Tw/ something very similar to a panic attack

It was the day of the funeral.

For regular people it was just normal Wednesday, but for her, it was funeral.

Bambi was standing in front of her mirror for thirty minutes now, staring at her outfit. She couldn't put a finger on it. It didn't feel right, it didn't feel real. Her hair was in two loose dutch braids, some strands of hair falling out, making it look a little bit messy, but not too messy. She didn't want to put on a dress, because, dresses are lovely and nice and this occasion wasn't anywhere near those words. She still felt like it wasn't happening.

She wore black soft blouse and black tight jeans- the only black jeans that weren't torn in her closet. She never wears heels, so she didn't now as well. She put on plain black shoes.

She didn't have any will to do her best. She looked plain and simple, and she didn't care. She didn't bother to put makeup on, nor hide awful black bags under her eyes. She cried only once and it was almost two weeks ago on Friday, when her friends visited. It was weird and no one even expected her to cry, but the moment she read the title of the book something inside of her shifted, like it was her breaking point. She read that book long time ago and then she gave it to Parker. When she received it again, it was like a slap across the face saying 'this shit is real'.

She inhaled deeply, closing her eyes shut. Few nights before she heard her parents silently talking in their room in the middle of the night, something about sending her to psychologist, already seeing this didn't go off a good start.

The only thing she was able to do was to run. And she did.

She didn't even feel her legs moving when she dashed out of her home. The November breeze hit her across her face and a shiver went down her spine since she was in the clothes from yesterday without any jacket on. She ran across the street and didn't stop. She couldn't hear her father yelling and running after her, calling out her name. No, she wasn't able to hear anything. She didn't hear the cars that drove past her or  people chattering about their usual themes. She wished to be them, because in that exact moment they weren't feeling what she was feeling. They didn't know what was happening in her life. All they could see was a teenage girl running and not stopping. Maybe they thought she was rushing to school or she ran to catch bus.

But she was running to run away. Not from home, not from her parents, not from school nor her teenage responsibilities. She was trying to run away from reality. She didn't even know herself, she didn't even process where she was running.

She didn't know how long was she running. Normally she would be surprised she even willingly ran after all. How far was she from home? Where she was going? She didn't know. She didn't feel her legs, they felt numb. She wasn't even sure if they were still moving. Her muscles were probably burning that hard she stopped feeling them.

The only thing she was aware of was her fast and loud breathing. She could feel her chest rapidly going up and down. She was aware of her inhaling being longer and deeper than exhaling that was extremely short. She felt her heartbeat in her throat and the side of her body hurt. She could feel sweat dripping down her neck, and she was tired. So tired.

But she kept running. And never stopped.

Her train of thought was interrupted by a light knock on the door. Her head snapped back to the direction of the sound where her mother stood at the door frame. She wasn't attending funeral. Well, none of her parents were. She didn't want them there, she didn't want them to see her go through that. Surprisingly they respected her decision. First she had to go school and be there for at least few periods and then her father would pick her up and drive her all the way out of town, but during the funeral, he had to stay in the car. Maybe it was shitty thing to do, but after big argument, Bambi won.

"I guess." She shrugged in response, bending over to pick up her backpack from the floor. Her mother gave her a gentle smile as she followed her down the stairs.

"The bus is here."

"Okay. Bye." Was all Bambi said as she opened the front door of the house. She didn't even eat anything, feeling like she would just vomit it.

It felt weird behaving like this. Usually she would give her mother a kiss, she would be running out of the house in excitement, she would laugh at her father's dad jokes during breakfast. Now, the atmosphere in the entire house shifted like one of those villain's bombs fell on it.

Trying not too look too sad, she got on the well familiar yellow school bus. She ignored the stares of her peers before she sat down next to also well familiar dark skinned girl. Gwen smiled at her, but that smiled looked full of pity and sadness. Bambi hated it.

"Hey. How you doing?" The other girl asked her after she put her phone down, turning her whole attention to her best friend, who just shrugged in response. Gwen hated seeing her like this. Everyone was used to seeing her cheery and full of energy. This wasn't her. Bambi she knew wasn't there in that bus, and she knew it only because of her eyes- the usual brown eyes full of warmth and jubilation were now... empty, staring off somewhere at the distance. It broke her heart. "There's a party this weekend... I know you're not in the mood and I will understand if you say no, but I think it might be good for you."

Bambi never got drunk to the vomiting and not remembering anything point. Considering the situation, she might as well do that now. Don't get her wrong- she didn't decide to go to the party to... party and have fun, but to forget. Forget all of this.

"Okay. I'll go."

"Wait, for real?" The girl beside her seemed shocked. Her eyes widened and the corners of her dark lips turned upwards.

"Yeah." After all, it would make Gwen happy, and her other friends probably too. That's who Bambi Moody was- always making sure every single person around her is happy, but never really asks herself if she is happy. Not as if it mattered at this moment.

Not even ten minutes later, Bambi was entering school. "Where are MJ and Harry?"

Now this was alarming to her friend. Bambi always said how she hated calling Mary Jane 'MJ' because, well...

"Mary Jane is a beautiful name." Bambi stated once when they were at Harry's house- or more like, Harry's mason. That kid was unbelievably rich Bambi felt guilty even being in there. "And it's her full name after all. Calling her MJ is the laziest shit ever because MJ sounds like a rapper or a stripper name and lame while Mary Jane sounds sweet and pretty. When you say that name out loud, it's like you say out loud her beautiful personality- every single little great and sweet thing our friend is."

"That doesn't even make sense." Gwen laughed.

"Um... I think they went to get coffee first. They won't be late though." She explained quickly.

Harry didn't know how to handle a person grieving. He could be there for the girl, hug her and hold her close, but when it comes to verbal comfort, he had no clue how to do it. He didn't know how to be himself, constantly feeling like being himself would hurt the girl. Him and Mary Jane weirdly started to hang out more. Bambi wondered if they would finally get together.

The school was... something.

Many people approached the girl, saying they were sorry for her loss. Why so many people knew about it was a weird thing. Bambi wasn't exactly popular, and not many people knew Mason.

Each time a person approached her, she felt worse. It was like there was a person standing behind her back and each time she would hear those four painful words, that person would stab her in the back with a knife. It wouldn't send a message like "betrayal" way, but more like 'he is dead'.

She did her best to be herself though, even if it was not working. She was tired of pretending, tired of this bullshit. Through her teenage years, she read, watched movies and series a lot. In those fictional world, when someone dies, it doesn't look like it affected them that much. I mean, sure, they cried for few days and shit, but what Bambi was feeling was lasting for two weeks, and she felt like she won't stop feeling like that anytime soon. Numb and heavy. She couldn't feel a thing except pure confusion. Darcy's friend who is psychologist said it was shock. And truly, the girl still didn't believe Mason Carter was gone. She felt like there's a weight at her heart, constantly pulling it down to the pit of her stomach. Her insides hurt.

"Hi Bambi... um..." some random girl Bambi didn't even know approached when the girl was standing in front of her locker, pulling her books out. "I'm sorry for your—"

That sent the brown haired girl to the edge. Loudly, she slammed the locker hardest she could and for the first time in weeks, she felt something new- anger. It was boiling up inside of her like venom and fire, making her body shake. The impact the metal against metal made was so hard that suddenly, everything went quiet for a second. The not known girl just stood there with eyes wide in shock and maybe fear.

"I'm tired of that bullshit. Fuck off."

Probably everyone in kilometre radius had their jaws dropped down from the utter shock. Bambi Moody. The cheerful girl, never with intentions to purposely hurt anyone- snapping at somebody so harshly.

"I'm sorry— I... I just—" the girl began, stuttering and her cheeks reddening from embarrassment and shock, but was again interrupted by other girl.

"No! Shut up!" She yelled before turning on her heel and storming away, everyone in the hallway jumping out of her way. By the time she reached the bathroom, the bell already rung through the halls, but she couldn't care less. Instead, she just stared at her image in the mirror while gripping at the sink, her fingertips turning white.

"Bam?" She heard her best friend softly calling out her name.

"Go to the class Gwen." The shorter girl said in a low voice, her eyes still glued to the person in the mirror. Who was that? They looked like they didn't sleep for days, weeks maybe. Their eyes were dark and face was pale.

Never has she ever thought it would come to this. That she would be like this. Even when her grandparents died, she was still Bambi Moody- a girl that wouldn't dare to hurt a fly. Girl that was shining like a sun of happiness, girl that always gave too much snd expected nothing in return. Girl that would pretend everything was fantastic and girl who had 'perfect' life.

She would never like to admit it, but it truly did destroy her when her grandparents died. It wasn't fair how they died. They were good people and they were about to spend decades with Bambi. They were like her second parents.

Gwen didn't dare to say anything more. Instead, she slowly took steps towards her friend as if she was wild animal and pulled her in a warm hug. Brunette didn't even have energy to protest as she just stood there, relaxing just a bit. She put her head in the dark skinned girl's crook of the neck, and bit her own bottom lip. Hard. She felt her friend put her hand on her head, softly rubbing in circles.

"I have to get my shit together." Bambi whispered .

"No no," the other girl shook her head as she let go of her friend,"Bambi losing a close friend is hard. No one expects from you to magically be yourself again." She said as she was holding her arms.

"It's not fair."

"I know."

"I've never done shit to other people. I have always been kind, I always did my best to make everyone happy." The girl continued in an angry tone of her voice. "Why is this my reward?"

"Life is like that, Bambi. But everything pays back, so I know one day life will treat you the same you treat it. I promise."

Shortly after, they both returned to their classes and separated. Taking a deep breath, Bambi knocked on the door of her classroom and entered after hearing muffled 'come in'.
There stood her favourite professor- Mrs. Wilson, with arms crossed and disappointed look on her face Bambi never thought she would see directed at her- her favourite student.  She quickly glanced over the class. So many people stared at her, expecting something. It looked like all of them were silently thinking- is that girl alright, and it bothered Bambi so much she wanted to turn around and leave.

"Sorry I'm late. I was at the bathroom." She said with the most uninterested expression on her face. The way she talked and held herself made her professor flinch.

"Do not let it happen again." Professor fired back with the same tone in her voice before shifting her gaze to something or someone else.

Bambi huffed before walking towards the empty seat, feeling the eyes following her as she did so. Why was everyone so suddenly interested in her well-being, why was everyone even focused on her. Why didn't they mind their own fucking business? Those were the typical questions repeating over and over in the girl's head as she sat down, trying to keep her head low as possible.

She ran. It didn't matter where or for how long, the only thing she knew that she was running. She felt dizzy and breathing was suddenly hard to do. She felt like her head was held underwater and she was struggling to free herself, trashing her body around and screaming, but only bubbles coming out of her mouth, her lungs filling with that colourless liquid.

She couldn't process the fact she was still running, her legs still working, until they gave up. Harshly, she fell on her knees before the pain shot up in her legs from the impact with the hard and cold ground. She set her palms on the ground, not even being able to feel the coldness of it. She was seeing stars snd fireworks in front of her eyes as her mind was spinning in circles. Everything was happening so slow she didn't even know it happening in the first place.

She still felt her chest going up and down, but this time it was deeper and harder. It felt like there was a body builder with his heavy and muscular arms around her waist, squashing her insides. Her vision was getting darker and sound quieter, as if she was underwater.

She tried to inhale, but there was nothing to breathe in. Only thing she could do was to gasp all over again, trying to breathe like fish out of water. She felt like she didn't have lungs, because in that moment, they weren't even working properly.

It felt like it was a panic attack.

Only, it wasn't.

It was her asthma. And she couldn't breathe.

"Peter." She whispered quietly at the boy who sat in front of her. He wore his probably favourite blue sweatshirt and jeans, he looked pretty neat. The brown haired boy was surprised at the girl calling his name and he turned around with eyebrows furrowed. They didn't talk for weeks. Bambi found herself being amused at how ironic this was. She remembered the day she was comforting this same boy about his uncle's death as if it was yesterday. It didn't feel real how situation changed.

"Um... thank you. For the book."

This made Peter's corners of his mouth curve upwards a bit, giving her little smile. It wasn't jubilation kind of smile that was showing off his teeth, nor it was smile out of pity. It was real, genuine smile that you could describe in colours and words you usually can't describe a simple smile with.

Yellow and orange.

Soft like thousands of hugs.

Warm like fireplace at her grandparents' wooden house.

Safe. Understanding. Lovable.

"It's no problem." He answered with a little nod, then turned around instantly, catching up with the lesson as if the conversation between the two didn't even happen.

Bambi Moody felt something inside of her shift. The boy didn't say he was sorry for his loss. The boy didn't ask how she was. The boy didn't offer his help, the boy didn't say things would be alright. And it made her... satisfied. She wasn't bombarded with thousands of questions even though they didn't talk for such a long time, he wasn't showing his pity, even though Bambi knew deep down he felt it. But she was so glad he didn't.

Peter Parker, after all, understood her.

***

"Mason Carter was truly an amazing person." A guy said, his voice cracking a little. Everyone stood in complete silence as overwhelming silence sat in the air. It wasn't raining like in all those movies, making it look so depressing. Bambi Moody never understood why there was need for that effect in so many movies, shows and books. You didn't need to add rain for "sadder effect". Funerals are depressing as they are. People, who knew the person that passed away, crying or looking their worst, person's close friends and family talking about them- how lovely and good the person was, everyone staring at the large casket that was now deep in the ground. Flowers, candles, black clothes. You really didn't need rain. "I am so lucky I managed to have him in my life. It tears me to pieces to know he isn't anymore, at least physically... but he will always be there with us."

The boy Bambi knew, Kai , Mason's best friend, decided it was the best to stop with his talking as people were able to hear his struggling. His voice was wavering and it would randomly get quieter mid word. Bambi felt a pang in her heart. So many people were experiencing the same thing she was. Kai was a though guy. The brunette heard many stories about him. He smoked cigarettes and weed, drank too much, but he was good person, just little rough and tough from the outside.

He was also very much gay, but Kai didn't really show it. He once said even though it's a part of him, he would never make it the only thing about himself.

Mason's mother didn't talk about him. She looked heartbroken and devastated. She looked like she was drinking every day since her son passed. Bambi couldn't imagine the pain the woman felt when she found her son's dead body. The thought of that made her sick.

After some time, it was finally time for her to speak. Usually, Bambi Moody was type of person to prepare everything. To write down hundreds of lines on a lots of papers with many paragraphs and quotes from books. That's who she is, describing emotions with phrases you couldn't, words that would touch everyone deep in the heart. This time, she moved next to casket with nothing but sad expression on her face. She looked over the crowd. She heard about many of them, but there was still so many people she didn't. Before she took a deep breath, she glanced at the Mason's picture that stood there. He was smiling in the photo. The smile that used to make all of her insides warm was now like a knife through her chest. She felt her throat close. She knew she was about to cry.

"I met Mason Carter one day at the library." She began, and immediately her voice shifted. She tried to compose herself as quickly as possible. "I remember he was so kind to me. That's one of the ways to describe this boy. Kind. He always cared about people, even though sometimes he had hard time showing it. We got really close over the time and he taught me so many things.  He was so wise for his age." She wanted to keep it simple, but her voice cracked at the end again. "This really doesn't seem real." She whispered and felt a single tear slip down her cheek. "He was the best thing that ever happened to me since my grandparents died. He always found a way to make me smile and he made me a better person. A person I am today. I will always be grateful for that. For him. I could talk about him all day, but there is not enough words to describe him as a person and to describe the feeling we all here are feeling right now. My heart aches for Chloe, his amazing and always supportive mother, and for all the people who knew him."

She felt like her speech was the lamest thing she could do. Usually she was good with words, but in that moment... she didn't know any. It was like all her knowledge was sucked right out of her.

Memories flashed in front of her eyes like thunder, like a slap on her face.

The first day at the library. His laugh, the way he held his gaze on her, never being able to break eye contact. Recommending her books as they walked down the bookshelves. Then she gave him her number. Straight year after, they were at the art gallery. She remembered as they stared at those masterpieces, talking about it. Standing there with Mason's arm around her shoulders made her chest burst in fireworks full of euphoric feelings. Later that night she could smell his aroma on her arm because he had his hand around her for so long. She remembered many hangouts with him, all of them including soft touches, laughs and butterflies in her stomach. And then, this year when she's 16, every day he would tell her he lo—

"Rest in peace, Mason Hills. I will forever and always love you." She finished with tears in her eyes before she quickly returned to her original place, looking around and trying to name things she sees and colours they are. There were black clothes, black suits, black—

Everything was black.

Everything was black.

'I can't breathe' was the first and the only thing that was ringing in her ears as someone pressed her asthma inhaler to her mouth. She felt a warm big hand on one side of her cheeks, the other one pressing that plastic thing into her mouth. She felt another person holding her shoulders from the back, keeping her in a sitting position.

Someone was calling out her name repeatedly, as every 30 seconds she was forced to take puff again.

"Stay calm. Bambi, you need to keep calm."

Keep calm and don't die from asthma attack would sound good on those 2012 posters. Or what year was it when those things were in trend? Maybe that should be her new Instagram bio.

"Hold on Bambi, hold on."

"Dad..." she whimpered.

"Dad." She said as she held her smartphone against her ear. "I'll be just a little longer here. Kai asked me if I would like to go get some coffee with him." She explained as she glanced over at the mentioned boy. He was glancing around uninterested, his hands stuffed in his pockets. "No dad, he's Mason's friend. Yeah I know him.... okay. Bye." She said her final words and clicked red button on her phone screen, smiling a little at the boy.

"We going?"

"Yeah."

They walked quietly side by side to the coffee shop, none of them really knowing what were they supposed to talk about. 'Oh yeah lmao what a funny situation our best friend committed suicide. Gahaha'.

"How are you holding up?" He asked first once when they sat down. Bambi took a sip of her warm Nescafe, cupping her warm cup with both of her hands. She stared at the chocolate mixed with coffee drink for a while, her lips pursing.

"I don't really know." She admitted as they locked eyes for a moment. Just then the girl realised the boy beside her looked exactly like her- pale, bloodshot eyes, dark circles under his eyes. His blue eyes were getting greyish colour, he looked like someone sucked a life out of him.

"It's weird, having this conversation." He stated as he twirled little spoon inside of his drink. "But... I don't really know who should I talk to about this."

"I know the feeling."

"I feel guilty." He suddenly said, his eyes not meeting Bambi's.

"Why?" She asked confusedly.

The boy tried to reply, but nothing came out of his mouth. Just then the girl was able to truly see it- there was something eating this boy alive from the insides. He shook his head repeatedly, burying his face into his palms. "I knew you two were close. I knew how much you loved him. "

"What are you talking about?" Bambi asked, obviously still confused as her eyebrows furrowed in concern.

"Weren't you two?"

"I mean yeah, we were. And I did love him." At that, the boy beside her shook his head even more violently than before. " Kai, are you alright?" She asked, lowering her voice that was coloured with worry.

"Yeah." He tried to compose himself. "Sorry, I thought I would be able to have this conversation with you, but I obviously am not. Sorry." He apologised over and over again, making Bambi's head hurt. Why was he even apologising to her? It's not as if he was responsible for their friend's death. It's not like he was the source from all of her pain.

"Kai." She shook him out of his trans and put her warm hand on his. "It's alright. If you need somebody to talk to, you can call me. I know exactly how this feels like"

"You don't."