Chapter 23 - Be Honest With Me

"Chasing, always chasing dreams.

Why'd you stick around, why'd you stay with me?

Why'd you fake it?"

"Everyone stop talking this loud because I can't hear what Ms. Terry is telling me!" Mr. Jones shouted with his strong voice. Me and Dylan had just arrived at the meeting point, the school's gate, in that Friday afternoon. Everyone had big bags with them, camping backpacks, etc. The trip was only for senior year, which made the other years very jealous and eager to get to the last year so they could do this kind of trips as well.

There were about two hundred students in Senior Year, so the school rented four buses with fifty seats each. Students would be randomly distributed by each bus and I just hoped I'd stay on the same bus as Dylan and Ellie so I didn't have to go all the trip to the nature reserve alone.

I had a camping backpack slung in my shoulders and a small bag in my arms. The director had told us we were going to sleep in the tents near some wooden houses that had kitchens and bathrooms we could use.

During the week teachers had established rules and organized the whole thing, and even though we knew we had to follow the rules straight, we were still very excited to go camping. Ellie and I had talked to our rowing coach, Mr. Yanks, and like Ellie had said, he didn't stay as mad as I thought he would be.

"Ellie's o ver there." Dylan spotted and we made our way towards her. She greeted us with her big bright smile.

"This school is so cool!" She exclaimed joyfully. "I can't wait to get to the nature reserve!"

"You know we won't get there in the next few hours, because not everyone is here yet and the trip still takes two hours long." I smiled, but on the inside I scolded myself. Why did I always have to ruin the fun of everything?

"Well, we always have Subway Surfers to pass the time!" Thankfully, Ellie didn't take my words the wrong away and instead took her phone out of her pocket.

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We spent the next hour playing games on each other's phones until we heard Mr. Jones say he would be calling the names to each bus. All students gathered around in a massive crowd while he called the names. Dylan and Ellie were the last ones chosen to the first bus. They both looked at me compassionately and I saw them disappear inside the first bus. I sighed, but then focused on listening Mr. Jones.

I finally heard my name being called in the middle of the list of the second bus and after putting my bags on the trunk of the bus I made my way into it. The seats on the back were already full so I sat near the window in the middle of the bus.

I leaned back on my seat praying to God someone nice would seat next to me. I was looking through the window so I got startled when a voice spoke next to me. "I believe this seat isn't taken yet."

I turned my face and saw Matthew smiling down at me. I rolled my eyes but didn't speak as I heard people at the back of the bus calling him to go sit next to them, but he just ignored them. Surprisingly.

It was so ironic that he made the bet to be even more popular and to prove to Aiden that he could break my heart and then when he was in fact working on winning the bet he would renounce his popularity only to win. I mean, he was doing the bet to be even more popular but now he was ignoring the popular people to be with me, which probably would cost him his popularity. After all, that's how popular people functioned.

Or maybe Matthew was just too popular to start being unpopular, if that even made sense.

As I didn't answer him, he sat on the seat next to mine, tightening the seatbelt around him.

We stayed in silent, seeing other people entering the bus and eyeing us suspiciously. I was so sure that most of the people thought I was the one begging Matthew to sit with me and not the other way around, because, what in the world would make the most popular guy sitting next to the most antisocial girl in school? Unless they all knew about the bet and I was the only one being stupid but something told me Matthew and Aiden had kept the bet to themselves so I wouldn't find out. Yet I eventually did.

"Why did you decide to seat next to me, Matthew?" I questioned him once the last student entered the bus, followed by three teachers that would lookout for us.

"Well, I don't know, Kiara, maybe because you've been ignoring me since I got in a fight with Stuart." I could hear the tension in his voice when he talked to me, but I didn't care.

"His name is Aiden." I blurted out. "And yours is Matthew. Stop calling each other by your surnames."

"You used to call us by our last names as well, Kiara." Matthew pointed out.

"Yes, the few times you even bothered talking to me." I mumbled under my breath, immediately regretting what I had just said.

"What?" Matthew asked. The teachers were talking to the students but I wasn't listening to them.

"I said that you never bothered to talk to people other than your popular group. And the few times that you actually bothered, I'd call you by your surname, yes." I turned to face him again. "So why did you bother to start talking to me?"

Of course I knew why he had started talking to me, as the reason was the bet, but I wanted to know what excuse he would come up with.

Matthew looked away but finally answered. "I think I've told you that I may be a little tired of the popular people. They are all the same, all fake. And you're not. You're true and real."

"But you didn't know that until you started to know me better." I noticed.

"That's true, but I decided to give it a try."

I thought seeing Matthew lying to me like that wouldn't bother me, but actually, it hurt. And I hated letting him have that control over me to the point that him lying actually caused me pain. I looked away from him and to the window again. The bus started to move after the first bus and I kept quiet until Matthew spoke up again.

"Look, Kiara, I never thought you'd be, from all people, bothered by me not talking to students that aren't popular, but—"

"I'm not bothered. I'm simply stating a fact." I cut. 

"Let me continue, please. Even if you're not bothered, I'm trying to apologize." Matthew said and I snickered. I'm not hurt by the fact that you didn't bother to talk to me in the past, Matthew, seriously, I don't even care about you and I didn't want your fellowship in the past nor do I want it now, but what is hurting me right now is the fact that you lied to me right to my face, saying you wanted to change when in fact the reason you started talking to me is the stupid bet, I wanted to tell him all that, but for some reason, my mouth kept shut. 

Matthew continued, waking me from my thoughts. "Maybe you aren't hurt because of that but I know other people are. They feel bad because I ignore them and sometimes I don't want to ignore them, it's just..."

"Yeah, I know, Matthew, you have to keep your popular reputation by not talking to other people." I commented, sarcasm draining from my voice. "It's the 'popular pressure' or something like that. Seriously, Matthew, I totally understand. And why are you apologizing to me when I'm not the one bothered but all the other people you ignored? Shouldn't you be apologizing to them? Why don't you grab a mic and shout it out to the entire world?"

"Kiara, stop being sarcastic, please. I can't stand you when you're like that." He said, and the frustration in his voice startled me. 

"Well, excuse me, Clarke, but you were the one coming to me in the first place, you were the one wanting to sit next to me, so if you can't handle my sarcasm then goodbye!" I said, my voice raising.

"I'm trying to fucking apologize to you because I fucking care about you!" Matthew exploded, receiving lots of stares from other people and provoking some other murmurs. "And with your fucking sarcasm I'm not being able to tell you that!"

My mouth was open, my eyes widened and my voice got lost. He didn't care about me, I knew that, so there he was hurting me again with his lies. But why was he freaking hurting me? If I didn't care about him, I wouldn't be bothered by his lies, right!?

But then again, why couldn't I completely believe he didn't care? Why was there a part of me that almost, almost, believed in him, even if it was just a small little tiny bit of me?

And also, why couldn't he be honest with me? Well, I knew why, of course, but a part of me would like him to have the courage to speak the truth. I just didn't know why I was expecting such thing from someone like him.

"Mr. Clarke, please moderate your language." One of the teachers in the front of the bus warned him. But of course he didn't get any other punishment because he was Mr. Perfect, The Ultimate Popular Guy, the Golden Boy, who always got what he wanted just with a blink of an eye.

I crossed my arms over my chest, looking straight to the seat in front of me, ignoring the stares I was receiving. Thanks a lot, Matthew.

I could feel my cheeks heating up but I didn't know if it was because of what Matthew had said or because the stares I was receiving. Probably both.

"Stop staring like we're aliens." Matthew shouted around to the glaring students and they turned their heads to the other side the moment he spoke. He really did have an influence in the school.

"And I thought you liked attention." I couldn't help but be sarcastic, because, like Aiden had said, I used sarcasm as a way to defend myself and now I was feeling like I needed to defend myself because I didn't know how to react or what to say to Matthew. He was making me angry but mostly he was making me confused, which angered me even more.

Matthew rolled his eyes.

"I know you don't like it, and right now neither do I."

"Why did you say that? T-that... you care for me?" I asked in a fragile voice that I hated to have. My voice was normally strong and firm but this situation was way out of my comfort zone.

Matthew didn't anser, keeping his eyes in the seat in front of him. I tried to get him to talk with another question. "Why don't you like me using sarcasm? You use it too. Lots of people do."

This time Matthew glanced at me and answered right away.

"Because you are always using it. And I don't know, in the beginning I liked it but now it's getting on my nerves. I feel like you're hiding your true self sometimes, like you're hiding behind this mask of sarcasm just so you won't get hurt. And I get angry because I want to know the real you."

"But you know the real me. You said it yourself, that I was true, and that was why you started talking to me, because all the other people were fake and I wasn't." Now I was messing with him and honestly, it felt good. Of course he didn't know the real me, and if it was up to me, he would never know.

"And I keep my word, but I still sense there's more to you than sarcasm. You're different from everyone else and you're so strong-minded and independent and all that, so why do need to use so much sarcasm? If you're so sure about yourself why do you care about what other people think and why do you hide behind ironic replies?"

"And why do you want to know?" I turned my head to face him, a resolute expression in my face, and fire in my eyes. "Why do you care?"

Matthew took some time to answer me but he eventually did. "I don't know, Kiara, seriously. I just... do."

I shook my head and stared at the window. "Matthew... stop talking."

"What?" His voice was confused, just like I was on the inside.

"Stop talking." I repeated.

"Why?"

Because you're hurting me more with each lie that comes out of your mouth, and I don't know why that's happening, and I need to understand, I thought. But instead of saying that, I just kept silent.

Matthew was right, I did have a mask of sarcasm on me, so I wouldn't get hurt. But I wasn't ready to let it out, to admit it, just like that. Not with him. Not when I knew all he was doing was lying.

How could I be honest with him when he wasn't honest with me? How could I be funny and cool with him when all he was thinking every time he looked me in the eye was how he was going to break my heart?

How could I show him the real me if the real me was consumed by sarcasm as a way to defend myself from those two stupid boys who wanted nothing but to play with me?

But then again, everything came down to the ultimate question: why did I actually want him to be honest with me?

"I hope you find a way to be yourself someday,

In weakness or in strength,

Change can be amazing.

So I pray for the best, I pray for the best for you. 

I wish you could be honest, I wish you could be honest with me."

Music from this chapter is "Honest" by The Neighbourhood.