Switching my phone back on again, my phone was flooded with missed calls, voice messages and unread texts. Worst of all, most of them were from Leon. I knew that I would've to deal with everything at some point, but the unsettling feeling was haunting.

I cleared all the floating notifications and dialled Mom's number. As usual, she picked up the call almost immediately. Her excited high-pitched squeal sounded from the other end, "Sweetie, I'm at the airport! You'll see me once you exit through the gates!"

"Let me grab Cotton and I'll be out," I replied, with a sudden lump of sadness cracking my voice as I continued, "I missed you, Mom"

"Just so you know, I've never gone one day without missing my baby girl."

That had to be the magic of mothers. Mom didn't even have to wrap her arms around me, and I could already feel her love from all the words she said to me. Ending the call, I went to pick Cotton up and walked out of the gates. The poor little thing looked so tired from the flight and I couldn't wait to reach the car so that I could let him out of the carrier. As per said, I saw Mom waving excitedly at me the moment I left through the arrival gates.

I used to think that Mom's overly enthusiastic personality was kind of embarrassing, but I came to realise that this was the thing I loved about her — she wouldn't be her if she didn't squeal or jump over the littlest things. Back then I was a little too young, but I knew that Mom struggled when she separated from Dad and moved us to another state to start everything anew. I always admired how Mom remained her bubbly and affectionate self despite all the things that was weighing her down. I wished I was that resilient, rather than the moping mess who chose to escape from everything that was too daunting.

"Sweetie, you've lost weight," Mom complained as her hands molested me all over.

"I did?" I laughed, holding onto her to stop her wandering hands. "That means I'm ready for Christmas!"

"Aren't you always ready for Christmas?" Mom chuckled and held me in her embrace. When she secured me within her warmth, I swore I nearly cried. Starting a new life in a new state and new city all by myself had been stressful and infuriating, moreover, with everything that had happened recently, I was just happy to be back home and be hidden within this bubble of comfort and security.

-

When we reached home, Mom helped me with the luggage, and I carried Cotton in my arm. She left both of us in my room and went ahead to prepare dinner downstairs. I swung my bag on the floor and placed Cotton down. The cat curved his back to stretch while purring softly, staring at me with his bright blue eyes before lowering his head to lick his own paw. I patted softly on his body and smoothed a hand through his fur, leaving him to play on his own.

Plopping down on my bed, I took out my phone and scrolled through my inbox to see the numerous texts that I had chosen to ignore.

───────────────

L: Did you reach home safely?

L: I'm worried. Please call me back soon.

L: Rae, please at least let me know if you've arrived back home safely.

───────────────

I didn't finish reading the texts and hadn't bothered listening to the voice messages. I simply dialled his number and he picked up after a few rings. The first sound that came through the line was a shout, "Rachelle Aveline Anderson!"

I stunned at his agitation, he even addressed me with my middle name included. Pulling the phone slightly away from my ear, I asked, "What's up?"

"What's up?" Leon exhaled. "You said you wouldn't go missing on me and you practically cut me off in all possible ways!"

"I'm home!" I shrieked in excitement as I tried to divert the topic away. The way I avoided every single problem was annoying me, but I was so afraid to put myself in the uncomfortable situation of confrontations. My confidence was shaking, not knowing if the friendship built with all the years was enough to handle the impact of my unrequited love.

"You—" Leon stopped without completing all that he meant to say, only sighing, "Have a good holiday, sweetheart. Send my greetings to Pam and tell her that I missed her."

"Got it," I noted, letting a moment of silence sat in between us before I blurted out, "I'll miss you."

"I'll miss you too," Leon responded, his tone finally softened. "I'm sorry I couldn't spend Christmas with you this year."

A sour feeling surfaced, and I decided to end the call since I wasn't sure what else I could say, "I've got to go, I'll catch up with you soon!"

"Go ahead and have lots of fun, little squirrel," Leon laughed.

"Why squirrel?" I frowned, hearing him calling me that for the first time.

I didn't have to look at him to know that Leon was smirking when he said, "That's your signature look every Christmas."

"Shut up," I rolled my eyes, embarrassed when I recalled the image of myself eating. "I'm hanging up!"

"Alright, bye," Leon chuckled, and waited for me to end the call.

I tapped on the red circle before throwing my phone aside and when I flipped to my side, I saw Mom standing right outside my room as she asked curiously, "Leon called?"

"Mom, it's not nice to eavesdrop," I frowned.

"I wouldn't if it's your boyfriend, but it's Leon," Mom winked. "I watched that kid grow up and he's like my own already. What's there for him to hide from me?"

"What if Leon's my boyfriend?" I challenged.

I quickly regretted my words the moment they left me because Mom's brown eyes shone brightly with anticipation as she screamed, "For real?!"

"No way!" I pinched myself hard while scolding myself internally. Stupid Rachelle, think before you talk.

Mom let out a 'jeez' and sulked, "I got excited for nothing. But baby girl, wouldn't it be lovely to have Leon as your boyfriend?"

Lovely, indeed. I felt the dejection. But wishing upon a million falling stars may not be enough to grant me this miracle.

My silence was noticed by Mom immediately, as she walked towards the bed and scooted close to me. She bumped her hip against mine and said, "Sweetie, you can tell me anything, you know?"

"Mom," I sighed.

"I'm all ears, you can talk to me about it."

"I really like Leon," I admitted and a sob surfaced, followed by a choking heaviness that cracked my voice when I spoke, "But I'm afraid of being too greedy, of wanting him more than all that I already have and of not having my own feelings reciprocated."

Eventually, the tears fell freely and Mom pulled me in, allowing me to cry on her shoulders. I sniffled and sobbed messily while she patted the back of my head gently, "I know exactly how you feel for him and that's what I'm trying to imply. I want you to understand that love is brave, love is patient and love is kind, my baby girl."

Mom continued to explain, "Rachelle, it takes courage, lots and lots of courage to choose to love someone. Yet, I want you to be brave enough to take the risk and love with ferocious might because even if you fall, I hope you'd realise that the jump wasn't as big and intimidating as you thought it was. A heart can break, but you'll survive it all. I watched the two of you grow up and I'm very confident that you both can definitely work something out together."

Mom smoothed her hands to my shoulders and turned me to face her. Cupping my cheeks, she wiped the tears away from my face. "Love arrives exactly when love is supposed to, and love leaves when love must. On falling in love and falling out of love, please always be kind. Be kind to others and most importantly, be kind to yourself."

All her words left me completely stunned, but it also struck right into my senses. I knew that I had been pretending and running away for far too long. I always cower when things threatened to change just because I feared, feared of being heartbroken — of anguish, of being left. Hiding behind the front that I presented to him, I was actually nothing but a coward towards my own feelings.

But I wish love was as easy as shouting it out loud.

What I hadn't told Mom was: finders keepers. I wasn't the first to find Leon's love, and so I wasn't the one allowed to keep it. 

✿

Wisest words about love?

(a/n: i quoted a line from 'when love arrives' by sarah kay and phil kaye because i love that poem so much.)