Chapter 35 - Snap Out Of It

"What's been happening in your world?

What have you been up to?

I heard that you fell in love

Or near enough

I got to tell you the truth..."

"No." I ended up saying, completely red and embarrassed. "You're interrupting absolutely nothing."

James had an amused smile on his face that quickly disappeared once my father scowled at him.

"Just friends, uh?" My father glared at me, his arms crossed over his chest and his eyebrows furrowed.

"Technically, we're just friends." I said in a whisper as neither me nor James had officialized anything.

"In my time friends didn't kiss each other, especially not in the way you two were kissing." My father pointed out in a firm voice.

"I'm sorry, sir." James spoke up, taking a few steps towards my father. "It was completely my fault. I was the one who initiated the kiss, Kiara had nothing to do with it."

My father glared at him but James didn't falter, holding his gaze. Suddenly I felt like the outsider.

"Aren't you going to say anything?" I asked my dad, who had gotten strangely silent.

"I'm simply wondering why you would lie to us about this, Kiara. You are not one to lie."

If only he knew.

"I'm not lying! On Valentine's Day, when I told you James was just a friend... I was telling the truth. He was just a friend. But if you ask me..." I looked over at James, who was trying to hide a smile. "... Right now I think he means more to me than that. I don't know. I never felt this before and I don't know what I am supposed to do and I'm sorry if I somehow upset you but this is the first time I'm feeling such emotions and I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with them, okay? And if you're just being protective and doing the whole daddy-thing then I think you should stop. I know how to take care of myself, and you should trust me. But after all, you don't."

I was blushing and heating up at every word that was coming out of my mouth, but I couldn't stop. I glanced at James who was staring at me with a weird expression that I couldn't quite define. It was a mix of surprise but there was something else in there as well.

My father sighed and rubbed his chin.

"I need to leave now, I just came to grab something for work. I'm going to trust you, Kiara, as you're so fond of accusing me that I don't trust you. So I'll show you I do — I'm going to leave you here with him. You decide what happens next. This is me showing you I trust you. So don't break that trust."

My father went inside and after grabbing his work things, he approached his car and got in. He glanced at us one last time and then drove off.

"Well, that was intense." James said, rubbing his neck uncomfortably.

"Tell me about it. But to be honest, I'm quite surprised that he'd leave us here alone."

"Well, not alone. We have Rusty." James noticed, smiling down at him.

I sat down on the grass and James sat beside me, Rusty lying down next to him. I didn't know what to say — lately that was happening a lot to me — so I just kept quiet.

"So you've never felt these emotions before, uh?" James smirked and I scowled at him.

"Oh don't flatter yourself. Just because you're the first guy I—- well, forget it." I stood silent but James wasn't quite finished yet.

"We're late for rowing practice." He stated.

"Dammit. I'm sorry. About this whole incident with my dad and about being late for rowing."

"Nah. It's fine. We should just skip. It's not like we can get there on time for practice anyway so..." James shrugged.

"I bet you didn't have to face these kind of things with Andrea." I suddenly said, playing with the grass around me. James lifted an eyebrow.

"Where did that came from? This isn't you, comparing yourself to others. The Kiara I have known for so long would never do that."

I turned my head in order to face him.

"Well, the Kiara you knew wasn't in love, was she?"

After the words escaped my lips, I realized what I had said and now I couldn't take it back. Not because taking back the words might hurt him or because it would make everything awkward between us, but because what I said was true.

James stood silent and quiet for some time before his face broke down into a huge grin.

"Well, if you want to know..." He started. "... That's a thing Andrea never told me. That she was in love with me. Have Matthew or Aiden ever told you they were in love with you?"

I raised an eyebrow. "No, not directly, at least."

His grin returned to his face.

"Good. Because I am."

I bit my lip, savouring what I was feeling. So now I knew. Now I knew what it felt to be in love. It was like I was in this rollercoaster that never went down.

"I am in love with you, Kiara Raven. I really am." He declared.

————————————-

"So you're dating him?" Dylan asked on that week's Saturday when James and I decided to make it official. We were all sitting in a café near the river, enjoying the cool breeze and the warm sun of late February.

"Yes." I answered.

"Finally!" Ellie clapped her hands along with Roxy and Lori, while Cameron made me a thumbs up and Rayla smiled kindly at me.

"Do your parents know?" Roxy asked, knowing how my dad was when it came to guys.

"Yes. I decided I was not going to go behind their backs. So I told them. My mom was happy for me but my father was a little bit hard to convince. He says he trusts me, he just doesn't trust James."

"I have no idea why." James said and we all laughed.

"Have you told Matthew or Aiden?" Lori asked.

I shook my head, noticing by the corner of my eye that James was cringing. "I haven't. To be frank, I'm a little bit worried about how they will react, especially Matthew."

"But you need to tell them though. It's better if they hear from you, right?" Lori continued.

"I guess so. Though it makes me nervous, I know it's the best thing to do."

"Are they that important to you that it makes you nervous to tell them?" James questioned me and everyone stared at me waiting for my response. I locked my eyes with James.

"Yes. Yes, they are. Both of them."

James growled but he said nothing, only crossing his arms over his chest. It was something that both he and I did a lot.

"Isn't that Matthew over there?" Rayla asked and I turned around to find Matthew talking to a blonde girl whose name was Brianna. She was one of the most popular and desired girls in my school but she wasn't as vain as the other girls. She was sharp and cunning, with both beauty and brains.

"Well, why don't you go tell him now?" James challenged me. That's what our love was all about: challenges, provocations and witty remarks.

"I'd be interrupting them." I said but it was only an excuse. I was starting to get nervous because I had no idea of how Matthew would react.

"But she's leaving." James noticed and he was right. They were saying goodbyes and Brianna was walking away. I glared at James and he just smiled innocently, even though there was a devilish spark in his eyes.

I got up and made my way towards Matthew, holding my phone in my hands like it was his heart. I didn't want to break it one more time.

"Kiara. Hello." Matthew greeted me with a smile.

"Hi." I hadn't really talked to him since the day James had argued with him at my house so I just hoped Matthew wasn't mad with me.

"We're okay, right?" I asked him. "I mean... because of what James did at my house. I'm sorry about that, by the way."

Matthew rubbed his neck. "It wasn't your fault, actually. You just have a really protective friend over there."

I swallowed dry, a lump forming in my throat, my heart beating fast.

"Actually, we're not friends. We're... dating." I decided to tell him directly because that's how I was. I waited anxiously for his reply but Matthew did nothing but to stare at me, starting to make me feel uncomfortable.

"Well, it was obvious that he liked you. I just wasn't sure about what your feelings for him were. You're just so hard to read, after all."

I couldn't indentify Matthew's expression. It was like he was holding whatever he was feeling inside, trying not to explode.

"That's it?" I asked him hesitantly. "That's all you're going to say to me?"

"What am I supposed to say? It's not like I'm your ex-boyfriend or something... It's not my duty to say anything."

"I know, Matthew, but still... you have no idea of how nervous I was to tell you this and that's how you react? I'm not hoping for you to make a scene, of course not, but I guess I was expecting a little bit more of emotions and less of this emptiness you're showing me."

Matthew shook his head, his hand travelling messily through his hair.

"It's your life, Kiara. When I decided to talk to you again, to befriend you again... I knew there was the possibility of you finding someone. It's the way things go, after all. And I knew I had to accept it. If you told me this right after you informed me and Aiden that you knew about the bet all along, I would have made a scene. Yell at you and such. But the time we were apart... it made me realize you were never mine to begin with. So I have no reasons to yell at you for dating someone else."

"But how do you feel about this? I care about you, Matt. And about how you feel, no matter how much harm you and I may have caused to the other in the past." I told him truthfully.

"I don't know. I mean, I'm supposed to feel anger, right? I don't know if that's what I'm feeling. Maybe I came to that stage in love where you care more about the other person's happiness than your jealousy about that person dating another. Maybe I'm just happy for you. Or maybe I'm just still trying to process everything."

I nodded. This was not what I was expecting from Matthew, but could I really blame him? I should be happy that he wasn't making a scene but was there a part of me, a guilty part, that actually wanted him to make one?

"It's okay, Kiara. I'm not sad. Even if you're the girl that managed to break the hearts of the two most popular guys in school, you're so much more than that. You're Kiara Raven and I just have to respect your decisions from now on. I hope you'll be happy with him."

I stared into Matthew's eyes and then I understood. I realized what he was doing. He was being selfless. He was trying to make sure I didn't feel guilty. Had he yelled at me, be mad at me, I would have felt so much guilt, realizing how much pain I had caused him, even though I had no reasons to be guilty because we can't help who we fall in love with. So he was holding his anger within him so that I wouldn't be able to see the pain he was feeling, so that I would not feel guilty.

But seeing him like that, behaving in such a selfless way, it only made me feel guiltier. I tried to think I had nothing to be guilty for. It was not my fault that I liked James. But then again, it was my fault that Matthew fell for me. It was my fault when I broke his heart for the first time.

And it was my fault now that I was breaking it for the second time.

————————————-

After telling Matthew that I was dating James, it was time to tell Aiden. Aiden was even more unpredictable than Matthew, after all, he had always been the piece of the puzzle I couldn't solve.

We decided to meet in a park near the river the next day after I told Matthew, so I was praying to God that Matthew hadn't told Aiden about me and James. 

"Hey there." Aiden greeted, coming towards me, his motorbike parked not far away.

"Hi." I said a little unsure and Aiden furrowed his eyebrows at this.

"What's up?" He asked, sitting across from me on the picnic table.

"I'm dating James." I blurted out. Aiden widened his eyes at me but I shrugged. After what happened with Matthew, I knew I had to be the most direct possible with Aiden.

"Fuck." Aiden replied. He rubbed his chin and looked up at the sky, avoiding my eyes.

"Aiden." I called and he finally stared down at me. "Whatever you feel, don't hold it in." I begged in a whisper.

"Why him?" Aiden asked, his voice raising slightly. "Of all people, why James?"

"How can I tell? I just like him, it's not like I can explain it."

"Yes, you can!" Aiden was now shouting. "If I can explain why I like you, you sure as hell can explain why you like him!"

I tried to stay calm but his accusatory words were making my blood boil. I was not known for my peaceful temper.

"He understands me. And I've known him for so long... we just connect with each other. And you and Matthew both know we could never work out. Not when all we were doing to each other was playing around with our hearts. James is a breath of fresh air in the middle of all of this."

"So what you're saying is that, hadn't this game of hearts happened, you wouldn't have fallen for him? You would just continue to see him as your rival? That's what you're saying? That, even if indirectly, Matthew and I are the reasons why you fell for James?"

"Maybe that's what I'm saying, yes! But, really, who knows? It's not like it matters, Aiden. I just wanted to let you know because you're my friend and I care about you."

Aiden had a harsh expression on his face as he looked to me.

"You do realize it's going to be so much harder being your friend from now on, right? I mean, it's one thing being friends with you when you're single. It's completely different when you start having a boyfriend."

"Why?"

Aiden threw his hands into the air and gasped in exasperation.

"Are you really going to force me to say it out loud? Because, Kiara, every time I'll look at you, I'm going to realize the small chances I may had had with you in the past are now completely gone. Just like that. Poof." Aiden made a gesture with his hand like something had vanished in the air.

"You still..."

"Yes, Kiara, I still like you." Aiden continued for me. "Just because I didn't stay mad like Matthew, just because I don't show, it doesn't mean I don't have feelings for you anymore. Everytime I see you, I'm trying to behave as a friend, and a friend only. But from now on... how can I behave just as a friend if you're going to kiss and hug James in front of me? I mean, what I am supposed to do? Look away and pretend I didn't see anything when all I probably will want to do is punch him?"

"I'm not going to kiss him in front of you. I will try to respect yours and Matthew's feelings as much as possible, Aiden. Plus, we're just in the beginning of our relationship and things are going slow." I told him in a calm tone but my voice was robotic because I was struggling not to raise it.

"I just hope you know what you're doing." Aiden got up and was preparing to leave, just like that, without another word, so I followed him to his motorbike, remembering when he drove me to Lia's party, the place, where, after all, everything began.

"You're just going to leave?" I asked with disbelief.

Aiden climbed onto his motorbike before answering.

"As much as I like you, Kiara, and as much as I want to be your friend — and even something more, as you well know - right now, I need to be alone. You're not the center of my life. And I need to stay away from you and this game of hearts that I think about everytime I look at you, at least for a while. I'm not blaming you or anything, Kiara. The blame is on both of us, but right now I'm the problem. And I don't want to be with you when I'm not feeling like myself. I just need some time apart so I can clear my thoughts, that's all. I'll see you around."

And then he drove off, giving me one last glance. I sat on the grass, guilt and regret filling my emotions.

I'm warning you, Kiara. The game of hearts is a dangerous territory.

That's what Dylan had told me when this all started, and that's what I should have listened to. But I didn't, and now I had to pay the price. Now there I was, ending up breaking two guys' hearts, two guys that happened to be pretty cool, two guys that had actually turned into my friends. 

Was the game of hearts really worth it? I mean, I had met two amazing guys and changed them, I had changed myself as well, opened up my heart to love and learned not to judge at first sight, and I had started befriending James, but at the same time I had discovered things about myself that I wasn't sure I liked, like the ability to lie and to cause pain, even if sometimes it wasn't my intention.

But now there was no use in remembering the past and in regretting it so much. Not everything was my fault. I didn't actually expect Matthew and Aiden to fall for me and I didn't want them to suffer now. I didn't expect to fall for James either.

The game of hearts was not only dangerous, it was also unexpected.

Little did I know it was about to become even more.

"I want to grab both your shoulders and shake, baby

Snap out of it (snap out of it)

I get the feeling I left it too late, but, baby

Snap out of it (snap out of it)

Under a spell, you're hypnotized (ooooh)

Darling, how could you be so blind? (snap out of it)

Under a spell, you're hypnotized (ooooh)

Darling, how could you be so blind?" 

Music is "Snap Out Of It" by Arctic Monkeys, pay attention to the lyrics!