tw. mental health.

so... hi!

how are you all doing today???

i'm pretty good. my plan for this is to kinda just write ahha. i'm not going to go back and edit so this is all really my thoughts on one page.

so... mae, where have you been?

well... i was happy.

now, don't take that the wrong way. i love wattpad, and it gave me honestly some of my best memories through out these past few years. you all mean so much to me. but...

well, 2020 was definitely my most active year. i was constantly on wattpad. however, i was not in the best mental place during the majority of 2020. i was in a pretty bad spot for a long time, and i came to wattpad to try and distract me.

i loved every moment on wattpad, i really did. my time on here was incredible and i made such great friends and connections. but outside of here, i was in a pretty dark place and struggling a lot.

when i finished friendless, (which by the way, was a year ago!!) i promised myself i would take a break from writing because it did start to become a stress factor for me and i already had enough that i was dealing with.

i started to get distant during january throughout march of this year. that mainly was because school kept me very busy and i wasn't able to focus on other things. however, everything changed in april,

april was my schools musical. and we did six shows to make sure everyone who wanted to would be able to come see it. and i met such an amazing group of people during that time.

april—july was the best part of my year. by far. i had an amazing group of friends, i even had a really great relationship with this guy i really liked, my home life was good. everything in my life was coming together and i can proudly say that during that time i was truly happy. life was just so much better.

however, to quote waitress, "better never lasts forever." especially when you're me.

everything kinda fell apart in august. i was losing touch with friends, i dealt with a really hard heartbreak, and i slowly could feel myself falling back into my old depressed state. i became detached from everything and couldn't take it anymore.

now, i'm not saying "i'm unhappy with my life so i'm coming back to wattpad!" definitely not. that's honestly such a shitty thing to do. i just wanted to let you all know what's up with me.

my life hasn't been terrible recently. i made my schools fall play and it was a really great experience. i've grown closer with some of my friends and have even made some really great new ones. life is definitely looking up.

i'm not happy. or at least, not fully happy. and maybe i wasn't in the summer. maybe i just had all these amazing things to distract me from the way i was feeling.

i'm still struggling with certain things. relationships are complicated, people you think you know you honestly don't really, school his hard, kids are annoying, finals are coming up, will i make the school musical, am i going to be okay, will i ever move on, is this how my life is going to be, are my friends going to ask me to hang out, am i going to have to decide between them, will i be happy again.

all valid questions.

and with no answers.

but as i'm writing this. i'm okay with that.

it's very important to take care of yourself. so please, take some time and get help if you need it.

i don't know if i'll be returning back to wattpad. clearly, i don't know a lot of things.

i still think back to this summer. i try to avoid looking at certain photos or certain videos, but i can still remember the laughter. i think the best thing about those photos is the fact i had a genuine smile in. every. single. one.

wattpad was there for me through probably my darkest time. and i really appreciate all the love and support i received in this community. but right now. i'm taking a deep breath and taking it one day at a time.

enjoy this very random and unedited note.

love you all, always.
xoxo mae <33