Poppy's PoV

Once again that awful nervous feeling was back. It had been there since I went to bed the night before; knowing that soon I was going to have a scan that told me everything. I already knew what was happening but this was just going to be the confirmation that the dreaded thing was back. Cancer.
The word still shook me to my core. I'd never gone around saying I was a cancer survivor despite so many of my fans (still weird to say that!!) reminding me that I was every day on social media. I tried desperately to stay out of the limelight on social media and not to get too caught up in it, but having people who genuinely supported me and wanted the best for me was really comforting - even if they lived in Poland, India, Jamaica. I really loved the connection I had to my fans and seeing them all bond with each other was even better. This was why, for the first time in a long time, I finally added some content. Once again, I was going to be silent for the long haul whilst I got treated for cancer, so this time I wanted to give them something to like.

I posted a selfie and followed it with a quote that had always stuck to me.
'You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it 😘'

I had hoped that quote would resonate with me as much as I wanted it to with my fans as I finally pulled myself off the sofa and headed down to the kerbside in front of my home awaiting Sam's arrival. As soon as the black 4x4 pulled up, I jumped in with my anxiety growing with every second.

"Hey Poppy." Sam had said as soon as I belted myself in, However my mind was elsewhere. Suddenly, everything was too much. I panicked, overthought everything I'd done and worried myself. I should have told Calum I was going for a scan, I should have postponed it so he could come with me, I should have said something special to him before he left. "Poppy?" Sam pressed, but I was still in a state. It had finally come crashing down on me and it took a second diagnosis to do it. The first time happened so quickly and unexpectedly I had no other option but to hit it head on. This time I knew, I felt symptoms I recognised, I thought about it. Now, heading to the scan was a whole other thing - this was a confirmation of my thoughts instead of a random surprise I wasn't expecting. This time I knew what was coming and I really didn't want to go through it again. The illness, tiredness, pain, surgery... I thought I'd sorted it all before but yet here I was again. "Poppy?!" Sam half shouted, jolting me out of my spinning thoughts enough to catch his gaze looking over at me worriedly. "Are you okay?" He asked carefully.

"No." I said honestly. "And Calum's busy for at least another couple of hours." I sighed as I slunk down in the chair.

"Talk to me." He ordered and for some reason, I was fine doing it.

"I'm scared. Last time, I was trying to be strong, I was being treated and had surgery and then found out I was pregnant and everything just seemed to fit well into place like I got the best of a worst case scenario. Now, it feels worse, like the worst of the worst. I'm heavily pregnant, I know it's back - like what is my treatment option? Will it affect the baby? I didn't even tell Calum I was going for the scan because I wanted him to be in the best headspace for the interview but I know that was a shitty thing to do... my parents are back and my brother's an ass and I just don't know if I can handle it all this time." I said it all in one breath, gasping for air at the end of the sentence and finally relaxing slightly. Sam looked at me with his eyebrows furrowed as he opened his mouth to respond, but he went silent for a few seconds longer.

"You need to be open about it. All of it. To Calum, to the doctors, to me. The worst thing you can do is internalise your worry and make yourself sick. Now, Dr Patel is so experienced, probably one of the best in the business, so don't even worry about the cancer. That will be sorted by someone else, you don't have any control over that. You do have control over your own feelings though and how you choose to sort them out. Don't keep it to yourself like you did these last few weeks." I knew he was right but I didn't want to admit it. I was furious at cancer for even choosing me or for even existing, I hated that I knew it was here and I was scared not only for me but my family and the band. Life was going to be turned upside down. "Positive thinking, Poppy. This will be over soon. You've beat it once. You have a beautiful baby who will be here in a few weeks. You've got Crystal and her baby, all your friends for support. It will be okay." I glared over at him with a stone cold look.

"Yeah, life's fantastic." I said sarcastically, rolling my eyes.

"I know, Poppy. I'm not trying to say you need to pretend everything is okay, I'm just saying you need to remember that good things are there too. That you do have support and good things coming up." Sam tried again and part of me felt bad that I was giving him such a hard time. The other part thought he must understand and deal with it regularly so he'd have to deal with this too. I'm only human after all.

"Okay. Thank you." I said, freezing up as soon as we turned into the entrance to the hospital. I gripped my phone in my hand tightly as I looked down at my lock screen, a goofy photo of Cal and I, to try to calm my nerves.

"Come on Poppy. Let's kick it's butt again."