After Valentine's Day, Alasdair was back to his usual happy self, and I swallowed all my pain to be around him again. When we had woken up the next day, we hadn't talked at all about what had been said during the night. I had just made us breakfast and then we had talked about everything and nothing.

It had felt like normal, and normal I could live with.

But the thing was, I knew it wasn't like normal. As long as it was just me and Alasdair, I could pretend, but eventually I'd see him with Flora again and it held the power to break me yet again.

So though I usually took the day off on my birthday, I didn't. It was a small thing, but it was a way to avoid him. Or rather, to avoid a day I knew I would spend being happy with him. A happiness my mind would later weaponize as a way to tell me how stupid I was for getting my hopes up yet again.

I had the opening shift, which meant I started at ten with setting things up, then the pub opened at eleven, and I would clock out when the dinner rush was over.

My plan of using it to avoid spending time with Alasdair didn't, however, work.

As soon as I flipped the sign to open, he burst through the door.

"Happy birthday!" he exclaimed and flung his arms around me.

"What ye doin' here?" I asked and staggered a bit due to the sudden hug-attack.

"Well," he pulled away to look at me, "it's yer birthday, an' even if ye have to work, I'm still gonna celebrate it with ye."

His words and sentiment warmed me. It was a sun shining in my heart. But the sun was quickly overshadowed by clouds. Flora's birthday was coming up. He'd likely do something similar for her. He'd probably do more for her. I wasn't anything special.

"Ye should go home. I'll just be workin'," I told him and turned to walk behind the bar.

"It's a Tuesday. It's always slow on Tuesdays. So ye'll be bored an' need company," he replied and followed me. Sat down by the bar with his whole being smiling.

I knew I was being stupid as I smiled back. Knew my happiness would come back to bite me in the arse.

But I reached my hand out and ruffled his hair.

"Why ye always do that? Like I'm a child," he complained, but nothing about him said he had minded it one bit.

"Because ye're as adorable as one," I answered him and ruffled his hair some more.

He tried to pout, but it quickly turned into a laugh instead.

That laugh was everything to me. So beautiful and full of life. The type of laugh I could think about when feeling down to bring myself back up.

"We'll go to the café when ye're off. If that's alright with ye," Alasdair continued to reveal his plans for the day. "Airlia an' Ethan have baked ye a cake."

"That's all alright."

"I got a present there for ye as well, but I got one I wanna give ye now."

His cheeks turned red as he pulled a rather flat present in the shape of a square out of his pocket. I reached out and took it, began opening it.

"Airlia did the pictures, obviously. An'... I'm gonna go hide in the bathroom for like fifteen minutes now."

Then he left just as I got the wrapping paper completely off.

It was a tiny, handmade book of a story he had titled "Errol the Superhero". In Alasdair's handwriting, and with a few pictures accompanying the text, it told of something I hadn't even known Alasdair had been aware of.

It had happened about two months after their father had disappeared. During a Sunday school lesson, before both the priest and Alasdair and Airlia had arrived, a laddie my age had talked crap about Alasdair and Airlia. It had been the usual from back then. The devil-worshipping and how they were the spawn of Satan and whatnot. I had heard enough of that by then and had told the laddie to stop it, that he didn't know what he was talking about.

"I'll never stop!" the laddie had shouted. "Not until they are thrown out of the village."

The laddie had been a head taller than me, but that hadn't stopped me as I had punched him. He had tried to defend himself, had tried to hit back. But I had been beating him while yelling at him to take it back. The priest had needed to call for help to get me off the other laddie, after which he had sent me home.

I had never told Alasdair and Airlia about it. But from the story, they had arrived while the laddie had been talking shit about them, and then had watched from behind a door as I had jumped him.

In the story, Alasdair made that impulsive protective act into something heroic.

By the time I finished reading, I had to take deep breaths to not start crying.

Maybe I would never get to have him the way I wanted, but reading the story, I knew without a doubt that I mattered to him. Probably more than I sometimes thought. And I felt fine with that. I could be his protector.

As Alasdair exited the bathroom, I was the one to hug him. The tears I had been fighting came to the surface again.

"Thank ye," I told him. And those two words were enough to cause my dam to break. I couldn't hold back any of the tears. Not the ones caused by how much the present meant to me, by how much I had needed that reassurance. Not the ones caused by the happiness of that he was there, that he wanted to keep me company for my birthday. And not the ones caused by the pain of loving him, the pain which by now felt like a part of my identity.

"I know ye don't wanna tell me what's wrong," Alasdair said when my tears had lessened. "But do know, I'll listen whenever ye want to. An' if ye aren't tellin' me cos ye're afraid to for some reason, please trust in how much ye matter to me."

I let go of the hug to look at him. With the fabric of his shirt, he dried under my eyes while giving me a soft smile.

"I know I've been in a foul mood lately," I mumbled and looked down to the floor. "I'm sorry about that."

"It's okay. No one can be happy all the time."

I looked back up. He watched me with a gentleness which felt foreign on his face. He was always mine to care for and protect. It had to be the first time it felt as though he was there to care for and protect me. As if he would carry me if I crumbled and not the other way around.

Could I crumble, though? Could I tell him exactly what was on my mind? Confess how much I wanted to kiss him and feel his skin against mine?

My heart was beating like a hammer in my chest, and my mouth went dry while my palms became sweaty.

"Thank ye, Alasdair. For everythin'," I told him.

I couldn't tell him the truth. Everything was fine. We were in an okay state. If I told him, I'd rock the calm. It would be like throwing a stone into still water. Ripples would follow. And at that moment, I was too afraid of those ripples. Too afraid they would prove his earlier words wrong. That it would become a deal breaker for our friendship.

The door to the pub opened, and we jumped away from one another. I wiped under my eyes to make sure there were no signs of my tears, before turning to see who had walked in.

I groaned internally.

Gloria and Ester.

"Ye here to keep the birthday laddie company?" Gloria asked Alasdair as we all made our way to the bar.

"'Course!" Alasdair answered and sent me a smile worthy of the butterflies it caused.

"That's good. No one should be alone on their birthday," Ester agreed.

"What can I get ye?" I asked them when I was settled behind the counter.

"Whisky, what else?" Gloria giggled.

"We got a new one last week," I told them as I turned and moved the bottle from the shelf. "It's a Japanese whisky. The distillery is called Nikka."

"Japanese whisky? They know how to make whisky? Well, we just have to try that."

I poured them a glass each. Both took a sip and exclaimed over how it was their new favourite. Then they filled the bar with their chatter. They told us about stories from their youths, stories not a single person in the village hadn't heard at least a dozen times. Me and Alasdair gave them the reactions they wanted while throwing each other amused looks over their way of being.

After their fourth whisky, Ester turned to Alasdair.

"Ye've been awfully sweet on Flora lately," she pointed out. "Do I hear weddin' bells in the future?"

It had been easy and joyful since their arrival. Their stories were amusing even the fifteenth time you heard it, and me and Alasdair had been in synch the whole time through.

But that comment, that question.

Everything crashed in me again. Everything happy became bitterness. Sure, Alasdair cared about me. But Flora was the one he was with. Flora was the one he might marry in the future. I was just at the side, never his centre. Never. Never. Never.

I would spend the rest of my life dreaming of him, but only ever dreaming. Bittersweet. Shameful. Disgusting.

And just like that, the story he had written didn't even make me happy anymore.

He viewed me as a protector, as his superhero. Meanwhile, my mind would spin tales of what could have happened, but never would have happened today, when I was alone at home again. It would fantasise that I had told him the truth, and that he had accepted it. More than accepted it. In my fantasy, he would tell me he felt the same way about me. And then we would kiss. And then more. And I knew I would jerk off to that fantasy.

I wasn't his protector. Definitely not his superhero. I was someone he needed protection from.

"We made a bet again," Gloria said next to me. Alasdair and Ester were talking. Or rather, Ester was telling Alasdair how he needed to seal the deal with Flora quickly or someone else would swoop in. "Me an' Ester made a bet about if Alasdair will marry Flora."

I snorted and scoffed, "An' Ester bet he will?"

"Oh, yes. No matter how I tried to dissuade her from makin' the bet, she insisted on it."

I looked away from where Alasdair was attempting to stop Ester from giving him wedding night advice, to instead watch Gloria. Her eyes were on Ester and they were filled with an ache I was all too familiar with as it mirrored the ache I felt when I looked at Alasdair.

And watching her, it felt as if I saw the old lady for the first time. Saw who she was beyond being the gossiper of the village.

"Why did ye try to dissuade her?" I asked.

Gloria's eyes left Ester as she looked at me with a slightly tilted head. "For the same reason, I knew perfectly well ye'd never marry Airlia. An' cos I do believe ye'll have a happier endin' than me. Times have changed a lot, after all."

I moved my hand to rest over hers, and for that moment I felt seen in a way I wasn't sure I had ever felt before. Completely bared naked by the village gossiper. And quietly we shared our common pain.

"It's never too late, ye know," I told her. "Ye might still get yer happy endin'."

She smiled at me, and some of her ache dimmed. "Ye're a sweet laddie. But I think that has all passed for me. But ye got yer whole life ahead of ye. An' even if it isn't with him, ye can seek yer happiness elsewhere." She moved the hand mine rested on so she could squeeze mine lightly. "Oh, an' don't worry. Yer secret is safe with me," she added before freeing Alasdair from Ester's rambles and bidding us farewell.

"I never wanna hear her talk about sex again," Alasdair said when they had left, and shuddered theatrically.

I smiled at him.

"What did ye an' Gloria talk about?" he asked next.

"She was just sharin' again about how Willow was caught cheatin'," I lied while my mind mulled over what Gloria had said. Especially two parts of it.

Times have changed a lot after all.

Ye can seek yer happiness elsewhere.

She was right. Though I felt certain I would never be accepted as a homosexual in this small village, there were plenty of places I would be. I could do what I had thought of doing for a long time. I could move to Edinburgh. Seek my happiness there.

But then I looked at Alasdair and felt certain that any happiness I could find in Edinburgh wouldn't feel like happiness because he wouldn't be the one I shared it with. So I really had two options. Stay and live off the crumbs of happiness I got from Alasdair while also being in constant pain. Or move and try to find happiness elsewhere, though that happiness would never be complete.