Chapter 34 - I Always Need You

"Captured effortlessly

That's the way it was

Happened so naturally

I did not know it was love

The next thing I felt was

You holding me close

What was I gonna do?

I let myself go

Ain't nobody

Loves me better

Makes me happy

Makes me feel this way

Ain't nobody

Loves me better than you" 

"You're incredibly happy." My father noticed once I entered my house after my date with James. He had dropped me home and addressed my house as "being beautiful" and I had laughed and waved him goodbye.

"Am I?" I played innocent but my father narrowed his eyes with that look that said 'Don't think you can fool me, girl, I watched your birth'.

"So, was it fun?" My mum asked. "The group meeting at the carnival?"

I smiled. "It was great."

"And what about that teddy bear you're trying to hide behind your back?" My father asked, nodding towards it. I blushed and slowly brought the teddy bear to my front. My father's eyes widened when he saw the type of bear it was.

"I gained it." I immediately told them. "In a game."

"Hum-hum." My mom laughed but my father still had that serious expression on his face.

"If you really won it then why would you bother hiding it?" He questioned, crossing his arms over his chest with a proud look on his face, like he had just won the lottery.

"Because..." I paused, trying to think of a plausible excuse. "I knew you were going to start asking questions like the ones you're asking now so I just thought---"

"Who is he?" My father cut and I coughed.

"What? Wait, dad, there's no he!"

"Oh, really?" My dad's eyes narrowed even more making his forehead wrinkle. "Then who was the car that brought you here from? It wasn't from Dylan, he arrived way sooner than you did."

"You were spying on me?" I incredulously asked. "It was just a friend!"

"A male friend?" My mom asked wiggling her eyebrows.

"Yes." I sighed, sounding defeated. I wasn't going to lie to them. After all, I was sick of lies and I didn't want to be a liar anymore. And I had never been a liar to my parents before, I wasn't going to start being one now. "But as I told you, he's just a friend."

"A friend that brought you home and most certainly gave you a teddy bear hugging a heart that says 'I love you'. I don't think it can be more obvious." My father told me in a serious voice. My face was heating up at every word he was saying.

"And who is he, by the way?" My mom asked with an amusing smile on her face. She was the only one finding the situation funny.

"James." I sighed once more. "From rowing."

"James? The James?" My father raised his eyebrows with a expression of disbelief on his face. "The James you've been complaining about all these years? About how he was your rival and was rude and stupid and all that? That James?"

"Yes." I held his gaze in a defiantly way. "That James. It appears that he is not like that. He's a good friend. But then again, that's all he is. Come on, you both know how I feel about relationships and that kind of stuff."

"We do, but we also know you've only been talking about relationships that way because you've never been in love." My mom said wisely. "Because when you will... your opinion will change."

"Well, it hasn't changed!" I said nervously. "So there you have your proof. I'm not in love."

"Maybe not yet." My mom sang. I rolled my eyes at her.

"I want to meet him." My father told me.

"What? You already know him! You've seen him everytime you go to a rowing competition, why would you want to meet him?"

"Because before I didn't know you and him were this... close." He nodded towards the teddy bear I was holding. "And as a matter of fact, I never talked to him. But now I want to."

"Yeah, right, dad. That won't be necessary. I can handle myself, you know that very well. And for the millionth time, he's just a friend." With that said, I headed towards my room, ignoring my dad calling me and my mom laughing about the whole situation. I knew I was acting like a spoiled teenager but I couldn't help it. My father was imagining things and my mom thought this was all a great entertainment show, and I was holding a teddy bear from a friend. A friend. That's all James was. And that was all I wanted him to be.

Right?

-------------------------

"So, how did the date go?" Dylan asked me on Monday morning before school when I climbed into his car. I smiled.

"Great. We went to the beach and just hung out. But then I got home and found a really protective father and a very amused mother. That kind of ruined my mood."

"Hum, I doubt that." Dylan made a half-smile. "If that date was as good as you say it was, then your parents would not ruin your mood."

"You're right." I smiled at him. Dylan sometimes knew me better than myself. "But nonetheless, it bothered me. I tried to tell my dad that James is just a friend, but he wouldn't listen to me. And then my mom just laughed and told me that one day I'll understand it all and ugh. I don't want to understand. And I don't want to give anyone any explanations."

"You were always free like that." Dylan nodded. "But you do realize they're your parents and they care about you. It's kinda normal having to give explanations to them, no matter how much that bothers you."

"I know." I turned around to face Dylan, even if he had to be focused on driving us safely to school. "But that's what I like about James, you know? If I told him I didn't want to give explanations to anybody, he would agree with me because that's what he and I are. Free spirits who want to live independently. Not giving a damn about what anyone else says. What I love about him... is that he understands me like no one else does."

"The way you talk about him... it's definitely not how you would talk about a friend." Dylan noticed, glancing at me from the corner of his eye. "So he's not just that, is he?"

"He is." I assured him.

"But you want him to be more than that, don't you?" Dylan insisted.

"I don't know. I'm confused." I admitted. Talking about this with Dylan was way better than talking with my parents, without a shadow of a doubt. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do and that scares me because such thing never happens to me. I always know what to do. But James... he is just so unpredictable. And everything's happening so fast that I just don't know what to think. He's this guy that suddenly appears in my life as someone completely different than what I thought he was, and he's this guy that always suprises me and always makes me laugh. He's this guy that doesn't judge me, that understands me. But does that mean I want him to be more than a friend? I don't know."

"No one can know for you, Kiara, that's one thing I guarantee you. You're the only one that can realize your feelings for him."

"But how do I do that?" I questioned in exasperation. If only the answer could fall right from the sky...

"Well, there seems to be common symptoms in everyone..." Dylan smiled cheekily. "Do you think about him often? Do you want to be with him? Do you feel your heartbeat increase and your hands getting sweaty everytime he's around you? Do you want to hold his hands and hug him? Do you want him to call you his girlfriend?"

I stood quietly. A part of me answered yes to all his questions but the other part of me, the rational and stubborn part, continued to say no.

"And a final question..." Dylan continued after realizing I wasn't going to answer him. "When you're with him, do you feel the same way as when you're with me, or with Aiden or Matthew or any other friend? Or do you feel different, more nervous, but at the same time with that feeling that you can be yourself no matter what?"

I looked through the window, not bothering to reply.

"You don't need to answer." Dylan spoke up after a while. "I guess you and I already know what your response is."

-------------------------

On that very same afternoon, I was making my way towards my locker when I was intercepted by two girls, both with their arms crossed over their chests and an arrogant look on their faces.

"So, you're Kiara?" One of them, a girl with curly caramel hair, asked. I nodded, raising my eyebrows at them. What did they want?

"Honestly, I don't get it." The other girl, with straight and long black hair, pointed out.

"What don't you get?" I asked growing more and more impatient by the minute.

"What Matthew sees - or saw - in you." The first girl spoke. I straightened my back once I heard Matthew's name coming from her mouth.

"Excuse me?" I asked in a firm voice.

The black-haired girl rolled her eyes at me. "Let's make it clear for you, shall we, dear? The truth is we can't believe an antisocial and dorky girl like you was able to seduce Matthew whatsoever. I mean, he's always sad ever since you broke up with him or rejected him or whatever. But that's not even the point. The point is that you have no right to make the hottest and most popular guy in school feel like trash. How can you be so stupid? You have him wrapped around your finger and you don't even care? Who the hell are you?"

"Look, girl, I don't have to like Matthew just because he likes me, okay?" I crossed my arms over my chest, staring at her defiantly. What gave her the right to accuse me like that? "I'm not obliged to like him back! Also, you don't know anything about what happened so you really shouldn't go on judging people like that." I retorted.

"You're just pathetic." The girl with the curly hair spoke up. "You think you're so cool, always being alone and all, thinking you are so independent and free and everything - well, you're not. You're just a lonely girl who hides her insecurities behind a tough girl mask. Well, the truth is you're not even tough. You're weak and you'll always be weak. You don't feel worthy of his love, do you? That's why you rejected him. He's too much for you to handle. In reality, he's too good for you and you know it so instead of telling him that you just went on breaking his heart. That, my dear, is what we call being a coward."

Something in her words hit a nerve within me. Something that she said affected me deeply and I couldn't even precise what. And at that moment, I felt insecure like I'd never felt before. I didn't know how to react. My usually sharp tongue wasn't working, I couldn't get any words to come out of my mouth, and I was just standing there, completely frozen and taken aback. And I hated, I truly hated that feeling of helplessness. Then the girls looked at each other and started laughing at me.

You're weak.

You're weak, you're weak, you're weak. Her words kept ringing in my mind. The girls finally decided they had done enough harm already and passed by me. But even if the sound of their laughs had faded, everything else was still there. I think it was only at that moment, when I stood there alone, pondering over the girls' words, that I finally realized what I had done when I decided to turn the tables, change the game, and make Aiden and Matthew fall for me. I had been mean and a liar and everything I was not. I had changed for them. I had stood to their level, I had gone against my beliefs and everything I was because of them. And then I had hurt them like they meant nothing. After all, I really was what these girls were accusing me of.

I had been a coward. And I was being weak now. Congratulations, girls, you managed to give me one of my few moments of weakness in my entire life.

I turned on my heels and walked off the hallway but I bumped into someone when I was trying to get out of the school.

"Watch where you're going." A familiar voice told me. I raised my head, trying to fight the tears that were almost falling down. Matthew looked down on me and narrowed his eyes. "You think you can just bump into people like that?"

"Sorry." I said in an almost non-audible whisper. I started to walk away but he grabbed my arm.

"I didn't hear well." He said and I couldn't believe he was doing this to me. Was I keeping my mask again? Couldn't he see I was about to break down? Was I really that good of an actress that even when I was about to cry I seemed as collected as ever? Or did he know but was doing it all on purpose anyway because he didn't care about me anymore?

"I said I was sorry." I snapped, using, however, the same tone of voice I had used before. I tried to release myself from his grip but he tightened it even more, but not to the point of actually hurting me.

"Didn't hear it again."

My head shot up and I stared at Matthew. That was enough. "I'm not in the mood, okay! Two of your bodyguards just came to me and out of nowhere started to judge me like they know me! Were you the one sending them to me? Did you tell them to tell me all of those things? Are you enjoying all of this, Matthew?"

Matthew furrowed his eyebrows.

"What are you talking about?"

"As if you don't know!" I was out of control but I wasn't going to stop. I had already endured too much. "Because you're so popular and hot and whatever, and so you have everyone at your feet! Everyone turn into puppies when it comes to defend Matthew Clarke, the Golden Boy! Everyone loves you and everyone hates me because somehow I rejected you!? They immediately start hating on people who don't throw themselves at your feet! And I'm sick of that! It's like you're the Pope or something! But guess what, not everyone has to love you right away, and no one should be judged or mistreated for that!"

He loosened his grip on my arm and took a step closer. His eyes widened when he noticed the tears in my eyes.

"Kiara, I really don't know what you are talking about, and I'm sorry if I offended you. I'm just... still kind of pissed off and I've been having a rough day but I know that's not a good enough excuse to unload it all on you. But can you please tell me what's going on?"

"Well, what happened was that two of your friends came talk to me telling me I was stupid for rejecting you and that I was weak, and pathetic and lonely and insecure and-"

"They're not my friends." Matthew interrupted. "Anyone that hurts you and offends you like that is not my friend."

"Well, they sure as hell seemed like your friends! I'm just sick, Matthew, okay? I know I hurt you and I know I acted badly and I've already apologized for that but I don't want that to ruin me!" I said in an exhausted tone of voice. That's how I was. Tired. Tired of putting up with the pettiness of the people of this school, of this town. Tired of all the prejudices and all the lies. Just tired.

"I did something bad and I changed who I am for you and Aiden, and I hate that but I am the one who has to live with that and I'm also the one who has to hear those rude people! And I hate the fact that those stupid girls affected me this much! They should have no control over me, yet they managed to have and I hate that! So please go mind your own business and just leave me alone because I'm breaking right now."

I felt a tear touching my lip but I didn't fight the other ones. I let them all fall. Matthew's fingers touched my face softly as they wiped the tears off my face.

"You're not weak, Kiara." He told me, his voice smooth. "You're crying because you've been strong for too long. And I'm really sorry if I hurt you like that. I'm so sorry that I made you change, if I could take it all back I would, you know that, but I can't, and I will have to live with that as well. I'm sorry that I was the cause those girls told you those things. But you shouldn't listen to them, you're way better than them, be sure of that. Everyone has their moments of weakness and that's okay. But that's what distinguishes you from them, you know? You're strong by yourself. Them? The only way they can feel strong is by putting others down. All those people - all they are is mean. You? You're smart, and your strong and beautiful, and most of all - you're a good person."

I stood quietly and was taken aback when his arms embraced me. I let myself being wrapped by his strong arms, inhaling his scent and realizing how much I had really missed being in his arms and simply talking with him again.

"It's okay, Kiara, it's okay. I'm sorry for putting you through this, you didn't deserve to hear such things. I'm going to talk to them. I'm pretty sure I can guess who they are."

"There's no need." I whispered into his chest. "It'll just make everything worse. I know that I know how to defend myself, but at that moment it was like everything just came to surface and there was nothing I could do. But next time it won't be like that. I won't let them break me again. Next time I'll be ready."

"There won't be a next time." Matthew assured me with resolution in his voice. "They don't know you, they have no right to treat you the way they did. Just promise me you won't let this affect you more than it already did. They don't deserve that."

I nodded and took a step back.

"I'm sorry for everything." I told him, and then pointed at his shirt. "And for ruining your shirt."

Matthew chuckled. "Do you want a ride home?"

I nodded again. I wasn't in the mood to go back to classes so I followed Matthew to his car. I chuckled once I remembered the last time he had gave me a ride. It had been on November, after he had helped me with Maths. I was late for rowing and so he offered to drive me there. At that time I was so suspicious and so bitter towards him. Now I was grateful to have him with me.

We both climbed into his car and we talked about lighter subjects on our way to my home. I had missed talking to him.

When we finally arrived at my home, Matthew made sure to accompany me to my front door like a true gentleman, but before we could get there Rusty came running towards us. He started smelling Matthew, and soon enough they were running and playing together. I was laughing and playing along until a familiar car came into my view. It was James' car. He smiled and waved when he saw me, but his eyes narrowed once he saw Matthew. He got out of the car faster than I thought it was possible and made his way towards us, his arms crossed over his chest.

"I was going to offer you a ride to our rowing practice but it seems like you already have company." He said in a harsh voice.

"Matthew just offered me a ride home." I told him but he completely ignored me, staring intensely at Matthew.

"I knew that I knew you from somewhere. You're that guy that went to one of our rowing practices some time ago, the one who was flirting with Andrea." James accused, then turning to me. "He's that guy that got into a fight with Aiden, the one who was still mad at you, right?"

"Not anymore." Matthew smiled sympathetically. But his charming smile that made everyone fall at his feet would not work with James.

"As if you had anything to be mad at. Kiara should be the one mad at you after you got involved with Aiden in a fight." James snapped. Matthew had an uneasy expression on his face, his jaw tense.

"Everything's solved now, James. There's no need to be violent." I warned him.

"You sure?" James asked bitterly. Rusty was the only one that wasn't finding the situation any tense. He was instead jumping around like the happy dog he was.

"I'm sure." I assured him.

"I should probably get going." Matthew spoke after an awkward silence of intense stares between the three of us.

"Yeah, you probably should." James agreed and I rolled my eyes at him.

"You don't have to go if you don't want to." I was talking to Matthew but I was sending death glares to James.

"No, it's okay." Matthew looked sideways at James. "I'll talk to you tomorrow. See ya." 

"Bye." I waved and Matthew got into his car and drove off.

"What was that about?" I asked James after Matthew left.

"What was what about?" He tried to play innocent but I scolded him.

"You know very damn well! You don't even know Matthew and you were really harsh on him."

"I just dislike him." James shrugged. "Also, he was mad at you when he had no reasons to."

"Still, you had nothing to do with it." I retorted.

James looked offended once I told him that. "You think so? I'm your... friend so I have all the reasons to be mad at him as well!"

"No, you haven't." I replied. I was having a bad day and I did not want to discuss with James too. The only good thing that came out of this day was that Matthew and I had solved things out but now James seemed like he wanted to ruin that.

"Yes, I do." James argued, staring defiantly at me, and my heart skipped a beat. Dammit. 

"Damn, why are you acting like that?" I sighed, throwing my hands in the air in exasperation.

"Like what?" James retorted, taking a step towards me. I feel like my heart is going to explode. I remembered Dylan's questions from that morning: Do you think about him often? 

Certainly.

Do you want to be with him? 

All the time.

Do you feel your heartbeat increase and your hands getting sweaty everytime he's around you? 

I don't need to respond to that one.

Do you want to hold his hands and hug him? 

I... yes, so freaking much, even when he's acting all annoyed.

Do you want him to call you his girlfriend?

There's not a single thing I want to hear more than that.

"Like that, so freaking defensive! You're not like that!" My voice was raising and I could feel all my emotions boiling underneath it: anger, sadness, confusion. Passion.

James took another step, getting even closer to me. His hands were clenched together in fists, his jaw was tense and his grey eyes had a passion to it: a furious intense glare that could see right through my soul. With him I couldn't have masks.

"Then what am I like, Kiara?" He challenged me.

I swallowed. "You're... calm and collected and relaxed and easy-going. I mean, at first sight you may seem rude and cocky but you're not like that. But right now it almost seem as you are. You're acting strangely and..."

"Why do you think I'm acting strangely, Kiara?" James asked me, his voice filled with frustration. "That guy hurt you and you're mad at me, not at him! Of course that pisses me off! It pisses me off even more than the fact that he was mad at you! I'm trying to protect you and you turn your back on me and cheer for him instead!"

"That's not what I'm doing! I was just saying you shouldn't have been so tough with him!" I told him, crossing my arms over my chest, staring at him in the same defiant way.

"How could I not?" James replied. "How could I not be so damn pissed off at him when everytime I look at him it reminds me that once your lips were on his?"

I widened my eyes in shock.

"So it's about that?"

"It's about everything! You defending him, you kissing him and me feeling that the chance I might have had with you is just disappearing into thin air while you solve things out with him!"

My heart was beating furiously on my chest. I could have screamed of anger at that moment, but it wasn't a bad anger. It was a furious and passionate anger that I had never felt. Somehow, his words set me free. Somehow, his words made me fly. That was a power only James had.

"And then there's Aiden and Dylan and it's like you're surrounded by all these guys that I have to compete against and I just don't know if I can do it! You're worthy, of course you are, but am I up for it? That's my doubt and I'm feeling less and less capable of fighting for you, I feel like my chances of having you are becoming smaller and smaller and I just--"

"Oh, shut up." I told him and took a step closer to him, closing the small gap between us. I grabbed his shirt and brought him closer to me, locking my lips with his. He seemed taken aback for a moment and so was I, but I needed this. I needed this after the shit day I had had. I needed James. I always needed him.

Soon enough James was kissing me back, and there was nothing on the world comparable to how it felt being kissed by him. It wasn't a kiss as rough as Aiden's kiss was or as sweet as Matthew's, but something in between, mixing those two feelings. It was something more like fireworks, an explosion of adrenaline rushing through my veins. I felt so alive, like nothing could ever stop me. It was a vibrant, intense kiss, and I never wanted it to end.

I could feel James smiling against my lips, how his arms travelled to my waist, grabbing it firmly and pulling me even closer to him, if such thing was possible. My left hand was still grabbing his shirt tightly but my right hand had gone to his messy black hair, messing it even more.

We separated our lips from each other so we could both take a deep breath.

"You don't have to compete with anyone." I declared firmly, glancing up at him. "If it serves of any proof, you're the first boy I kissed from my own free will."

James had a huge grin on his face. "Does that mean I'm the first kiss you actually wanted to have?"

I rolled my eyes at him, trying to hide my smile. He already knew of that but still he wanted to hear me saying it. "Yes."

His grin grew even bigger. "Then we can't have just one kiss."

Before I knew it I was kissing him again and I was delighted to find out the fireworks were still there, and I had a feeling they would remain there for a long time. At this point I didn't know what we were. Friends, a couple, friends with benefits, whatever Honestly, for me and James, it didn't matter. None of us liked labels. We were free.

And I wasn't even sure of my feelings for him but I just knew that kissing him was the one thing that made me feel most alive.

"I'm sorry, am I interrupting?" I opened my eyes abruptly once I heard my father's voice. I untangled myself from James as quickly as possible and took three steps back. Rusty had a really big dog grin on his face but standing by his side, my father didn't seem as pleased. No.

He seemed way more than simply pissed off.  

"I've been waitin' for you

It's been so long

I knew just what I would do

When I heard your song

You filled my heart with a kiss

You gave me freedom

You knew I could not resist

I needed someone  

At first you put your arms around me

Then you put your charms around me

We stare into each other's eyes

And what we see is no surprise

Got a feeling most with treasure

And a love so deep we cannot measure"

Music is "Ain't Nobody (Loves Me Better)" by Felix Jaehn feat Jasmine Thompson! Love it :p