Chapter 39 - Proud of Myself

"I'm not the type to get my heart broken

I'm not the type to get upset and cry

Cause I never leave my heart open

(...)

My mind is gone, I'm spinning round

And deep inside, my tears I'll drown

I'm losing grip

What's happening?

I stray from love, this is how I feel

This time was different

Felt like I was just a victim

And it cut me like a knife

When you walked out of my life

Now I'm in this condition

And I've got all the symptoms

Of a girl with a broken heart"

Matthew's POV

When I found out about James playing with Kiara's heart, I thought it was a joke. When Kiara finally decided to tell me what had been going on with her, I thought she was kidding. I wanted her to be kidding because there was no way in hell she could possibly be going through all that again.

I had noticed how she had been distant from me the past few weeks, but I thought it was because she didn't know how to deal with me after breaking my heart and telling me she was with James. But when I realized everyone seemed different – Dylan, Ellie, Aiden – my suspicious started to grow. I intercepted them multiple times but no one told me anything, not even Aiden, even if I could see in his eyes that it was killing him hiding this from me.

So I knew the only way I could get her to talk to me was to be alone with her and demand her to tell me what was bothering her. In order to do that, I approached her at school in an April afternoon once classes for the day had finished.

"Kiara, we need to talk."

She looked behind her shoulder and her eyebrows furrowed, her grip in her books tightening.

"That never ends well." Her voice was automatic, sarcasm dripping off of it.

I took some steps towards her and grabbed her arm to make her turn around.

"You know, it hurts me that everybody knows what's going on but me. Is it something related to me? If it's because of you and James, I--"

Her eyes widened.

"You know?"

My nose wrinkled in confusion.

"Of course I know, you told me... that you were with him."

Kiara sighed, and it was a sigh of tiredness, not relief. It broke my heart seeing her like that. The Kiara who was always so strong, who always stood for what she believed in, was now so vulnerable, so broken. But after all even the strongest person wasn't unbreakable.

"Just... whatever it is that has been bothering you... I'd like to know. I hate seeing you like this, I hate feeling helpless."

Kiara nodded.

"I understand."

"Okay. So are you going to tell me—"

"James has been playing with me." She cut me off and her eyes showed no emotion. Whoever this person standing in front of me was, it was becoming more of a robot each day.

"W-what?" I asked, my breath hitching in my throat. "You're kidding, right?"

"I wish I was, but Fool's Day has already passed. I found out in March that he made an agreement with Andrea to break my heart."

I shook my head, refusing to believe what she was telling me. Andrea? The same Andrea that was friends with Brianna, the same Andrea I considered a friend, that I have known for all these years?

"That can't be true. It can't—"

"It is. I never had the intention to tell you or Aiden though Ellie told Aiden... I was mad at her for doing so, but I also comprehended why she did it. And once I heard Aiden knew, I was planning on telling you, but I simply couldn't."

"Why?"

"Because Andrea told James that she is in love with you. Ever since you were little kids."

At this my mouth fell agape. I was completely blown away because for me none of this made sense. I always saw Andrea as a friend. She was a reckless untamable girl who did and followed her own rules, who listened to no one. But I never thought of her as someone capable of doing something like this. I never thought she could behave like me.

"Andrea told James that she hated me for being the one who changed you." Kiara said, and her automatic tone of voice slightly shook when she pronounced James' name. "She said she always had wanted to be the person who changed you. And she stated that she was only dating James to make you jealous and when she realized it wasn't working, she came up with this double plan of breaking me, and breaking up with James in the process. She managed to make him break my heart and managed to drift apart from him when doing so."

"I... I don't know what to say."

"Sometimes silence is the better answer."

"I'm so sorry, Kiara."

She looked up and stared at me, confusion in her features.

"Why?"

"Because this is all my fault. Everything. I accepted doing the bet with Aiden, I accepted breaking your heart. And now Andrea and James did this to you because of me. Everything that causes you pain and hurts you is because of me."

"Matthew..." Kiara shook her head. "It's not your fault. Even if Andrea loves you, you didn't force her to do this. She did this out of her own will, you had nothing to do with it. Don't go on blaming yourself for something you had no control whatsoever."

"But I could had had the control! If I had returned the feelings Andrea had for me... if I at least had realized what she felt for me, then I could have prevented this whole mess!" I stated, half shouting. "But I was oblivious to it all, I've always been oblivious! All my life, I've never realized the pain I inflicted on others. When I joked about people that weren't popular. When I had a different girl every day. I never noticed what kind of person I was. The worst of it all though, is that I liked that person. I liked looking at the mirror and I liked what I saw. I thought it was okay. It was okay to be popular and a womanizer. I kept telling myself that because I believed it, or at least I wanted to. And because I craved that so much, I started to believe it with such strength that I started being completely ignorant towards other people's feelings. And in my eyes it was all okay, it was all justified, it could all be excused. I never realized what I really was, what I really am. A monster."

"Don't say that!" Kiara shouted. We were alone in the hallway and the school was almost empty, but at that moment neither of us cared if other people were listening. "Don't use this as an excuse to become the monster you already believe you are! What happened with Andrea and James wasn't your fault, Matthew, I guarantee you that. You couldn't know. And yes, you did bad things before, but haven't we all? A monster stays a monster. What makes you different is that you realize you have done bad things and you're trying to change and make things well this time. You're not a monster, Matthew. It's time for you to realize that."

"I have no idea of how you are capable of forgiving me, despite all the shit I did, Kiara. It just shows how much of a good person you are, and how lucky I am to have met you, even if I didn't realize it at that time."

"There's nothing to forgive, Matthew, not anymore." Kiara made a small smile, but it came out dull, void, empty.

"I'm going to talk with Andrea, whether you like it or not. It's not up to you, Kiara." I informed, because I knew she was going to protest. "And James... I think Aiden and I should pay him a visit."

"No." Her eyes became fiercer and for a moment there I saw the old Kiara, the one full of determination and self-assurance. "Even if I understand that Andrea is someone that concerns you, as you're her friend, James is not. James is a completely different subject. Leave him alone. And I mean it, Matthew."

"I can see you do." My lips twisted into a weak smile. "I can you see mean it because you still love him, don't you? And even though he hurt you this much, you still don't want him to get hurt. I don't think he deserves you, Kiara. I don't think Aiden or myself do. In all honesty, I don't think anyone does. You're just too good of a person."

Kiara shook her head in denial. "I'm not. I really am not, and it pisses me off that everyone seems to think that. Heck, I'm not perfect! I'm not a goddess who deserves to be alone because every mortal is inferior to her. I don't think that. I make mistakes. I think things... about hurting James myself. Not physically, but emotionally, hurt him like he did. And I know I can't, I know I won't, but when I'm thinking that... it makes me feel good. So stop thinking I'm this flower who always has good thoughts. I'm human, okay? I have cloudy and stormy thoughts as well, I can get depressed too! Just because I don't show as much emotion as most people do, just because I tend to hide everything within me, doesn't mean I don't feel! In fact, I think people that have a harder time expressing themselves are the ones who get more hurt, are the ones who feel more pain. I believe that people that cry the least, feel the most."

Tears started falling down her eyes. One, two, three. I didn't know it was possible, but still my heart broke even more at that sight.

"Kiara..." Her name escaped my lips in an almost non-audible whisper.

"I'm sick of everyone thinking I'm indestructible! Maybe I wanted people to think that, and maybe I tried too hard that they actually started believing it... but beneath all of this, beneath all of this apparent confidence and strength, beneath this mask of steel, lies a scared little girl who maybe, just maybe, only wants to be hold, like everyone else. Maybe she only wants to be loved and love, like every other person."

I took one more step towards her and grabbed her arms, pulling her to me. I hugged her, not like she was a fragile doll that would break at any time, but like the strong person she really was, even if she couldn't see it now.

We had been through so much this year. Ever since I met her, the things that used to matter to me were no longer important. Popularity, breaking hearts, all of that seemed futile and shallow now that I was holding her in my arms, now that she was crying and needed someone to be there for her, because at the end of the day, no matter how strong a person seems to be, as she had said, no one is indestructible and she has the right to break down once in a while, just like everyone else.

"I'm here." I whispered into her hair. "Even if I'm not the best person in the world, I'm here now and I'm trying, Kiara."

She intensified the hug, holding onto me like she was drowning and I was her rescue buoy.

"Thank you." I heard her mumble. My heart ached for her, and it was painful, it was so damn painful, holding her in my arms and knowing that she wasn't mine, that she would never be. Maybe if we had met under different circumstances, maybe if I wasn't a dumbass back then, then maybe we could have been something. But now all I could ever do was be a friend to her, and right now that would have to be enough. Because right now that was what Kiara needed, a friend. Not a boyfriend, not a lover, just someone to hold her and whisper to her that everything would be alright, even if neither of us was sure of that.

-------------------------

On the third week of April, I decided to meet with Andrea in order to talk to her. I had already approached Brianna but she assured me that she had no idea of Andrea's plan and I believed her. Despite everything, Brianna was one of the few friends I actually had and even if she was friends with Andrea, she was a bigger friend of mine and she wouldn't lie to me.

It was a Saturday, and the sun was shining in the sky, no clouds in sight. It was incredibly warm and most people had gone to the beach. I, on the other hand, was waiting for Andrea in the mall. I had purposely chosen a public space to prevent Andrea from doing any scandal, yet knowing her as I knew her, audience wouldn't be an obstacle to her famous scandals. In fact, it might even motivate her more.

After a good thirty-minute of waiting, she finally showed up, dressed in a mini skirt and a top that barely covered her chest. I looked her up and down and my nose crumpled up in disgust. How could Kiara, who always wore casual things like jumpers and jeans, look more beautiful than this girl?

"Hello, Matthew." She smiled and I was surprised to see it wasn't a flirtatious smile. It seemed genuine, as if she was truly happy to see me.

"Hi." My voice came out harsh and cold and she narrowed her eyes, sitting down in front of me on a café. I was aware of the stares around us, Andrea wasn't exactly the discreet type, especially with such outfit.

"Is everything alright?" She asked, after ordering a strawberry juice.

"Cut the bullshit, Andrea. I know what you did to Kiara."

Her expression immediately went from nice to evil. Her teeth gritted, her forehead wrinkled and she pouted her lips in disgust.

"Seriously, Matt? Is this why you wanted to see me? To talk about her?"

"Yes."

She sighed in frustration and crossed her arms over her chest but then nodded.

"Fine. Then talk." Her strawberry juice arrived and she started playing with the straw in a bothered way.

"Really? You are not going to say anything yourself?"

"Well, what do you want me to say, Matthew? I could deny it all but I know you wouldn't believe a single word of what I'd say. The only thing I can say in my defense is that I did what I did because I... because I love you."

"That's seriously a pretty bad excuse." I stated and there was sadness in her eyes. Did she really like me that much? How could I have been so oblivious to her feelings all this time?

"Maybe for you. Maybe for the person you are now." She pursed her lips and the Andrea I knew, reckless and imprudent, was back. "You didn't seem that different from me at the beginning of the school year."

I swallowed because she was right and she had hit me right in my weakness.

"Don't you think you're being slightly hypocrite when you did something similar to her?" Andrea insisted.

"I changed."

"Because of her. I, on the other hand, had no reason to do so." Now her voice was the harsh one. Mine was lowering down as I ran out of arguments.

"You had no right to." I retorted. "And I know I shouldn't be the one to tell you these things, but as her friend, I have to. You had no right to hurt her. She never did anything bad to you. And just because you... you have feelings for me, that doesn't give you a right or an excuse to mess with her and James' relationship. This is her life we are talking about! It's not a game!"

"But it was for you! All your life, everything has been a game, hasn't it, Matthew? All the girls you were with, they didn't matter anything to you. They were toys and you enjoyed playing with them. Do you have any idea of how that felt? Watching you all these years destroy hearts and hearts and with every new one you tore apart, mine broke a little more as well? Because it gave me hope you would choose me next... and then it made me realize that even if you'd choose me, you'd play with me as well. Because it gave me hope that maybe you'd change, but you never did. Not until you met her, anyway."

"I know I was a shitty person back then, Andrea, I know! You don't have to rub it on my face! But this is a different Matthew that's talking to you now. That is begging you to think about what you've done. Don't you feel remorse? Even if just a bit?"

"James agreed to do it. I didn't put a gun to his head and forced him to do it. Why are you only talking to me about this?" I noticed how she purposely ignored my question. She was a master at that, tricking people and diverting subjects.

"Because you were my friend! Because I saw you grow up, and I thought higher of you! I never thought you could step this low, even with all the warnings I've been getting about you all these years. 'She's dangerous' or 'she can't be trusted'. And I never listened, I never listened because I believed in you and saw something no one else did. I saw a broken girl underneath all that craziness. I saw a girl craving for attention, craving to be loved."

Andrea blinked several times like someone had just slapped her.

"I... you thought that of me?"

I stared at her eyes and they were unreadable. The mask she had been building up all those years was now up, blocking her from being hurt. I didn't know what to do with that power, I didn't know that I was the one who could hurt her, Andrea, the untamable girl.

"Yes, Andrea, I really did."

We stood in silence for a long time.

"I'm sorry." She broke it off. "But I can't lie to you. Not to you. I can't tell you I regret what I did. I... I don't. In my heart, I still hate Kiara and I don't think that will ever change. She stole my chance of being the girl who changed you to a better person. But maybe the reason I could never change you was because I wasn't a much better person than you were. I am sorry though for dragging you into this mess. And even for James, he didn't deserve to be played like that either. I know he's got some of the blame... but not all. I... I know I said I didn't force him, and I really didn't. But I pushed his buttons. I knew how to do so. I explored his weaknesses in order to make him agree with him, I played with his mind and heart. You said it yourself, I'm a trickster. That's what I do." She paused for a bit, taking in my expression.

"So... tell Kiara this." She continued. "James was aware of what he was doing, but I believe a part of him was somewhat blind. He was a lost teenage boy who wanted me and at that time he'd do anything to have me, even if he wouldn't admit it. It could have been Kiara, or any other girl. She was the unfortunate chosen one. But I saw him change, just like you changed. I don't know what she has that makes her so special and able to change people... maybe she is worth knowing after all. And I know that he's in love with her. I saw it in his eyes when he came to talk to me to broke off our agreement. He was so regretted of what he had done, he was full of guilt. So tell her this. Maybe it will help her forgive him. I don't know if you want that now, though. Now you have your chance."

"I'd never do that to her." I said, and I knew it was true. "I'd never hide what you just told me from her. If he really is sorry, then Kiara has the right to know. Even if I want to be with her, I can't lie to her, I can't keep something like this from her, I can't look at her and see her broken and not do anything when I know that he truly loves her. If she is going to forgive him, that's up to her. But if I can help, even if it's just a little, and even if it may mean that they will go back together, then I will do it. I'll tell her. She has the right to know."

Andrea nodded.

"I'm just sorry things will never be as they were before between us. I know I never had a chance with you—"

"Why?" I cut her off. "Why did you fall in love with me even if I was a womanizer who couldn't care less about whose hearts I'd break?"

She bit her lip, her features wrinkling as she thought of the answer.

"I don't know. One day I just realized I had fallen for you. I can't choose one reason. I know you were a stupid guy who made stupid things but I guess I saw in you what you saw in me. A broken boy who did all those things to hide his true feelings, to prevent him from getting hurt. You closed your heart so that no one could have it, and therefore, so that no one could break it. I guess that in the end, one way or another, we all do that. We all have our demons, and we all try to hide them, because our demons are our weaknesses and we don't want anyone to know them, we don't want anyone to have control over them. Some deal better with that though. Some put up their masks and armors and never let anyone approach them and break them. But I did. I didn't want to, and I didn't know how, but you were slowly breaking the mask I had so hardly tried to built. And Kiara broke yours as well. Maybe in the end no one is truly untouchable. Maybe in the end there will always be someone, the person we least expect, that will come with all they have, will pierce through our barriers, and break us into pieces. And we let them because there's nothing we can do. We can't choose who we fall in love with, and we can't help but fall hard."

"That's the deepest thing you have ever said to me in all these years that I've known you. In fact, this all conversation – it's just showing me that you're not as shallow or as reckless as everyone thinks you are. Maybe if you showed this side of yours more often – this thoughtful and human side of yours that actually cares – then maybe you could more easily be loved." I truthfully declared.

Andrea nodded again.

"It's easier said than done."

"If it was easy, it wouldn't be worth it. It's a long path, changing, but it's worth it. I believe you have in yourself the power to change."

"Will you ever forgive me?" She asked, a glimpse of hope in her voice. She tried to hide it though.

"I don't really have the power to do so. I was in the same condition as you are right now and Kiara forgave me, but I was truly sorry. And you aren't."

"Will you help me be? Regretted?"

I smile sadly at her.

"That's something only you can do. But if you want to know the truth, I believe – or at least I want to, I really do, with all my strengths – that deep down you are sorry, even if just a bit. You are just hiding it like everything else, like you have been used to do."

Andrea's face surprisingly broke into a grin, and it was as if my words had set her free, like she no longer had to hide herself behind that mask that covered her demons.

"Thank you. For everything. I know I don't deserve what you are doing, but I really appreciate it."

"We all make mistakes, Andrea. I've told you already, I am in no position of judging you."

"I don't know her that well. Kiara." Andrea chuckled sadly. "I've only ever known her as the tough girl from rowing who was never shaken by anything, who never got hurt. And I envied her so much. Her ability to block the world, the people, the evilness. I didn't realize that I was becoming evil myself. Maybe I should have put more effort into actually knowing her then go on hating her and envying her. But I do know this though. She would be proud of you. I know I am."

"Thanks." I smiled and it wasn't a sad smile anymore. I could feel her change in front of my eyes. It may had seemed like a small change, but in reality it was a huge one. She was realizing things and apologizing, something she had never done before. There was still hope for her.

"I guess I'll see you around then." She got up, placed a dollar bill on the table and I followed her moves. "Goodbye, Matthew."

"Good luck." I told her as she walked away. She turned around, a confused expression on her face. "For what?"

"For you." I answered honestly. She smiled, a genuine smile again. She only smiled like this with me, and it was only now that I was realizing it. It was the same kind of smile I only held for Kiara. I guess everyone has that special smile that only shows to the person they love.

I was really hoping that in the future, maybe not tomorrow, or the next day, but someday, Andrea would smile like that to someone who could love her. Who could truly love her with all their heart and all they had to give. Because right now, I knew her heart was breaking with every word I had told her. I had rejected her, and broken her heart when doing so. But, she, like Kiara, was a tough girl. They were very different, yes, but they had that one thing in common: they weren't very receptive to love, but when they loved, they loved deep. And they never liked other people to see them cry either.

"Thank you." She replied. "And, Matthew? Good luck for you too."

A smile crept onto my lips.

Kiara would be proud of you.

I didn't know if that was true, but I had one certainty though: I was proud of myself. 

I was finally proud of myself.

"I should have never let you hold me baby

Maybe why I'm sad to see us apart

I didn't give it to you on purpose

Can't figure out how you stole my heart

(...)

How did I get here with you?

I'll never know

I never meant to let it get so personal

And after all I tried to do

To stay away from love with you

I'm broken-hearted

I can't let you know

And I won't let it show

You won't see me cry."

Picture is Andrea, played by Bella Thorne!

Music is "Cry" by Rihanna. Absolutely wonderful *-*