Chapter 40 - Your Life Starts Now

"I need some shelter of my own protection, baby

Be with myself in center, 

Clarity, Peace, Serenity

I hope you know, I hope you know

That this has nothing to do with you

It's personal, myself and I

We got some straightening out to do"

Kiara's POV

The funny thing about life is that you always think you're immune to the bad things that occur in it. You always think you'll somehow be able to be superior to disgrace, that you'll walk over it in style. You always think you'll be strong enough to not break down, but when the moment finally comes, everything comes crashing down and so do you.

I didn't let that happen to me with Matthew and Aiden, but unfortunately, it did happen with James Miller. I thought everything was okay in one second, and suddenly in the other everything was wrong. All my life I had stated that I would never allow myself to cry for a boy, that I would never let anyone break me, that I would not let anyone come near me, destroying my walls and tearing me apart while doing so.

But James Miller was a hurricane I wasn't ready for. No one warned me for this. Thinking I'd be stronger than a teenage love was a foolish supposition to do, one that I could only form before I actually fell in love.

And it was terrifying, giving your heart to someone like that. Giving away the power, allowing them to have control over you, to affect you in a way no one else could. And with one single word or action they could destroy everything that you had fought for, everything that you believed in.

But then again, as much as you tried to fight it, as much as you tried to prevent yourself from being in love, you couldn't. No one had that kind of control and all you could do was give in to it.

And I had gave in it to it and now James Miller had my heart still. As much as I hated it, he still had it, and I didn't know when I would be able to get it back. And that single thing scared me and upset me more than anything else.

But I came to the decision that it was time to stop the crying, the babbling, the anger I felt towards him, for he didn't deserve it. A part of me knew Andrea had influenced him and taken advantage of his feelings for her, but that didn't give him the right to do everything she demanded just to win her love, particularly because he had said so himself, that their love wasn't a real thing but more of a fling.

Matthew had told me he had spoken with Andrea, but he didn't told me what in concrete they had talked about, and I hadn't asked. I didn't really care, to be honest. Senior year was almost over and I had had enough drama for a lifetime. All I wanted now was to focus on this last few months of the last year, graduate from school, deal with colleges and row in competitions.

Looking back at junior year, everything looked so much simpler and plain. Everything was easier, and I was different back then. Reticent to love and to life really. I was more open now and I had made good friends, despite how all may have started.

Everyone seemed to have their lifes mapped out. Ellie and Cameron would return to England next year, Cameron would start a job as a reporter and Ellie would study in a Drama college.

Roxy was going to study in Canada as she had family there. She had received a rowing scholarship she was much proud of. As to Lori, she was sad that she and Cameron would have to break up, because none of them believed in long distance relationships. She decided to take a year before going to college to do an internship in a fashion magazine, which was perfect for her.

Aiden wasn't going to college either, and I doubted he ever would. Not that he wasn't smart, but as he said, he didn't picture himself as a college guy. He wanted to become a professional motorbike racer though, and I could only hope he would fulfill his dream.

Matthew was going to a college in California and planned on becoming a professional football player. The college he was going to had a really good team and with his talent I had no doubt he would accomplish his desires.

Dylan was going to the closest college to our town. He had always planned on studying there because he didn't want to be away from his family. Rayla would study there as well. I remembered that, as kids, Dylan and I would always argue about that, the fact that he wanted to stay in our town and I wanted to go out and see the world.

It made me sad to think that I may never see my friends again, but I knew better than to think that high school friendships lasted forever. Of course I would try as much to maintain contact with all of them, but as time passed and we grew, I knew that some time in the future we would drift apart and follow our own lives. It was simply the course of things, the course of life. Maybe for us it would be different, I wanted to believe that. Maybe we would meet in those reunions they do years after high school, or maybe in someone's wedding. But we wouldn't see or talk to each other every day like we were used to, and that was something really painful, to say the least.

I knew I was going to miss the fun I had with them, the wind in my hair while rowing in the river, the talks, the laughs, the feelings.

I knew I was going to miss a certain boy as well, and even if I hated to admit it, I hated feeling it even more.

With the end of April came the thing I was dreading the most: prom. I never liked the idea of it and now even less.

What was the point of wearing fancy dresses for one night, dance until our bodies hurt and celebrate high school when it felt like high school had barely nothing to celebrate?

Don't get me wrong, I was more than happy and grateful for my friends but everything else – all the pain, all the lies, all the betrayals, all the stupid people in my school – was it really worth celebrating?

And who was I going to celebrate prom with? Lori and Roxy's prom was in another school, Dylan was going with Rayla, and Aiden had asked Ellie to go with him.

Brianna had invited Matthew to go as friends and he said yes. I was the only one without a pair but then again, I was the one who always defended we didn't need anyone else to be happy.

Then why did I feel so void? There was a part of me that no longer believed in that and there was nothing I could do about it. I just had to learn how to live with this new me, this recently found part of me that actually liked love.

And that was actually broken by it.

Nonetheless, Ellie, Roxy and Lori dragged me to dress shopping and it was actually refreshing taking my mind out of things. However, they did not succeed in making me wear one of those beautiful dresses you see in Macy's. Instead, I opted for a blue and white plaid playsuit with straps that wrapped around the neck.

And so the dreaded day finally arrived.

-------------------------

"You look beautiful." Ellie said as I finished brushing my hair. She had offered herself to do it for me but I didn't want a complicated hairstyle to worry about all night, so instead I opted to let it loose.

We were in my bedroom, with Ellie already ready, wearing a cute peach dress just above the knee.

Roxy and Lori's prom was in the same day as ours, which meant Andrea and James' prom was as well, as they all went to the same school.

"You too." I smiled at her and took a glance at the mirror. I did look beautiful. I allowed Ellie to do my make up but I told her I didn't want anything very fancy and she took my request into consideration. "I wish Roxy and Lori were here though."

Ellie nodded in agreement. "Me too. But we'll meet them at the beach later in the night."

"So are you and Aiden a thing already?" I asked her and she looked down at her feet.

"I don't think he's over you yet." Ellie stated, a sad tone in her voice.

I swallowed. "One day he will be, Ellie, and he'll realize what an amazing girl he has in front of him."

Ellie shook her head, raising it up so that she could look at me in the eyes. "What's the point anyway?" She shrugged. "I'm moving to England in a few months. He's going to stay here. It would never work out, one way or another."

"I'm sorry." I didn't know what else to say. I was never the best person to comfort others.

"It's okay. And I don't want you to feel guilty about it, Kiara, honestly. I can handle myself. If there's one thing that you taught me throughout this entire year is that a girl can be strong and happy without a guy."

I grinned at her.

"At least I did some good this year."

"Can I come in?" My dad said from outside the door.

"Yeah." I answered and the door opened. My dad's eyes twinkled in pride when he saw me, yet there was also something else in them. Concern.

"Do I need to grab my gun to protect you from hormonal high school boys?" He asked, his voice serious but his eyes, filled with amusement, betraying him.

"Dad!" I exclaimed. He raised his hands.

"I was just suggesting. You're beautiful, Kiara. I hope you enjoy this night."

I smiled at him.

"Thanks."

My father nodded and turned to get out of the room.

"Oh, I almost forgot." He said, turning on his heels. "Dylan is waiting downstairs to take you girls."

I nodded and we followed my dad down the stairs. Dylan looked really handsome in his grey tuxedo, and Rayla stood beautiful in her pale pink long dress.

Dylan smiled once he saw us.

"I'm feeling very lucky to be surrounded by such beautiful girls."

We chuckled and my mom came from the living room with a camera in her hands.

"Okay, guys, form a line in front of the chimney. It's time for prom pictures!"

I rolled my eyes but happily joined my friends to take pictures. By the time it was done my mother had tears in her eyes.

"Mom..."

She smiled, that kind of smile people make when they cry out of happiness and pride.

"I told you in the Halloween dance, Kiara, that when it got to prom, I'd be crying." She wiped away her tears. "Gosh, you all look so beautiful. You've grown so much and I'm so proud of you guys..."

A big smile crept onto my face as I approached her and hugged her. We were interrupted by the bell ringing. I walked towards the door and opened it up to reveal Aiden in black jeans, a white shirt and a black jacket.

He stared at me with a smirk on his face, that smirk that used to piss me off so much and that now I knew I'd miss.

"I should have guessed you weren't going to wear a dress." He spoke up, his voice rough.

"And I should have guessed that there was no way in hell you were going to wear a suit." I smirked as well.

His smirk turned into a grin and then he turned his attention to Ellie.

After some more pictures, tears, meaningful speeches and warnings from my father, we finally got out of my house and into the car. We were all going in Dylan's car, with the exception of Aiden who would be driving his bike, and Matthew, who would be meeting us at the school.

"I can't believe we are actually heading to prom." Dylan said as he drove off towards the school.

"I know, right? It feels so surreal, it's like, this is the moment we've all been waiting and dreaming for since we were freshmen." Rayla added.

"Well, all but Kiara." Dylan declared, giving me a knowing smile.

After a few more minutes, we finally arrived at the school. From the parking lot we could hear the blast of the music coming from the gym and a shiver ran down my spine. This was it. One last night to remember everything and then we would all begin a new chapter in our lives.

Of course we still had graduation and all, but while that meant one last time of celebrating our time as high school students, prom meant one last time to celebrate our time as friends and remember all the funny moments.

We walked towards the gym, the sound of the music becoming louder and louder. The gym was barely recognizable, purple lights hanging from the roof, blue and purple balloons everywhere, tables with all kinds of food and drinks, a dance floor, etc.

"This looks nice!" Ellie beamed excitedly. "Let's go dance!"

They headed towards the dance floor. Dylan looked behind and saw me standing there.

"Are you coming?"

"I'm just looking for Matthew. I'll meet you there."

He nodded and I looked around to search for Matthew but he was nowhere to be seen. Then suddenly a voice spoke from behind me.

"Looking for someone?"

I turned around to see a handsome Matthew in a black tuxedo, his hair spiked up.

"Where's Brianna?"

"Went to get some drinks. Where are the others?"

"At the dance floor."

"And you stayed behind to search for me?" Matthew asked, raising his eyebrows.

"Of course. You're my friend." I smiled at him and he smiled back.

"You look lovely, by the way." His voice was sincere and his eyes bright.

"Thanks."

We stood in silence for a few seconds before he broke it off.

"You know, this reminds me of the Halloween dance."

"Really?" I asked, staring at his bluish-green eyes.

"Yeah." He nodded. "When we went to the roof and we talked about popularity and you told me I had to change if I wanted people to see me as more than just the popular football player. And without realizing it, you were already changing me back then. So much has happened since then, it's almost as if we're living different lives. And I'm so grateful for this new person I'm becoming, I'm so grateful that you changed me. I never really got the chance to thank you, Kiara, so yeah, thanks."

"You're not the only one who changed, Matthew."

He nodded. "I know. Have you talked to him since... you know?"

I shook my head. "No. He's been trying to, but I just ignore him. I can't let him start talking and start apologizing because I'm afraid that I... that I actually do. He makes me weak and I hate it, but dammit, he made me so strong as well."

"That's what love is, right? We're weak and we're strong, all at the same time and all because of someone else. And it's terrifying, but it's wonderful too."

I chuckled.

"It hasn't exactly been wonderful for me."

"Maybe the right time for you to completely live the experience of love hasn't arrived yet."

I nodded.

"You're probably right. But enough with the philosophical talks, we've had plenty of those throughout this year. Wanna join the others at the dance floor?"

Matthew smirked.

"Sure."

-------------------------

We danced, we sang, we ate, we laughed, we talked, we lived and prom turned out to be amazing. My friends and I had lots of fun and I knew I would always remember this day with a smile on my lips.

"Guys, it's time." Ellie approached me when I was dancing with Dylan and Rayla.

"They'll meet us at the beach, right?" Dylan asked and Ellie nodded.

We took one last glance at the gym before we walked out of it towards Dylan's car. We had agreed to meet Lori, Cameron, Roxy and Tyler at the beach for one last moment in prom's night.

When we got to the beach, there was no one else there. It was a warm April night, the starts shining brightly in the dark sky, the new moon appearing behind some clouds.

Then we heard laughs and talking and we saw our friends standing there, smiles on their faces like they had been enjoying themselves as well.

"So, how was your prom?" Lori asked, wearing a beautiful short green dress that made her eyes stand out.

"Great. What about yours?" Ellie questioned. The night went on and on as we talked about both proms, comparing which one was better. After some time I got up and went to sit by the dunes, watching the waves roll down on the sand, trying to block the memories this beach gave to me.

"He asked about you, you know." I looked up to see Roxy wearing a stunning one-strap purple dress. She sat down beside me, not really caring if she was going to cover the dress with sand. "James."

I nodded, not really wanting to demonstrate curiosity, but Roxy knew that, and so she continued.

"He asked us how you were. Lori told him you were fine without him but when she went to get some drinks he approached me and asked for a real answer. I could have lied, you know, but I honestly don't think you would want that. So I told him you had cried, you had been a mess, but you were better now. You were recovering. I hope you're not upset about it."

I shook my head.

"You did the right thing. There's no point in hiding it anyway. Everyone can see it, I'm a girl with a broken heart."

"But you won't be that forever. You'll move on eventually." Roxy stated.

"I wish I didn't have to." I forced a smile. "I wish everything could have been different. I wish he was here with us now. And I hate that I wish that because he doesn't deserve it, but I can't help it. My feelings for him are stronger than my mind. My love is stronger than my hatred. And I don't know how this happened, I shouldn't have let this happen, but it did and I have to learn how to deal with it now."

Roxy nodded. She got up because she knew I wanted to be alone, alone in my bubble, alone with my thoughts, as always.

"I just want you to know one more thing though, Kiara." Roxy said before walking away. "He really is sorry. I can see that he's suffering. I'm not saying you should forgive him, that's your own choice, but you need to know his true feelings for you. What he did was hideous, yes, but what he feels for you now? It's a rare thing these days."

I looked away as she walked towards our friends, fighting back the tears that were prickling my eyes. I bit my lip when I noticed one single tear falling down onto the sand next to me.

And that right there represented what I felt for him. That single tear, alone and disappearing in the vastness of the dunes, was the hatred I still had for him. The sand in which the tear disappeared was the love I had towards him since that day, that Valentine's day, on that very same beach, the day he held me in his arms and sang to me "It Was Always You", the day he looked me in the eye and said to me he would always be there for me, he would always catch me if I fell. For real.

But it wasn't for real. He wasn't here now, and I had fallen already.

-------------------------

Weeks later, late May

"I look hideous in this robe." I commented, staring into the school's bathroom mirror. This was it, my final moment as a high school student. Classes had finished, I had passed all my exams and now it was Graduation day. I was wearing a purple and blue gown, the school's colours, and a matching purple graduation cap.

"Don't worry." Ellie said. "You're not the only one."

I smiled at her and let out an anxious sigh.

"Ready?"

"Of course." She said and we walked out of the bathroom towards the football field where graduation was being held. The day was bright, warm and sunny, with no clouds at sight. There were students with matching gowns everywhere, surrounded by their families and friends. My family was already sitting in one of the last rows of chairs placed in front of the stage, along with Dylan's family, including his sister Tracy.

Ellie and I occupied our seats next to Dylan, Aiden and Matthew in one of the front rows that were destined for students, and they smiled at us. The chairs were being occupied in no particular order, but the school's principal was going to call us alphabetically. I, being Raven, would be one of the last ones to be called.

After the Student Council President's speech, it was time to receive the diplomas. Ellie, being Abrams, was one of the first students to go to the stage and receive her diploma. Matthew was next, and then Dylan. As students went into the stage and my name got closer to being called, I started getting nervous.

Finally, the principal called my name and I got up, receiving smiles and thumbs up from my friends. I climbed the stairs to the stage, my heart bumping in my chest, greeted the teachers and the principal, and gladly took the diploma in my hands, smiling to take the picture.

I could see my parents beaming with proud and my friends with grins on their faces, and as I held the diploma in my hands, smiling to the photographer's camera, I realized I was free at last.

I didn't have to wake up every morning to go to high school anymore. I didn't have to endure stupid people and rude comments and shallowness and futility. I mean, I know I would have to encounter those things throughout my life, but in high school I had no escape. I had to finish it, not only because it was in the law, but also because of the satisfaction and pride of actually completing it. But now, if I was going to meet more stupid people in my life, I could simply walk away because nothing would hold me back, nothing would make me feel trapped anymore.

I didn't have to give any more explanations, I didn't have to justify myself anymore. I was finally free and I was going to be even freer once I turned eighteen, which was going to happen next week, on the 6th of June.

And as I held that diploma in my hands, a symbol that represented a part of my life that ended, representing everything I had endured for so long, I came to the realization of something I already knew but never truly admitted.

I was never meant for this town, for this place, for this people. I loved many of them, I truly did, but I never fit in, I never truly belonged to these walls, to these streets, to this life.

All my life I had craved for freedom, I had craved to see the world and now I finally could, and nothing nor no one could stop me.

I longed for more and maybe I was being selfish, but was being selfish all that bad? Was desiring and aspiring more for myself really that cruel? Did wanting more because I deserved more make me a bad person? Yes, maybe I had to leave some things behind, and yes, maybe that really made me selfish, maybe I was only thinking about myself. But that was the person I was. I needed to put myself in first place. After the year I had had, I needed to go away and organize my ideas, I needed to explore new places, meet new people, discover horizons. If this was what I needed, I wasn't going to let anyone stop me, I wasn't going to let anyone take this from me. Besides, I could always come back someday.

But then, in that very instant, in that moment frozen in time, in the only now I knew, as the camera flashed and blinded me for a second and took the pictures, as my fingers grasped the diploma's rough paper, and my mouth opened in a wide smile, I knew for sure that this was what I wanted, this was what I needed, this was what I had waited for my entire life.

It was time for me to move on.

No regrets. No worries. Just me, myself and the bright future ahead of me. Smile into the camera, because this is the not the end, Kiara, this is the beginning.

Your life starts now.

"And I'm gonna miss you

like a child misses their blanket

But I've gotta get a move on with my life

It's time to be a big girl now

And big girls don't cry

The path that I'm walking, I must go alone

I must take the baby steps 'til I'm full grown, full grown

Fairy tales don't always have a happy ending, do they?

And I foresee the dark ahead 

If I stay."

Picture in this chapter is Kiara's outfit for prom. And the music is "Big Girls Don't Cry" by Fergie. Perfect song!