User: lucho1912

Cover: This cover is lovely. It has a well balanced color scheme, the text detail is very clear against the dark background. It is simple but clean and eye-catching 

Blurb: 

"The world is a dark place, full of people that will want to hurt you. You have to take care and fight, Brandon, or they will win. We can't let them win."

It is the job of a boy to become a hero. Even if he doesn't want to, Brandon Castle is supposed to find the lost relic. All he wanted was to save his friend, but now he has to save his kingdom, and with the help of the daughter of a witch, and a small-sized prophet, he might be able to do both.

However, can one person lose it all for his kingdom?

Two empowered ones will join their last breath,

The newborn is to be given away,

By clash of powers a warrior will be forged, 

And in warfare he will have to break, 

Or see his loved ones fall. 

This blurb is okay though the poem tacked on at the end somewhat detracts from it. It does well ending with 'Can one person...'. There are a couple word choices that could be tweaked. Is it his 'job' or 'destiny'? Fate? Job implies voluntary choice. Instead of saying small sized you could say 'tiny'. Can one person 'lose' or 'risk' it all for his kingdom?

First Chapter: This first chapter has a few issues. There is a lot thrown at the reader but the scenes tumble into one another and a great deal comes off telling rather than showing. Something I would highly recommend doing is breaking this chapter up. There are easily two or three chapters worth of material in this first one that have been super condensed into a straight 'telling' of events. 

The omnipresent narration might be responsible for this but each of the set scenes that happen in this chapter could be expanded on to allow the reader to sink into the action and mystery of the moment. They got a taste of that in your description of the beast chasing down the narrator but that moment ends abruptly and shifts immediately into another chase scene that feels like it comes out of nowhere. Take the time to draw your reader into the sensations of the moment. Let them feel the branches scraping skin, the heart beat pounding against the ribs, the pinch of lungs that can't get enough air. Draw them in with sensory details. Immerse them in the adrenaline and anxiety of the chase. Then, cut scene. Give them a moment to breathe. Build that sense of dread as he hears the voice and comes upon this new character. 

If your narrator is going to play the role of story teller, remember oral story tellers draw in their audience with fine, dramatic details.