"Why can't we do back to school shopping when we get back from Disneyland," Kari asked me for the billionth time.
"Because we have stuff to do," I said. "We have the party at your grandmothers, and you will all need haircuts before you school pictures. We'll have to buy school supplies and backpacks. So today we buy clothes. "
"But I want to go to the pool," Candace sighed. "And Kari wants to go to that boy party."
"It's a boy girl party," Kari corrected,
"Boy girl sleepover," I reminded her, "and you can go to the party, but can't sleep over. Besides, we fly out tomorrow."
"Maria isn't here..."
"She has soccer practice," I sighed. "Besides is it really so hard to go shopping with me? Remember, you used to like me."
"I do! I just, why are we shopping at Target. Dad is rich....you're rich. I could do better."

              "Your dad and I don't want you girls to be spoiled. Target is nice. Besides, some people in the world hope for food or water. We should be grateful for what we have."
"If I send money to the starving people, can we go to Anthropologie?" Kari asked.
"Sure," I said. "But you're twenty dollar allowance will not even be enough to buy a scarf there."
"Whatever..." She sighed.
"Look, your grandmother bought all three of you target gift cards for school clothes. So suck it up and find something cute."
"Ok," Candace said.

                  We continued on shopping and I just quietly pondered. I felt more and more like their actual mother each day, including the eye rolls from Kari. I found that oddly refreshing because it was if they really trusted me. They could be their worst selves and know I wasn't going anywhere. After the year they'd had with Greta, it was amazing they could trust anyone.
"Kayla," Candace said. "I want to buy all dresses."
"Buy some, but you'll want pants and shirts too," I said.
"God Kayla, you're such a mother-tator," Kari laughed.
"What?"
"Like dictator and mom put together," she said. "Obvs."

                   Things I didn't like as much: Kari's teenager talk and attitude. I knew I had been thirteen once, but it seemed like teenage girls were so much sassier these days. Kari, unfortunately, had all of Dean's wit and none of his tactical reserve yet.
"I'm ready to go dressing in the rooms," Candace said.
"Go to the dressing room?" I clarified. "Ok, let's go."
Kari follow behind me, even though she had nothing in her cart yet. Candace grabbed her stash and went into the fitting room, slamming the door behind with an excitement level unseen by her sister. the little one just wanted something pink and sparkly.
"Hey Kayla," Kari said. "My friend McKenna is coming here. Her big brother is taking her shopping too. So, like, could we wait so McKenna can help me shop."
"Of course," I smiled. "We'll finish up Candace's list. And then I can go with your sister to get some snacks while you shop."

                 "I could always just drive home with McKenna. Her brother is seventeen, and he's a really good driver."
"When your dad's not here, I have to say no. I don't think he'd let you drive in a car with boy he's never met. Sorry."
"Oh," Kari said. "So when you get married, do you get to actually make decisions about how to raise us? Or, like, are you going to act like a nanny forever?"
"I don't know," I answered honestly. "I know that if  we get married, things will change. But I don't know what that will look like. I've never done this before, been a parent to three girls. I am learning on the job. Just know that I'm doing my best. And if we get married, your Dad and I will always be a team."

                "So like, if Dad asked you to marry him... would you say yes."
"He hasn't asked," I said. "We've only been dating a short while."
"But you love him..."
"Yes," I said. "I do."
"And you love us."
"Yes I do..."
"And catch you guys making out all the time, so clearly the sex is good."
"Karina Josephine McKay!" I said. "Oh my god..."

                        "That's a yes..."
"Look," I said. "I am not going to lie, I do hope to marry your dad. But relationships can't be rushed. Things will happen when they are supposed to."
"Ok, new topic," Kari said.
"Thank god."
Candace popped out the dressing room to show us one pink skirt and shirt, smiling. then she disappeared again.
"How old were when you had your first kiss," Kari asked.
"Oh, I don't know, fifteen..."

                  "Most girls are having sex by now..."
"Wow, that seems really fast." I said.
"Well, I am young for my grade. But still... I've never had a boyfriend or kissed anyone."
"Oh, well, that is fine," I said. "These things happen when they're supposed to. My first kiss was with a really nice guy, and yours should be too. Don't rush into something and give away your memories to someone unworthy."
"Unworthy...Oh Kayla. You're adorable. No one wants to date me. All the other girls are sluts and guys don't want to be with a prude. It's not 1999, Kayla. No one is going to take me on a date and buy me flowers. Not when they could snap-chat with Maxinne Roxbury."

                       "Well, is this about one boy, or all boys..."
"Well," she said. "One boy. I have this crush, but you can't tell dad."
"I won't," I said. "Now this boy, he tells you that he wants easy girls who do the snap chat..."
"It's not called 'do the snap chat.'"
"Well, but the question remains..."
"No," Kari said. "He's never said that's what he wants."
"And you know he's actually hooking up with these girls?" I asked.

                       "No," Kari said. "But Maxinne sent him these topless photos, because she's all developed and crap. And she showed them to me because she knows I like Aiden and I just freaked out. I can't compete with that. I don't want to have sex. God, I am thirteen. I just want..."
"What is it Kari," I asked.
"Maybe to go to the movies and have fun," she said. "And maybe, if I am ready, I could kiss a boy."
"Well, first of all, all dating had to be dad-approved," I replied.
"I know..."
"But just because a girl is throwing herself at Aiden, doesn't mean that he wants that."
"But how do you know?"
"Is it Aiden Matthews," I asked. "That sweet kid with the giant catholic family?"

                    "Maybe..." Kari blushed.
"He's a good kid," I said. "He probably would want a girlfriend who is the whole package. I mean, big boobs are nice. And for a while, boys are drawn to the obvious qualities. But eventually they grow up, and they want a girl who is pretty, sweet, and fun to hang out with."
"What if he doesn't..."
"Then you move on. Kari, boyfriends don't complete you. Husbands don't complete you. They are nice to have around, but you don't need  them."
"My mom used to say the way to success was to find a rich husband and a hot boyfriend on the side."
"Well, your mother is a train-wreck," I said. "And while I don't think you should stop loving her and keeping the few good memories, don't become her. I mean, do you think she is happy?"
"No," Kari said. "At the party, she seemed so miserable."

                          "I agree. I want better for you, Kari. So make Aiden and any other boy earn your attention. Don't bend over backwards for theirs."
"Thanks Kayla," she said.
"No problem."
Candace walked back out with a pile full of clothes and a grin. I guess she was having a good day too.

*

*

*

                         When we got back home, Marisa was covered in grass stains from soccer practice. She was definitely the best athlete, but her laundry was brutal. Dean was going to die when I moved out. I glanced out the window at the house I'd bought. Would it feel like home? I didn't know. I did know that I was moving out after our Disneyland trip. Dean's mother had made it more than clear that she approved of the plan. I heard the doorbell ring, and I walked upstairs. All three girls sat on the couch, watching television.
"Oh no, don't move," I said. "I'll get it for you."
"Thanks," they all murmured.
I swung open the door and there before me was none other than Greta McKay. I pushed it shut, regretting my choice to open it.
"Girls, go upstairs please."
They didn't question, but just responded to the sound of my voice. I reopened it and shook my head.

                     "What the fuck do you want?" I asked. "You're violating a restraining order."
"I know," Greta said. "Is Dean here?"
"No, he's at work," I replied. "What do you want?"
"I want to see my husband."
"Ex-husband," I said. "He doesn't want to see you."
"How do you know?"
"I know him quite well by now," I said. "But if you write him a note, I will give it to him."
"Yeah right," she snarled.
"I will," I said. "I have nothing to hide."

                      "Fine," she said. "But he won't believe it if he reads it. He needs to see me, hear it in my voice."
"What exactly is so important?"
"I miss him. I miss my family. This life I have... I can't keep living like this. I need to come home."
"Why the change of heart," I asked.
"I just woke up next to nameless stranger too many times," she said. "And not that it's any of your business, I still love Dean. He still loves me too, I know it."
"Look," I said. "I don't think he'll want to hear it. Your not good for the girls. You're a bad mother."
"Well, I was," Greta replied. "Look, I am in this 12-step program. I am changing, I swear. If he doesn't want me, maybe I can have some sort of supervised visitation rights with the girls."

                       "I can't make that decision," I said. "It's his to make."
"Tell him I will be at our place tomorrow night. If he wants to talk, I will be the one drinking ginger ale."
"Ok, I will."
"I hope you do," She said. "Kayla, I know it's fun to play house. It's fun to be a mother type to my daughters, and it's really fun to sleep with my husband."
"Hey..."
"But you don't belong here," Greta pointed out. "This is not your family. No matter what you do, it will never belong to you. You'll always be the outsider, and I will always be their mother. No matter what you do or how much advice you give outside of dressing rooms. I will always be their mom.  And deep down, you know you're nothing but a substitute for the real thing."
Was this bitch stalking me?

                   "You need to leave," I said. "Or I am calling the police."
"Tomorrow night," Greta said. "Dean will know where to go. If he doesn't come, I will shop up here again. You can fucking arrest me if you want. I am coming for my children."
She turned and walked away. I slammed the door behind her. I couldn't decide what bothered me more, the fact that she wanted Dean and the Girls or the fact that I partly agreed with her. I was the outsider. What if she really was ready to change? Did that make me the home-wrecker by staying here? The girls came downstairs, eyes wide open. I just stared, unsure how to react.
"I heard mom," Kari said. "Is she...is she going to take you away from us?"
"No," Marisa said. "Kayla would never leave us, no matter what."
"That's right," I said. "No matter what."