To think of all the things I would be doing today, I would be running after Carwyn in a grocery store.

Right before we could reach Eunwoo's house, Carwyn decided to ambush a grocery store. He didn't really receive my permission, but there wasn't really much time unless I wanted to lose him in the goddamn store.

I didn't really run this fast anymore, hell, it wasn't recommended I ran at all, though I couldn't exactly explain that to Carwyn. But that wasn't what mattered right now.

"We're actually gonna do this?" I sputtered, gasping for air as I skid to a stop next to Carwyn, who was studying the wall of eggs in front of us probably for the cheapest brand.

"Yes, we are," Carwyn declared, reaching down for a case and handing it to me. "It's on your bucket list, my guy."

"Well yeah, I remember writing it," I said, brows furrowing when Carwyn put two more cartons into my arms. "Hey, don't you think—,"

"—Revenge is better with style, Jason," He waved a finger at me, that stupid smirk toying on his lips already. "It's all or nothing." He patted my back.

"Okay, it's all or nothing until we get caught!" I shot back, trying to keep up with him. While we were roughly about the same height, Carwyn had insanely long legs. Not that I was checking him out— it was an obvious quality!

And god, I hated it. It was a pain in the ass trying to keep up with him, my lungs having to work overtime to support my sad excuse of a body. Along the way, Carwyn did end up noticing my struggle.

Thankfully he didn't say much, instead he slowed down but the determination in his dark eyes raged on. I appreciated it, sort of.

"Why are you so fired up?" I asked when the two of us were suddenly in the toiletry aisle. I knew where this was going, and to say I was excited wouldn't be the right way to put this.

Honestly, I didn't know what to feel. It wasn't like I really hated Eunwoo. Okay, I was still angry because the guy was a fake ass jerk, but I didn't blame him for leaving me behind back then since a lot of people, including myself, thought I was going to die so it wouldn't have mattered anyway.

It was probably Eunwoo's own little fucked-up way of tying up lose ends— or well, cutting them off. It happened a long time and even if the things he said were hurtful, I wasn't so sure if we should actually do this. Leave things in the past, y'know?

Carwyn, on the other hand, didn't agree. At all.

"Why wouldn't I be? We're gonna trash that douchebag's place," Carwyn shrugged, brushing the dark hair away from his eyes. "He had it coming."

"You're acting like you were the one he offended," I snorted.

"Yeah, 'coz he did. Offend me, that is," Carwyn said, coming to stop in front of a wall of toilet paper. He crouched down, grabbing a set and propping them beneath his arm.

"Do you take everything so personally?" I asked. Carwyn stood back up, turning to face me, but the expression on his face, the frown, nearly caught me off guard.

"No," Carwyn said, looking absolutely ridiculous hugging those toilet paper rolls close to his chest, but I knew this wasn't the time to make fun of him. "He just bothers me."

"It shouldn't. It's not your situation to worry about," I let out a breathy laugh, though it sounded more like a scoff. Carwyn rolled his eyes, and once again he turned around and started walking.

"Are you really giving me attitude, Jason?" Carwyn joined my side with ease this time. At least when he was irritated, he wasn't power-walking with a passion.

"Do you not like it when people worry about you?" The suddenness of his question made the skin between my brows furrow.

"How does that relate to this?" I scowled.

"Answer my question," Carwyn nudged my side.

"Why should—," The words died on my tongue when Carwyn shot me a dark glare. Deflating a little, I settled with rolling my eyes and begrudgingly muttered a quiet "sure".

"Well let me worry about you just this once and egg this bastard's fucking house," Carwyn said. "You might not be angry anymore, which I highly doubt, but even if we say you aren't, I'm mad. Hell, I'm super pissed off."

With all honesty, I didn't know what to say. God, I really didn't know a lot of things, especially when it came to Carwyn. Surely, I would be arguing and calling him a whole bunch of insults out of aggravation but now? Nothing.

Obviously, I didn't want his pity or his time, and god, I wanted to say that. I said it before. To Sae. To my classmates. To random strangers who pretended they knew me and pitied me just for the sake of preserving their 'good' conscience.

It was there, playing on the tip of my tongue, but I couldn't bring myself to say it for some ridiculous reason. It was weird to be cared for when most of the time people did it only because, let's face it, it always ended up being a trend to support the dying kid.

But with Carwyn, I wanted to believe he was like the rest. There wasn't any way to prove he wasn't.

He didn't know me, so he couldn't have cared. There was no possible way he did, and this, this was ridiculous to even think about.

"You're weird," I ended up saying, but I knew it was a weak attempt to insult him. At that, the edge of Carwyn's lip tugged upward. He knew it. Of course he did.

"I care," Carwyn corrected, leading me to the self checkout register. I handed him all the things before crossing my arms over my chest, giving him the nastiest glare I could muster. I wasn't going to fall for this anytime soon.

I could feel my annoyance rising as Carwyn slid his credit card into the machine and turned to give me a crooked smirk. "C'mon, Jason, you'll enjoy this," he said, handing me the bag of eggs.

"What makes you think I will?" I grumbled, taking the bag from him.

Carwyn just shrugged, running his hand through his shaggy hair. "Because I'm here," he said, wiggling his eyebrows at me.

I rolled my eyes, following him out of the store. "We'll get in trouble," I warned.

"Don't be so negative," Carwyn said, his tone lighthearted. I sighed, resigning myself to jogging to catch up with him. As I ran, Carwyn glanced back at me and gave me a big, goofy smile.

"We're gonna have the best time ever!" he exclaimed. I couldn't help but shake my head at his infectious enthusiasm.

"You people are too rich," Carwyn murmured in awe as we pulled up into Eunwoo's neighborhood, which happened to be massive modern homes lined up perfectly together.

"Sae is rich. Not me," I corrected him, drumming my finger against the side of my door. "Eunwoo's parents are part of the entertainment business. They're never around though."

"I can tell," he said, taking one last survey of the street ahead of us. "Man, I feel like I'm in some kdrama, or something."

I snorted. "You're really that impressed over houses? Oh, park there," I pointed at the empty curb adjacent from the front of Eunwoo's house.

Thankfully, Carwyn obeyed without a snarky comment. "Well, yeah. I've never been here. Not everyone gets black cards and happen to be too rich for a vending machine," he snorted after setting the car to park.

"But again, that's Sae's money, not mine," I said, nose scrunching, growing oddly defensive. "I barely use her money for anything else."

"Okay," Carwyn said, reaching behind us to grab the stuff we needed. "Never said you were spoiled, if that's what you think I was gonna imply."

"Right," I rolled my eyes, knowing Carwyn would have called me spoiled anyway. "So, what's the plan?" I asked, gesturing at the bags.

"Fortunately we're both wearing hoodies," Carwyn playfully reached over and tugged my jacket string. I gave him a dirty look and swatted his hand away, but he ignored me like he always liked to do.

"So, we take these out, put our hoods on, and go fuckin' nuts. No plan, just get him back for being a douche," he said, practically bouncing in his seat from excitement. He swore this guy was getting way too into this.

"That's all?" I asked, following Carwyn outside of the car once he got going, toilet paper rolls in his arms. Sighing, I snatched two cartons of eggs and followed Carwyn over to Eunwoo's property.

"Let loose, Jason. Let all that pent up anger free in the form of eggs and cheap toiletries," Carwyn said, already yanking his hoodie over his head, though it did nothing to contain the dark mess of hair escaping from beneath it.

I quietly tugged my own hood on. "This is awkward." I declared when both of us stood in front of the house, neither one making a move.

"Well why aren't you doing something?" Carwyn asked, nudging my side with his elbow.

"Because I don't know how to start," I snapped back.

"Just throw a damn egg," Carwyn grabbed one from the rack and tossed it a little in the cup of his massive palm. "Like, just throw it. With your hand."

"Wow, so descriptive," I rolled my eyes, fingers digging into the rough carton. I reached into the cardboard, fishing a cool egg out and staring down at it.

"We can't stay here all day," I mused. "You gonna throw it or not, pussy?" Carwyn whipped his head toward me, his brows arched.

"Did you just call me a pussy?" I said slowly, pronouncing each word carefully, making sure he knew I was offended. Since it was Carwyn, he just nodded and most likely didn't care.

"Yeah, 'cuz you are. You're letting Eunwoo win that easily? Seriously, this is your chance to remind him you're not some weak, sick kid, Jason. Fucking fight back. This is your chance." As much as I didn't want to agree with him, Carwyn was right.

I let Eunwoo and his kinda-friends walk all over me. In another circumstance, I probably would have called his crap out and curse him to oblivion. Maybe even humiliate him the same way he did all those years ago just for pay back.

Unfortunately for me back then, I was so sick I physically and mentally didn't have the energy to mess with the guy who did me wrong.

But now? I was healthy. Somewhat. But now, I could get back at Eunwoo. I could make his day shitty, make him hurt the same way he made me feel. Even if it was just for a single day, at least I could replicate that exact feeling of stupidity and hopelessness and anger, right?

Eunwoo cut me off two years ago without a fucking care. No explanation, no apology. Just nasty stares and disgusting rumors. He didn't even care to stay or even hesitated to hurt me— so why should I?

"I hate you," I said, glancing back and forth between Carwyn's smug smirk and the egg in my hand. I inhaled slowly, chest rising and falling.

"But you also hate Eunwoo." And with that, I threw the first egg.

It hit with a nasty splat against the window, the shell bursting in an explosion of runny clear liquid and bright yellow yolk that ruined the surface. My breath came out ragged, my lungs tightening as I saw the mess gather into a yucky pool on the floor, and soon enough, I was reaching for more.

One egg, then another, and another. I kept throwing, ignoring how my lungs squeezed and my heart raced in my ears. Carwyn was cheering me on, encouraging me to keep going, even throwing some eggs himself.

And for some reason, it felt good. Not good in the sense you said it and didn't mean it, but the type of good where everything was liberating and easy and adrenaline spiked my veins and made my stick limbs ache in the best possible way.

It hurt, and I was trembling, but the staggered laughter that ripped out of my throat mixed with all the pent up anger and frustration and pain fueling my every move made it all worth it.

With each egg, it was like I was letting go of something. While Eunwoo might have tied up the loose ends by cutting me off, I was ending our story with eggs. Fucking eggs of all things.

It was ridiculous, but then again Eunwoo was the ridiculous douchebag for leaving me when I needed someone, when the last bit of normal of my life was in my hands and he just took it. Ripped it away from me before I could realize how badly I would miss it.

Fuck Eunwoo. Fuck his kinda friends. Fuck all of them, their rumors, and their superficial friendships that meant nothing. Fuck the normal I could never have yet missed so, so badly.

They didn't matter to me anymore.

If I meant nothing, they were nothing too.

My eyes burned, my joints ached, and my lungs were on practically fire, eating away at my chest until my throat was dry from every dry heave I haphazardly inhaled. I kept flinging those eggs, unaware of how red my face was, or how my brows were scrunched over my forehead in a tight bunch.

Even my eyes were aching, pain prickling at the back of my sockets but there was nothing more to cry out. My jaw ached, clenched so tight my teeth were nearly grinding. And fuck, I was shaking now, not trembling, my breath coming out in brief, ragged, puffs.

"Jason?" I didn't realize Carwyn was calling out my name. Everything was fuzzy, and god my ears were ringing.

I threw more dumb eggs specifically targeted over Eunwoo's window, blood boiling hot at the faded memories that resurfaced of the nights we spent together when life seemed okay, normal even. The evenings where we sat on that ledge beneath his window, air dense with sugary vape juice vapor and our bodies huddled close, buzzing with warmth as the cool Seoul breeze ruffled through our clothes.

Their conversations poured into my mind, replaying in flashes. I remembered how it felt to actually have company I enjoyed when we talked about girls, idiotic teachers, and parties— all the things dumb teenagers ranted about because we thought we knew better when we really didn't.

I thought of the times where we were so fucking privileged to believe we had time on our hands to figure everything out. The times we fucked around, acting like we were infinite and invincible, and I was stupid enough to believe it all—

"Jason," Carwyn's low voice cut through my trance, his fingers having a vice grip over my bicep.

"Your hands," he coughed lightly. "You're just crushing the eggs now."

I averted my gaze to my shaking hands, unable to put together a proper sentence as my mouth ran dry seeing egg smeared over my palms. There were shells in my skin, their sharp edges stinging against my fingers.

The frustration subsided in my chest as Carwyn eased his grip on me, noticing how I grimaced at his roughness. It burned faintly now, the sparks dying as I caught my breath, letting my weak lungs catch up.

Carwyn tried to touch me again, but I shoved his hand away. I shook my head, laughing bitterly, hoarsely at the scene in front of me.

It was a fucking mess. I was a mess.

And somehow it still felt good.

"Here," Carwyn said, handing me a towel he must have fetched from the back of his car. I took it from him, mumbling an inaudible thanks as I wiped the goop off my fingers.

Neither of us said a word, though it wasn't like I cared anyway. I didn't care. There wasn't a reason to care. For a second, however, I started coughing, violently, my chest being ravaged by a dry wheeze.

Carwyn tried to help me, stuttering about me needing water, but I simply shook my head, holding him in place by the sleeve of his flannel. I hit my fist over my chest, trying to get a hold of myself, and soon enough, I swallowed, hard, standing straight once again.

"Now that was fun," Carwyn said, watching as I coughed weakly into my fist. "You got some repressed trauma, my guy."

I shot him a dirty look. Carwyn raised an eyebrow at me, "What? You do."

"Okay, but seriously, take it easy. One more cough and you'll fucking fold up like a plastic folding table," Carwyn grabbed me by the wrist and took me back to the car.

He helped me lean against the side of it as he opened the back and snatched a water bottle from somewhere. Carwyn basically forced me to take it, even though I wasn't sure if I wanted to drink sketchy water, but I took it and the water felt nice against my throat, even if it was awfully lukewarm.

Once I was done, I swallowed hard, capping the water bottle and letting my arms fall to my sides. Our gazes drifted back to the modern house destroyed by eggs and the toilet paper Carwyn managed to throw in at the last minute. It wasn't a sight at all.

"That looks horrendous," I said, my voice terribly hoarse. Carwyn chuckled warmly.

"Yeah, you went all out," Carwyn hummed. I could feel his dark eyes staring at me.

I fiddled with the cap of my water bottle, keeping my head down, "You gonna say I'm fucking weird or something?"

"Nah," Carwyn said, "I was gonna ask if you wanted to talk about it."

"Why would I want to talk about it?" I scoffed bitterly.

"Because you brutally assaulted his house with eggs and kinda almost died. I think I have the right to be concerned."

"So? That was the point of this, right?" I whipped my head up to meet Carwyn's gaze, but for some reason, I couldn't read his expression like I usually could. He was staring at me the same way he would stare at his phone: passive and awfully pensive.

I let out a sigh and looked away, feeling a mix of frustration and relief. It was frustrating that Carwyn wanted to talk about my feelings, but it was also a relief that he cared enough to ask. I couldn't deny that I was feeling a lot of emotions lately, and it was starting to become overwhelming.

"I don't know what to say," I admitted, feeling a knot form in my stomach.

Carwyn leaned against the car next to me, his eyes still focused on me. "You don't have to say anything. I'm just here to listen."

I hesitated for a moment.

"Talking about things helps, Jason. You look really upset," Carwyn said. "And if you think I'm gonna leave, or judge you, I'm not. I'm staying right here."

"Wow, so assuring of you," I rolled my eyes, sarcasm dripping off every word.

"I mean it."

"Yeah, sure," I licked my own chapped lips. I uncapped the bottle and brought the rim to my lips before saying, "I lied earlier. We were good friends. Eunwoo and I, that is."

"I assumed so," Carwyn murmured.

"But not anymore. He's a selfish shithead," I spat.

"He is," he nodded along. "But you miss him, don't you." I almost flinched.

I forced out a laugh, trying to recover properly, "Yeah. I do."

"And that's valid. It's okay to miss him."

"Do you think I care whether I feel validated or not right now?"

"I would like to remind you anyway," he said and crossed his arms over his chest. "Jason, have you ever thought of telling him how he made you feel?"

"No," I replied instantly. "That's stupid. It wouldn't change anything." I don't even want to see his fucking face anymore.

"Alright, if you think so," he muttered. "But if you want my opinion though, sometimes it's better to tell a person how you really feel before you lose the chance to."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I scowled. I knew what it meant, but I didn't have the energy to fight him back.

Carwyn shrugged, fishing his keys from his pockets and jangling it between his fingers, "We regret not saying the things we want to, yeah? In the back of our minds, we'll always wonder if we could have done this certain thing differently, how would things be now?"

"If we said this, would the person we wanted to stay by our side, stay?"

No, I wanted to say as I shifted in place from one leg to the other. There was nothing to say to Eunwoo. There was nothing I could have possibly done to make him stay.

I honestly didn't know if I was worth staying for anyway.

"I don't like it when you get all psychoanalyze-y," I admitted instead, capping the bottle after taking a quick swig from it. Carwyn rolled his eyes, looping his fingers through his key rings.

"I'll keep it in mind. You're still gonna hang out with me after this, yes?" Carwyn asked, and for a moment, I considered his words.

For some reason, I expected to come out of this wanting to get as far away from Carwyn as I could. It was something he shouldn't have seen, and knowing people, they judge. And yet, the more I expected Carwyn to judge me and be horribly repulsed by my being the same way I hated myself, Carwyn did the exact opposite.

He didn't judge me. There was nothing judgmental or pitiful in the way he stared at me, and he didn't just stare at me either. It was like he was seeing me, all of me, and I couldn't hide.

Most people would take one look at me and see right through me. But with Carwyn? He was looking right at me, treating me like I was still alive and there and not some shell or ghost of a person I wasn't sure really existed.

To Carwyn, I existed, and I didn't know how to feel about that.

"Let's head out for today," Carwyn jutted his chin back at the car when I didn't answer after a while. I nodded numbly, joining him inside and saying nothing as we pulled away from Eunwoo's home, not saying a single word as we headed back to the hospital once more.

I sat in the passenger seat, staring out the window as we drove in silence. My thoughts were jumbled, still trying to process everything that had just happened. I felt raw and vulnerable, like a wound that had just been opened up again.

But there was something comforting about Carwyn's presence beside me. He didn't try to fill the silence with meaningless chatter, didn't try to distract me from my thoughts. He simply drove, and I was grateful for that.

As we approached the hospital, he finally spoke up, "You know, you can always talk to me, right? About anything."

I turned to look at him, surprised by the sudden, weird offer. "Yeah?"

He nodded, his eyes fixed on the road ahead. "I'm not gonna pretend to know what you're going through, but I can be here for you. As a friend."

I felt a lump forming in my throat at his words. It was a simple offer, but it confused me even more for some reason. "Okay," I said, my voice barely above a whisper.

He glanced at me, a small smile on his lips. "Keep that in mind for me."

We pulled up to the hospital entrance, and I unbuckled my seatbelt. Before getting out of the car, I turned to Carwyn quickly, "And to answer your earlier question, yeah, I still want you to hang out with me."

"Good," he grinned, "because I have some more terrible jokes I want to share with you."

I laughed, the sound feeling foreign on my lips after everything that had happened. But it was a good kind of foreign.