New Year. One of the absolutely worst days of the year.

Everyone always had so high hopes for the day. An epic party followed by the new year, which brought new possibilities. The old was behind you, and you could just focus on having a better year than the last one.

That never was the case. It certainly never had been for me.

Every year was the same. The whole village was at a standstill. Nothing new happened. No moving forwards.

Airlia and Ethan hosted a New Year's party at the café. Definitely all Airlia's idea that Ethan had just gone with as the dutiful and indulging boyfriend he was. I doubted he'd ever be able to say no to Airlia. Not that anyone ever was successful in that. Even if someone tried, they'd soon find themselves convinced otherwise.

The Christmas decorations were gone from the café. A mix of gold, silver, and black balloons littered the ceiling. Golden curtains covered all doors. The counter and fridge were filled with alcohol instead of the usual baked goods and sodas. They had another table for some pastries and such. Airlia had begged me to make some snacks too, and naturally I hadn't said no to her.

As the evening progressed, I wished I was at home and in bed. Parties had never been something I enjoyed. I'd always attend though, and every time I tried to enjoy myself. I really did. But I couldn't.

I always just found something which was wrong. The music was too loud. Or the floor too sticky. Or someone had said something half-daft, and then I blamed them for having ruined my mood.

And every single party, I'd torture myself by watching Alasdair flirt and dance with Flora.

I bet now that Gloria and Ester had settled their bet about if I would marry Airlia, they'd next bet on if Alasdair would marry Flora.

They made for a nice couple, and I could see why he enjoyed her company. Objectively, she was pretty and generally had an alright personality. She was the priest's daughter, so her family had a good standing in the village. Of course, that also meant she wasn't allowed to have any relationship before marriage, and certainly not with Alasdair Bailey. He was not proper enough for the priest's daughter with a deadbeat dad who had disappeared to do god knew what.

"Dad says he joined a cult," Flora had said right after Alasdair's and Airlia's dad had disappeared. "He says the whole family worships the Devil."

I bet the fact that Alasdair was someone her father wouldn't approve of was a big contributing factor to why she was interested in him. Being the priest's daughter came with a lot of perks, but also many limitations. All in all, a recipe for a rebellious child.

I stood to the side with Ethan. He was quite obviously feeling out of place at the party like me. Difference though was he had perfectly good reasons for it. We were a tightly knitted community, a difficult group to gain footing in. He'd likely never feel like he truly belonged in this village. That was just how it was. If you hadn't grown up here, you'd always be an outsider.

So he had a perfectly good reason to avoid the centre of attention, while I just had the ridiculous reason of being moodier than a hormonal teenager.

I didn't mind it, though. Honestly, I rather talked to Ethan than the rest of them. He was smart and well-educated without becoming snobby because of it. He just had a curious nature, which also meant he actually paid attention to what others said. Seemed to treat every moment as an opportunity to learn more.

That meant he listened and even asked questions as I walked him through the recipes for my favourite finger foods to make. Food and drinks were easy topics and ones which could make me forget about time.

I was slightly jealous of Ethan. He was, in some ways, living my dream. I had been nine when I had first decided I wanted to one day own a restaurant. But I was nowhere closer to that dream now than I was then. Just older and more bitter and well aware that dream would always just be a dream.

"Hey, we're playin' a game. Come join." Alasdair grabbed hold of my arm. His eyes were brighter than the brightest star. The only thing I needed at night to guide me home if I'd ever get lost.

"What game?" I asked. An unnecessary question. It wasn't like that would make me change my mind.

"Never have I ever!"

I groaned internally. You'd think a group of people who grow up together would eventually get bored with playing that game. It wasn't like there was anything we didn't know about one another. But every single goddamn party, it was the same.

"Ethan hasn't played with us. He hasn't heard the stories. Because you'll play with us, right?" Alasdair said, his dialect smoothing out as he addressed Ethan. It was adorable and especially because I doubted Alasdair was aware of it at all. His way of speaking changed quite some depending on who he spoke to. Both he and Airlia had mild dialects compared to the rest of us, courtesy of their London-born father. But Alasdair would change the way he spoke to match the one he spoke to.

Adorable, but also such a clear sign of his uncertainty.

"Yeah, I'll play," Ethan answered, though I had a feeling it was the last thing he wanted.

And so we played. Ethan was a breath of fresh air to the game. Though he was as proper as he seemed and didn't have any very thrilling tales to tell.

The usual "never have I ever kissed someone here" came, and as per usual, everyone drank, causing giggles and laughter.

"Never have I ever had sex with someone present," Hannah said next.

That was new. We'd always before stopped at kissing. To no one's surprise, Ethan and Airlia drank. But half a second after they had, Alasdair and Flora drank as well.

Lewis and Hannah laughed, obviously having already known about it.

I looked towards a window and felt Airlia's eyes drilling a hole into me.

I wasn't surprised. It had always seemed like just a matter of time. But my mouth felt parched, tasted of ashes. I barely felt my heart anymore, and the pain in my chest spread to the rest of my body.

I wasn't sure what was the worst. That Alasdair hadn't told me himself. Or that it had to have been her of all people.

Working at the bar, I heard many private conversations. It was sometimes ridiculous how people forgot about the people working in establishments when having hushed conversations.

"Do ye actually like him?" Hannah had asked Flora just a few months ago.

"He is smart an' good-lookin'. A bit of a brat sometimes though, an' have ye ever thought about how sensitive he is? I made a joke the other day about how he was lucky his father had run away, an' I swear he almost started cryin'. Not to mention how codependent he an' Airlia is. But compared to the rest, he's quite alright."

Is she really the type of person ye wanna be with?

I waited two rounds before excusing myself. I went outside and sat on a bench a bit down the road. Ethan soon appeared and sat down next to me. I extended my pack of smokes to him, but he shook his head. Of course, he was a good boy who didn't smoke.

"Did Airlia send ye out?" I asked when Ethan didn't say anything about why he had joined me.

"Well, not exactly. She just looked concerned enough I thought I'd check on you."

They had exactly what I wanted with Alasdair. So in tune with the other, they didn't even need to speak to know what the other wanted. But Alasdair would get that with bloody Flora Watkins instead.

"I'm not really good at comforting words," Ethan went on. "But I find just knowing someone is looking out for you can help."

It did, but not much. If only it had been Alasdair coming out after worrying where I'd gone.

I lit another cigarette. "Go inside. I just need a minute."

Thankfully, Ethan did as I had asked and left me be.

When I had finished my cigarette, I looked at my watch. Just a few measly minutes left until midnight. I could go inside and count down with the rest. Then wish a happy new year before disappearing.

But I had absolutely no desire to go back inside. Alasdair would likely kiss Flora at midnight, an unintentional punch to my gut, and I wasn't sure I could handle watching that. Not right then and there. Not while everything inside of me screamed to storm back inside, take hold of him, and kiss him in front of everyone. Stake my claim. Show for all I was the one he was supposed to be with.

And then bring him back home. Get to celebrate the new year with him in my arms. Wake up for the first time during the new year with him right next to me.

A stupid fantasy, which would never come true.

"There ye are," Alasdair said from the café door. "Why ye disappear like that?"

"Just needed air," I answered and pulled yet another cigarette from my pack.

"It's just like a minute until midnight. Ye should come inside," Alasdair went on and walked over to me.

"Not feelin' well. But ye go back in."

Alasdair sat down next to me. Pulled his own pack out and extracted a stick.

"Had too much to drink?" he laughed.

"Somethin' like that," I shrugged.

Shouts of counting down came from the café.

"Hurry back inside." I shoved him lightly, but he remained next to me.

"Na, rather be with ye," he answered, just as shouts of Happy New Year came from inside. "Happy New Year, Errol."

If only it could actually be a happy new year. If only I could believe this year would bring change with it. But why would it when all years before had been the same? Over and over and over.

"Happy New Year, Alasdair," I told him and tensed myself to not follow through with my impulse to kiss him. 

Really, it was an unhappy new year, like every year was. But Alasdair didn't need to know things like that. As long as he was happy, my suffering was worth it. The ache in my chest didn't matter as long as he was smiling. Right?