A brilliant light hugs the land as the sun stretches out with golden arms. It's golden hues flicker with life, turning a shade of saffron as it nears the end of its journey beyond the horizon. The orange gold stretches far and wide, the color of fire hearths and tangerines. It is but the reflection of the dawn, the promise of the rising sun that comes after the velvety night has had its say and the land has rested once more. I cringed from the instantaneous heat that enveloped around me as I basked in the calm, humid weather that radiates to my pale skin, the easiest way for an immediate and stress-free tan. My skin newly kissed golden over the light muscles of my arms, freckles darkening over the bridge of my nose. Something about that new hue, perhaps reflecting the hazel green of my eyes, made my heart leap in a way it never had before.

I still haven't gotten familiar with the heat penetrating into my blood after spending years here.

Known as the Sunshine State... Florida.

It suits the name.

No offense to the residents, but I feel like Florida was meant for seniors to spend the rest of their retired lives near the Atlantic Ocean, relaxing in their armchairs, sipping cocktails in tall, glass cups with those little Hawaiian umbrellas for garnish.

                                                                                       * * *

"Julie, did you pack your vitamins?"

"Yes mom." I rolled my eyes nonchalantly, to realize she still presumed me as a child.

I sneaked a final glance across my room. My old, torn apart cradle was on the rear end; I vaguely recalled sleeping in something so bijou. Mom wanted to keep it as a recollection of my childhood, always gushing over how tiny I'd been once.

My room looked so monotonous, out of balance, so lifeless like how I was feeling. Medium-sized cardboard boxes filled to the brim with packing peanuts rested on my bedside table. The place looked so barren like the desert, no signs of me ever existing inside these walls.

Looking back at my life, it had drastically changed when mom encountered Andrew. She was repeatedly finding excuses to go out on dates to feel his presence. She said that I'd like him and he would make a wonderful father figure for me.

A few months after they met, she revealed they were engaged. Mom's cheek heated up at every mention of the wedding. I'd never seen her so worry-free and overjoyed before and I didn't want that to change so I agreed half-heartedly, accepting my new step-father.

We met at a local restaurant for the first time. I grimaced, recalling the tense situation that I had been trapped in. I was sweating terribly, adrenaline pumping through my veins, trying to bring energy back into my system.

I was anxious. It comes as an electrical storm in my brain that, quite honestly, is a painful plight. It's different from a usual headache and it feels the same as intense sorrow, perhaps as a sort of frozen panic with nowhere to turn to for assistance. So though I appear calm, my sad eyes are saying far more than "help me." They are saying that my soul is in such unbearable mental pain and all for the lack of real affection.

"You must be Juliana," Andrew pronounced my whole name as I gave my full attention to him and trapped my feelings inside, "What a pleasure to finally meet you."

We shook hands. His was tense and stiff as I felt the pressure a bit overwhelming but managed a shaky smile, much to my dismay. I met his carefully flickering eye; His hair was a mop of blond strands, framing his eyes which were blue like the water bottle caps in the cooler behind him. His cropped hair was sticking out from within a red 49'ers football cap, his navy blue eyes held a surprised yet alarmed tone, he was taller than most men. I could see why mother had made him her choice. He was irresistible.

"Julie," I corrected. "Thank you for the warm welcome." Mom had taught me to speak politely, something I legitimately loathed... pretending.

I watched the servers, all young people dressed in white tunics move wordlessly to and from the table, keeping the platters and glasses full. I stirred the coke placed in front of me, seeing the froth form as I sipped slowly.

"How old are you... Julie?" Andrew queried after a moment, patting a zigzagged handkerchief on his forehead due to sweating from the heat.

"16," I said, gazing into the distance to see other families laughing and sharing delighted moments.

"Ah, my Opal is your age, I assume you both go to the same class... perhaps," He smiled bitterly, showing off his white pearly teeth as he gently folded his handkerchief and placed it into his shirt pocket.

My eyes fluttered back to his, my eyebrows furrowed in skepticism.

Mom faked an irritated cough that reverted our attention back to her.

A 'V' was etched between her normally calm brows, and her eyes were like polished amber in the first rays of dawn. They darted back and forth between Andrew and me, as if she were watching a tennis match. Must be first time jitters seeing if we interacted well with each other, testing the waters gradually.

"Opal... Jenkins?" I whispered in disbelief. Andrew hadn't heard me utter her name, but mom had. She stole a secret scowl at me, gesturing with her worked-up eyes as I lowered my head in indignity and kept quiet as the night drifted. Time was not in my favor, lallygagging more than an entire tortoise's marathon.

Mother ordered pasta for all of us, not bothering to ask for our preferences and we didn't tell her, as she kept batting her lacy trimmed eyelashes around each perfect caramel-hued iris.

They chuckled about old news, childhood memories and adult things that didn't appeal to me.

I groaned inside my head from boredom as I drummed my hands against the chestnut, coffee table in synchronization with the tune dwelling in my head, the same rhythm I'd heard since I took my first breath into this new atmosphere. I faintly remember the lyrics, yet the tune kept playing in the background whenever I let my mind waver. It reminded me that there was always something out there... waiting for me to arrive. Something that I'm meant to be a part of. More than being stuck indoors during summer vacation and having my nemesis live under the same roof as me.

Opal. I felt the nipping soreness in my throat as I choked on a pasta noodle: the same blond haired, freckled girl that pushed me greedily off the swings as a child, the girl who mocked me, teased me. I was going to be stuck with her... possibly permanently.

                                                                                     * * *

"Aren't you excited!?" Mom interjected, cutting me out of my thoughts

Almost a month had cruised by since the wedding but to me it felt like decades. Opal and I had to divide a bedroom due to her brother not wanting any 'girls' in his.

Owen wasn't half as bad as his older sister. Even though he may be a loon sometimes, I envisioned he'd taken after his mother, a preferable version of Opal.

I've never seen Mrs. Jenkins before. She didn't drop the brother-sister duo at school, and never showed up during our annual science fair. I was beginning to believe their mom didn't care or she had put her job over family matters, but I'd been wrong in both scenarios.

She wasn't even alive.

Mom had explained to me the day before the wedding, explaining why Opal and Owen had a tough time adjusting to this new arrangement.

They missed their mother.

And I knew how they felt.

Mrs. Jenkins had died when Opal was twelve. I couldn't stop the tears welling in my eyes for her. I felt completely connected to her.

As much as I abhorred her guts, I felt a peace of mind to have something in common. We only had one parent to associate with.

Dad.

He'd never been part of my life, more like a distant relative. He never bothered to call, never visited his only child. He was a total stranger to me. Still, I felt a bond between us, something that helped me get through hard times with only one parent who was constantly working odd hours due to being a doctor and never knowing when someone needed assistance. A parent who was always busy, who never made time to play softball or take me to the movies. Never helped me with school. I'd been independent as years rolled by. And I hated every minute of it.

I detested my life, especially when I found out what my step-dad had planned.

"WHAT?! We can't leave!" I yelled at their pale faces. My voice rose an octave or two.

"Julie! That is no way to talk to your father," Mom chided.

"He's not even my dad," I countered, tears rolling down my cheeks, my face heated up from anger and confusion. An acerbic taste lingered in my mouth.

"Julianna Marie Cult!" Mom spat out, using my full name, inclining to have almost slapped me across the face if Andrew hadn't intervened. I wiped my face from the hot tears springing on my cheeks, down my neck as I dashed up the stairs in fury, closing my bedroom door forcefully as I could muster.

Tearing out the piece of paper I'd written my to-do list for summer vacation, I dragged my fingers from top to bottom remembering the times I'd finished each one and placed a tick except the last one.

#12 Go Stargazing

Every year I would sit upon those summer nights, near the fields of golden wheat, below the black heavens alight with stars, and gaze through the most wonderful and high-tech telescope.

This year... things were different.

With mom's full time job at the clinic and a new relationship to handle, she hasn't had much space in her hectic schedule for us to have our mother daughter times anymore.

I crumpled the paper into a ball and intended to throw it into the wastebasket but I missed by inches.

Usually my aim was flawless but today my mind was disturbed and not letting me focus on anything else.

"What should we do?" I heard mom murmur downstairs.

"We'll let the topic sink in to her... let her mull over it before we rush things," Andrew softly suggested, keys clinging in his hand.

I heard their monotonous tread of footsteps. Mom heating up a mug of hot water, Andrew closing the kitchen blinds with trepidatious steps I could scarcely make out.

I heard faint creaks on the wooden tiles, indicating someone approaching my door. A feeble knock followed, chilling my spine.

"Go away."

"This is my room too, you know."

I wiped the tears from my watery eyes, tucking a wild strand of thin, loose hair behind my ear as I opened the door handle with an unwelcoming smile.

"Oh... hi," I closed the door behind me bashfully.

"Were you crying?" I faced her perfect set of eyes. She had the same vibrant blue eyes as her father but hints of brown interjected, making an unusual contrast. I couldn't stop gushing over her wavy, honey golden hair that traced back to her waist in a tangled french braid. Her lips lingered in a small frown, smeared with red lipstick without an off balance. If I hadn't known her I would have conjectured that she was younger than me.

"Mind your own business," I muttered as Opal tapered her frigid eyes at me but they jerked away at the sound of the doorbell.

"Whatever... I'm off to Rachel's."

Showoff; I wanted to avow. She had never bothered if I were miserable or even if I ceased to exist. She'll probably be pleased to be the only girl in the family... again.

Rachel was another one of the other spoiled girls that followed Opal like she was the queen of England.

Don't these kids have a mind of their own?

They are what I call a flock of sheep, if one jumps in a well... all of them follow without thinking of the consequences since they don't have a clue of their own to judge if they're doing the right thing.

I waited until Opal departed the room, keeping my shoulder unswerving, not wanting to give her the upper hand in this match.

I felt the bittersweet taste still linger in my mouth. My mom... how could she force me to leave the only place I felt welcome, all warm and fuzzy in Florida? How could she make me abandon all those valuable evocations just 'cause Andrew got a good job opportunity in Switzerland'? I didn't want to think about my life in an uncharted location.

Like hitting the refresh button on my life. I felt like my whole existence had been a waste of time.

I threw myself onto the bed, kicking my legs forcefully like a child. Pouting my lips, as I sulked. My heart ached with pending guilt. I had never raised my voice at mom before. I was always known as the placid natured child. I guess my reputation has been long gone now.

I heard the front door slam shut downstairs, the bolt locking. They must be going out. I creeped on my tiptoes, glancing back at the bedroom window. The curtains smelled of apple cider and freshly pressed laundry. I breathed in the smell that always reminded me that I'm not alone, I always will have someone by my side, someone who plays softball and asks me how my day went, someone who would kiss me goodnight and laugh when I crack a silly joke.

I couldn't remember his face, it had been too long. Yet, I felt the resemblance of him in me. Mom always would sigh saying I'd taken after dad more. She didn't like mentioning him, but something always came up that involved dad... my dad. It's like he's still in our hearts but actually not present.

I saw mom wave goodbye as she noticed me peeking. The strands of her medium-length, chocolate brown hair flew all around her, blown by the ocean breeze nearby.

Her eyes that I remembered had a childish touch were extracted. Erased when Andrew showed up, making mom into a woman I didn't perceive.

I tentatively waved back, forgetting my anger for a second.

I could feel the warmth of the evening sun as I ran my hand through the window, leaving smudgy spots.

Draping the gauzy curtains shut after the red BMW left the garage, I breathed in the late evening air, the cleanest of the day. The curtains filtered the remaining sunlight that somehow spied inside filling the cues a light golden vibe.

I exhaled silently, turning the knob of the chestnut colored door, as I slipped past the familiar photo disposed of on the corner table in my room that had been taken long ago... a 3 year old me with the mom that always put a smile on my face before she changed drastically at Disney World.

She had her hands secured tight around my torso as I pressed my face against her cashmere sweater beaming at the camera, my dimples showing. Our fingers entwined, a ring shone with illumination on her finger painted hot red. I had never seen that ring before. It had a small heart etched on the top, the silver, color of the full moon at twilight, just before the sun made its way, brightening the sky.

I copped a grin, brushing my finger lightly on my parted lips and touching the photo of us.

I stepped into mom's room, looking for the same sweater she had worn in the photo. I wanted to remind her how those days were memorable and could not be forgotten.

Shuffling through her dirty gym clothes that littered the floor, I found her ruby necklace laid carelessly on the bed, with its latch unclasped. Gently, I picked up the delicate necklace with both hands. Placing it inside its case and closing the latch to tuck it away.

The closet was a whole other issue. Empty hangers fell to the floor, summer dresses lay lopsided in bundles, and a collection of sunglasses spilled from their cases.

Looking at the bed, I noticed mom had already started to pack, all her belongings stuffed into a disorderly pile, lopping into the purple suitcase. Floral dresses spilling from the sides, sweats tucked into a tight ball and her makeup scattered on her bedspread, the lid of her crimson lipstick loosely closed.

Taking the bundle of laundry from mom's basket, I gave a grimacing pout. Mom had forgotten to do the laundry yet again.

Sighing, I held the bundle in my hands. My sight was cropped off as I struggled to keep one foot after the next. Hobbling over to my room for a basket to put them, I feared I'd stumble over the stairs and break my leg in the process.

The second my foot came in contact with a tangled carpet, I slipped. The soiled clothes helped me with a comfortable fall but not to say the same for my photo.

The only one that transported me back to the good old days laid shattered on the ground. I thanked God that nothing happened to the content as I quickly collected it, making sure not to prick myself from the jabbing glass that covered my floor.

Kissing the photo, I held it in the eye's view and admired the photo for intriguing details I'd missed behind a dusty, glass frame. I felt my thumb discover a fold, seeing that the photo wasn't quite finished.

A man in his early 30's stood near mom, his arms around her as he tousled my hair around. His coffee green eyes mimicked my own, and his laughable expression was an eye catcher. I could feel the heat growing in my stomach, my breathing dwindling with shock. I rubbed my thumb across the exposed picture, enhancing the moments that crawled back to me.

My father.

He had been a part of my life, then why did he take the initiative to leave me? His only child?

Absentmindedly my hands urged me to inspect the back of the photo, I gasped, my breathing caught in my throat.

There it was, written in the neatest handwriting, with a fine blue ink.

The words I have anticipated to read.

My eyes flowed through the words. Reading each line made my hands tremble, and my legs shake; something they never did because it's like 90 degrees outside.

To my little JUJU,

I have to leave you and mommy, but don't be sad.

I'm sure you will grow up to be a wonderful young woman.

I'm proud to have been your father.

If you ever need me, my new address is down below.

244 Caribou, Maine, Solman ST

Sincerely,

Your father

P.S- Don't take it on your mom, it wasn't her fault.

P.P.S- Do come for a visit, at least invite me to your wedding.

I couldn't help but roll my eyes. Did he really think I'd stay away that long?

"Honey, we're home!" I heard hushed footsteps climb up the stairs, and water running loosely in the bathroom. Quickly I stashed the picture under my oval pillow, and grabbed a brand new mat stored away in my closet and spread it over the unsuspected broken glass.

"Jules, mind helping me pack?"

Taking a last look at the letter, hidden out of plain sight, I carefully stepped over the mat. I had to dispose of the glass later, before anyone got seriously injured.

"Thank you sweetie. I know this is hard for you to grasp; it was for me as well but Andrew had good intentions for us, for our future... we... you have to trust his judgement," Mom said, handing me all her brand new perfume bottles, the scent making my head dizzy.

"I know, mom," I murmured quietly, "I know."

"So, are you fine with the move?" Mom's eyes lit up with aspiration, her hands curling around my frame, playfully coiling my hair with her fingers.

Eyes downcast, I nodded.

Mom enthused a thanks, leaving the room to let me pack the rest of her belongings.

Dinner was a composed experience, plates clinking against the steel forks, the smell of cilantro and basil wavering in the air and engulfing my nostrils. The heat pushed against my throat, feeling the spices blend. Andrew might not be the best dad but he was a serious and experienced cook.

"Mmm, delicious lasagna, honey," Mom complimented, pressing a small kiss on Andrew's cheek and leaving the tip of his ears light pink and a small streak of lipstick smudging his clean, shaved cheek.

"Glad someone enjoyed it," he lisped, giving me and Opal a brazen smile.

Owen, my step-brother, was fussing over the little chunks of broccoli, removing them and keeping it aside. The blonde hair and vibrant orchid eyes made his feather dusting of freckles pop against his fair skin. The hint of a scar slashed from his upper cheek bone to his lips on the right side of his face, his sharp features suggested he worked out a ton. His hair, like Andrew was underneath a cap, smushed into his face to hide the disappointment in those vivid golden eyes.

Mom didn't bother forcing him to eat his veggies. Her face had strains of wrinkles, her eyes were distant as if she wasn't in reality, and her hands robotically moved the clumps of cheese into her mouth, as she chewed slowly and repeated the pattern over and over and over.

Opal seemed more livid, scowling at Andrew when he met her gleaming eyes, her eyebrows knitted together as she forced down her meal in silence, yet inside burning in rage.

She mustn't have enjoyed the idea of relocating either.

Days later,

"Julie, did you pack your vitamins?"

"Yes, mom."

My bedroom felt lifeless without it's usual cheery charm. Reaching out under the pillow, I pulled out the last thing I needed to pack.

The only photo containing my whole family.

A smile tugged on my lips, looking at how small and innocent I'd been. Having a breezy life, how we'd all lived in harmony.

I wanted to see him, but a raw feeling in the pit of my stomach told me to disobey my heart. I reached out, hugging the photo, a few tears dripping down my cheek as I quickly wiped them away.

I jumped into the red BMW, after helping stack the cumbersome luggages and bags.

The tall oak trees passed in a blur, each one identical to the next. The rising sun cast a rosy hue across the morning sky, and birds flocked on the antler-shaped branches of the sycamore trees that dotted the facade of a grocery store.

Andrew turned up the radio, as the mellifluous music drifted through the car, ricocheting my heart around my chest.

Opal's company perturbed me, as she kept a stern face. Her honey, golden hair swept over her face like a curtain, as if she was trying to hide behind the silk-like tassels.

"We're here."

Mom stalled a smile, tucking her loose strands of cinnamon hair behind her ear, making her face seem at ease.

"Let's go."

The creaky wheels rubbed against the hard crystalline limestone, the spotless white turning a shade of wet, light brown with pieces of green grass stuck in between as the pads of our shoes came in contact with it. I rubbed my soles against the rugged surface, removing the excess moisture from the sprinklers outside the airport.

The air conditioning made me shiver slightly. I clutched the handle of my purple suitcase tighter, leaving my hand automatically sweating and the color turning a shade of pastel pink due to the intensity of my grip.

With my arms full of mom's paper shopping bags she'd bought during our long wait, I strolled towards a nearby coffee shop to get a drink for my stiff, dehydrated throat. Some warm caffeine would really help right now to energize my drained body from lagging heavy bags over my shoulder for hours.

"Hello miss, can I help you?" A young girl with light blond hair, and strawberry colored, tanned freckles asked me as I distracted myself by looking over at the menu in dismay.

"Um... can I have a regular coffee?" My eyelids drooped half-way, struggling to function properly without a burst of energy. My hands shook to reach my wallet in my travel bag, but I managed to pay and grab my cup with both hands, securing it so I wouldn't mistakenly drop it in carelessness.

Rotating back, I sipped the lukewarm liquid, enjoying the flavor blasting in my taste buds as I proceeded slowly towards the waiting room.

As predicted, Opal was passing time texting her friends about how she'd miss having them, and maybe she'll come back when she gets older to move out.

I settled myself away from my family to enjoy moments to engulf in my own thoughts and profoundly beseech my adamant heart to give up its losing battle to turn back, because it was too late now.

Disposing my paper cup, I decided to check out a floral shop while I was awaiting for our plane to arrive.

The fragrance irked me in a way with a strong, overpowering aftertaste. An older woman seated herself upon my arrival, as she smiled sweetly like the aroma of blossoming sunflowers near me. Her blond, bleached hair flaked to her shoulder, as iridescent steel blue eyes danced from the reflection of the sun.

"Hello dear, any special occasions?" She hand-picked a Dahlia from a pile of assorted beauties, and trusting it in my brunette shaded hair after shaking my hand with a gesture for me to sit on one of the fur coated, violet seats.

"You alone?" she asked, her eyes in plain curiosity.

I shook my head. "I wish."

"Oh, poor dear." She puckered her scarlet shaded lips. "Are you feeling ok, hon?"

I nodded. "I... my stomach feels funny."

"Hm, sometimes that happens to me when I feel out of place."

"I... I'm starting to feel sick." I averted my gaze to the floor for a few seconds, unable to grasp the intense brightness of the shop.

My eyes caught something. I pretended to get up for a stretch, strolling over to the roses to admire their petals twisting in odd directions, their thorns fading by day while their beauty remained constant to my eyes. A subtle flavor enveloped me as I glanced out the small, curved window. The sun was now at its peak, a mixture of yellows and oranges merged into a beautiful contrast against the aquamarine sky, spotted with white clouds that moved to and fro in harmony.

"You sure you're ok, honey?"

I whipped my head around, eyeing the ticket to my problems that laid recklessly near the stool where I sat. If only I could somehow make it past the florist, unsuspecting.

"I... can I please have a drink of water?" I requested.

She looked iffy about my ulterior intentions. I began to think I was a goner but she obliged, reaching for her keys to the cooler in another room.

Getting the chance I needed, I wasted no time inspecting my surroundings and seeing no one paying attention to me or what I was about to do.

My hands clasped over the strip of paper, smelling of ink and dust. I glanced closer to note the date.

Today.

In ten minutes.

I was in luck.

Upon further inspection I noted the person's name; someone must have dropped their ticket by accident.

Should I return it to the rightful owner?

Or keep it?

The destination made me gag... no way, it can't be a coincidence.

SURR NAME: ERZA.S GATE: 21

FROM: MIAMI, FL GATE CLOSES: 11 A.M

TO: PORTLAND, ME TIME: 3 HR & 15 MINS

DATE: 25. 7. 2012

FLIGHT: 23917394332 CLASS: ECONOMY

SEAT: 202S

Hiding a smile that flashed across my face, I folded the ticket gently into the back pocket of my jeans.

"Here hon, drink up." Turning around, I grabbed the cup containing cold water, tilting it until my mouth came in contact with the brim. The refreshing liquid washed off the last remains of the bittersweet caffeinated drink.

I felt uneasy when the florist drummed her long, red painted nails on the counter. As if she was waiting for me to say what I was planning.

"I should leave now. Thanks for the water."

"Mhm, safe travels."

I stepped outside the store, the traces of flowers leaving my mind. With my hands entwined over my phone, I hovered over the apps, searching for the map.

Seeing that I'd have to travel by car for more than four hours once I landed, I dawdled longer. The time ticked by, showing I only had five minutes to grasp the chance or let it slip away.

Walking over to the waiting seats, I saw mom and Andrew weren't there which convinced me even more that this was my fate. Opal wasn't paying attention to me as usual, as she blew a bubble with gum, her eyes closed while her head bobbed a few times to a song she was listening to.

Owen was gobbling up a grilled cheese sandwich, while playing games with his phone to pass time. Neither noticed me grab my suitcase and slip my phone in mom's handbag.

Walking away, I realized no one knew where I was headed and I didn't want a search party looking for someone who didn't want to be found. Grabbing my doodle book from the front zipper of my luggage, I ripped out a page of blank paper. My memories flashed back to each image I'd drawn over the years, where I drew them, how I felt.

Shaking my head from the indistinguishable recollections, I took out a pen, taking the cap off with my mouth and started to write as neatly as my shaking hand would allow me to:

I'm so sorry,

Really am, please don't fume over my decision.

I can't go there, please don't force me.

I love you mom and please don't take it on you or anyone, this is my choice and I am the one to blame for my actions. Maybe I'll return one day. Maybe if you'd like to spend more time with me.

Thank you for all the love you showered over me.

XOXO

-Julie

Holding back the tears that threatened to spill over, and with a vigilant look on my face I placed the letter alongside mom's luggage where she'll see it but it will take awhile and give me a chance to get ahead.

With one last look at Opal and Owen, I raced to the awaiting crowd with a striding maneuver for the next boarding flight.

The bustling crowd made me feel claustrophobic. There was a feeling of jubilation in the crowd as I pushed to the check-in.

"Hello, miss." A middle-aged woman with cat-eyed glasses and hair; thick as molasses, raised her eyebrows in perplexity as she lowered her glasses and peeked behind me. "Travelling alone, sweets?" I noticed her name tag: Jennifer Roth.

"Yes," I murmured, keeping my eyes law-abiding, as I took a gander over my shoulder to see if anyone heeded my nervousness.

I shifted my weight from one foot to the other as butterflies erupted in the pit of my stomach.

"Ticket please."

Sweat dripped down the back of my neck, and my feral eyes went tremendous as I chewed on my lip for support.

I was caught red-handed. Jennifer would see this ticket didn't belong to me, and I would get in big, big trouble.

Why was I so moronic, so doltish, so reckless?

"I..." With my head bent down, my cheeks flushed the color of a ripened cherry. I was about to confront her when I felt someone place a hand on my shoulder.

"Hello, hon." she whispered, her captivating eyes set on mine as she whirled around to face the ticket collector, "Do me a favor, will ya, Jenny."

"What?" Jennifer queried, her eyes going dull and an impassive look flashed over her.

"You see that gentleman over there? He needs some assistance." She jerked her chin towards an elderly man who waved frantically, then coughed into his sleeve.

"But..."

"Now, now, don't forget this is your duty too." She secretly winked at me as the ticket collector reluctantly nodded, letting me pass through without a check.

"Thank you," I purred.

The florist smiled. "Pleasure is all mine." And she departed before I could even ask for her name.

The rain pelted against the misty window, clearing out the vapor so I could glance outside with ease. The sky was leaden, and carried an unpleasant chill in the air. From blossomed clouds came water-petals into the fresh spring air.

The dappled sunlight shone through the trees, creating mysterious shadows against the city below. The blue sky was dotted with fluffy white clouds that drifted lazily in the gentle breeze.

I was in a zone, in awe with whatever was occurring this second. I wished to prolong this moment forever.

My hands came in contact with the earphones I picked up in a box on the walkway outside. I unzipped its contents, and fumbled with the knots and ties until they got cleared out.

Around me wails of babies, adults talking in hushed tones, air hostesses serving beverages were the noises I heard -- I couldn't hear any of that as I slipped on the earphones. Floated away to a fantasy world; a place I could be... me.

No one to tell me what to do, no one to leave me alone when I needed them the most.

It was just me like it always had and will be.

And the music stalling inside my head, vowing to never let go.

My body was present in the plane yet my soul was distant. Eager to be somewhere else, anywhere but here.

A place I was yet to unravel.

My fingers brushed through the list of songs, and subconsciously clicked one.

The song busted through my headphones, leaving my mind to smash the daydreaming and comfort myself onto the seat; I began to mouth the words. It came to me as a surprise. I had never heard this song before, yet I knew the lyrics? I felt a sense of déjà vu coursing through my body.

My fingers tapped, my foot drummed, my head shook. All to the beat I heard, even my heart joined in.

"Welcome to Wonderland, we've got it all

Potions and pastries that make you grow tall

Forests and cottages, castles and cards that can talk

Welcome to Wonderland, look where you're at

Maddest of hatters, the Cheshire Cat

Magical cabins and lovely white rabbits with clocks

Dancing through a dream underneath the stars

Laughing 'til the morning comes

Everyone that leaves has a heavy heart

Oh, Wonderland I love

Welcome to Wonderland, I'll be your guide

Holding your hand under sapphire skies

Let's go exploring or we could just go for a walk

Welcome to Wonderland, where should we go

There's a tea party along down the road

Make an appearance and maybe they'll sing us a song

Dancing through a dream underneath the stars

Laughing 'til the morning comes

Everyone that leaves has a heavy heart

Oh, Wonderland I love

Nothing around here is quite as it seems

Not sure if anything's real or a dream

And the only thing sure from the start

Is the song that's inside of your heart

Don't let it leave

If this was a dream, then at least I've got

Memories for when morning comes

Now that I must leave with a heavy heart

Oh, Wonderland I love"

My mind lugged back to my three year old eyes. Seeing the brush of freckles over my cheeks as I would eagerly hear my dad strum his guitar with such precision while he sang, lulling me to sleep. And he planted a single kiss on my forehead as he left the song clinging to me, even after he wasn't there to sing it anymore.

The last time he played for me felt like decades, I had tears welling up in my eyes after he completed the chord. The lampshade had given the guitar a deep hue of caramel, the kind of brown that can melt a heart and warm a soul.

The lines on his face etched the story of a happy life. His crow's feet spoke of laughter and the deep creases in his cheeks told of a man who gave away smiles like they were wishes. Yet a more sorrowful face I had never seen. A film of water made his dark eyes glossy and his face was fallen, submissive to gravity. His hair the tone of melted chocolate and normally neatly combed, bore the telltale signs that his jaded hands had been run through it in distress. It was the face of a man who had lost what he knew he must lose, but the knowing did not soften the desolation.

"Daddy, how are you so good at playing?"

"Hmm, let me tell you something Julie, something my father told me about how life is like playing a guitar."

I clapped my hands in glee, yearning to feel the power of music reverberating through my room.

"The guitar can only meet its full destiny when the player is brave enough to meet theirs."

My destiny?

Was all this implying something?

Streams of tears flowed faster down my flushed cheeks faster than my heartbeat. Removing the headphones, I dazed out. Nostalgia hit me way harder than any physical punch.

There were nights I lay in my bed listening to the sound of fighting. My mother would shout, my father would begin laying into her, and the screaming would start. She cried, he seethed, and I pushed my face into the toy teddy my three year old body was wrapped around. I would think to myself that when father left, I would leave with him, flee the violence. Then one day he did leave... and I remained right where I was with just a teddy to console me.

Shifting over to my other side, I silently sobbed and quickly wiped the tears away before anyone could see them. A great tremor overtook me; my throat tightened and my breathing was like inhaling poison.

Overhead, the pilot ordered us to buckle our seatbelts as a gust of turbulence was blowing in our direction.

I felt a burden in my heart, twisting around my bones. My eyes spilled over as the plane shook moderately. I began to feel my choice was leading me in the wrong direction. I felt something crashing down on me. I didn't feel like I belonged here... I was home-sick for the first time. 

I closed my eyes to remove the stark experience, sweat breaking free from my forehead as the darkness leaked closer and the song played as a soft lullaby in the background.

* * *

The crisp, unstirring evening air removed the agitation. The surge of the wind blowing on my perspiring face felt like utmost freedom from the remorseful trip.

A tranquil sight finally descended upon me. All my cluttered thoughts scattered, letting me concentrate on the view nature has provided.

The sun was like a glowing medallion in the atmosphere. The well-rounded trees provided shade, streaks of clouds tinted light pink dabbed the sky.

As I await the starlight and the silvery moon to come soon, the shadows of the trees dance upon the cedar fences surrounding me. They dapple the wood, the leaves flickering like candlelight, creating a new picture from moment to moment. Amid the perfume of the summer blooms, the cool of the evening washes over me. From neighboring gardens comes the music of laughter, the promise of playfulness and new joys to brighten my dreams.

The amber coursed into a cue of pink and saffron as I pushed my luggage underneath the dusk skies. I was ready for calm stillness, for that I felt the same sense relaxed in a hammock back home, upon some sun-soaked, palm-adorned paradise.

I missed Florida so, so much.

And I missed mom even more: the longer we floated apart, the more my heart tugged to be near her. Once again my emotions turn jagged and my insides tighten. I cry out in tension, "I love you, please help me. Come sit with me; hold my hand. Eat cookies with me. Call me. Look into my eyes, connect, because I'm falling."

I wait, wide eyed, heart in my mouth, hoping for kindness. I need a hug, even if it is just mere words. I need soothing like a child. Instead, I balk. Mom doesn't know where I am, but I was unwilling to think she was happy without me, having a blast with Andrew at a party. I obliterated the idea out of my head before I grew insane.

And then there are hot tears, ones they will never see, falling fast and thick onto my sweater. I feel the wetness of my skin and each drop as it emerges from open eyes.

I close my eyes, letting my mind fill with her voice. I wanted to call her softly to see if she can step out of the wrinkled, fraying photo in the front pocket of my suitcase, but this isn't Hogwarts and I'm no Hermione Granger to undertake such a far-fetched task.

I checked the time on my Apple watch; I forgot I'd worn it when I departed. The numbers read "3:32."

Mom would have definitely noticed I was gone, and probably arrived in Switzerland already and tried to contact me.

'Focus, Julie,' I nudged myself. 'The hard parts are just arriving.'

The streets were a marriage of sounds, from bicycle wheels to chattering to the roaring of cars zooming past as a blur. The cobbled streets were a weathered grey, strongly built to withstand the harsh weather of Maine. Even in summer, I felt the freezing wind blow on my face as my teeth chattered in unison.

The sounds reminded me of my street; so quiet and festive at the same time. I had walked those streets my whole life, I know them just the same as if they were etched into my head with a sharp knife, scored in the deep like some strange work of art. Those were the streets I grew up on and for the most part I'm more calm there, at home, on the down low with a steady heartbeat. Not tonight though. Tonight my heart wants out of my chest. It wants to beat free of its cage. It pounds like it's going to crack a rib. My senses are on high alert. Every color is brighter, every noise louder, every stranger a cause to make my heart beat more fiercely. It's been like that since I arrived. It was like I was meant to come here, like something else held me rooted to the ground and didn't let me flee.

Seeing a glossy yellow haze approaching me, my heart fluttered as I breathed the wetness of the thick air.

"Hey miss, need a ride?" the taxi driver questioned, halting in front of me. His monotonous grey eyes were like a dove's wings delicately drawn with number 2 pencil: they had that look of birds flying on sunlit days, the shine and quick movement, yet relaxed, purposeful, at ease. This gave me the courage, seeing the honest highlights in his eyes as I opened the car handle and got in.

"Where are we going?" he asked, checking me from the rearview mirror as he arranged the top hat on his shaggy head.

Verifying that I'd memorized it correctly, I told him the address to which he nodded, as he pushed the gas pedal.

"You'd better get comfortable, it's gonna take a few hours to reach," he said. The background music coaxed me to take a nap, but I tried to resist the urge.

I shot up, and my adrenaline spiked as he flew across the streets. Clenching my seat tighter, I braced myself for a rough stop. But this car breathes and takes energy as if it were part of the flora of this land, and so driving becomes as natural as running free.

I didn't know what to do until the time elapsed for me to stretch my cramped legs so I managed to doze off even when I didn't feel like it. My body was exhausted from the trip here.

The driver cruised slowly to a suspended position which jerked me awake. He then turned around to face me.

"This is as far as I can go. This is a private neighborhood but it should take only a few minutes to reach this address," he informed me. I paid close attention to his words.

"Thank you, um?"

"Jake."

"Jake," I said, smiling. "How much do I pay?"

He batted his hands in the air, "Don't worry about it. It's on the house, you seemed lost anyway."

"Thank you so much."

He grinned, showing his deep dimples. "Don't mention it. By the way, are you Mr. Cult's relative by any chance?"

"Yea, he's my dad."

Jake hummed in contentment. "Thought I recognized those eyes somewhere. Well tell your pop I said 'hi'. It's been a while."

"Um... sure?"

He let out a chuckle. "Have a good evening, miss. Stay safe out there, heard a lot of wild animals come out during this time of the day."

I bid farewell with an uncanny feeling resting in my stomach. My luggage was strapped around my back; it'd be a hassle from the rocky terrain I'd have to walk on now.

From the rich brown earthen hues of the forest ground to the sweetness of the dark blue sky, the forest is a three dimensional wonderland for the eyes who are willing to absorb the light. Never had I imagined spending my summer vacation in this natural beauty. Upon the forest floor lies brambles and branches of evergreen and oak, fallen in storms long forgotten. The seasons had been harsh, stripping away the bark and outer layers, yet rendering them all the more stunning. They have the appearance of driftwood, twisting in patterns that remind me of seaside waves; even the color of the moss is kelp-like. They are soft and damp, yet my prying fingers come out dry. I tilted my head upward, feeling my brunette hair tumble further down my back. The pines are several houses tall, reaching toward the enlightening, early stars. The last calls of birdsongs come in lulls and bursts, the silence and the singing working together as well as any improvised melody. A new smile painted itself upon my face, rose-pink lips semi-illuminated by the dappled light. Before I knew it my feet had begun to walk, body and mind both on set on autopilot as I waltzed past the beauty of nature clouding around me.

It was like the song.

This was my wonderland.

A place I could roam free without a worry.

Maybe destiny was fair after all.

A mournful, somber call of pain from the premises jerked me back to my senses. The walls of joy crumbled momentarily, leaving me stuck in a dark, unlit woods containing species unknown to mankind, and possibly for the best undiscovered at all.

I cursed myself for thinking this dream utopia would last forever, because life wasn't a fairy tale to end in 'happily ever after'.

This was the real deal breaker. Who knew what animals roamed these lands, and what they were capable of?

All of a sudden, I began to feel these few minutes walk stretched longer and wider as sweat broke free from my forehead.

I felt the presence of someone -- or something -- just beyond the silhouettes of the dark trees.

Faint breathing echoed from beyond the wilderness. The kaleidoscope of early fall leaves colored reds and oranges covered the ground, making it hard to see the brown underneath.

*Crunch*

I turned around to pinpoint the movement. My breath rasped in my throat, a choking sensation overtaking me.

'Run, Julie!'

My legs were being obstinate, rooted to the ground as if they were glued to it.

I could see a flash of prickling fur, glistening from the rising moon.

The creature's steel grey claws extended from its large brown paws. Maroon fur with auburn tips stood straight up. Its long snout cringed. The lips were tight and pulled forward and ears were pointed slightly forward. Forehead, neck hair and hackles were raised with alarm. Ivory teeth appeared between the jaws, its tongue moved around its mouth, and saliva dripped from its lips.

It snapped at me, stepping closer to me. As it lifted its right paw partly above ground its claw sparkled from the crescent moon resurfacing.

I perceived it to be a wild dog perhaps but its distinctly almond shaped eyes that tend to be more close set on the face and slightly tilted, with the corners of the caramel eyes lining up with the outer base of the ears, convinced me otherwise.

Even if I wasn't an expert at distinguishing large canines from one to another, I knew what creature loomed before me, standing a few feet away and perceiving me as a threat.

Known as its scientific name: Canis lupus

In other words -- a wolf.

It was nothing like the monsters of fairy tales. Instead of being aggressive, it was docile and shy. Whatever gene it needed to be an alpha, it wasn't present.

Up close, it wasn't as intimidating. The wolf looked like Arizona, my neighbor's Czechoslovakian Wolfdog. I bet this wolf would be the same to touch, warm and soft. It lay there in the dark, eyes feebly closed, blissful, listening to the music of the night critters as much as anybody who loved the song and rhythm of the night. There was something so right about it being there, as if nature craved its existence as much as it loved the moon-rays hitting it on multitude parts of its lupine body.

I held my palms out to convey I wasn't a danger. We met eyes for a fraction of a second before it gazed away.

I backed away before the sheepish wolf decided to transform into a savage beast. My leg tripped over a lengthy branch and I tumbled to the ground. I caressed my knee as it swelled, I didn't want to try getting up in case the bruise was still tender.

I couldn't cry out in pain, I didn't want to attract the wolf closer. It sniffed the air, absorbing the scent of my blood.

I never envisioned dying so defenseless, with no one knowing where I was, no one to help me.

I was all alone.

The wind splashed around me as I shielded my eyes from the stinging force. Dust blew into my eyes. Looking up again after rubbing my eyes clean, I noticed the wolf was gone.

It was like I made it all up in my head. But how could I have imagined such a beautiful specimen? I genuinely hoped either I was creative enough to picture the wolf or I was crazy and hallucinated everything.

My eyes surveyed the land when I flinched over my discovery.

A paw print.

They were fresh, overlapping older impressions in the soft soil. I held up a small branch, and the telltale mud says the tracks were made only a few seconds ago. I bent down to take a better look. The prints had four oval toes like a feline or canine, but the claw marks gave them away as the latter. I cupped my mouth in shock.

I had just encountered a wolf.

It was still out there, and possibly a whole pack of them.

A/N

Hey everyone! Just to let you know, this is my first novel I am working on so please be patient. English is not my first language so if I can improve, let me know!

I'm so excited to write the next parts!!!

Please vote, comment and like! This means the world to me <33

With love,

-V