"And what about you Atlas? How are you feeling?" Amir asked as Thor looked away idly.

Atlas shrugged. "Tired, I guess? Other than that I'm fine." He glanced over at me and then at Indigo with a barely concealed smirk. "Probably not as tired as Teo and Indigo though, I heard they've been up all night."

I concealed my smirk, casting a subtle glance in Indigo's direction to see her reaction. 

She seemed as unbothered as ever, not even a twitch appearing in her eye as she turned her gaze on Atlas.

"I think you should get that checked out," she said.

"Get what checked out?" Atlas asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Your brain."

I chuckled. "Burn."

"That's what I'm at this complex for," Atlas shot back, looking rather pleased with his comeback.

"On that note," Amir said with a roll of his eyes, once again interrupting our important side discussions. "Nellie?"

"The pain comes and goes, but the feeling of fatigue is a constant blanket over me," she murmured, looking down intently at the floor.

"Do you think this is literal bodily fatigue or a feeling that is dominantly being produced by your mind, an illusion, so to speak?"

"I don't know," Nellie responded after a brief pause, a look of disappointment settling on her face.

"It's normal to be unable to tell the difference, don't be discouraged. I just wanted to pose the question and let you start thinking about it. This topic reminds me to encourage you guys to participate in the activities offered on 'free' days like this when no games are planned," He said, his gaze sweeping across the entire room.

"Uh, what activities?" Atlas asked, voicing the entire room's thoughts judging by our faces.

"The activities mentioned in the br-...right. The brochure that none of you read past the first two pages." He let out an exasperated sigh. "On these free days, there are activities like yoga, a gym, and even a reading club. Idle hands are playthings for the devil as my grandmother would say, and this is especially true for people attempting to change their life around like you lot are."

He had a point.

"Won't activities just make me more tired?" Nellie asked.

"Being tired is natural, healthy even. It's a sign your body is asking you to rest and providing that rest allows your body to recharge. Now, the mental fatigue I suspect you're experiencing is a bit different. Simply sleeping isn't always the answer for this issue; in some cases, it requires physical exertion or activities you consider fun or worthwhile that will ideally lead to physical fatigue and allow for that nice resting state the body craves."

I glanced at Indigo. Could mental fatigue be the explanation for her insomnia? Shouldn't she be mentioning her insomnia to Amir?

Indigo met my gaze and seemed to understand my unsaid questions because, after a brief pause, she shook her head slightly.

I shrugged. Wasn't my job to play therapist.

"I guess," Nellie said, still sounding unconvinced.

"As I said with Thor, we'll go more in depth as we progress," Amir said before turning his gaze to me. "How about you, Mateo? You've been pretty quiet recently."

The usual, life's pretty shit and it became shittier when I lost the one thing that numbs me and makes everything borderline manageable.

"Not too bad. I'm just not in that much of a talking mood," I said instead.

"Uh-huh. I've told you before that this is a safe space, Mateo - but I'll say it again. This is a safe space. Perhaps the family session tomorrow will encourage you to open up more than you have been."

 "Or perhaps there's nothing to open up about."

"Somehow I doubt that. I believe that every person in the world - even someone many would consider boring, has a lot to say under the right circumstances. A story to tell."

"Yeah, if I was your age maybe."

Amir shook his head. "Even a cub has a story out here in the wild."

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes as he moved on to Indigo.

"Me being fine or not has less to do with my recent lack of drug consumption and instead the recent increase in forced human interaction," Indigo said in response to Amir's question.

"Do you think that this could be because you know that they're fighting against something similar to yourself and thus-"

"No," Indigo interrupted. "Everyone goes through struggles and frankly I could care less. The issue is human interaction, no deeper psychological meaning that you're searching for."

"Introverts exist of course, and they tend to avoid social interaction whether because it makes them nervous or they simply dislike it. Why do you think you're an introvert?"

"It's a birthright. Both my parents are introverts and my grandparents were as well. It's really that simple. We are gifted with the ability to see the phoniness and stupidity in humanity as soon as we take our first glance at the overworked obstetrician bringing us into this world."

"Why would that make you have such a negative outlook on humans though," Atlas asked to my surprise. "Someone helping your mother to deliver you doesn't seem like it should have that effect."

Indigo made a tsking sound. "There's a layer of subdued loathing in their gaze from their stressful job and toward the product of their job."

"But if you have to look that deep into it, can't you just be content with their initial reaction of satisfaction at the successful procedure instead of looking for something to sour your mood?"

Amir watched the conversation unfold quietly with those probing therapist eyes that seemed to be looking into their very soul. I imagine I didn't look much different myself.

"Are you saying you rather be duped by fabricated emotions that people show to appear morally sound than examine their real feelings that linger beneath the surface with potentially harmful ulterior motives?"

"Yea -I mean, no...probably not all of that stuff but, if you have to make so many links with so many reaches and assumptions, isn't that just unnecessary stress and overthinking? I understand that people have reasons they do stuff like befriend others, especially reasons that benefit them, but if you spend all your time worrying about what everyone is secretly thinking you're not really...living."

He was really channeling his inner Leibniz right now. He was stationed deep on the side of optimists, but he wasn't as much of an airhead as he acted.

"That's a pretty gullible way to look at things. It sets you up to be used for others' gains with no questions asked. Are you really fine with that?"

Atlas shrugged. "Maybe I am. You used Mateo for your own gain just the other day to win the mixed race and it led to everyone involved being happy."

"That's not the same thing."

"Isn't it? The only difference is you had no reason to doubt his motives and thus trusted him and found out that he was reliable in that case. What if you're missing out on other scenarios like that one just because you've put up the Great Wall of China between you and others."

"It's neither my fault nor my problem that manipulative people have ruined the experience for genuine people. If you have four poisonous cherries and one harmless one in your hand with no idea which it was, and you randomly dig into the pack and take one based on simple intuition, there's an eighty percent chance you picked wrong and end up dead," Indigo shot back.

This had to be the calmest argument ever. Indigo wore her usual poker face and Atlas carried his customary calm demeanor while neither of them raised their voices much.

"I think it's time I step in," Amir said just as Atlas opened his mouth to respond again. "Both of you make good points and I think both sides would benefit from understanding what the other is saying."

"Of course the therapist tries to take both sides," Indigo said.

Amir sighed. "That's the same strictly negative outlook that makes what Atlas said valid."

"Whatever."

"Do you guys agree with what I said?" Amir asked, his eyes flicking to Nellie, Thor and me in succession.

They both nodded but I refused to. It wasn't that I didn't agree with him, because his little breakdown seemed logical but since the whole room was against Indigo's views, I didn't want to seem like I was against her too. 

Amir raised an eyebrow. "What do you think, Mateo?"

"I think that there should be an "I don't care" option."

"Right. I think it's time we get back on topic to what I had planned initially, now that we've all woken up a little," He announced. "Firstly, I want you all to use three adjectives to describe your feelings when you're under the influence."

Everyone looked to Thor. "Well..." he started, "maybe...confident, free and sociable? And I don't notice the stares."

"Next."

Atlas smirked. "Warm, free and happy."

I raised an eyebrow. Atlas seemed like the happiest person I had ever met.

Nellie went next. "Probably brave, happy and content."

Who's going to tell her the last two mean pretty much the same thing?

All eyes in the room turned to me expectantly.

I decided to actually give it some thought. What did I really feel before I blacked out and evidently ran down a highway half-naked? What did I feel on my benders before I couldn't feel anymore?

"Numb, confident and... what's a word for feeling on top of the world?"

"Euphoric?" Thor suggested.

I nodded. "That."

Amir scribbled in his notebook, which I just realized he had been writing in the entire time. "Last but not least..." he said, looking back up.

"Numb, tranquil and productive," she listed off without hesitation.

"Fascinating. Now, how about one adjective to describe how you feel afterwards the high?"

"Broken," Thor said, his voice taking on a sad undertone.

"Lonely," Atlas offered with a smile that didn't match his word.

Nellie hesitated. "Tired."

I met Amir's eyes and prepared the most artistic word I could think of. "Shitty."

Atlas chuckled in the background and Amir shook his head before writing down a probably more censored word in his little notebook.

"Dead," Indigo stated. Ever the sunshine in the room.

"Well, as one would expect, you all depict coming down from a high with negative and," he paused to glance at me, "colorful words. But, the three adjectives you mentioned are motivation enough for you to chase that high knowing the experience that will follow over and over again. Am I right?"

Some muttered their obvious agreement as I waited for him to get to the obvious point he was getting to.

"In my experience, there are two main types of addicts. Carefree addicts and trauma addicts. Carefree addicts chase a high simply because they can and they've linked having fun with being high. Excuse my language but I consider these types of folks blockheads."

I rolled my eyes. He even insulted like an old monk.

"However," he continued, "from the first day you each introduced yourselves I could tell there was more depth within your eyes than a carefree addict would contain. Which brings me to trauma addicts. These types of addicts have issues, whether caused by external or internal factors - which push them towards using as an escape, because that's what the experience can be. Like toxic humans, as Indigo mentioned earlier, a substance can pretend to be the solution to your problems early on until even when it's clear this is not the case, it's too late to stop. And I think each of you, in your own ways, fit this description."

It sure felt like I was being labeled as 'damaged goods'.

Amir paused and looked at each of us, probably checking to see if we were listening still considering no one was saying anything. 

Satisfied with the attentiveness he saw, Amir continued. "Which is why we're in the middle of the woods, a controlled environment with no distractions." I raised an unconvinced eyebrow which he noticed. "No common human distractions," he corrected. "This way, we therapists can focus on our charges without outside influences tempting you with a good time during such a hard period as withdrawals. And it's why I've decided not to mention the word drugs in this room, because it's not drugs that I'm dealing with; believe it or not, they're only a small part of the problem. The real problem is the hidden traumas within each of you that need to be resolved before you can truly be considered sober."

I raised my hand with an innocent look. "So you're saying alcohol is still on the table when this is all over?"

Amir let out a long-suffering sigh.

-------

"I was beginning to have my doubts when we just ran a random race but that speech made a lot of sense," Atlas said from a painful-looking eagle pose position on a mat. He had convinced me to come to the yoga activity with him after our Delta session finished, which I only agreed to on the condition that I wouldn't participate.

If I had to mimic the position he was currently in, I would probably actually need some painkillers after. 

"Therapists are trained to be good at lip service. Of course what he says will sound logical."

"We're switching to the plank! Don't overdo it," the yoga instructor called from the front of the room.

The room wasn't exactly full but it wasn't deserted either, with most of the participants being females wearing yoga pants. A result that was likely carefully calculated by Atlas.

"Ah, don't be such a buzz-kill," Atlas replied, easily holding the plank position. "Tell you what, my mother is great at noticing when someone is lying...or maybe that's just for me. Anyway, let's see what she has to say tomorrow."

Tomorrow?

"What?"

Atlas looked up from his plank. "Did you forget already? The first family sessions are tomorrow."

Kill me now.