brush everything off with a simple smile anymore. Everyone, everyone, wanted me to talk to them about all that happened. First, it was the police. Then, came the psychologists. After which, there was Mom, Leon, Clara and whoever that came to visit. 

It felt so maddening that 'I'm feeling tired' became a habitual excuse I would throw at them just to end the conversation abruptly. The walls around me became higher each time as I tried to push everyone out and allow myself to hide within the mental fortress that could protect me from the cruel world beyond. I couldn't bring myself to relive that experience, again and again, it was haunting the very daylight out of me. 

Slowly, I stopped taking visits and I pretended to sleep whenever someone entered my ward. There were also times I told the nurses to shut people out just so that I could be alone. I told them that I needed rest but I was simply running away from the reality of everything because I didn't want to talk to any of them — not when they are always so careful that it made everything they do so infuriating to bear. People always looked like they were tip-toeing to avoid getting slit from the imaginary broken glass shards around me.

With them, I didn't feel normal at all. 

And I hated that feeling. 

-

I remembered falling asleep but when I opened my eyes again, the room was so dark that I couldn't see anything beyond the source of light from the lamp that was hung right above me. 

Click. Bang!

I jumped and realised that I was tied to a chair. Then, I realised that I was back in that room — the room where nightmares were truly made of. 

Click. Bang!

This time, the sound came close to my ears. It sounded so near that I almost felt like it was a close brush before death. I knew that my tormentor was firing his gun in the room but I couldn't see where he was, so I simply sat in the chair and held onto my breath. I squeezed my eyes shut in fear and willed my heart to slow down. Yet, it only pounded faster with every second that I spent in silence in this miserable space, without knowing when the next shot will be fired. 

Click. Bang!

I felt so desperate and helpless that I prayed, unsure whether I prayed for the bullets to miss me or hit me. Frankly speaking, I couldn't care anymore. He continued to fire a few more shots and each shot was coupled with his wicked laughter. Each time those sickening sounds echoed in my ear, the pressure clamping down my chest increased. My pulse skyrocketed and I kind of forgot how to breathe. When dark spots started to dot in my vision, a familiar feeling of dreadful fear engulfed me. 

Am I finally going to die?

From the faint consciousness, I felt a pair of hands on my shoulders. My heart slammed so hard against my chest that it hurt. I saw a dark shadow hovered over me and I wanted to scream but my throat wouldn't work. I felt light-headed and I was going to—

"Rae!"

My eyes flew open and I saw Leon's face close to mine. He was assessing me with the usual worry and sad expression. Leon was trying so hard to read into my expression that the creases between his brows deepened and his eyes were almost piercing me through. I hated seeing this reaction of theirs whenever I didn't react the way they hoped to see — I was once again caught red-handed for not being fine. 

Raising my hands to push his arms off my shoulders, Leon quickly loosened his grip on me to let me go. Although that was what I wanted him to do, when he did that my heart squeezed painfully in my chest. I guessed that if he wanted to give up on me, that was perhaps how fast he would do it. Leon moved and sat really close to me but not touching me at all. My heart was in a panic as I extended my arm, wanting to touch him again but he suddenly broke the silence between us with a question, "What happened?"

I sighed, retracting my hand and placed them back on my stomach. That question had appeared for a millionth time now. What happened? If not, they'd opt for the next popular question - are you okay?

"Nothing," I shrugged. 

"You were trembling so badly," he murmured.

"I was just sleeping, probably some idle movement since my body isn't back to its full functionality yet," I lied so apparently that even I wasn't convinced.

"Rae, sweetheart," his voice softened drastically. "Talk to me."

"Haven't I been talking?" I snapped, growing frustrated.

"Rachelle," he said my name with disappointment tinted in his tone and it hit me like a violent tide. His hazel eyes stayed locked on mine, as though he wanted to read me further and reach into the darkness which I didn't want anyone to see.

Infuriated and vexed, I pulled on the blanket hard and turned away from him.

"Should have just let me die back there," I blurted out, mindlessly. 

When I realised what I had just said, it was too late. I couldn't take back the hurtful words I just hurled at him. Jackknifing into a sitting position, I turned sharply to face Leon. There was so much hurt etched in his striking face. I opened my mouth, but all the words got stuck in my throat. There was also nothing I could say at the moment because I had no explanation as to why I had said those words. So, I avoided looking at him. I turned and lay back down.

"I'm always here for you, sweetheart," he adjusted the blanket for me and tucked me in. His hand reached and pat on the top of my head, causing me to flinch. Leon was quick to withdraw his hand as he reminded, "I'll be right outside, call me if you need anything."

When he left my ward, I sobbed into the pillow. I didn't mean to hurt anyone. Especially not the people I loved so dearly with the whole of my heart. I was just frustrated and uptight. Being irritated with them wasn't right at all because they had been nothing but patient and caring. 

I turned, staring at the space Leon sat on earlier when he was in my ward just now.

I wanted him to stay.

I wanted to talk to him about every other thing other than what happened to me. Maybe get him to talk to me about his school. Or perhaps what's the latest movie showing in the theatres right now.

But I also wanted nothing more than what he had just done, which was to leave me alone with the emptiness.

✿

How did you guys get through a tough time of your life?