february 2019

STAY AWAKE, SHE thought to herself, chanting it like a mantra. Stay awake. Stay awake.

Slowly, she opened her eyes. She was awake, though she was angry at herself for having fallen asleep in the first place. Although, she had to remind herself, she didn't really fall asleep. She was put under, like a dog going into surgery. 

The surgery. She looked around her, but nothing had changed since the last time she was awake except for the fact that she was alone yet again. There was no one in the cold, dank room with her, no doctors to alert their superiors when she awoke from the anesthesia. She was by herself, laying on the table like she had been before being put out. 

Jack, stay awake, she told herself, though the voice sounded far away. It was hers, she knew that, but it felt strange, like her mind and body were separate, and she had to actively tell her body what to do. 

Just stay awake. Find out where you are.

She darted her eyes around the room, looking for anything that might be the slightest bit different. A table, a chair, a sign that she was somewhere else. As much as she hated it, she needed to be in the same room she'd fallen asleep in. If she wasn't, she didn't know how to get out. She didn't know how anyone would find her.

Anyone? How Anne would find her. She was the one who'd promised to help. She was coming, and she was going to get her out of this place. They would leave together. 

Once she tested her restraints and found that she was still strapped in by her neck, wrists, and ankles, Jack let her mind sink to new depths. She wasn't strong enough to break through leather, and she certainly couldn't afford to waste her energy on a task that was near-impossible. She would have to wait until the perfect moment, for when it was the best time for her to use her strength and fight her way out of here. 

For some reason, her mind drifted to a different place, a place that she was familiar with, but only because it was from another life. Another life as someone else's puppet. 

She was standing out of a building, a club or sorts, but an upscale place whose patrons only wore their fanciest attire. She felt herself outside the club, looking in at an old memory. Music was playing, but given her position outside of the building, it was only a muffled sound that barely reached her ears. The bass of the song was the loudest sound that traveled through the base boards of the floor, reaching her toes and cascading up her legs, resting once they reached her ears. People walked past the building behind her, their heads bent down with the intention of getting where they needed to go. No one looked up at her, or at the scene of pure bliss that played out in front of her. 

In the midst of her confusion, she knew that this scene, this memory, was true. She didn't know how she knew it. Maybe it was the look in the man's eyes as he looked down at the woman he danced with, right in the middle of the dance floor. Or maybe it was the warm feeling that grew in her chest as if it were her own. 

This had happened. She'd been here. It was true. 

Jack lifted a hand to rest on the glass in front of her, but it sank through the barrier. She wasn't really here; she was just a ghost, an observer to an event that had a specific meaning to her. A meaning that was still lost to her. 

Feeling her other hand do the same thing and permeate through the glass window, she stepped forward and into the building. Just as her hands had done, she walked straight through the glass and into the room, the music immediately getting louder and more clear as she stepped into the space. She knew it was warm in the room, as it had been when she'd been here last, but she didn't feel it. If anything, she felt a cool breeze on her arms, as if she was still out on the street. 

Gentle laughter caught her attention, and she lifted her eyes to find the source. Deep in the middle of the room, the couple she'd been staring at were the culprits. Their soft chuckles were too soft for a normal person to hear, but she wasn't a normal person. She was reliving a memory, a memory that had remained deep inside her brain and was only now coming back.

Well, coming back for a second time, she realized. She'd seen this before, in a dream. That dream had ended poorly, to say the least. Now, staring at the two adults so clearly attached to one another, Jack felt an indescribable feeling, deep in her core. This was familiar, and she'd rarely had familiarity in...centuries.

No one could see her, but she didn't want to be seen. She just wanted to take in this memory, to relieve it as best she could, before she woke up from whatever this was. She wanted to look into the man's eyes again and see what he saw in her.

Coming up to stand behind herself, the woman in a pretty dress and holding tightly to the man in front of her, Jack watched carefully as they swayed together, dancing slowly to a song neither of them had heard before. 

"There's a man behind you that looks like he wants a turn to dance with you," the man winked at her, whispering in a low voice.

Jack could feel her cheeks blush with the phantom feeling of his lips near her neck. The woman in front of her, the old version of herself who'd lived through this, merely smirked. "Yeah?" She said. "What do you say to that, Tony Stark? Is there competition in your midst?"

She remembered how this conversation ended, it all came rushing back to her in a painful wave of memory, but she didn't block it out. She just wanted to pretend that everything was okay, that she was just a normal woman dancing with a dashing partner. She wanted to keep this moment separate from everything else, to hold onto it and never let it go.

"No," came Tony's response, shaking his head. "He's much too insecure to handle a woman such as you, Jacqueline." He tugged her closer, and Jack stepped forward, desperate to feel close to him even if she couldn't be the one touching him. 

She'd lost that right. The right to hold him, to be near him, it was gone.

"Say my name," her past self breathed, her eyes fluttering closed. Jack stifled a hum as the sound of her own name, her old name from another life. She remembered what it felt like to hear someone else say it, to bring her back to life, to ground her in just one moment, to keep her sane.

Tony had leaned in to hear her better. "What?"

"Just...say it."

Jack remembered the way he'd drawn out her embarrassment with every word, relishing in the control he had over her emotion. "And why would I do that?" He'd asked, gently rubbing circles on her back with his fingertips, painstakingly slow.

She could still feel it on her back, the way his fingertips had just barely touched her skin, leaving her craving his touch. And more. It was the one moment that she'd felt completely and utterly human. He'd brought back her humanity. 

The girl out of time, the girl she used to be, had sighed. Resting her cheek on Tony's shoulder and letting her gut guide her words, she'd said, "I...I like the way it sounds when you say it."

Like it's a secret, Jack remembered. Something only you can say. She reached up a hand to cradle Tony's cheek in her palm, but she couldn't feel it. She couldn't feel his strong jaw in her hand, his prickly beard scraping her skin. Swallowing back tears, she had to settle for hovering her hand there, pretending that she could feel it. Pretending that her life wasn't what it was, and that she was still here, dancing with Tony and never leaving. 

Never making the mistake she had.

Her breath was shaking as she leaned in, listening to Tony say her name. "Jacqueline," he'd breathed, running a hand up and down her arm, saying it like a prayer. "Jacqueline Kingston."

"You are exquisite," she whispered with him, feeling a dam break in her chest, tears filling her eyes. 

That night, dancing with Tony and fighting a war within herself, she hadn't felt the way she felt now, looking back on it. She'd been too preoccupied to even think about how she felt under his gaze. How she felt about him. 

The tears that flowed down Jack's cheeks were not those of grief, nor those of frustration. She could not go back and change what happened, she knew that. She prayed that it wasn't true, but she could do nothing. These tears, these were a release. A release of every sense of pain she'd ever felt before. Five hundred years worth of pain, all built up and crashing through the dam. She felt a cavern open in her chest, but it wasn't empty. It was full. It was full of something she'd hardly ever known to exist.

Jack's vision was blurry as she cried, trying her best to stay close to Tony. The closer she was to him, the more human she felt, the more vulnerable she was. But her vulnerability didn't scare her anymore. She embraced the uncertainty and lived in the enveloping warmth of Tony's gaze, if only for a few moments.

There was an emotion that Jack had never felt before. She could remember hearing of it from her parents, her parents that were long dead, but she'd never felt it, not in this life. She'd never been able to completely give herself over to someone, trusting in them not to destroy her. She'd never been trusted to hold someone's will in her hands, to protect them and stay loyal to them. Not because she was forced to, but because she had to. It was a deep, carnal desire inside of her that grew, wanting nothing more than to keep Tony safe, to feel safe in his arms, to never have to answer to someone else. 

It was a strong emotion, but it wasn't like others she'd experienced. It wasn't sadness, that hovered over her like a dark cloud. It wasn't anger, a fleeting sensation that left her feeling empty. It wasn't happiness, a gentle joy that refused to stick around. It was something better, something more. Something she didn't have a name for yet. The word hadn't arrived in her mind yet. But when it did, she would shout it into the world, screaming it from the rooftops. She would never stop saying it, because she knew that she would never feel anything so intense again. 

Wake up, 53. You've got a job to do.

———

The next time Jack opened her eyes, when she really came to, was when she was walking. 

She couldn't remember anyone coming into the room, releasing the straps that had held her in place. She didn't remember getting up, stumbling down the twisted corridors to an undisclosed location. But she was on her feet, following four guards as they led her to her destination. 

With a sinking heart, she recognized the door they led her to. She'd spent months in this room, simply existing as no one. A forgotten fossil from centuries ago. 

Stay awake, she reminded herself, and it was then that she understood what Anne Boucher had meant. She wasn't telling her to remain physically awake, to never fall asleep. She was warning her to keep her mind right, to remember who she was and who she was going to be. Anne had known that they would try to steal her mind from her again, and she'd warned her of it. Stay awake, she thought to herself, stay awake. Remember.

The door to her cell was shoved open, and she was next, pushed roughly over the threshold. She didn't expect herself to leap after the guards, but something inside of her had snapped. She couldn't spend another minute in this place, she had to get out.

Her screams echoed in the hallway outside of her door, and she thought it would easy to pass them, but the guards, it seemed, were prepared for her tricks. And, she noticed, they were new guards. They weren't used to her antic,s they were just there to do a job. To stop an asset from breaking out of their prison. 

Her stomach clenched as she realized that Anne Boucher wasn't there either. She felt a trickle of doubt drip into her bloodstream, but she ignored it. She didn't have time to be worried. Anne would work everything out. She'd promised. 

Tony! She called in her mind, wanting it to work like it had with Bucky. Tony, I'm here! I need your help, Tony, please—

Then a voice spoke in her head, a voice that was so loud and domineering that she pressed her hands to her ears, though it did nothing to block out the sound. That's awfully charming, 53, the voice sneered. I hope you know that he won't be able to save you. 

Jack recognized the voice immediately, thinking back to what Anne had told her about the bonding surgery. Thompson, she responded, though her voice was shaky in her head, not carrying nearly as much weight as her superior's.

Well done, came his oily reply. It's good to hear that you haven't completely lost your mind. 

She couldn't hear it or see it, but she felt his sadistic joy in seeing her like this, seeing her afraid, fearful of what he would do to her. She felt his dark chuckle at her rattled appearance, having resorted to her cot and sitting on it in the fetal position, her hands still pressed up against her ears. 

Stop it, she spoke weakly. Stop this. Get out of my head.

Thompson replied swiftly, I'm not going to hurt you, 53. 

My name is Jack, she interjected, partly to spite him and partly to remind herself. Her name was not a number. Tony called her Jack. 

He paused, and she could feel his fury at her clear memory emanating through their bond. For a moment, she was frozen in fear of what he could do to her. Could he inflict pain on her from here? When he wasn't even in the room? What kind of pain could he force her to endure?

I'm not going to hurt you, 53, he said again in her mind, except with a certain tightness that betrayed his simmering anger. You are, however, going to help me.

She shook her head. No. 

You will, came his icy reply. He didn't have to yell in her mind to make her believe his words. He spoke them with such blunt authority and pure cruelty that she knew he meant what he said. However he planned to do it, he was going to make her do his bidding. 

My name is Jack, she reminded herself, not caring if he could hear her. My name is Jack, and I have to stay awake. I have to stay awake for Tony.

She could sense the brutal amusement that flowed through their connection. Tony Stark? Thompson snickered. You think the man you tried to kill is going to save you? You think he's going to save you?

Jack nodded. Tony, she spoke, as if directly to him. Tony, come for me. I'm ready. I'm waiting. I'll be here when you arrive. 

We'll see about that, 53, Thompson said in her head before he backed out, leaving her exhausted. She fought to reclaim her steady breathing, laying down on the cot that she'd slept on for months. She tried not to think about how long she might be staying this time. She tried not to think at all. It hurt her head. She just had to stay awake, that was all. She could do that. 

———

It had to have been hours since she'd closed her eyes. She'd been asleep, enjoying blissful, dreamless sleep for the first time in what had to be a lifetime. But of course, as everything in her life, it was cut short. 

The first thing she felt was a stinging panic that awoke her, making her eyes fly open. Something's wrong, she thought to herself. 

The panic in her head, it wasn't hers. It was Thompson's. Something was wrong. Something was really wrong. 

Sitting up, Jack surveyed her surroundings. It was still light in her room; they always kept the lights on to disorient her. Her bucket was placed in the corner like it always was, and there was still a slight buzzing sound from the electricity that ran through the walls around her. 

Nothing had changed, and yet, everything was wrong. 

Jack swung her legs over the side of the cot, standing up and walking towards the door. She didn't know why she did it, but she knew something was coming. 

Your Prince Charming has arrived, Thompson's venomous voice rang through her skull, still loud enough to bring her to her knees. She fought the urge to sink to the ground, remaining on her feet. Tony Stark is here, he said again, though his voice didn't sound panicked anymore. In fact, he seemed almost...smug. 

She inhaled sharply. Tony? She thought, hope billowing in her heart. Tony, I'm here! I'm going to find you!

On the contrary, Thompson said, his smirk audible in his voice. You're going out to meet him. Time to prove your loyalty, 53. 

Jack felt the icy claw close around her neck again, and she knew that this would never work out the way she wanted it to. She looked down at her hands, and images flashed in her head, memories of countless gallons of blood on her hands, blood from her thousands of victims. Victims that she'd killed for someone else.

That's it, Thompson hissed, as if he could see into her mind. Just like you were made to be, 53. Your talents haven't gone unseen. Here's your chance to prove yourself again. You never completed my father's mission for you. He paused, and Jack was holding her breath, fearing the next words though she already knew what they would be. 

You're going to kill him. By the end of the night, Iron Man will be dead, and you're going to be the one to do it. Your dagger will be the one to dig into his chest, ripping his life from his body. 

Jack choked back a sob at his violent words. She hardly knew anything about Tony, or what he was to her, but she knew enough. She didn't have to have the memories in her brain to know that he was important to her. That he didn't deserve to die. 

I won't do it, she stumbled over the sentence, trying her hardest to make it sound menacing. I won't succumb to your tricks. 

Oh, but you already have, Thompson said gleefully. It's time you returned to who you truly are. 

She looked down in horror at her hands, suddenly not recognizing them. Her racing mind calmed almost immediately, like a switch had turned on. 

Or rather, off. 

Her shoulders straightened against her will, standing straight, her mouth closed in a thin, grim line. Somewhere far away, in her head, she could hear someone screaming.

STAY AWAKE! YOU HAVE TO STAY AWAKE, YOU HAVE TO STAY AWAKE!

She vaguely recognized the voice as her own, before the thought slipped away, dragging her into a deep slumber. Her jaw hardened, her teeth grinding together. Her eyes closed, and her legs were stiff in a warrior's stance. 

Stay awake. Stay awake.

Jacqueline Kingston fell away from her body. In her place, Asset 53 opened her eyes. 

||

oh hell yeah bitch i actually liked that chapter, maybe i'm just better at writing jack's chapters than tony's. 

anyway, what do you guys think? do you hate me yet? i sure would, but not just bc of the story. just cause i'm a hate-able dumbass. 

alright, we've only got five more chapters to go!

june 23, 2020