Chapter 38 - My Father Was Right

"But you broke me

Now I can't feel anything

When "I love you"

Is so untrue

I can't even convince myself

When I'm speaking

It's the voice of someone else

Oh, it tears me up

I try to hold on but it hurts too much

I try to forgive but it's not enough

To make it all okay

You can't play on broken strings

You can't feel anything

That your heart don't want to feel

I can't tell you something that ain't real"

Kiara's POV

My father was right. That was the only thought that occupied my mind as I ran out of the boathouse and out of the rowing complex. I couldn't stand to be near James, the mere thought of simply being in the same place as him made me sick.

My father was right. He was right when he told me he didn't trust James. He was right when he told me to be careful and to not let myself being fooled by any boy. He was right when he warned me that it had to be for some reason that James and I had been rivals for so long and that people didn't change overnight. Yet I didn't listen to him thinking he was just being overprotective and that James was indeed different than what I had always thought.

But now I knew some people simply couldn't change.

I didn't know with who I was angrier at: at James, at Andrea or at myself. Taking a deep breath, I sat on the grass outside the rowing club, praying to God that James wouldn't have the brilliant idea of following me. The grass was soaked from the rain but I didn't care. I wouldn't even care if it started raining right away.

"What are you doing out here, girl?" Moments later, I recognized Lori's voice. She was probably with Roxy and Ellie, and as my back was facing them, they couldn't see I was crying. I wiped the tears off my face but didn't turn to face them.

Once they took a look into my face their eyes widened and preoccupation filled their features.

"Kiara, what's wrong?" Roxy asked, kneeling down in front of me as Ellie and Lori sat beside me.

"What is not wrong?" I questioned instead.

Ellie pursed her lips.

"Did James do something to you?"

"I don't want to talk about it." I said in a quiet whisper.

"Well, that's the thing, Kiara, you never want to talk about it." Lori, being the frank person that she was, had to be sincere even when I was a mess, and I was honestly relieved and thankful for that. "But we're your friends and I think it's time you finally open up to someone. Whatever is bothering you must be something big because it's not everyday that Kiara Raven cries." She lowered her voice into a soft tone. "So please... just tells us."

"It's going to take a while." I declared, knowing that in order for them to fully comprehend my pain, I would also have to tell them about Matthew, Aiden and the bet which would probably crush Ellie.

"We have time." Roxy assured me.

So I told them. Everything. From the very beginning. About the bet and about Matthew and Aiden trying to win my heart, about me discovering it and breaking theirs instead, about falling for James and about him and Andrea and their wicked plan.

The three girls would gasp or open their mouths to say something once in a while but overall they let me talk without interrupting me.

"How... I... why didn't you tell us before?" Ellie asked, completely shocked. "I mean, you've been dealing with this since the beginning of school year and you let this all for yourself?

"Yeah, why did you tell Dylan but not us?" Roxy questioned, looking hurt. Out of all the three, I thought she would be the one who would understand me better, for we were similar when it came to open up to other people. We had the tendency to shut ourselves from the world, but apparently, now she didn't get my reasons for keeping this all within me.

"I... I don't know, I just... the fewer people who knew about it, the better." I ended up answering. "And I didn't want to involve rowing into all of this, you know? Rowing was the one thing that wasn't related to school and the bet so I wanted to keep it out of it and I didn't want to get you guys involved."

"And what about me?" Ellie interrogated. "I mean... now it makes sense why you were so protective everytime Matthew or Aiden would flirt with me. I never really understood what you had against them, and if you had just explained it to me, then maybe... maybe I wouldn't have fallen for Aiden and I would have stayed away from him!"

"I'm sorry, guys, okay!" I said, completely astonished about how broken Ellie sounded. She really had fallen for Aiden, and as her friend it had been my job to warn her and I failed at doing so. Just another thing you failed at, my mind accused me. "I know I made a mistake when I decided not to tell you, I know I should've trust you guys with this, but I thought I could handle it all on my own."

Lori sighed.

"It's not worth it to think about it now. What matters is that James is a complete asshole who hurt Kiara and we clearly need to do something about him. And about Andrea as well."

"What about Matthew and Aiden? They hurt her as well!" Roxy stated.

"Stop talking as if I'm not here! And I've solved things out with Aiden and Matthew, so please let them out of this. They're my friends now. Our friends." I said staring at Ellie. She looked at me and nodded.

"But they will have to know. If they're our friends then they will realize something is up, right?" Roxy asked.

"They can't know... they'll beat the shit out of James." I whispered.

"And he doesn't deserve it?" Lori incredulouslyasked me. I pressed my lips together.

"Maybe, but violence doesn't solve things."

"But I thought you slapped Andrea?" Lori asked with a half smile on her face.

"That was low of me. And besides, this is my problem. Not Aiden's or Matthew's, so they have no right to go throw some punches in my behalf. And honestly, girls, I appreciate the effort, but I'm just sick of it all. I just want to let this all go. Move on from James and..."

"But you will have to see him everyday at practice." Ellie warned me.

"I know, but summer's almost here, right? I mean, we're almost at the end of March... two more months and rowing season will be over."

"Do you even hear what you are saying? You've always dreaded the end of the season and now you're longing for it? Are you really going to let a guy change you that way? You, the defender that no one should ever change you or modify the way you behave and now you say that?" Lori asked, taken aback.

"I know, but all I want is for this to be over. I've spent my whole senior year with games, lies and heartbreaks. I can't take it any longer." My voice was trembling, so I decided to lighten up the mood. "And... maybe during Summer I'll go to the Caribbean and fall madly in love with a foreigner." My attempt of being funny was pathetic but I still managed to crack smiles from them.

"So you think that the best that there is to do is completely ignore what Andrea and James did to you so you can move on?" Roxy asked, comprehension in her eyes, and I sighed of relief.

"Yes."

"You do realize James will probably not give up?" Ellie added. "He will try to win you back again and you can't just ignore him like that."

"I can and I will." I said, my voice raising from determination. "I'm getting quite tired of letting myself being controlled and affected by others – especially by dumb boys. I want to be in charge of my own life."

"For God's sake, Kiara, when will you realize that no one is untouchable?" Lori looked at me with a harsh face. "Everyone is affected by something or someone because we are all humans. Yes, maybe some aren't capable of blocking others and are affected by everyone and maybe there are some people that have the gift to ignore others and block them, but there will come a time in their lives where someone will leave a mark on them. And I think James did just that to you."

"What did James do?" Another voice asked and I sighed in exasperation as I recognized who it belonged to. I was done with drama for the day.

The three girls looked expectantly at me as Dylan approached us, ready to pick me up from practice. I had told them not to tell anything to Aiden and Matthew but with Dylan it was different. Dylan was the one who knew me best, I could never hide something this big from him even if I wanted to. Besides, he was the one who had known about the bet all along, the one who had always been there for me.

"Let's just go home." I announced. I looked at the girls again and mouthed a 'thank you' and then made my way towards Dylan's car. He followed quietly behind me until we were both sitting in his car.

A more attentive stare at my face made Dylan notice something was wrong.

"Have you been crying?" He asked, concern all over his features, which made me realize, more than anything else, that Dylan really was the best of friends. That he had always been there for me no matter what, ever since we were little kids.

"Yes." I answered as he started the engine of the car.

"And are you planning on telling me why?" Dylan enquired again.

I kept quiet because I knew that if I opened my mouth to say it all out loud, I would start crying again and I didn't want that. James didn't deserve my tears.

"Was it James?" He asked, his grip on the wheel tightening, and from the corner of my eye I saw his jaw clenching. "You were talking about him when I arrived, Kiara. What did he do to you?"

What didn't James do to me? He made me fall for him. He made me happy. He made me feel like I finally belonged somewhere, like I finally fit in. And then he broke me, with the power only he had.

I looked through the window until Dylan's hand was on mine. I turned around to face him and he stared at me intensely.

"You know, you better watch your driving if you don't want to get involved in a car accident." I chuckled.

He turned his attention to the road ahead of us but his hand continued to hold mine for a few seconds more.

"You don't have to tell me now if you don't want to, Kiara, but I assume you understand that I need to know. I'm your best friend and I know that I never use that to my own benefit, but I will have to do it now. So even if you don't feel like talking right now, I deserve to know what's going on with you and to know what James did to you, even more than Aiden or Matthew."

I nodded.

"I know and I never actually thought of hiding it from you because I know that you, better than anyone else, would figure things out and wouldn't let me alone until I told you."

"Okay." Dylan's answer was simple but had a hidden meaning within it, as if he was encouraging me to continue. So I took a deep breath and opened my mouth to talk at the same time that slow tears started falling down my eyes.

-------------------------

"Yes, Kiara, for the hundredth time, I am not going to talk to James." Dylan assured me. We were sitting outside my house with Rusty beside us. Dylan had stayed quiet for quite a long time after I told him about James and Andrea's plan. He was just as shocked as I was. The worst of it all, as he had said, was that he actually started considering James as a friend. "Even though what I really want right now is to go tell him some truths, I won't, because if your wish is to let this all go and for me not to go talk with him, then all I have to do is respect your decision. I'm going to go against my own will because I respect you, Kiara, and I do hope you take that in consideration when I warn you about things in the future."

I stared at Dylan, my lips a straight line and my eyes narrowing.

"This isn't about Matthew and Aiden anymore, Dylan, so stop bringing them into conversation as if all of this was their fault. I thought you would have considered them as your friends by now."

Dylan sighed and passed a hand through his hair.

"I know, it's just... it's hard to do so when James did exactly what they did. Have you decided what you're going to tell them?"

"Nothing. I'm just going to say things between me and James didn't work out and that's all. They don't need to know about this."

"Are you going to keep the truth from them because you really don't want them to know or because you're afraid of what they might do to James?" Dylan asked, furrowing his eyebrows.

"A little bit of both!?" I asked unsurely, bringing my knees closer to my chest and wrapping my arms around them. Beside me Rusty rested his head on the grass as if he was sad too. I caressed his head and ears in an attempt of cheering him up.

Dylan shook his head.

"I can't believe how messed up our senior year turned out to be. We were invisible to everybody's eyes last year and now here we are, discussing about popular guys and heartbreaks. Last year everything was so simple and now we don't know what to do or how to act."

I nodded, pulling grass from the ground and playing with it with my hands.

"I know. I'm sorry for dragging you into this mess, Dylan, I really am. I know I've already apologized for not listening to you when you warned me, but I'll say sorry again. You didn't have to be in all of this if it wasn't for me and for that I apologize."

Dylan chuckled. "This is the part where I'm supposed to say that's what best friends are for, right?"

A small laugh escaped from my lips. "Have you ever seen The Notebook?"

"What?" Dylan frowned at the change of subject.

"The Notebook." I repeated.

"Why yes, Rayla made me watch it last week actually. Why?"

"I used to hate that movie. For me, it was lame and unrealistic, but I realize now that all the times I thought I hated the movie because of its cheesiness I was wrong. It wasn't for that. I hated it because I envied Allie and Noah's love. And I was afraid I would never be loved like they loved each other."

"But you are loved already." Dylan told me. "Matthew and Aiden fought over you and you won their hearts. And from what you told me, James seemed sorry. He must have really loved you at some point. He screwed up, that's true, but you've forgiven Matthew and Aiden. Do you think you'll be able to forgive James?"

I bit my lip and scratched the grass below me.

"I don't know and it's pissing me off. I should be saying no with all the confidence in the world, I should be saying no because he doesn't deserve it and because he played with me, but here I am saying I don't know because I have all this conflicted feelings within me and I'm not sure. And I hate feeling like this."

I hate him but deep down I know I still love him. No matter how much I try to stop it, to fight it, I can't. 

"You can't love without doubting, Kiara, it's part of it. You think that Noah and Allie from The Notebook were always sure about what the other one felt? Were always sure about what themselves felt? You can't guess what the other is feeling and many times you can't even comprehend what you are feeling and that's okay because it's love."

"And how the hell are we supposed to figure things out then?" I enquired, looking up at the cloudy sky like it could tell me all of the answers.

"I guess that in the right moment we just know." Dylan smiled at me assuredly.

-------------------------

Aiden's POV

"He fucking did what?" I asked Ellie when she went to see me boxing one day in late March. I didn't stop punching the bag even when she told me what James did to Kiara, instead, I punched it even harder. I knew that I wasn't the right person to judge, I had acted the same way, but Kiara knew about the bet. Not that at first I knew she knew, but it made everything worse this time because she was completely oblivious to James' true intentions and with us she hadn't been.

"She told me not to tell you. She is going to hate me once she finds out I told you, so please, Aiden, don't do anything. Just... pretend I didn't tell you." Ellie begged me, completely regretted of telling me already. I guess my reaction wasn't helping as I was punching the bag stronger than ever, its sound echoing in the room.

"So I'm supposed to shut up and ignore the fact that James is a fucking son of a b—"

"Yes." Ellie stared at me with fierce eyes. She was small, but at that moment it was almost as if she was my height. We had been hanging out a lot in the past few months. She was nice and had one hell of a sexy British accent, and in someway she was helping me getting over Kiara, but the anger I was feeling towards James as well as the jealousy, made me realize I was far from being completely over her. "Yes, Aiden, you're supposed to keep quiet as if I didn't tell you anything. That's what you're going to do because I broke a promise to one of my closest friends in order to tell you."

"I didn't ask for you to tell me." I snapped.

"Because you didn't know! If you did, you would've begged me to tell you more. The least you can do, for both Kiara and I, is shut your damn mouth. Things are screwed up enough already. We don't need you to punch James the way you're punching that bag."

"Hmm." I narrowed my eyes. "Does Matthew know?"

Ellie rolled her eyes and crossed her arms over her chest, something that reminded me of Kiara. She always did that when she was annoyed or acting defensively. Stop thinking about her, Aiden.

"I don't know. Kiara had no intention of telling you guys, so probably not. And you're not saying anything to him, are you, Aiden?"

"He deserves to know." I said in a harsh voice. I probably shouldn't snap at Ellie like this, she had no fault whatsoever but I couldn't help it. She was here now and my anger was building up inside me and I was letting it out on her because if I didn't take it out on someone it would consume on the inside.

But Kiara wouldn't like to know I'm unleashing my anger on someone else.

"I agree. But I also know that if you're the one to tell him, you're going to give him your version of the story and paint James as a complete villain. If there's anyone who would have the right to do that is Kiara and yet she didn't. She didn't told us her side of the story, she told us everything as it really happened, like the fact that James defended Kiara when talking to Andrea. She didn't omit anything. She was impartial and I doubt that you will be."

"It doesn't matter how the story is told. What matters is what we are going to do in order for him to learn." I unfolded the bandages from my hands and placed them in the trash bin.

"And you have all the right to talk, don't you?" Ellie sarcastically chuckled. "As much as I know, no one came to beat the crap out of you when you and Matthew bet about breaking Kiara's heart. You and Matthew out of all people have no say in this matter."

"How... how do you know about that?" I questioned, furrowing my eyebrows. I didn't know Kiara had told Ellie about that. Something inside my chest hurt and I realized I didn't want to disappoint Ellie.

"It doesn't matter." She replied in the same cold tone of voice. "That's not the point. The point is that you and Matthew messed Kiara's life enough already. If you do something to James she'll never forgive you. She still cares about him, despite what he has done to her."

"I'll never understand that good girl." I shook my head.

"She cares for you both despite what you have done to her." Ellie stated, her hazel eyes boring into my own. Her eyes look like Kiara's.

"That's why none of us deserves her. Neither me, Matthew or James. No one that played with her and used as her as we did deserves her. Matthew and I learned the lesson and changed. I don't know if James is as regretted as he says he is until I see him with my eyes. I find it funny that you all assume that I'm going to beat him up. Can't I just go talk to him?"

"Aiden, who are you trying to kid? You're not known for your diplomacy skills." 

"I'm not as violent as I once was." I retorted.

"I can see that." Ellie snickered as she contemplated the punching bag.

I sighed and turned my body towards her.

"Ellie, you like me, don't you?"

Her mouth fell agape and her eyes widened and that was enough for me to be sure of her feelings.

"W-what?" She stuttered.

"You like me." I said and it wasn't a question anymore.

"What does that have to do with Kiara and James?" She looked confused and trapped and her cheeks went pink. I found it quite cute that she would blush at this.

I smiled sadly at her. "You didn't deny it."

"Wait, what? What do you mean, I..." She looked away but then her head raised abruptly and she faced me. "What if I do? What if I do like you, Aiden? Will that change anything? Will that change the way you feel towards Kiara? Will that change you?"

I stood silent and she laughed bitterly.

"I know that I don't have the power Kiara holds. I know I will never be able to change you as much as Kiara did and I know I will never be like Kiara. I'm not as thoughtful or as wise or anything, I'm just a simple plain girl who fell in love with a bad boy and I know that's the biggest cliché in the world but the thing is that I don't care, Aiden, because everytime I'm with you, I don't feel simple or plain, I feel like I can be myself and I'm not just another ordinary girl, I'm me and that's good, that's enough."

She made a pause but I kept quiet, so she continued to talk, her eyes never leaving mine, her curls falling down her shoulders and I having the sudden urge to kiss her because I hated making her feel so unsure.

"So even if you'll never like me as much as I like you, it's okay because I'm fortunate enough to have you as my friend. And honestly, I couldn't wish for a better friend, even if you're short-tempered and reckless and do things without thinking, you're also the first one to stand up for your friends, and that's something that I deeply admire."

The second she stopped talking, I leaned forward and placed my lips against hers. I really did things without thinking. At first she didn't react, but then her lips started to move against mine and my hand travelled to her waist and when I was about to put my other hand on her hair, she pushed me away.

"Stop, Aiden. Don't kiss me out of pity." She was holding a secretive expression, but her eyes mirrored her sadness. "Don't play with me. Don't use me as a way to see if your feelings for Kiara are still as strong as they were. Don't use me to forget her, or to prove her something or to anything else really. Kiss me because you want to and not because you feel sorry for me or because you feel like you have some duty towards me. I'm not going to break just because one guy doesn't like me. So, just don't, Aiden."

I was caught off guard by her speech because maybe it was true. Maybe I was kissing her not out of my free will, but because I felt bad for her and because I wanted to see if I still liked Kiara and the truth was that I didn't know. What I felt for Kiara was tremendously strong, and her kiss had made me fly.

On the other hand, this kiss with Ellie was short and sweet but confusing at the same time, because I wasn't indifferent to the kiss, and if I had no feelings towards Ellie, then I would be.

"I'm... I'm sorry." Was all that I managed to say before she turned around and walked away.

Bravo, Aiden, you managed to mess things up.

Again.

"Oh, the truth hurts

A lie's worse

How can I give any more?

When I love you a little less than before

Oh, what are we doing

We are turning into dust

Playing house in the ruins of us

Running back through the fire

When there's nothing left to save

It's like chasing the very last train

When it's too late

Too late."

Music is "Broken Strings" by James Morrison & Nelly Furtado. Amazing song!

I have a QUESTION for you: who do you want Kiara to be with? (James, Dylan, Matthew, Aiden or other?) Please tell me, I don't want to give hopes but it may or may not influence the story ;)