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"Sometimes, in life, we have to experience the bad to feel the good."
My counsellor, Trisha, preaches this almost every session.
"Sometimes, we experience hurt - life changes that can deem to be the worst scenario possible, when really they are for the good. Things happen for a reason, Victoria."
Things happen for a reason.
I mentally rolled my eyes at such a typical phrase. How many times had I heard that in all my eighteen years on this life-shattering planet? Ten? Twenty? Hundred? Maybe a thousand. It was something people said to convince themselves that things were going to get better; that there was something else approaching round the corner. But let's be honest, that's not always the case.
My boyfriend of three years, the only boy I'd ever looked at through high school, hurt me in more ways one can imagine at such a young age. If things happened for a reason, then where was my rainbow at the end of the storm? I was still waiting, impatiently, for the positive to appear. It was like watching the clock tick by; each tick you hoped you were closer, but you never seemed to reach that destined time. A time of happiness.
"Victoria?" Trisha's eyes bore into me through her oversized, octagon shaped glasses. She wasn't old, but she wasn't particularly young either. Yet I still didn't understand why she wore such degrading glasses, they made her face look wider, enhancing all the little lines and wrinkles. You wouldn't even notice them if she didn't wear those glasses, it made people search for them - search for her age.
I'd been admiring the view from her office window, while reminding myself why I attended these ridiculous sessions twice a week. My mother said I needed to express my emotions more; I needed to tell someone what went through my head. Only I didn't do that. I trusted Trisha with my whole life, she'd become a blessing these past few months, but that didn't mean I could open up my whole soul. Deep down, there were emotions swirling round like a tornado, thoughts hitting me like a hurricane and destroying me inside. My only hope was the hundred milligrams of anti-depressants my mom had shoved down my throat the day after everything happened.
"Victoria.". This time Tricia sounded more annoyed, there was an edge to her voice.
I shot my eyes to her. "Sorry, I just got caught up with my thoughts."
"Care to explain?" She opened her tiny A5 notebook, which was covered in expensive leather, while her thousand dollar fountain pen pinched between her thumb and index finger.
"No thank you." I smiled brightly - but fake - finding it entertaining when her expression soured.
My parents paid her hundreds - money they couldn't afford - to receive information about my mental state and if I was getting better. The less I talked, the angrier they got, which meant less money for her. Part of me wanted to suck it up, grow up a little as mom would say, and just tell her. But why should I do that for my parents? All they've done is treat me like an incapable, you'd think I'd lost my ability to continue being human the way they looked after me. I felt like a child.
"You know, this is our last session. You have a new counsellor as soon as you reach NYU. I just want what's best for you, Vicky."
Vicky. My stomach twisted at the tiny nickname that he would call me. It made me sick. I sucked in a deep breath and heard her sigh.
"I-"
"I know. I'm sorry, I just don't feel like talking today."
For once she gave me a genuine smile and shut that little notebook of secrets. It was then I noticed it had my name on. She had several of those for her patients? Jesus, that's a lot of money from the looks of them.
"Your session is almost over, I'll tell your parents you didn't want to talk." She stood and placed the notebook in a box.
"Why the box?" I asked, curious.
"Your new counsellor wishes to read your notes, she's picking them up." She didn't look at me as she said it because she knew how I'd react. Three months and she knew me so well.
But I chose not to reply. Like I said, she knew me. So I didn't have to.
"Times up." She looked from the big grandfather clock in the corner of her office, and then back to me. "Have fun in New York sweetie, I believe happiness is near."
I gave her a small hug and a thank you before leaving the room for the last time. Tomorrow would be a new beginning, a new chapter for my life. No more Kieran.
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"Right, tell me you have everything? We don't want to have to come all the way up there if you forget your charger or your favourite pair of lemon socks" mom was stressing - evidently - and she was making me stress alongside her. But lemon socks? They weren't my favourite, the strawberry ones were.
"Yes mom, I have everything."
"Oh god, where's your father? He said he'd be here."
She was pacing up and down the drive while we waited for dad. He no longer lived with us and so he had to drive over to us to say goodbye. Hopefully he didn't bring his new wife, Amy. Mom had been through enough after what he did, the divorce, the arguments, selling the house and downgrading to another one. It was all this fault because he couldn't keep his dick in his pants.
"Mom, stop. You're making me dizzy." I placed my hands on her shoulders. I could read her like a book. "You're worried he's going to bring her aren't you?"
She nodded. "Yes, but also because my baby is going thousands of miles away to another part of the country." Tears broke through her words and I felt mine surfacing too.
She may annoy me, she may baby me after everything Kieran did, but she was still my mom and definitely my best friend. After what happened, I had no friends but she always stood by my side.
"He's here." She whispered and pulled back as she wiped the stray tears that escaped down her cheeks. I turned to see dad pulling up. Alone.
"Sorry," he shouted, breathless, as he locked his black Porsche. Of course he had an expensive car and mom drove her little Peugeot around. The perks of getting a divorce. "I had a meeting I couldn't get out of."
Dad was an accountant for a top firm in Florida. He did well for himself, hence the reason the divorce didn't affect him like it did us. I say us, and not just mom, because considering he's my father he doesn't do much. If it wasn't for endless begging and shouting, I wouldn't of been able to attend college. Financial aid wasn't an option when my father earned more money that he had sense, so I had to beg endless amounts of times just to get him to finance the tuition and dorm costs.
"Now, I don't want you messing this opportunity up. There's a lot of money going into this and I don't want it wasted."
I wondered how long it would take him.
"So that means no boys, no drinking, no partying! Do you understand, Vicky?"
There goes that nickname again.
"Yes. But dad, I'm eighteen. Unfortunately, I am an adult which means-"
"Which means nothing." He interrupted. "When my money controls your future, you will listen young lady."
I wanted to smack him straight in the mouth. He had no rights to blackmail me like this.
"Peter, do you not think that's a little rational?" Mom added, squeezing my shoulders.
"Well if we had it your way, she'd probably still be with that fucked up idiot!"
I couldn't help the gasp that left me. How dare he say that. I felt mom tense behind me, and I knew he'd upset her.
"I'll be inside." She approached the house and I followed, leaving dad on the sidewalk alone.
This was typical for my family - mainly dad. For some reason he hated my mom, and he was the one who became deceitful. He broke our hearts as well as our family that day he confessed his affair to us, so I will never understand why he treats mom the way he does. She was nothing but civil to him, despite wanting to rip his head off.
"Vicky, come back."
"No, just go dad. You've said enough."
I didn't bother to check if he had left, instead I followed mom into the kitchen.
"Ignore him, he's just an idiot mom." I hugged her trembling body. "I love you."
"I love you too, promise me something?" Her blue eyes, filled with sadness and torture, studied mine for a second. "Be happy. Have fun. And most of all, experience what it's like to be a teenage girl at college. Ignore what your dad says, go to parties, meet boys-" she smirked and winked at me. "-and let your hair down!"
"I will." I held back the tears I was fighting, the tingling in my nose appeared as they were about to escape, but I managed to lock them away until I got in the taxi.
"What I said, inside just, I'm serious baby girl. You've been through too much."
The taxi pulled away and I watched through the back window as everything became smaller; everything was now in the distance and my new life was about to begin.
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