It's dinner time and I'm sitting at the table with my family.

My parents are chatting about their day while my brother keeps reaching for his phone in his pocket, and my mother glares at him every time he does.

We don't have a rule, per say, that we're not supposed to have a phone at the table, but it's kind of implied in the way our parents stare at us if we do.

"So, you went out today?" my mother suddenly asks me.

I've been quiet.

Ever since we came back to Canada, I've been quiet honestly. It's like I haven't found my footing yet, like I still don't completely feel like myself.

When I was in Cameroon, I missed home. But not really at the same time.

And now I'm thinking about that Nine Knots song, Sea Breeze again and I feel weird about it.

My mother is still waiting for an answer. "Yeah..."

She nods, still smiling. "That's good."

"I guess," I say and shrug, staring at my plate. "Things seem to be blowing over now."

"Yeah, her boyfriend brought a date to his friend's wedding. I think it's an ex-girlfriend of his. He probably just kissed you to make her jealous?" Miller says, grinning at me.

I frown. "Huh?"

"The girl he got photographed with. I think she was his English tutor or something. I've seen somewhere they dated," my brother explains.

How did he even know this? Has Miller been looking around gossip websites? The girls hadn't talked about this when I met them today.

Had they... had they tried to keep this from me for some reason, to maybe not hurt me?

Or the dating thing is just a rumor, and since they're real fans of Nine Knots, they know it's not even worth mentioning?

And also, why do I even care about this? Why did I feel somewhat hurt when my brother mentioned an ex-girlfriend?

I really need help.

"Regardless, yes, people seem to have focused their obsession somewhere else, so hopefully I'll be left alone again," I reply.

"You understand that we missed an amazing opportunity?" Miller tells me.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean they know Drake. One of their members did a collab with him. We could have totally talked with Drake!"

I sigh. "Are you honestly still talking about Drake? Honestly?"

"And why are you not? You only care about your boyband crush?"

"I will shove this piece of chicken down your throat, I don't care," I threaten him, stabbing the meat on my plate and shoving it in my brother's face.

"Kids, settle down," Mom says.

"Mom, where did you go wrong making him?" I whine, pointing at my brother.

"Mom, where did you go wrong making her?" Miller replies and sticks his tongue out at me.

"Oh, trust us, we didn't everything right," Dad grins.

My brother and I fake gag. "Ew."

My parents change subject.

I stare at my plate again. I'm not really hungry.

I'm not really anything if I'm being honest.

I don't know why I'm feeling like this lately, so... empty.

I've kinda felt like this before, but never quite like this.

I just kinda want to go back in my room and lay down on my bed and just stare at the ceiling.

I want to be left alone.

But I also want people around.

All of this is exhausting.

I manage to finish my dinner and once I'm done cleaning up, I go hide in my room.

I can feel my parents' gaze on my back as I close the door behind me.

They're worried, I can feel it.

I crawl on my bed, and grab my phone.

I frown, sitting up. I have a DM from Tenth Knot. I open it, slightly worried.

Oh, nothing to worry about. I feel relieved, as I reply.

I don't reply anything else. I don't want to take up too much of her time. My cousin sees her as some kind of celebrity, and she probably has better things to do than reply to my messages anyway.

She's got Nine Knots smut to write.

I lie back down, my arms spread on both side of me, letting my hand dangle from the side of the bed.

The sad truth right now, is that if the toxic fans have really moved on from me, I don't have a good reason to stay hidden in my room.

I'm not doing it out of necessity anymore. I'm doing it because I'm a slob again.

The truth was, this whole drama distracted me from the actual problem at hand.

And that problem is, what do I want to do with myself?

We move back to Canada in September. It was too late for me to enroll in any University. The problem was actually, I had no idea what I wanted to study in.

I don't even know if I want to continue studying. It just feels like the safer decision because it's like postponing becoming an adult.

Either way, I missed the enrollment, it's October now, and I will only be able to start Uni in January. So, that means I have about three months of doing... nothing.

And feeling like a useless slob.

I should look for a job. Yeah, I should at least do that.

I get up from my bed and head to my computer. I need to write a CV.

Yes, I'll do that. I'll look for a job, so I can busy myself and stop thinking about the fact that I have no aspiration and no future.

I find a template online and start filling it out. Apart from tutoring, I have like no work experience, so that's definitely going to be a problem.

I have so little info to put in that I'm done fairly quickly.

I stare at my screen.

I open Youtube. I type Nine Knots Sea Breeze. There's a video clip for this song.

I click on it.

The whole video is a montage of videos from the members. Some are from when they were children, and others are when I assumed they were doing the reality TV show.

There are a few of them when they're all hanging out together, older, probably more recent.

In all of them, they're by a body of water.

I find myself smiling at my screen. I almost get emotional. It's like I'm part of something, I'm just not quite sure what it is. Like, I'm seeing a cute montage of best friends, intimate moments they've shared with me.

I think about a family vacation we took before we moved to Cameroon, when my parents decided to drive all the way to Prince Edwards Island. The drive was excruciatingly long, but my mother looooved Anne of Green Gables, so she dragged us there.

I don't remember every second of that trip, but I remember a feeling, something nostalgic about it, but something comforting too, sitting on the red beach and looking at the sea.

The video stops.

I replay it.

___________________

Hello hellooooo! Thank you SO much for coming back again.

I hope you enjoyed this week's uploads. We're getting into Naree's real problem at hand now. I really want this story to be something comforting ultimately, so we have to start somewhere a little more sad, and that's how Naree is feeling right now.

Next week should be a little bit more funny. ;P And I also should be uploading the missing comment threads tomorrow.

Oh also, could you read the DMs more clearly this time?

Anyway, thank you so soooo much again! I love you guys! (and I should be putting the fake fanfic Xufeng/Jae-sang eyefucking chapter on TenthKnot's account real soon. ;P)