Nothing could make this better. I thought that I was going to be okay, better, whole again. I was getting there too. I felt so happy and for the first time in awhile, I felt like I had actually belonged, mattered, was loved and accepted by others. But she just had to shatter the only fantasy of happiness I had! I-I hate her! No... no, I don't hate her, but I do... or is it something worse. I am afraid of her, I am scared of how she will hurt me again but at least this time I won't be as caught off guard because I know now that she is a back stabber. I know now, she was never truly my friend... no, no one has ever truly been my friend! I have tried so hard to make everyone else happy so they won't feel the pain I feel and here I am crying alone by myself wondering why I am always getting hurt! It's not fair, life has never been fair! I find people that I can connect with, trust, and feel happy with and they are ripped away from me!
Time after time I have cried alone in my room in the darkness where no one could see me, because I saw crying in front of others as a sign of weakness! I wanted comfort but I was afraid of it, or I was more afraid of people. I was scared of how violent, how cruel, greedy, and cold they were! They... they always hurt me, tore me down, made me feel invisible... maybe that's why... why I was so scared of them when I was growing up.
Maybe that's why we all have our faults, our moments of hatred towards each other, and in the end, our depression; maybe it is because others tore us down like dark monsters after a small gleam of light, destroying the beautiful sparkle of hope and happiness. Maybe that's why our world is so sad and broken, why we all try and hide our tears and our pain. Maybe it only took one monster to create all the rest... Oh, look at me rambling on about random things to myself again.
I tried to wipe away the streaks of loneliness on my cheeks away, my body still shaking from crying probably too much for some senseless thing as usual... honestly when am I not being stupid. And ugly. I laughed at myself, for some reason it was a small joke to me, and a painful truth I loved to repeat to myself to drag me back down to my place. No one else could know, not one person could ever know how sad I was all the time, they could know nothing!
As I went to sleep, I kept thinking back to the idea of the human race as monsters, unintentionally creating more, and I couldn't help but think of her and.... him. I couldn't help but think of how betrayed I felt, and I couldn't stop thinking of how I was going to strike back.