Reviewer: Mila_333

Review: Happily Ever After is the sweetest con

Client: sarcasticcoffeelover5

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Blurb

The blurb is actually quite good. The first line you wrote to promote the book is actually really good and personally for me it was attractive. You can definitely re-arrange some sentences here and there but it was good overall. It made the story sound interesting and fun which is a positive point made.

Title

I have to admit the title is very eye-catching and makes you interested in the story. The title does correspond to the story and it cannot get any more accurate as 'Happily Ever After' is literally a mantra in all Disney stories and since this is a retelling of The Little Mermaid, it goes perfect with the plot, especially at the point where  Attina realizes how she erred by going to Vanessa. The ending does contradict a tiny little bit but the deep meaning of the title is well circulated and there's no change needed for the title, it's totally good to go.

Cover

I believe the cover is a bit too simple for the book and not so pleasant for the content you have. In my opinion, the cover should be minimalistic but the current one that you have is too simple. I suggest you get in touch with the several cover shops we have on Wattpad and have a new design for the cover. You can also make your own cover and decide what elements you want to have on it. I would have chosen the sea as a background and would have had a cartoonish design of a boat with Felix and Attina together on it. I would basically take out that particular scene from the story to portray it in the cover and it would have been suitable since it would relate to the plot. The idea of having a cartoonish cover is a good one and it definitely suits the story.

Plot and writing style

The plot started off quite well, keeping us entertained via the conversation the characters were having. You did a great job by letting us know who is dating who and who was who. And it's quite commendable that you allowed us to get a glimpse of the characters from such a short but consequent scene. I knew from there on that this short story would be interesting as you were able to convey your ideas and thoughts while not needing much to do that. However, one particular point to note was the proper introduction of the characters. Yes, we were able to know about them but having your audience to know about something and to feel about it are two completely different things. I would have liked the description of this scene to go far beyond the dialogues and some more action like what they are doing, very brief explanation of the moment as well.

Another thing was the names! They are really pretty but they were at the same time so confusing since I noted each one of the characters in the first scene had their names starting with letter A and that's definitely not an issue of course, but since they were all included in the scene at once and everyone was talking one after the other made it really confusing at some point and this was only the first scene. A random reader can definitely quit reading at this point, feeling too confused by the names as they definitely expect that these characters will be present in the story at a later stage and you sure wouldn't want that. So, I suggest you either remove the characters, for example Noelle had no other scenes and hence, for me, he was not necessary to be in the plot. Since this is a short story, you can't get away from the plot and events happening should revolve around the main plot itself, hence, I believe you can definitely remove some of the characters, apart from her two sisters, since the others had no other roles afterwards. You can definitely keep the girl who was frustrated about the particular ex being at the event since she had a purposeful conversation with Attina and this part is definitely needed in the story as it does give a message.

You were also able to show us the female protagonist's feelings in relation to her being on a wheelchair. You kept the description short but you conveyed what you had to convey. All the necessary elements were there to make the story interesting. Although I understand that this is a short story, I was hopefully wishing for some more description. It wouldn't hurt at all to make the chapters a bit longer so you can insert more description on how the characters are feeling.

This is exactly where your writing style comes into play. I genuinely feel like you need to level up your writing style and write more deeply about the characters. Yes, your ideas were good and you were able to plot in a neat way. However, the way that you write can definitely be improved. I encourage excessive reading to increase your vocabulary that will provide you with a vast choice of words and phrases. If only your writing style would have been leveled up, this book would have been perfect and I would have definitely rated it a ten out of ten. When I talked about the need to add more description in the story regarding the feelings of the characters, only a simple description will not be sufficient. You will need to go far deeper to explain what the character is actually feeling.

Something I also noticed was the lack of description about Felix's job. You mentioned in the blurb that he was a businessman but unfortunately I feel like there was a glimpse of him in that side missing. Maybe, it should have been like this since this is only a short story and there's only much you can talk about, however, I personally wished to see that side as I was already holding an expectation as I read the blurb.

Furthermore, at some point, I have to say your writing style was quite good. I would say it kept fluctuating. I really liked the nice description provided for Vanessa's meeting room. The spookiness was easily detected as I was reading it. I felt as if I was at that specific place and was in the position of Attina. This was a great job done since as a reader; I was able to connect to the plot.

Lastly, the main thing I really liked about the story was the entertaining twists! Like, what?! I was honestly shaken when Vanessa revealed the truth of all the other characters. For real, I didn't see that coming at all. Another twist was about Vanessa transforming into Anastasia, I was again shocked and it was really fun to have these twists coming as it made the story so much more enjoyable.

Grammar

The only grammar issues I noted were some typos, lack of punctuation marks and line spacing. These can be corrected by copy pasting your work on Microsoft Word and you can easily see the underlined words that you'll need to edit. It is very easy and simple to edit this way and will definitely not take much time since you don't really have many issues and you also have only a few chapters. Moreover, one important thing to note was the use of line spacing. If not mistaken, you did not put any line spacing when there was a conversation going on and I recommend you insert line spacing between direct speeches. It definitely ensures a better representation of your work. Apart from that, your sentences were neat and simple and from my perspective, you don't have any serious grammar issues.

Character

Attina's character has been good and we were able to see some sort of development in the end when she was fighting Vanessa. She had also been able to identify her true love and whatever she did to get on her feet was for her father and she really learned her lesson in the end which was commendable. However, one thing that wasn't clarified was the reason the other characters hid their identity in front of Attina. It didn't make sense at all as to why they wouldn't tell her when she was supposedly so close to them. Maybe, this mistrust element was really needed to make Attina advance in her wish to get back on her feet. But, their reason had not been explained in the end and hasn't been justified either. I guess you should include this detail in the story and have it clarified.

Another aspect I didn't quite understand was the reason Everett and Attina kissed. Personally for me, I didn't find any logic since Vanessa clearly mentioned it should be a kiss of true love and I think Attina should have already realized that Everett was not the one for her, on top of that knowing Hazel had feelings for him. The kiss seriously made things super awkward and it was a big NO for me. This can only be my own judgment and may not necessarily be right.

Also, the scene in the end when Attina was back in her wheelchair and just like that, she ran to Felix to save him was a bit too unrealistic. Of course, this is an unrealistic world we're talking about here, but the scene could have ended in a more proper way where they could have kissed and the spell would have worked. Or maybe it wouldn't since Vanessa was destroyed. My point is it could have been a bit more real. Nonetheless, I would admit that I enjoyed it and it was fun to read.

Felix has also been a great character. The person he was in his first scene and the person he became in the last scene really evinced a massive amount of difference and hence, we can agree that he's changed for the best. Character development is important and to show that, especially in a short story, is quite commendable. So, definitely keep it up!

Lastly, Vanessa was the best character in my opinion. She has been a great antagonist and I constantly had to make myself think she was basically Ursula's replicate so I could hate her. In reality, she was the one bringing the entertainment and fun as all the twists and turns revolved around her.

Reader's enjoyment

I know I said this multiple times now but it was pure fun reading this short story. It's the kind of story you want to read when you're relaxing. I was definitely reminded of my childhood while reading this and it brought back so many memories.