Chapter Thirty- Two

I'm sorry

     "Hey Eren," I spoke up as I walked by Natalia's room. "I'm glad to see you back."

     "Thanks," He smiled. "I hope we can catch up soon when we're not too busy."

     "Sure! Have you seen Natalia by any chance? I'd thought I could catch her in her room." I asked. "I want to talk to her before heading to go meet Levi at the training grounds."

     "I went to talk to her you might want to just head to go train she hit her foot on her desk pretty bad she's been in pain, I think it's better for her to rest." He replied with a slight chuckle. "I was on my way to go find Armin and speak some sense into him." 

     "Sense into him?" I raised my eyebrow at him.

     "You haven't seen it? God it truly makes me disappointed, this dude has a huge crush on my sister and it's disgusting!" He scoffed and crossed his arms. "I mean the least he could do is ask her out properly! Armin wrote letters to her and I think she also wrote letters to him, I don't know how to get them together anymore I've tried to talk to both of them but they're just so afraid to admit their feelings!" 

Wow, that was a lot to take in. But seriously? They still haven't got together? It's almost as if they need more people to push them. I can't push them, I really need to let the universe do it's thing and somehow or someway it'll work out.

Or it won't.

I know sometimes it can be the right person and wrong time, I hope it's not one of those cases because I've really been rooting for them all these years.

But it's not like I know anything about love, that's quite sad that my own brother has a better love life than me. I had a few flings here and there but nothing too serious, I wish I would've taken it serious back then because maybe I'd be able to help those kids. So yes, I have experience and I've slept with a couple of guys but I could never dig my roots in here. I don't like talking about it or thinking about it too much because it just reminds me of all the failed relationships or potential relationships. I didn't have time for that, I tried to push myself to become a better soldier instead of focusing on stupid shit that makes you weak.

Maybe A.L was one of those flings that will never get to flourish.

It's fine, I don't need men to make me happy. It's fine. 

I'm fine.

Then why do I feel so disappointed?

     "Hurry up," Levi barged past me going down the stairs. 

Why does he always just pop out everywhere? So random too it's scaring me.

     "Yes sir," I nodded following him outside and he had a small blade with him which he handed to me as we got settled. 

     "Have you ever trained with a real blade?" He questioned circling me.

     "Um, no not really since Commander Erwin says it can be dangerous," I scratched the back of my head awkwardly. 

Shit, this was embarrassing I should've just went with it and used real weapons. 

     "Figures, that old man is growing more gentle by the second which doesn't make sense since he treated me like dog shit on the first day," He shook his head. "Whatever, nothing you younger kids will understand or even endure."

     "Oh?" I clutched the blade in my hand circling him as well. "You think I'm that young? Like a child? Like your squad? I don't think you should disrespect Commander Erwin like that as well he works pretty hard."

     "He does," Levi agreed. "But- HEY!"

I quickly charged at him with the blade, a smirk on my face as he didn't expect me to start training. I didn't even know what he planned to train me at but I thought maybe I'd get an advantage for myself. I wanted to bend the rules.

     "Did I say we could start?" He firmly held my hand with the blade. 

      "No, thought I'd at least try." I shrugged before I kicked behind his knee causing him to weaken and I ripped my hand away. 

     "Clumsy attacks with no plan or tactics can get yourself killed," He took off his gloves. "Thought you'd know something so simple as that."

     "I do," I nodded. "But this is way more fun."

     "Fun?" Levi scoffed. "Training isn't supposed to be fun!"

     "Says you," I rolled my eyes and pointed the blade at him. "You gave me the knife, I'd like to think I'd have more fun then just being tossed around like a clueless soldier."

     "Yeah?" He lunged forward trying to take my blade but I leaned back quickly. "You're actually surprisingly fast."

     "I wouldn't want to be titan meat." I snorted spinning around and kicking out my leg but he swiftly moved past me and pushed me to the floor.

I held myself up from hitting the floor and flipped around lunging up at him and bringing him to the floor. I ended up straddling him trying to plunge the blade next to his face but his hand held me back and I saw our hands shaking together.

     "Taking the top is an advantage," He stared at me. "But you need the strength in order to plunge that blade into anything, that's what you need to work on."

He somehow twisted the blade and it flipped to point to me and he started pushing his arms more, my heart was pumping crazy I didn't want to get stabbed and I didn't trust him enough to not stab me. Would he stab me? He wouldn't. He would? To teach me a lesson? 

I was pushed to the floor and he was straddling me instead with the blade aimed at me I tried to block it from touching my eye.

     "I am not." I started putting my full force to keep that blade from touching me. "Weak." I let go fully for a second causing Levi to widen his eyes, I placed back the force and went harder to push him off.

I still had my ODM gear on and I quickly take the blades out in both hands next to his ear on opposite sides, "I'm stronger than you think I know a lot of soldiers still fear me and those who don't just underestimate me. You're apart of the second group." 

He breathed out with his hands out to signal he was tapping out.

I lifted the blades and place them back in my belt offering my hand to help him up. Like a prick, he rolled his eyes and took my hand standing up. 

     "Don't offer again, it looks bad." He grumbled and dusted himself off.

     "What looks bad?" I snorted.

     "You helping me-"

     "Levi." I stood in front of him staring into his eyes reassuring him. "It's okay to accept help. It's okay to not always be the best, no one is going to doubt your skills." 

He shook his head and murmured a few things turning around to stare at the ground, a hand flew to the back of his neck to rub in a back and forth motion.  He was thinking. He was deeply in his thoughts and I felt a wave of worry hit me, I hope I didn't say something I shouldn't have. Maybe that was too much? I can't just bring this topic to him in public. I can't seem to shut my mouth when I get into defense mood. 

Ugh.

     "I'm sorry," I apologized and stood next to him. "I shouldn't have tried to pry I just- Again- I don't like the way you talk to me sometimes, I cannot allow myself to let people to talk to me that way ever." 

* * * 

     "Move it!" I was pushed to the side and my stand fell off, all my products on the floor. 

     "Fuck You!" I cursed at the guy who caused my products to fall, no one had right manners here and I was tired of putting up with it.

A punch flew to my face and that night I came home to Armin with bruises on my face and arms. 

     "Are you okay?" Armin looked at me worried as he rushed to me, I placed my things down and he helps me to the kitchen table. "I tried making us food- It's a little burnt but-"

     "I'm fine Armin, just fell over the table and a few things fell on me." I chuckled and lifted my lips into a small smile. I don't want him to worry about me, he shouldn't worry and I hope he never does because it'll ruin him. What I experience everyday will worry him. He already has a lot going on when he goes outside with his friends. "I'm sorry for coming home late I didn't mean to, I should've cooked for us you shouldn't have to."

     "It's fine, Athena." He smiled. "I don't mind I just want to learn how to cook."

     "One day you'll learn, I promise." I snorted. "But let me take care of you for now, you're only 10 years old." 

     "And you're only 15! I can help you." He frowned. "Please?" 

     "Armin, one day you'll protect me I promise." I caress his face. "Let me get you there though, okay? You won't get to that point if you're dead before it." 

He crossed his arms with a pout but he ended up nodding his head. He was a good kid, he was better than me and definitely more innocent.

I had 3 jobs including my small business I was trying out, I wanted to invent or make things like our parents did. I could barely remember them as they passed when I was much younger than this. I work at a bakery, I made dresses in my small business and I work at a tea shop. It's very hard to barely have any free time to spend with my brother but this was all I had. I needed to help us survive. 

Everyday, it was everyday that at least one guy would make fun of my dress designs and I was honestly starting to feel embarrassed. Out of the people born in the walls why was I living in the walls selling dresses that only those with a huge sum of money could purchase. 

It's not like I was selling them at a high price but it didn't seem like people around here care for looking nice around town. My business never took off, I felt so disappointed to not have a mind like my parents.

I thought that if I could invent stuff like them or have my own business like they did to help those around them, maybe that could be a good way to show them that I still think about them. People loved the shit my parents would make, but no one cared about the shit I put out and it pisses me off. Why wasn't I a better designer? No one else does what I do here and I think other people similar to me that do what I do are located inside the castle or closer to the castle. I was weak.

     "Watch out for that little rat that comes around here once and a while taking the bread," Mr. Vicenza warned. "I'm tired of that boy, if he worked as hard he worked to steal I bet he'd have enough money to purchase."

     "Got it," I nodded as he went to the back room to take his break. 

I was placing the bread from the trays into the glass case to display to people, after that I started to sweep the store because even if there were no customers that was still a time I could be cleaning up and making the store look nice.

I was sweeping halfway towards the entrance before that boy came in, the one I was supposed to look out for. He had long hair down to his shoulders and his body looked so weak and fragile I felt so sad looking at him. That could be Armin if I didn't work hard enough. The boy looked quite familiar though I couldn't place my finger on it.

He made eye contact with me and I noticed how pretty his eyes were, grey and filled with sadness. He was in pain. He knew I would catch him so he slowly turned away,

     "Wait," I called out lowly so that Mr. Vicenza couldn't hear me. "Here." I passed the boy a load of bread. "Don't get caught, try to get a job please?"

He only stared at me with the bread in his hand, he seemed frozen in time before nodding and leaving the bakery. 

That day I was yelled at, I knew I shouldn't have done it and there's a lot of people out there with mouths to feed but I just wanted to get to know the boy. But the boy didn't come again, he stopped coming and I guess I cleared up the problem but I was never thanked for it.

Mr. Vicenza hit me, he would purposely burn me as well if I was too friendly with the customers or I didn't make a sale. He was fuming when he found out I had given that bread to the boy, I wasn't allowed in the front anymore and he had a guy take over. It was my fault, so I took the beating for it. After getting beaten I thought I needed a life better than this, I wanted to support Armin and I wanted to get married someday. Stupid thoughts for a teenager I know, I just wanted to be happy. I wanted to fill that empty void in my heart. 

     "Join us at boot camp?" I read the flyer pasted on the board of the bakery. "Military police, Garrison, Scouts. Protect humanity." I furrowed my eyebrows but soon I was informed.

     "You don't want to end up there, that's a job for men." Mr. Vicenza snickered as he was kneading the dough. "You have no place in there don't even think about it, you have to be strong and have a strong mind which you obviously don't have." 

I stood quiet still staring at the paper ignoring his comments.

I needed to enlist.

But what about Armin? Who would take care of him? 

A year had passed and he was now 11, I had to teach him how to take care of himself then. Then I can leave. If I join the scouts the pay could be great! I could support Armin and he can live a peaceful life here! He wouldn't have to worry about working hard like I did and he can live a better childhood than what I had!

Yeah!

Let's do this!

* * *

My biggest fear had happened. Wall Maria collapsed when I was I was training. That's when I was sent out to look at the damage and I saw how bad it was. I heard from Armin how Eren's mom died and that's when all four of those kids decided to join boot camp and become a scout. 

I didn't care that day, I didn't care if I broke the rules to see my brother. I wanted myself dead if he didn't make it. But he was saved and that's all I could ever ask for. 

It was good. 

We were good.