A gift for ToukaPham , thank you for your help in "Save the Rhinos".

It always hurts so bad when I remember that one time you said you loved me much more than I loved you.

That's a big fat lie, I know, because I can't feel anything from your voice. I'm blind, I'm not deaf. Blinded by love.
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It always hurts so bad when I remember all of our jokes and flirts when we were still "in relationship".

It's just me who fell head over heels in the first place, not you, so your words didn't have any hidden meaning like mine did. I'm naive, I'm not stupid. Just because of my love for you.
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It always hurts so bad when I remember trying to change in order to make you happy.

I'm a tomboy, it's not comfortable at all when I wore a crimson skirt with pink hair clips and tiny ruby rings as accessories, but I still forced myself just for your faked smile coming along with a disgusted look. I'm average looking, I'm not ugly. But still, I put my pride away and continued behave like it was nothing like a puppet on strings.
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It always hurts so bad when I remember asking you if you really loved me.

At first, you tended to ignore it, but I managed to keep asking in several ways, risked my mental statement and ruined my reputation by following you everywhere. I'm patient, I'm not a coward. I just couldn't take it anymore and it's time to face the truth I had looked away for quite a long time.
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It always hurts so bad when I remember how you told me we were better "just be friends" and later texted me - now it's your ex - that breaking up was your worst decision in your entire life.

Let me make it clear. This time, you listen to me.

I love you with my heart and soul. I don't think I can ever love anyone like that. My parents don't care for me because I'm a trouble maker, all of my school years until now have been horrible as people judge my lifestyle, you're the rare one show me life's not that bad and one of the reason I didn't give up my life in the mean time. I appreciate that.

But you didn't love me. I don't know if you love me now or it's just because you regret letting me go, but as a so-called "friend", I bet it's the second one. I know I don't want to believe what tears my little glimpse of hope apart, on the other hand, I desperately want it to be that one. If my guess is right, I don't have to suffer from conflicts when considering of coming back or not and also prevent a dark future where I'm truly a puppet on strings acting like you want and finally accept being thrown away when I'm useless.

Look at me, tell me, do I look like your toy? Do I look like I have no dignity at all?

I don't hate you, I can't to be honest, and I love myself. I prefer myself.

So sorry, I can't come back with you. Maybe I'll consider when you have a better guarantee, like marry me or something like that, but I don't want to come back with you when you still treat me like I'm not a human being. You have a heart, I have a heart, both are fragile, but mine's way stronger than yours.

Guess this is our goodbye.

I'll always be here, behind you, support you even when the whole world let you down.

But come back? Never!
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It doesn't hurt when I chose to leave you. Well, at least not anymore.

But then, I don't feel like being alive at all. I can't sleep, breath harder than usual, lack of reaction to surroundings. Sometimes, I come to uncertain places, keep searching for something, someone, yet I have absolutely no memory about anything. Deja vu, as they always say on TV. I'm losing myself.

But still, I clear forgot about you. I can no longer recall your name, your face, your voice, your smile, your gestures,... I just know I once loved you, to the point of fusing all of my emotions with the "you" in my mind. Who are you? What was our relationship? How was it? Why it turned out that way? Was I good? Was I bad? Were you good? Were you bad? Were we awesome? Were we helpless?

I... Can't answer all of those questions.

Is this the price I have to pay?

Worth it? Worth it not?

I don't know. I really don't know.

Maybe I need to find you to gain the answers I want?

Is that what I want?

No.
Rather die.
I don't want to meet you again.
I know I'll fall for you no matter what. So please, never ever bump into me again.
Or else, I'll make you mine.
Forever and ever.