04 | Jason

Unfortunately, Sae refused to leave me alone at the house because luckily for me, Dr. Kim told her about Carwyn's "plans' for them that the guy apparently wouldn't shut up about.

And with that, I begrudgingly joined my aunt on the drive to the hospital, listening to her go "it'll be fun!" and "it's a new experience" for the duration of the entire ride, which left me fuming in my seat.

I didn't like going outside, only because it was a huge hassle, and there was the fact I would run into people from when I was still normal. They were not a nice bunch. Also there were a lot of strangers that loved to pity people. It was a silent type of pity, but I could feel their bullshit whenever I entered a room, and that was enough to not want to go out.

I didn't need to tell Carwyn that because obviously, the guy wouldn't understand, and I didn't have the energy to explain to him about all that. So, I was lowkey riding on the plan to convince him I wasn't feeling too good and just flake!

God, all I wanted to do was flake on the guy just to see his shitty, cocky smirk fade. Well, part of me did. The other half just wished he stopped wasting his time on me— there wasn't anything good that would come out of interacting with me.

But Sae really wanted me to go. She was way more excited than I was to learn I had plans, and god, all morning she was bouncy and smiley. She even made me pancakes! Pancakes. With strawberries and whipped cream.

As much as I wanted to crush Carwyn's hope, I just couldn't bring himself to end my aunt's happiness.

So, when I entered the hospital, parting ways with Sae right away as much as I didn't want her to go, I awkwardly stood around, scanning the foyer for the familiar face. I never really liked the foyer, but honestly I didn't like a lot of things— it was natural to just hate everything.

But it wasn't too hard to find Carwyn. How could I not? He was a tall guy, a bit muscular, and he was so horribly hunched over his tiny ass phone, that it gave me the strongest urge to bully him.

I wasn't so sure if I should approach him first. Would that come across as too eager? Probably, and there was no way I'd let that guy believe I was excited to see him. Although, I guessed I had to get this over with, and so, I put on the biggest scowl and approached him.

"Hi," I said stiffly, regretting ever speaking when Carwyn whipped his head up, his gaze falling over me in a way that made me shift awkwardly.

I swallowed, nose scrunching as I wrenched his head the other way, not daring to meet his eye anymore— that was weird. Luckily, Carwyn didn't seem to notice anything off.

"Hey," Carwyn said, and god, he sounded perky. It was like what, six in the morning? "You look nice."

"Nice?" I forced out, now having no choice but to give him a nasty glare. "Thank you." I added begrudgingly.

"Awh, you're so nice to me," Carwyn chuckled. It was a deep sound. Made me shiver because holy shit, this guy's voice was uncomfortably low.

"Think you can give me a little smile, Jase?"

"No, and ew, don't ever call me that," I grimaced, watching as a smile blossomed over Carwyn's lips. Sighing, I jabbed my thumb over my shoulder toward the exit, "I'm gonna go if you're just gonna waste my time looking like an idiot."

"We didn't even start yet," He snorted. "You haven't even heard of where I'm gonna take you."

"Do I want to?" I frowned. Carwyn pushed off the wall he was leaning on and grabbed me by the elbow, making me flinch.

"Hey! We're not on touching terms yet!" I tried to swat him off, but Carwyn's grip was awfully firm, though gentle enough it wasn't hurting my boney ass. But even so, it still bothered me.

"Touching terms?" Carwyn mused, continuing to lead me along as my shoulders slumped in defeat when I realized this guy was the most stubborn bastard I ever met.

"Yeah, you're not there yet, so get your nasty hands off of me," I snapped, "Seriously, who knows where your hands have been."

"In that dispenser," Carwyn replied nonchalantly.

"Is that a sexual innuendo for vagina?" I asked, horrified. Carwyn gave me a look, his bushy brows knitted together.

"Bro, what the fuck. Who do you think I am?" He asked, pressing his hand to his chest. I shrugged.

"A straight guy. Is that enough of an insult?" I gestured at his current attire consisting of skinny jeans, the godforsaken vans, and an oversized hoodie with the goddamn hoodie laces tied into a bow. All he needed was the fried noodle hair.

"Y'know, those musty fuckboys. You look like one."

"Ouch. Give fellow straight people some love," Carwyn rolled his eyes. "And I'm not a fuckboy. I'm very much loyal."

"Are you really, dude?" I squinted at him. He nodded, flashing me that stupid ass smirk.

"I can prove it to you my guy," Carwyn nudged my shoulder. "But one quick question, are you gay or something? Usually it's not a problem that I'm straight but—,"

"—I'm not gay," I cut him off, voice stiff. "And why would it be a problem even if I was?"

"Oh because I wanted to make sure you wouldn't fall in love with me!" Carwyn beamed. I pretended to gag. "I'm joking with you. If you're gay or straight, I could care less. You're still I to me."

"Can you be any less fucking cheesy?" I grimaced, watching as a chuckle escapes past Carwyn's wide smile. Shaking my head, I trailed after him, following Carwyn out of the hospital and to the parking area where his car was parked, wanting to get this over with already.

"Can you drive?" Carwyn asked him, fishing his keys out of his pocket when we approached his car.

I shook my head, "Never learned. Never wanted to."

"Oh come on. Really?" I got into the passenger seat, feeling Carwyn's eyes on me as I buckled my seatbelt. "Why not?"

"I have nowhere to go," I answered curtly, refusing to meet his curious eyes. "Plus my aunt's worried I'll get heavily depressed one day and try to out myself the easy way."

For a second, the car fell silent. Oops.

"Well," Carwyn whistled, starting the car after a few beats of silence settled between them. "Are you depressed?"

"What kind of question is that?" I scoffed, turning to face him only to shoot Carwyn a dirty look. Carwyn shrugged, beginning to back up from the parking lot.

"I'm just trying to get to know you."

"So you're asking for all my trauma first?"

"Well, we can start with your favorite color if you'd prefer that instead."

My features scrunched together, lips turning into a permanent scowl. "You're weird. Really, really weird."

"I am? Didn't know that. People call it charming, y'know," Carwyn said cheekily. I rolled my eyes, crossed my arms, and sunk further into my seat, already hating every second of this.

"Where are we going?" I managed out, trying to change the subject to something that required less of me talking and more of Carwyn because at least I could tune him out in the meantime.

"Not too far from here," Carwyn said, his attention already on the road. "Do you like food?"

"Yeah...? What kind of question is that?"

"Great! Because we're gonna get smoothies."

"Then why did you ask if I liked food?"

"Just 'cause," Carwyn giggled. Do guys giggle? I wasn't sure, but I swore that guy let out a genuine giggle. "It's a really good smoothie place though. I go here from time to time."

"You do?" I pretended to sound interested, and somehow, Carwyn believed it.

"Yep! If you want a recommendation, I really like the orange creamsicle flavor. It's equal parts cream, orange, and sexiness."

"Sexiness?" I spat out, glaring at him.

"Yeah? What about it?" Carwyn glanced at me briefly, that goddamn smirk of his sitting wide over his lips. I wanted to punch him.

"You calling a drink sexy makes me not want to buy it," I admitted. "Like, you just ruined it for me."

At that, Carwyn merely snorted, and surprisingly, he didn't say anything for the rest of the ride. It wasn't too bad though, and my life somehow wasn't threatened during it despite my expectations. But even so, I wasn't really focused on that. Instead, I took the time to look around Carwyn's car.

It was a normal car, yes, I couldn't deny that. Although, that wasn't what I cared about. On his emergency brake, the guy strangely had a few hair ties. I didn't question it because no way I wanted to picture girls getting in this car and Carwyn offering them a hair tie to give him road head as much as it fit the douchebag's character to do such a thing.

And also there was the fact I didn't want to picture that especially when there was a chance I was sitting in the crime scene. Gross. Anyway, there was one other thing dangling from his rearview mirror that caught my eye when I got in.

It wasn't anything too big or special, but I wasn't so sure Carwyn was the type of guy to dangle a little cactus from his mirror. It was a cute charm with a tiny smiley face and a heart.

Part of me wanted to touch it, though I knew it would be weird to man handle a stranger's personal property. I tried not to think about it too much because god, once I noticed the damn thing, its clay eyes peered into my fucking soul.

Luckily it didn't get to explore too much. When they arrived at the smoothie place, I realized it wasn't too far from the hospital. Eventually, I found myself following Carwyn inside.

"Order anything," He said, gesturing at me to go to the front. Before I could walk forward, I watched as Carwyn pulled out his phone, averting all his attention to it.

"You think I'm gonna order for you?" I asked, not bothering to hide the annoyance in my tone.

"No. I'll join you in a second." Carwyn didn't look up.

My eyebrows furrowed, not quite expecting the sudden change in his attitude. I eyed him up and down, trying to figure out what made the bouncy boy's mood plummet. Though I didn't dwell on it for too long; it wasn't my problem to worry about.

I ordered a banana smoothie, barely even glancing at the stupid menu. But right before I could pay the poor minimum-wage worker slaving away at their job, I added, "Can you make me an orange creamsicle one too?"

The worker gave me a funny look (which I expected, nobody liked that shit) but she took my order anyway. As a thanks for dealing with me, I paid her extra, and waited around for Carwyn who, shocker, was still on his phone.

I wasn't so sure if I should bother him, because unlike him, I knew when to not butt in. But I couldn't ignore it now, how his eyebrows twisted and contorted, and the smile he wore faded into a thin line.

It was odd, but we just weren't close enough, hell we weren't even friends, for me to really care. Plus I doubted Carwyn wanted to talk about it.

I decided to just leave him be. It was probably for the best anyway.

With some time, Carwyn shoved his phone back into his pocket albeit looking a bit pained when he joined my side. Right around the same time, our orders came out, and once Carwyn was in front of me, I handed him his drink, watching as his smile bloomed once more.

"Thank you. Were you thinking about me?" He wiggled his eyebrows at me, and in seconds, he acted like nothing even happened.

"Fuck you," I settled with. Carwyn merely laughed, or well, it was more of a choked out sound, but nonetheless, we headed to a booth in the back.

"So," Carwyn started, sliding into the seat in front of me, the air around us less tight and more airy like before.

"I brought you here to give you a proposition."

"A proposition?" I sipped my drink. It was awfully sweet, but I guessed it wouldn't kill me to finish it. These were painfully overpriced smoothies so I might as well drink it.

"Yep," Carwyn popped his 'p', propping his elbows on the table. "Y'know how Namjoon talked about us being partners so we can show eachother new experiences?"

"Yeah," I nodded along, chewing on my straw. "I got nothing to show you though."

"Well, that's okay," He said. "I think we should make a bucket list."

"A bucket list? What are you, eighty?" I snorted.

"No, but you know what you are?" I raised an eyebrow at Carwyn.

"You're dying!"

I blinked. Carwyn shot me a ridiculous set of finger guns. I blinked yet again.

"Was that too early?" Carwyn asked, bringing his hands back down while the other found purchase on the side of his neck. I glared at him, taking a rather aggressive sip of my smoothie.

"Thank you for the reminder," I said. "And no, you said what everyone already knows."

"Did I make you feel better though?"

"How the fuck was that supposed to make me feel better?"

"I dunno. The shock factor gets people going," He grinned. I rolled my eyes. Man, I was really working them today, but I guessed that was what happened when you spent time with the incarnate of pure dumbassery.

"Alright, but anyway," Carwyn leaned forward, which in turn, made me back up more. "I think we should complete a bucket list. Get things done. Have fun. All that bangin' stuff."

"You know we might not finish it," I said.

"I know," He shrugged, "but that's the beauty of life. Some things will never truly be completed."

"That's fair," I admitted slowly, twirling my straw in my cup, regretting that super aggressive slurp because now I had a brain freeze pinching at my skull.

"So you wanna do it? We can do whatever you want. You're the one dying here, so I don't wanna waste your time," Carwyn pulled out his phone, but this time he just opened up the notes app.

"Aren't you dying too?" I asked, but I immediately regretted it because Carwyn let out a curt laugh. Although it sounded like a bark, to be honest.

"No, I'm not," Carwyn shook his head, resting his tiny phone on the table between us. "I only go just 'coz my brother wants me to. And if I was, I would have said it earlier." I eyed him skeptically.

"What? You think I'm lying?"

At that, I shrugged, "People like bullshit."

"Well, I'm not dying. I'm being honest. No bullshit there," He crossed his arms over the table, tilting his head a little to the side so that his fringe fell over his eyes.

"Alrighty then," I sighed, setting my smoothie to the side.

"Okay," Carwyn repeated before quickly adding, "You wanna do this or not? It can be like ten things or less. All of them are gonna be things you wanna do though."

"What would I write down?" I asked.

"Stuff," He shrugged. "When did you get cancer?"

"When I was seventeen," I answered.

"Then you did chemo for about a year, yeah? Must have missed a bunch of highschool crap." At that, I hummed. "Okay, then write about stuff you wished you could have done before you got sick."

"But I'm still sick," My brows bunched together.

Carwyn snorted, taking a sip of his painfully bright orange drink, "Not right now you aren't. You look healthy to me." I still didn't feel like it.

"C'mon now. Don't hold back. Life's too short to hold back. Put down whatever."

Honestly, I really didn't want to do any of this, but I remembered that all of this was for Sae. She would have wanted me to do this, to enjoy my life, or whatever that meant. And plus, like Carwyn said, they might not even get to finish this anyways.

There wasn't really any harm in doing this when they only met every Tuesday and Thursday, so it wasn't like I was going to spend too much time with him. And if we were gonna hang out, Carwyn told him he'd only do things I wanted to do.

Again, it wasn't like I was going to be doing things against my will either. I bit the side of my inner cheek, drumming my fingers over the counter, and after some more internal debate I nodded once again.

"Can I see it?"

Carwyn nodded, pushing his phone closer to me. I took it, though grimaced seeing how small the gadget was in my palm, but nonetheless I jotted down the first fifteen things that came to mind.

When I was done, I showed Carwyn. I bit at the edge of my thumb, watching quietly as Carwyn scanned through the list. It annoyed me a little how he didn't seem to react when reading it over, which didn't keep me from mentally slapping myself for putting something stupid down.

"It might be stupid—," I started, but Carwyn held a finger up, silencing me.

Carwyn took a bit, but eventually he set the phone back down and gave me a warm smile. I expected him to speak, though Carwyn said nothing. I just kept staring, and for some reason, I could feel myself shrinking beneath his heavy gaze.

It didn't feel good, being watched and hopefully not being psychoanalyzed. Who knew what he was thinking.

"Don't look at me like that," I blurted, and thankfully, Carwyn averted his gaze back to his smoothie. The older's shoulders shook with silent laughter, and that smirk, oh that dumb smirk, found its place on his lips again.

"I'll make your last six months worth living," Carwyn said.

"You didn't think any of that was stupid?" He raised an eyebrow at him. Carwyn shook his head.

"It sounds fun. I'm down for it," Carwyn beamed.

"You're not gonna make fun of me?"

"I," He said softly, and ew, I hated it. Thankfully,  he got the cue, and cleared his throat, starting over. "This is a good list. I'm being honest."

"No bullshit," I pressed again. Carwyn nodded, raising his pinky up. "I'm gonna tell you one thing right now, I don't like bullshit. Life's too short to make lies, y'know."

"That's a good motto to live by. I'll keep it in mind," He chuckled. "I promise, by the way, to have no bullshit between us. I'll be a hundred percent honest with you, Jeon I."

"Good," I huffed. He jutted his chin at his pinky, "What are you doing?"

"Shake my pinky, bro. Seal the deal."

"Never say that again," I deadpanned. Carwyn wiggled his pinky at him.

"I know you want to," He mused. At that, I rolled his eyes. "C'mon, seal it. Seaaaaaal it."

"I'm only doing this because I have nothing better to do," I begrudgingly put my pinky up, briefly hooking it with Carwyn before quickly pulling it back. Carwyn smirked.

"Don't think I'm doing this 'coz I have something for you, alright?"

"Sounds good," Carwyn sang. "It'll be fun."

"Yeah, yeah," I sighed, glancing back down at the list. "It better be," I muttered as I read it over again with Carwyn smiling at me like the idiot he was.

JASON'S AWESOME BUCKETLIST

1. lose my virginity (or kiss someone random)

2. dance in the rain

3. go on a normal date

4. learn how to drive

5. dye my hair or get a tattoo

6. get revenge on someone

7. go skinny dipping somewhere

8. get drunk again

9. get lost, see the stars?

10. ???????